20 years and her death is still my reason. My sister died on March 9, 1999 around 4:30am with me and other family members by her side after two weeks on life support and a battle with a terminal illness. During those two weeks, I sat with her. I talked to her. I read the newspaper to her. But mostly I sat in silent prayer. Honoring the beautiful soul that made such an impact on my life. When it became clear to me that it was end, I made her promises and those promise are still the reasons for my choices today.
I promised her I would live the life I was capable of living. I didn’t live up to that promise for a long time. I promised her I would live up to the beauty she saw within me. I was so blinded by self doubt and bad influences in my life that I couldn’t see myself as beautiful. I also made sure I thanked her. Anything good that is me is there because she loved me and believe in me. I am who I am because that beautiful soul loved me and took care of me since the day I was born.
How exactly do you commemorate the 20th anniversary of the most painful day of your life? I am honoring her by finally living the life I am capable of living. No more playing small. I am making choices that are authentically aligned with my truth now. That’s the only way I can live now. Emotionally, I recognize a need for support so I went out to dinner with friends last night (Friday). It was a beautiful night out. I am going to philly for a day with the family on Sunday. Today, Saturday, I am honoring my body’s need to slow down. I am also allowing myself to feel melancholy for what I lost. I am reflecting and being thankful for how I’ve grown and changed in recent years. I am remembering where I came from with gratitude. I am reaffirming my commitment to embodying love and light as I moved forward in this life. Mostly, I am just missing my sister and wondering how the hell it still hurts so bad after 20 years. The pain of grief never really goes away. You just become desensitized to it. It’s like the chronic knee pain you’ve learned to live with as you get older. I’m still walking but my heart and soul are wounded. So today is a day for me to just allow myself to honor that feeling without pressing myself to be happy or social.
On a positive note, I received wonderful news on Thursday about a career related situation. It looks like the strategic risk I took a few weeks ago is going to work out better that I even imagined. It’s partly official but not totally buttoned up yet. I can’t celebrate yet. The dust should settle in the next week or two. A new beginning will hopefully be on my horizon by the end of March. The best part of this is — even if it does go sideways, I can live with it. I did the right thing for myself and for my Program. If I end up back where I used to work after all of this — well, that must be where I am meant to be. This positive news is helping to keep my spirits balanced on a tough emotional day.
This week’s action is to honor where you are. Feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need to cry. Hit bottom if it’s the only way for you to rise up to the top again. Show yourself some love and compassion today.
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Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋
Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved
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