Baby Doll Nitey – Blue Love Poetry

Pin Up Girl Nitey
Baby Doll Nitey
By: Linda A. Long

I am here
For you
Waiting
For your touch
Ready to
Taste your lips
And feel
The heat
From your skin
Against mine
I wait
In a
See through lace
Baby Doll
Waiting to
Seduce you
Tease you
Excite you
With the
Lust of my hips
And the promise
Of an erotic kiss
Placed softly
On your lips
I wait
To beg of you
To slide your
Hands under
My baby doll
To feel my skin
Hot with desire
And feel
The essence
Of a woman
Remaining on
Your fingers
After you
Touch my desire
For you
I wait
Fulfilling my
Own desires
With you
In my mind
I rest in
Black lace
Waiting
To open my legs
To you
And let you
Into my fire
The fire
You ignited in me
So long ago
Still raging
Between my hips
Beating deep
In my amble cleavage
Pushed up
In my lingerie
Full and ready
For your mouth
To take
Ownership of
Of my body
I wait
On the other side
Of the door
For you
I’ll be standing
There in a
Black lace
Baby doll
See through it
To my naked body
Release yourself
Into my cleavage
And dive
Deep into hips
I wait here
For you
To let me
Seduce you
(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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NOTE: This was written for Blue Love and inspired by my new see through baby doll nitey 💙😘🔥😈

Self Care Sunday

This Self Care Sunday morning finds me on a train to DC trying to type while I’m rocking back and forth 😂 I have to meet someone at 7:30am tomorrow so I was given comp time and permission to travel today.

Things that made me happy this week were: the absolutely perfect weather this weekend. I enjoyed being outside yesterday. I also went shopping for a new work clothes and a robe. I stumbled across a delicious baby doll nitey. Out of curiosity I tried it on. I look boobilicious in it and fits me really well 😂 While I had no one to model it for Saturday night,I bought it anyway because it made me happy and made me feel sexy 🔥 Who knows maybe Blue Love will need a private fashion show from me in my see through baby doll soon – I like to be prepared and feel sexy 🔥😈Anyways, it made me feel happy and sexy to buy and wear it around the house. Hahahaha 😊💙 I am also happy I am finally going to the Museum of the Bible today in DC. I pass it a lot while in DC since it’s near work but this is the first time I can visit😊

What’s bringing me peace today? hmm? In some aspects I have peace and feel peace in my life. In other ways, things are churning in me and around me. As I allow this to come to my awareness, I am recognizing I’m feeling some instability in my life and it’s starting to feed into feelings of anxiety which means it’s time for me to create stability in my life.

Where do I feel things aren’t stable enough for me? Professionally is the biggest “grey” area of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I will not be losing my job. My job is secure. However, where I work in the “company” is in transition. I’ve been on a long term temp assignment for 8 months. I have 4 months to go. Not knowing what’s going to happen with it is causing me some anxiety. I took the opportunity to initiate conversations around the topic. I am glad I did because things started to become clear for me. As a result, I am now in consideration for a couple permanent opportunities; one of them could be my dream job 😊I have a meeting about that Tuesday. The biggest factor for me is the amount of required travel. I just have to accept & admit I do not like to travel that much. I am comfortable traveling to DC 🙌I’ve been staying at the same hotel near work so I know the area now but twice a month in a hotel is enough for me. I know one position is based where I work now. I’m not sure about the other but I don’t want to relocate either. I like living at the beach 🏖

It was good self care for me to have the awareness to see and admit the situation I am in is causing stress and anxiety. I was good self care for me to have the courage to initiate the conversations. It was good self care to reach acceptance that I need stability in my career. It’s been a fun ride but it’s time for me to wrap it up. I am happy that this experience is leading to opportunities I would not have had without the exposure this temporary assignment gave me. Hopefully, I will know where I am landing in the next few weeks.It’s exciting and makes me happy 😊😊

My health is not stable right now. I noticed today that I have more energy and my stomach is feeling a little better than it did. It’s better but not 100%. A good flare up of Gastritis with LPR can take anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks to resolve. My Doc called for me to come in and discuss biopsy results from my Endoscopy. I go 9/21. I would be shocked if I had Cancer. I really don’t think that’s what he wants to tell me. I do believe we need to change my meds, I may need another procedure and he may want me to have an Oncology consult. I am not really worrying about this too much. I’ve been able to put it out of my mind thanks to the exciting developments at work. I just want to get back to feeling good and figuring out what is causing this brutal flare up.

Poetry always makes me happy. I Included a Blue Love Haiku on this post. In case you missed it, my last post was a new original Poem, “Return To Love – Blue Love Poetry”. Scroll down to read it.

How have you practiced good self care this week? What is making you happy this week? What’s exciting you? Would a see through baby doll nitey excite you? 😂😂💙🔥🔥😘😘

(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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7pm update: One of my favorite Gospel songs, “Wayfaring Stranger” is featured in the Museum of Bible. So much to see there on this visit. I’ll have to come back a few times😊 I LOVED it. I also felt spiritually connected there. The Nazareth Village of Israel on the third floor is AMAZING🙌🙌🙌 It could be my DC happy place- I really am a nerd 🤓 Also, I need to read Deuteronomy! Every Bible verse quote I really like came from that book and I loved the 11:11 in this one! The next Museum I want to visit in DC is Newseum 😊I walked past it tonight after it closed.

Deuteronomy 11:11

Return To Love – Blue Love Poetry

Blue love artReturn To Love – Blue Love Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

The power
Of a glance
Stirring a thousand words
From the center
Of my legs
Until those thoughts
Spiral up
Into my cheeks
Flushing with
Arousal from
The crystal blue
Oceans I swim in
When you look at me
Words licked across
My nipples
Hard and erect
From your desire
Spoken to me
In sparkling blue eyes
Words whispered
Across my thighs
In your
Deep blue waters
I open
As an invitation
To brush my
Flaming fire
On your lips
Opened and ready to receive
My nourishing juices
Into your soul

If you ever doubted
My desire
Or questioned
The authenticity
Of my words
My love
Connect your eyes
To mine
And feel the power
Of the glance
That stirs a thousand words
Strung over my body
Like Christmas lights
Lighting me up
From within
If you’ve forgotten
The pulse of my love
Beating in your chest
Place yourself
In the center of
My atmosphere
And claim
The affection
That has always been yours
If you want to
Be loved
Truly deeply loved
By a woman
Whose soul speaks
The same language
As yours
And hears
The thunder of your heart
Beat in my breasts
When you are near
Return to the glance
Of my eye
My love
Return to our love
(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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NOTE:
It’s been an interesting few days.

This poem for Blue Love shot out of fingers in about 10 minutes💙🦋 It was inspired for sure 🦋💙 For today, I take my peace and happiness in writing poetry for Blue Love 💙

Self Care Sunday – Happy, Peace, Fire

Eckhart Tolle Quote

I’ve been writing about heavy stuff lately.  I want to write lighter for this Self Care Sunday.  Here are some things that make me happy, bring me peace and set me on fire. These lists are not all inclusive but a start towards remembering what makes me happy and makes me who I am 🦋

Things that make me happy: 😊
Writing ✍️ Writing makes me happy.  Writing is my art.  It’s how I adapt in this crazy world. It’s how I express myself. It’s how I process situations and emotions. It’s how I heal. I write on my blog and I write in my journal.  When I write – this goes for work and at home, I prefer to use only blue pens 💙 I especially love blue gel ink pens.  They write smooth.  It may seem weird or OCD to have such a ritual but I don’t like black ink – period 😂

The first sip of coffee each day ☕️ There’s something about that first sip that makes me happy and comforted all at the same time. The rest of the cup is great too but that first sip is the best part. I also love the smell of coffee. I prefer Dark Roast coffee. Dark Roast is bolder, has more flavor, less acidity and less caffeine which means I can tolerate a large DD or Wawa Dark Roast coffee without any negative effects 😊☕️ If the coffee is organic and single origin, that’s even better.

Fresh clean sheets 🛏 I hate making the bed. It’s big and has a few layers but once it is made with fresh seats it extremely comfy and cozy.

Living on the beach 🌊 I love living on the beach. I also love living in an area of the country that is so accessible to so many major cities, mountains and beaches. More importantly, I love the change of seasons. I like a rainy day like today. I like a hot sunny beach or pool day. I like a chilly day with with boots and hats. I like snow. The perfect day for me is around 70 – 75 degrees and sunny 😊

My Mom calling me honey😊 “Hiya, Honey!  How ya doin?”  That’s what I hear on the other end of the phone.  It always makes me happy.  My Mother and I have had some crazy battles with each other.  My Mom LIKES TO FIGHT!  No joke, she will take you out!  We both can have a tendency to swing first and ask questions later but I have learned to control that impulse. My Mom, however, will go a few rounds before even thinking of asking the questions. Fighting is cathartic for her; I think it’s probably why she’s 79 years old and healthy. Family members routinely try to slide out of her crosshairs before she really gets going on something. If you can go a few rounds with her once in a while, she will love and respect you forever.

Mom and I have said horrible things to each other, embarrassed ourselves and the entire family in public and at parties with our antics but it’s been a fun ride with her.  I was outside of work one day having a screaming match with her when a coworker/friend walked out.  My coworker asked if I was ok.  I said, “It’s ok. It’s just a crazy old lady driving me nuts.”  My coworker laughed.  My Mom said to me on the phone, “Really Linda?  The old lady comment was a low blow!”  We laughed.  It was over and we moved on to another topic.  That’s how we’ve always gotten along. We fight, bicker and annoy each other. Mom is no weak flower.  I am grateful that 4’11” Blue Eyed firecracker is my Mom. The below photo of my Mom and I was taken yesterday at a 30th birthday party for my niece’s fiancé 😂💙

Hanging out with my sisters 💙 Sandy passed away in 1999.  I have two sisters living.  DJ (Diane) is a straight shooter, like Mom. If you don’t want to hear the truth about something, don’t talk to Diane.  She’s full of common sense and will gladly set you straight on any topic.  Terri is my silly sister. She’s the one always made me laugh in church and then I got into trouble. Terri is funny. When Sandy was intensive care the last week of her life, Terri and I were breaking the tension by being silly.  We were making blowfish on the window of the room.  Well, all we heard Diane say was, “you two are fucking idiots” but she also was laughing.  My sisters have been my biggest fans and most loyal trusted friends.  They make me happy.

Signs 🌟 I ask my angels and guides for signs. It makes me happy to receive signs from spirits and intuition. I ask mostly ask for repetitive number and coins as my signs. 222 is my favorite repetitive number series. 222 is symbolic of partnership, love and highest good. When I receive 222 or see 222, I always say to myself, “Everything is always working out for my highest good. The love you give is returned.”💙🦋

Things that bring me peace: 🙏
Writing ✍️ Writing brings me peace. It’s cathartic.  I share my deeply personal stories and thoughts to heal myself, bring myself peace and perhaps help others heal too.

The stillness of early morning just before sunrise 🌅 It’s my favorite time of day. I switched my work schedule almost ten years ago so I would be up at or before 5:00am on work days. I like the early morning peacefulness in the office. I like driving early in the morning and driving while the sun is coming up. I also like sunset and the slow down that occurs in the evening just before dark.

My Pink Himalayan Salt Lamp 🔮 I love the warm glow in the room when that light is the only light I have on at night. Having bright lights on at night is too stimulating. I like warm mellow lighting in general.

Prayer, Mediation and Mantras 🙏💙 I talk to angels and guides all day long.  I pray throughout the day.  It brings me peace. It stabilizes me on tough days, it motivates me when I need a lift, it centers me when I need to be grounded and calm.  Through prayer, I can be the eye of the storm.

Things that light me up and set me on fire:🔥

Knowledge and learning 🌟🌸 I love to learn. I want to expand my awareness and consciousness. The more self aware we are as individuals the better we are as citizens and leaders in society. Take our President for example. A little self awareness on his part would go a long way. Every good thing that has been accomplished by him is being overshadowed by impulsiveness, rhetoric and over reactivity.

Auschwitz survivor, Viktor Frankl, beautifully said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space…In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and freedom.” Choose your response instead of reacting in the moment is the lesson in his words. You can control the narrative and shift the conversation in your favor with a calm controlled response.

I grew up in a “swing first; ask questions later family” I trained myself over the years to not react. I had to have the self awareness to see I was a reactor and then learn to pull back. I had to learn to strategize the best way to respond instead running down the hall to flip out on someone or firing off a heated text or Tweet. Folks who tend to be hot heads benefit having people who can talk them back in their close circles. Anyone who intentionally fires you up, instigates you and intentionally points you in someone’s direction, is NOT a good influence. Self awareness is the hallmark of good leader and it also includes looking at your circle to be sure you surround yourself with good calming influences. Self awareness is key. Control the narrative. This is a little of the “coach” in me coming out on this topic. 😊

Growth 🌟🌸 Personal Growth through adversity, tapping into my highest good and using every last drop of my own personal power lights my soul on fire. Professional growth is also important to me. I currently find myself in a unique position professionally. While I am advocating for approval for a project I care about, I am also considering career paths that could be open to me at the end of the temporary assignment. I am not sure my current role will stay a full time gig. In my current Org, there are other opportunities in Leadership Development where I could use my coaching certification. There are opportunities as program manager and project lead in other areas. I have an interest in the Chief of Staff role. The current actor is only there temporarily. I am curious what experience would I have to gain to end up in that role. It’s nice to have options and somewhere to grow 🦋💙🌟👍

Poetry 🦋💙 Writing poetry is my art.  My soul speaks through my prose. It’s truly my passion.

Service 🙏 Being of service to others, helping people reach their highest good, motivating people, inspiring people and witnessing for people sets my soul on fire and is extremely rewarding to me.

Blue Love sets me on fire 💙His eyes light a match in me 🔥

Viktor Frankel quote

Rainer Maria Rilke Quote

Remember George Magazine?

George Magazine

My favorite magazine to read in my 20s and 30s was George, a magazine centered around politics that was published by John F. Kennedy Jr. I actually remember reading the issue that is featured in the above photo. I’ve always been interested in politics. I am still interested in politics. I don’t want to be involved in politics and I don’t want to run for office but I like civilized politics.

I’ve been registered as an Independent or Democrat since I turned 18 years old. My entire family has been life long Republicans. I am the only Democrat. We do not talk politics in the family 😂 I tend to be a moderate blue. I don’t like the extreme ideology of either the Reds or Blues. Extremist are making politics especially troubling these days. The rhetoric is intense, inflammatory and dangerous.

If you know me personally, I am no weak flower. I do not like being bullied, pressured or coerced. The more someone pressures me, the more I will do something extreme to let them know to back the fuck off. This is where I need to make a confession and make amends to my fellow moderate liberals. In November of 2016, my pant-suit wearing friends were flooding my Facebook newsfeed with extremist rhetoric. They were texting me. I can’t even tell you many times I had to tell them to back off. I was a registered voter and have voted Blue in just about every election since I was 18. Just stop already.

Just before entering the voting booth, I got one final text and I just about lost it. So I went into the booth and voted straight Red as a fuck you 😱😱I felt immediately sick after doing it. Thankfully, my state is a Blue state and my Red vote didn’t matter in my state. However, it matters today. Everyday I get little more irritated and hope the end is in sight.

I needed to write this out loud because I felt like I let myself down. I needed to “out” myself to atone for my sins. I am true blue. How could I vote Red out of spite? I am cracking up because as I wrote “true blue” I immediately got a flash in my mind of Blue Love wearing a blue button down preppy shirt looking at me all cute with those beautiful blue eyes ☺️ I am even true blue when it comes to men. I digress, I am true blue when it comes to politics💙💙

While I am not enjoying the extreme politics and polarization in our nation these days, I am enjoying watching the democratic processes play out. I have been watching and following the SCOTUS Confirmation hearings. If you are not for Roe vs. Wade, I am not for you – bottom line! I personally do not believe in abortion. I personally would never have an abortion. However, I believe every woman has the right to make that choice. I am watching RBG tonight On Demand! RBG is about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I am looking forward to it.

I will say that I do not plan to write about politics on this blog going forward. This is a one and done confession for atonement and just letting everyone know where I stand💙💙💙💙 I may only leave this on here temporarily. I don’t want to make this blog a target for attacks based upon what I wrote here. I will see how things play out.

