This is the post that I’ve been somewhat reluctant to write. It’s been rolling around in my head for a while now. I’ve been carrying it around on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s weighing me down. I decided I needed to write it out. If for no other reason, than to lighten my load a bit and maybe move some of this crap aside for something good to come along.
I’ve been under a lot of pressure in recent months. Different forms of pressure which has been building anxiety which leads to depression and more pressure. It’s been a vicious cycle for me. I am a very positive upbeat person. So, I’ve been pressuring myself even more to get it together and focus on the positive side of things. But, am I really just avoiding what I am feeling by redirecting my thoughts constantly? Is that why I can’t seem to loosen the noose around my neck? I’m not acknowledging my feelings. Therefore, I’m keeping them inside.
A few weeks ago I sensed that I was struggling to regain my balance. Like a Nine Layer Chocolate Cake things start lying on top of me until I was almost choking to take a breadth. All the while I told everyone “I’m good.” Lol. That was a flat out lie. I wasn’t good. I haven’t been good. I was afraid to show it. It’s a weakness. I didn’t want anyone to know. Funny, because I thought I was a girl who really did not care what others think of me. I guess I was wrong. As hard as I tried to get control of it, that’s how much I was starting to spin out of control.
I found myself on the slippery slope with a professional frustration that made me feel like I wasn’t being heard. I can deal with this and I was dealing with it. But, that was the first issue that was weighing on my mind and keeping me up at nights.
Around mid-November I started not feeling well. I am still navigating this issue. The GYN Reproductive Endocrinologist I saw in Philly on Friday was excellent. She is ranked as “Best in Philly.” I had blood work drawn in her office at 1130am & she called me 430 that afternoon to give prelim results. There was something important she wanted me to know as soon as possible. I was also given a preliminary diagnosis of Adenomyosis which is swelling of the Uterus caused by Estrogen Dominance. The swollen Uterus to pushing on everything around it and causing the pain. I need a Pelvic MRI with Contrast later this week to be sure there aren’t any growth causing the Uterus to be swollen before we can talk about treatment options which will probably start with Progesterone Therapy and possibly a Hysterectomy.
The Holidays always bring a fair amount of anxiety for me. As a former life of the party kind of girl, it’s not easy for me to go to holiday parties and be sober all the time. With not feeling well, I skipped most of the social activity this holiday season which probably contributed to the depression.
And, last by not least, a man from my past contracted me. It would have been so easy to have had sex with him and lose my unhappiness for just one night. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I kept thinking about the feelings I have for another man. I just couldn’t. Also, instinctually, I didn’t want to open a door I was wise to close. While it was nice to hear from him, I still think it’s best we leave what we had in the past. He wasn’t good for me then. He’s not good for me now. He won’t be good for me in the future. However,
Hearing from him made me start thinking. The sad truth is a lot of men do not want to date a woman who can’t drink alcohol. That is my truth. I can’t change it. If I drink alcohol, my Liver will be in jeopardy. A lot of men don’t want to date a woman with high maintenance dietary restrictions. I can’t really change that either. It is what it is. Now, I’m going to be adding a probable hysterectomy & menopause to the list. It’s all too much. Plus, A lot of men don’t want to date a woman who was never married and has no children. They think there’s something wrong with me. The truth is I spent a lot of years taking care of other people without looking out for myself and life just slid by. By the time I started focusing on me it was too late for those things. Well, at least it was too late for children. I suppose on some level I find myself living with a sadness of what could have been if only I would have opened my eyes ten years ago. What could have been if I would have loved myself enough to allow others to love me? My heart was a locked vault. Now, it’s open and I feel things profoundly deeper. In some ways this is better and in some ways it is worse.
I am not dating right now. I am trying to get my hormones balanced before I do that. Lol😄 I think this will prevent a lot of drama in my future relationships. Lol😄 But, all of this swirling inside of me started depressing me in recent weeks. I spend a lot of time alone and I started wondering if I will ever meet someone who accepts me, loves me and needs me the way I need them❤️A friend suggested I sign up for Match.com to meet new people. Could you even imagine my profile? It stresses me out just thinking about it. Actually, it’s comical. I will not be doing that. I am not ready to jump into the dating pool anyway. Balancing my hormones and getting my Uterus straightened out is my first priority👍.
I would be remised if I didn’t mention I still do have very strong feelings for a man with crystal blue eyes. But, the reality is we are in a complicated situation. I allowed myself to consider what I want my life to be like if I can’t have him. What if we are only meant to be friends? While I intuitively feel something so much deeper happening between us, I must also hold a space for the possibility for a different reality. Honestly, if I can’t have him, I want a man just like him. He is cute, funny, sexy, smart and a good man. He has a good soul. I see it in his eyes. His influence in my life brought out some wonderful things in me. I want to tell him everything but I hold back because I’m not sure if he wants me to tell him everything. Part of me just wants to walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist and just stand there in the comfort of his arms for a few moments. But I won’t – actually I can’t right now. But if I could, I would. And I’d say “Thank You. I humbly thank you for the Passion I feel between us. It returned the fire to my soul and sparked sultry hot smoldering poetry. Thank you for setting an example for me. Thank you for showing what kind of man I want and deserve to have in my life. Thank you MBE. Thank you. With all the love I can hold in my heart, I thank you.” The truth it is I want it to be him. But, and it’s a big but, it may not be him. And, in recent weeks I’ve been allowing myself the opportunity to live with the notion that it may not be him no matter how much I love or want him. But, I want it to be him. I do I really do want him to be the man in my life. But, I have to accept our limitations without pressuring him.
Yesterday was the day that I felt a spontaneous explosion slowly simmering inside of me. I kept to myself. I avoided conversations. I kept the festering monster hidden from view. Until…Until I knew I was in a safe place to explode. Sensing I was on the brink of breaking, I started seeing a therapist again to help me navigate these heavy emotions. She got an earful last night. She helped me break through the sadness and honor the truth. As I was walking out the door last night her last words to me were, “Linda, I am so very proud of you. You don’t even realized how much you’ve grown, how mature you’ve become. You don’t even see how beautiful you are. You stood in your own power. You whethered this giant storm in your life. You are still standing all on your own, without alcohol, without fake friends, without casual sex and without a man to validate you. You are doing this on your own. You are emulating the strength you seek. Go home knowing I am proud of you.” Her words made me cry. Actually, they kept me up all night crying.
I hesitated writing this blog for a long time because I was embarrassed to admit I was struggling with depression. I didn’t want anyone to know. But, I chose to write this post and reveal my deepest feelings to not only release the heaviness from my soul but to also give others in similar situations the freedom to do the same.
I admitted I was depressed for the first time on Friday afternoon. I was shopping with my niece, Nikki. Nik is 31. We are very close. She told me I was allowed to be depressed. She told me there was no need to put a happy face on for her. She also offered her spare bedroom to me whenever I want company. She has a cute Pitbull puppy. I like playing with him. He gives me puppy kisses💋 Mostly I just loved how she didn’t try to cheer me up. She didn’t try to get me to see the bright side. She just accepted where I was and what I was feeling. She said she wants to take care of me the way I always have taken care of her❤️ She helped me tremendously without even realizing it.
If life is pushing you to the brink of despair, instead of avoiding it or running from it, just sit and be with it. Invite it into your home. Have some tea. Become friends with the darkness of your own soul. Once you own it, it can no longer control you. Your demons lose their power when you see them for what they are.
Lastly, please seek professional help if you feel you can’t cope on your own.
(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved