Growth is important to me. I don’t want to be who I am today for the rest of my life. I want to be open to change. I want to embrace new experiences. I want to stretch myself in every area of my life to the very edge of my capabilities just like I do in Yoga. But, this is also where I get myself into trouble. My desire for growth and expansion drives me to keep moving even though my body is saying “STOP! I NEED A BREAK”.
The last couple of months I am learning things about myself that I kind of wish I learned a long time ago. But, I suppose it’s better late than never. Or perhaps these things I am learning about myself have always been there for me to see, I just didn’t want to see them. We all blind ourselves to reality occasionally. Or maybe I just didn’t want to give in to them. The “NOW” of my life is that my body is kind of forcing me to STOP, sit and rest; actually it is not all that bad. Frankly, it feels kind of good to have taken all the pressure off of myself. It’s just that I’m not used to standing still, resting & not moving towards a goal. I am not used to being still I suppose. So, this is a whole new experience for me.
Learning to be just where I am for a while and not push myself is a challenge for me. I find myself continually holding myself back and stopping myself. When the “action” person shows up, I politely ask her to wait patiently instead of jumping to her every desire. I now recognize how much stress I put on my body and my mental and emotional well-being over the years by not leaning back a bit. Holding back seems unnatural to me. I’ve always pushed to my edge whether in a Yoga class, personally or professionally. I’ve always been open to change and growth. I always felt that arrogant people who think they know it all and won’t change actually know the least. So, I’ve always tried to learn and grow. But, now I am seeing that sometimes growth doesn’t require action, sometimes it just requires stopping, standing still and reflecting. Sometimes growth happens just by opening our minds and seeing a new dimension within ourselves. I now find myself on a daily basis pushing aside my continual need to stay busy, fill my time and accomplish things. I’ve been focusing on just being still and this helped me see what I’ve been doing to my body and well-being all these years. I’ve been stressing myself out on a continually basis for years. I’ve created chronic stress in my body. I now see things clearly and I am trying very hard to change.
By pushing constantly I was actually offering resistance to my body’s natural authentic rhythm thus creating a mis-alignment between my physical body and my authentic-self. As it is turns out my authentic self is actually pretty chilled out. Who knew? I spent so much time in motion I never let myself see that. My authentic self doesn’t need nor want a lot of stimulation from outside forces anymore and maybe it never did. I find when I am home I don’t put the TV on as much as I used to. I read in silence and enjoy the peace. When I walk, I don’t wear my Ipod all the time anymore. I listen to the sounds that are around me. I enjoy socializing with close friends. I love going out to dinner. But, I find don’t really enjoy large crowds or noisy places all the time anymore. The stimulation is a bit overwhelming. Who knew? As a former barfly who loved the noise and activity of the bar scene it was a shocking revelation to me to find out the new Linda would rather have a one on one conversation with a close friend over dinner on a Friday night than be the life of the party with the crowd:-)
It’s interesting how life can change us if we let it. I am thinking that learning to let go of what no longer serves you and embracing the NOW of life are two of life’s greatest lessons if you chose to learn them. But, please don’t assume I have all the answers. I only recently found out I didn’t even know the questions 🙂 But, I am willing to learn and change. That’s what life is all about for ME 🙂
Garden Of My Mind – 1980 – Elena Vizerskaya