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My friend and fellow Holistic Health Coach Stephanie at Find Your Brave writes a lot about honoring where you are in the present. Stephanie coaches women to honor their feelings and emotions as they are right in this very moment. I am honoring where I am emotionally in this Self Care Sunday post.
I am grateful. I am truly grateful for all of the people who love me now and loved me in the past. This includes my family, friends and men who have been in my life. I am grateful for every person who played a role in my growth, protected me along the way and helped me become the woman I am today. I am grateful for my job. My job provides me stable income and health care which allows me to live comfortably at the beach as well as help others with my abundance. I am grateful for my apartment on the beach. It is truly my sanctuary and is a beautiful place to rest and live in peace. I am grateful for my body. My body has been through a lot and it continues sustain me. I am grateful for my tenacious spirit. It helps me rally in tough times. I am grateful for my big heart; it gives me the capacity to love deeply and truly. I am grateful for my old soul. I have the soul of an old warrior. I’ve experienced many tragedies and suffered more than most but my soul used those experienced for growth. I am a very fortunate woman but…it’s not enough. It’s all just not enough.
It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve allowed myself to see the true price I’ve paid in the name of self protection in my life. It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve began to understand I lost so much more than people in my life, I lost love and my ability to choose without fear. I am only now starting to understand what was taken away from me by the actions of men. I am also starting to understand what my life could have been if I didn’t close myself off so long ago. I can now see how expensive suffering has been in my life.
I ask God, Angels and Guides, is this it? Is this all there is going to be in my life for the next 5, 10, 20 or 30 years of my life? I ask this question because it’s become clear to me that life, the way it is, simply is not enough to sustain me long term. You may ask me what does that mean. The truth is I am not sure what that means. I only recently admitted to myself that I felt this. I talked at length about this with my therapist this past week. She honored what I was saying. She didn’t try to put happy face on anything. Her closing words stuck with me, “It’s not your fault. None of it has been your fault but your heart is carrying all the burden(s). Everyone reaches a breaking point.” It’s not that I can’t handle stress and suffering. It’s that I’ve been handing it and dealing with it since I was seven years old. The sustained pressure is breaking me down on every level. I am worn out.
What does this mean for my future and my life. I am not sure. The only thing I know is I am no longer as strong as I was. I am weary. When I get knocked down, I don’t get up as quick as I used to. When I need to rally and fight, I am just not sure it’s worth it anymore. What the hell am I fighting for anyway? To live another 5, 10, 20, 30 years in a life like this? I am not sure I want that. In honoring where I am today I allow myself to write in complete authenticity and honesty. I am allowing those who are reading this blog to truly see me and understand the burden I am feeling.
On a work related topic, In this role I’ve learned to be a Program Manager in the “company”, you need to play office politics. I have the knowledge, skills and strategic abilities to be a fantastic game-play politician. However, being a politician lacks authenticity; that doesn’t vibe well with me and it actually stresses me out. I am good at this job. I have skills necessary to do this job. The whole point of taking this temporary assignment was to explore opportunities to see how they fit. For the most part, this role fits me. However, I still say the perfect role for me is something more along the lines of a Senior Advisor to leader. In that type of role, I could do program management, project management and also offer support services to a leader without being in the middle of the politics myself. I feel like I need to “take care” of someone. Doing that is rewarding to me. Actually, I am not fulfilling that need in any area of my life right now. Also, My body is not handling stress well anymore. Perhaps it never did it’s just more noticeable now that I am older. That has been on my mind a lot lately too. It reminded me that I used to have a boss that would tell me to “STOP” “BREATH” 😂 I don’t always know how/when to stop myself. It was helpful having someone who knew me well enough to see when I needed to be pulled back. I don’t have that anymore.
Have you been honest with yourself lately? Is your life, the way it is now, enough for another 20 years? Can you live like this for another 20 years?
I encourage you to honor how you feel and where you are on this Self Care Sunday. Sit with yourself. Feel whatever it is. Stay soft in this unkind world💙🦋
I spoke my truth this morning to my boss and another manager. I told them my temporary status and the project drama was starting to cause me anxiety. First, we spoke about my project; we have a resolution. It’s still moving forward 🙂 It’s in a Legal Review now. Fingers crossed everything goes well and I should be able to start meeting with vendor by next week. Next, we spoke about the anxiety I am starting to feel about my future and the temporary status I am still in. They understood what I was saying and allievated some concerns that came up last week. However, I won’t feel completely better until I am permanently sitting one place or another. I learned through this experience long term temporary assignments are not good for someone with an anxiety disorder. It creates too much uncertainity. It’s giving me too much room to worry. If I ever do something like this again, the maximum length I will agree to is six months.
The funny thing about our conversation today was what my boss said to me. He’s a Ph.D. He,of course, had to explain my anxiety in scientific terms and with a picture😂 He stood up and drew a graphic on the board and explained the “Anxiety and Performance(Arousal) Axis. He explained to me that there was a study done that proved that high performance requires a higher level of anxiety. People who are high performers tend to be more anxious. You actually need anxiety to push you to perform. The key is operate at the peak of curve abd manage the anxiety so you don’t slip down the slope. Below is a photo similiar to the graphic he drew; click the photo for the link to the article on “Anxiety and Arousal”. He told me to Google it. When I googled it, I also found a helpful article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After I read that article, I reached out to friend who lost her son in a car accident and we scheduled a call to catch up for tonight. Hoping we can help each other 🦋
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