I suppose it was being sick for so long that changed my perspective on things. Maybe it happened when my best friend was diagnosed with advanced Peritoneal Cancer. Or maybe it happened when I thought I was going to Steve & Cookies for my Tuesday night Chicken dinner but instead got my head put on straight by good caring friend. But, probably the time came and I was ready. Ready to look my fears in face. Ready to break free of the shackles that were holding me back. Ready. Maybe that’s all. I was ready. Maybe I was just ready to move again. Maybe now the comfort zone is awkwardly uncomfortable. Well, I should say I am mostly ready. Nervous, worried and excited. But, ready to get back off the bench. Ready to live again.
I spent such a long time keeping myself in a holding pattern I lost some of my fabulous “Linda confidence”. Everyone who knows me well knew something wrong. But, no one could put their finger on it. “Is she still sick and not telling anyone?” “Why isn’t she re-engaging?” “She seems stuck.” “Should we say something to her?” Yep, I heard the well-meaning whispers. The truth is I lost my confidence and wasn’t sure how to get it back. I spent the better part of two years healing my body and feeding my soul that I neglected the rest of my life. I forgot about my dreams. I lost touch with the fire that has always lived in my belly.
A few months ago I had two weeks off from work and had sometime to really look at my life. I saw it all very clearly. I was living smaller out of fear and allowing my anxiety about my health control every aspect of my life. It had to stop.
About a month ago I ask myself “why am I waiting to live?” “Why am I waiting?” Well, the truth is if you don’t try, you can’t fail. That’s the bottom line. As a recovering perfectionist I still have fear of failure issues. But, that’s not the only reason. I conditioned myself to live safely, take precautions – after all, I was sick. But, here’s the thing. I WAS sick. I AM WELL NOW. That was my mind playing tricks on me and trying to keep me stuck. I also see now people who fed into this way of thinking were not real friends and were just trying to hold me back the same way they hold themselves back.
As I’ve slowly left my comfort zone my confidence started coming back. One day I woke up and before I even opened my eyes I knew “Now is the time!”. Almost like angels were whispering in my ear that night. I heard the message. Before my feet even hit the ground I was running down my dream. I was planning an escape from the comfort zone. My mind was spinning. It was time. The time is now. I will write more in coming weeks about the Beach Lover’s Dream I am running down currently. . But, for now, I have a big smile on my face because I am no longer afraid. One demon slayed, hundreds to go (lol).
What’s holding you back? What dreams have you lost touch with? How many demons do you need to slay?
Photo Credit: Chelìn Sanjuan 1967 – Spanish Magical Realism painter
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