Self Care Sunday – Love

dark night

It’s around 11:00am on Saturday morning. It’s about 90 degrees on the breach in Atlantic City, NJ with a heat index already 100. I walked to the coffee shop this morning. It’s three miles round trip. At first, it wasn’t so bad walking in the shade but walking back in the sun was harder than I thought it would be. I also noticed my heart rate was higher than normal when I walk. I have an arrhythmia that has been stable; I don’t need to take any chances with that getting push out of rhythm by heat issues.  I am staying inside the rest of day and not sure about tomorrow. That is good self care.

While I was walking, I was thinking about how do you support someone who is going through a major life transition? The below words came to me as almost a stream of consciousness. I wrote a lot of them while sitting at the coffee shop sipping my iced coffee.
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So you make it to your 50s in pretty good shape. You still look pretty good. You are healthy and have a few dollars in the bank. You have everything you ever wanted yet you are still unhappy and unfulfilled. What the fuck! Right? I know the feeling…It happened to me a few years ago.

We’ve all heard of the stereotypical mid-life crisis when you buy sports cars and bang 30 year olds. That’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about more of a spiritual awakening where your awareness is opened. It’s more about growth and finding fulfillment on deeper level than filling a void.

As for myself, I lived in denial and resistance for while. I held on. I held on until I was almost consumed with sadness and depression. The below photo is an actual depiction of me trying to hold onto to what was no longer serving my highest good 🤣 The day eventually came that holding on was harder than finding the courage within myself to let go.
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Once I let go, I needed time to rest. I wore myself out trying to hold and be what everyone else wanted or needed me to be. I needed rest before I did anything else. At that time I had more questions about my life and my future than I had answers. What I eventually realized was that time of my life was about finding the answers. It was about diving deep within myself to learn who I was and what I wanted for my future. I learned that time was about revisiting painful events from my past to make peace with them and mostly it was a time of self acceptance for me. I no longer was the same person I had been. I changed. I finally accepted it and embraced the journey to finding the new me.

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Since I’ve been through this experience, I can recognize it when I see someone else going through it. My advice is to enjoy the ride. Pull the threads in your life. Eventually you will figure out what you want and need in your life. This is your time to choose your life… While the giver in me wants to help in some way as an expression of support, I know it’s an inside job for the person who is going through it.  I know the best thing I can do for anyone I care about going through this is just give them space and time to find their answers. They already know I love and care about them. I will send love. I will hold space in my heart for them. I will hope to hear from them soon. I will go about living my best life knowing what is meant for me will be mine when the time is right.

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If you resonant with this post and find yourself having a dark night of the soul, I would encourage you to pull on the threads of your unhappiness. Find your answers. Enjoy your time of self discovery.

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Warning, I am about to get political. What is happening in America now is a battle between two extreme political positions – extreme right which seems to have chosen racism and hate speech vs. the extreme left (progressives). But the reality is the folks in the middle like me, a pragmatic Democrat, will decide the election in 2020. I chose LOVE. I choose love over hate. There is no room in my life anymore for anyone who chooses hate or uses hate speech.  I don’t mind friends being in a different political party but I have no tolerance for hate and racism – NONE, ZERO!

#MALA – Make America Love Again!

make America love again
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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved