WTF, Seriously WTF…

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Today was the day! Today was the day I was about to scream, cry, shout and totally just let the dam break. Two things happened in my life at the same time and it’s not good. #WTF

I am having some pretty uncomfortable stomach issues. I’ve had chronic bloating in my abdomen, nausea, pain in the upper left, alternating constipation and diarrhea which also leads to dehydration. It’s wearing me out – I mean wearing me the fuck out. I’ve been thinking it’s a flare up of a chronic Gastritis and IBS which I’ve had a long time. It flares up on occasion. Normally, I can get it under control in a week or so. This has been going on for three weeks. I am doing everything I was told and everything I know how to do. I am taking the right meds, I am eating the right foods, I am getting lite exercise. I am deep breathing. I am sleeping. I am doing it all. It’s just not getting better and may even be getting worse. It’s really start to stress me out.

I went to my doc again this week and she told me it’s time for a CT Scan. I am off from work tomorrow so I am having it tomorrow at noon. She then told me she wrote the script to not only look at my tummy but also look at my whole chest with blood vessels as well as check for an Aortic Aneurysm because my father had one. I am not really freaked out about the Aneurysm thing. I do not think I have one. I had an echo cardiogram three years ago for it and I didn’t have one then. What I am freaked about is that I am just not getting any better and I am tired – beyond tired. I am inclined to believe it is gastritis because it hurts more when my tummy is empty. Gastritis can take six to eight weeks to resolve. Hopefully, I get an answer with the test and see improvement in the coming few days.

What’s even more stressful is that I started a new job last week in the middle of this flare-up. It’s my dream job; setting up a new fully funded grant program. But, it’s very very messy in the beginning and it’s on a timeline from congress. So, it’s high pressure. Imagine how I feel trying to do my best work feeling like I need to throw up most of the day. Imagine how it feels to worry while I am in meetings that I can’t focus because I am in pain, nauseous or uncomfortable but can’t tell anyone.I’ve been on the edge of tears some days.

So today I get an invitation at 12:00pm inviting me to brief our senior leader and three other Execs at 2:30pm this afternoon. WTF? Seriously, WTF? 🤣 They wanted just a quick status on where I am on the plan. They gave me two hours notice… I started 10 days ago. I am still meeting with legal, congressional aides, SMEs. I don’t even have support staff yet. WTF? Seriously, WTF? Well, I managed to pull something together. Honestly, I just let it fly. Said what I had to say…All I can say is the whole thing actually worked out pretty good because they clarified a few things, narrowed my scope a bit and gave me some latitude on the interpretation on language which will narrow my target audience. They said they will defend the choice because it made sense. I also told them not to hire anyone for me NEXT WEEK. Why would I want to bring someone I have to train and direct in while I am on a tight deadline. Instead I asked them to loan me two SMEs until the end of October who can help research and pull together a solicitation. Once I have the plan done, I’ll know what kind of support staff we need going forward. They liked that and I already got an email from someone saying they are all mine for the next two months. So the impromptu briefing actually worked out to my benefit.

All I can say is… Please let my stomach start calming down🙏 Please let there be no Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm🙏 Please let me start feeling better🙏 Please let me get the big giant cubicle on the fourth floor with window view 🙏🤣I have to move up there eventually, it would be nice to have a view.

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