As far as my work project goes, well my Legal Eagle self found a loophole all on my own while researching Statutes🙌☺️ YAY ME. Did I ever mention I got a Paralegal Certificate while in college many years ago so I know how to do Legal Research and citations? 😉😂😂😂😂 Well, we had four legal hurdles to clear. What I found this morning cleared three of them. Legal advised we only have one more to clear. However, the last one is big! It needs signature authorization as high as you can go in the “company”. We need to strategize the approach on this. I will crafting the documents for his signature & I have the support of my whole Organizational Leadership Team. I can, at least, live with myself now because I advocated to the extent possible. If nothing else, it showed management that I am no weak flower and I will fight for the things I care about 🌸🌺

My tummy is still sore and not feeling great. I am waiting the biopsy results which may not come until next week. They were not back as of this morning. It has to be something for it to hurt like this for this long ☹️

Oh yeah… Fly Eagles Fly

EAGLES

(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday – Ge’ah

Art

Ge’ah
By: Linda A. Long

She moves
Through me
As a force
Of Nature
Yet
Lovingly
Guiding me
Ge’ah

She dances
In my
Soul
Sways my hips
To the
Rhythm
Of the Universe
And
Divine creation
Ge’ah

She rises
In me
As a Phoenix
With
Power and
Self Confidence
Tempered
With grounded humility
Ge’ah

She is
Fire
The fire
In my belly
The fire
In my eyes
The fire
That burns
In my soul
With
The alchemy
Of love
Ge’ah

She is
The love
That is rooted
Deep in
My heart
Igniting
Passion
Stirring
The pot
Of love and lust
With the
Divine
Feminine power
That is
Within me
Ge’ah
(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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NOTE

Ge’ah ~ means strong feminine power in Hebrew.

This Self Care Sunday I call upon Ge’ah to move through me, empower me, energize me and stabilize me as I move through this time of my life.
_____

If you have been reading my blog regularly, you know that I’ve been working through some heavy dark issues in my life lately. I’ve chosen to share the work I am doing within myself on this blog as my way to heal and perhaps help others through my own experiences. Maybe reading my story and seeing how I am working towards healing will help someone else have the courage to do the same.

I’m not afraid to go to the dark places within myself. I am not afraid anymore. I don’t really feel like I have a choice anymore. It rose up for a reason. I can no longer push it down. Heavy emotions and feelings around things that happened to me in the past have come to the surface of my consciousness; to ignore them would be denying myself an opportunity to deeply heal.

The emotions I’ve been feeling lately are complicated. I feel repressed anger. Disappointment in people who were supposed to love me. I feel shame, not necessarily for my actions, but for not being strong enough to let myself heal years ago. I’m cycling through depression and anxiety mixed with a bit of frustration.

The New Agey folks would say to me, “Forgive and it will set you free!” I say “FUCK THAT!” I’ve confronted my attacker twice in front of people. He’s never apologized or even acknowledge what he did even though he knows its true. I’ve learned not to expect anything from him. I just cut him out of my life like he’s a Cancer. But his actions caused trauma in my life and left scars.

Unfortunately, I have to tolerate the jackass on holidays and family parties knowing he has no remorse for what he did to me. My tolerance of him shouldn’t be mistaken for forgiveness. It’s maturity on my part. Let’s be clear. I protect myself. I won’t be alone in a room with him. I won’t drive in a car with him. I will NEVER sleep in a house he is in and for many years I would not even sit on a sofa near him. But for the sake of his family, who do not know – I’ve never told them – and for the sake of my mother, I am cordial to him. She deserves to have all of her kids together on holidays. My mother and I had a long conversation last year over coffee about those events and how they affected my life. She sat across the table from me sobbing and saying, “I’m sorry” the entire time. But she finally understood. She now understands & respects my boundaries. I will say hello and that’s about it. Cordial doesn’t mean friendly and it certainly doesn’t mean forgiveness. I’ve learned one thing through therapy. I don’t have to forgive anyone who doesn’t ask for my forgiveness or take responsibility for their actions. He’s hasn’t done either one.

What I have to do is let this darkness come up from my soul. I need to let this pain and anger see the light and be released so I can open myself to love —— I don’t have to forgive. As I work through this, I will be writing about my experiences on this blog. I am done pretending it didn’t happen. I am calling on Ge’ah to empower me to heal, release and open myself to love again.

Moving on to another topic, I’ve had long term issues with a chronic form of Gastritis. It’s been really flared up for the last couple of months. I had a Endoscopy on Thursday. When the doctor talked to me after the procedure. He told me he did biopsies but then said he didn’t want to talk too much about anything or give me any recommendations until he got the pathology back. A friend drove me home; we chatted the whole way. I came home, ate and went back to bed. Later that night I read the report from the procedure. It said they did find Gastritis but they also saw irregular cells in my stomach and Gastric Polyps. They did FIVE biopsies. That explained why my stomach was so sore. They called me early Friday morning to find out how I was doing and told me I could be sore for another day or two because they took so many biopsies. Pathology should back in a week or so. It was good thing I was off from work Friday too. I was sore well into Saturday. It’s calming down now.

The interesting thing about this is I am not even that upset or worried about it. I am so beat up it hardly affected me. I never had Gastric Polyps. I never heard of Gastric Polyps. I did have Precancerous Polyps removed from Colon five years ago. My three year check up was clean. Of course, I Googled Gastric Polyps. Apparently, they are rare. Best case scenarios are H. Pylori bacteria or a reaction to a medication. Worse case scenario is Cancer. I’ve made my peace with each scenario but I will be honest I am not up for a big long battle with Cancer. I am not. Game over.

As far as work goes, I have a feeling my project is going to be squashed by Legal or its going to be a big long fight to keep it. I would still have a position in the group just not the project that I pitched two weeks ago. I’ll know for sure this week. Honestly, I’ve put it out of my mind and have just been focusing on taking care of myself. It’ really doesn’t matter anymore.

I am open to the divine direction and will allow the Universe Flow to guide me to right position. Honestly, it’s not really about opportunities anymore for me. It’s about which group would be the healthiest and most supportive place for me to work at this time of my life. That feels like the group I am in right now. The work environment is quieter, less chaotic, not as much drama and I don’t feel taken advantage of by my management as I did in my former role. In my former group, I had two bosses who were both men. I enjoyed working for both of them. Both would remind me what was mine to do(worry about) and what was NOT mine to do (or worry about). They helped me maintain balance. I would be HAPPY to work for either one of them again. Once they both got promoted and moved on, the managers who took over for them did not shield me in any way. They just constantly asked me for more and pushed me harder. I tried to tell them what they were doing to me. They would back off for a week but then it would start all over again. For God Sake, they couldn’t even work a keyboard in briefing on their own without calling me for help. Stuff like that doesn’t happen where I work now. Also, I don’t do those stupid employee engagement surveys with the personalized link. A personalized link means it’s not anonymous 🙂

Having five days off of work has worked out good. I needed more time to heal from the Endoscopy than I originally thought I would need, I’ve been relaxing and sleeping A LOT.

As of yesterday, I decided to call on Ge’ah to help awaken the power within me. While I’ve always been a warrior, I am finding I need some assistance these days in lighting my fire. I should mention that taken to the extreme Ge’ah divine feminine power can be shown as pride and arrogance. I’m not looking for that. I just need a little power boost 🙂

If you are a personal friend, all I really need from you right now is patience, understanding, support, a reason to laugh and maybe a hug or at least a text with a smiley face 😊 Or if you are the praying type, I could use prayers too🙏

I love this Native American Proverb

Native American Proverb

“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac is for my three sisters. They’ve always protected me and have been my best friends 💙🦋 The song took on special meaning to us all during the last two weeks of Sandy’s life.

Growing Up Sexy

Blue Love Art

I have a pretty face and a sexy body.  My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body.  My body is not skinny nor is it fat.  It is womanly, voluptuous.  I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.

Growing up sexy has not always been easy.  When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol.  I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog.  I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.

I have been seeing a therapist for over five years.  My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.

As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered.  Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars.  Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.

Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man.  When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry.  Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.

Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”.  Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.

Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance.  How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.

In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me.  However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.

I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection.  We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.

While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future.  I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.

This is not a #metoo post.  This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women.   I enjoyed being sexy all of my life.  I still enjoy being sexy.  I like that men look at me.  I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body.  I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable.  I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy.  It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.

This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us.  It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love.  It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden.   A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed.  A burden I am ready to hopefully release.

In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself.  I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me.  At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.

With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.

If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.

Here’s an article I found helpful on PTSD
https://www.gracepointwellness.org/109-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

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