Self Care Sunday ~ Wisdom from my Gut

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the notion that everything I am going through is preparing me for what I want…If you read my last post, you know I am in the middle of chronic IBS/Gastritis flare-up and started a new high-profile job at the same time. The flare started about 10 days before I started the new job and before I knew how crazy the new job would be.

I had a CT Scan yesterday to check my Abdomen and they also did a scan on my Aorta because my father, who died at 41 years old, had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm(AAA). I do not believe I have an AAA. My GP felt I was going to be there anyway, we may as well check for it now since I do have a family history. My sister is having her Aortic scan next week. My brother has a pacemaker so he’s already had the scan and my other sister had a blood clot so she’s already had the scan too.  I believe this IBS flare started because stress and poor food choices but I haven’t had the space to really do good self care for it because I started the new job and it is CRAZY. So, this weekend I am giving my body a full complete STOP🛑I may go grocery shopping and may stop in Boscov’s for new slippers but that’s probably about it.

So, let me talk about the new job. Driving the Karma Bus would truly be my dream job🤣Shit, being the person who delivers Karma to negative forces would totally be the best job ever✊🤣
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But, I need to work in real life and in real life, this could truly be my dream job. Setting up a fully funded grant program is a career I never thought I would ever find with my current company. I am fortunate the Universe put me in the position to take advantage of the opportunity. Here’s where I am getting heartburn. I found out this week from our Gov Affairs office that my ENTIRE leadership team knew this was coming for over ten months but they debated and discussed it for so long they put us behind the eight ball.  I actually think the divisions were playing a game of HOT POTATO – no one wanted it🤣 Ten months ago I was in a temporary assignment working on a grant program for them. I could have been building this for months. Instead, I didn’t start working on it until August 5th with my first HUGE deliverable in October. The problem is Gov Affairs, Legal and my Leadership still do not agree on the interpretation of the language that I am working to execute. My frustration is I feel they should have had those conversation before I even came on board  – come on, they were kicking this can for months before I got here. It’s fucked up…#truthtopower

I was called to a meeting on Thursday and that’s when my dam broke. Something happened in the meeting and I starting talking REALITY to them. “Sorry but your milestone chart and timeline are aggressive and perhaps unrealistic given you just pulled me over ten days ago and October is only six weeks away.” There was dead silence in the room and on the phone when I said it – seriously – dead silence 🤣I didn’t even care – not even a little. It was the truth! I was completely honest about how I feel about the whole situation. Lol:-)  The old Linda would have never done that. I would have been too afraid to say how this was affecting me. Something changed in me in recently. I am now strong enough to enforce my boundaries and respectfully speak my truth, whatever that may be. I took my power back. I also started seeing how the situation was putting unjust pressure on me when the pressure should have belong above me. They’ve known for months this was coming; they could have pulled me over sooner. The situation is starting to affect my holistic wellness. That’s when I knew I had to say what I had to speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may.

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The reality is…if this promotion doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I realized that I am not attached to this assignment. If I get demoted back to my previous level, it’s ok because no promotion is worth my holistic wellness. There’s freedom in non-attachment. The good news is I expressed myself truthfully and they heard me. They are already working to give me help and support. Actually I got 10 emails yesterday with research and support from Execs! The director who works locally reached out to me to offer support. I spoke to her Thursday night. I really respect her and have a great relationship with her. I can talk to her openly. She said, “Linda, this is a huge task. It’s BIG! Believe me, I understand. You need help. I have someone who can help you!”

Do not get me wrong. If we get through this rough start and get through the first milestone, this could be my actual dream job – that’s if I have to work for a living – independently wealthy is the ultimate life goal🤣 But it’s been a really rough start and it’s been more difficult because I am not physically 100%.

Often on weekends, I go to a cafe up the street from my apartment for breakfast. I sit next to my 74 year old neighbor and eat at the counter. I was telling him about job and stomach issue and he said, “There’s something Biblical about that. Overcoming adversity, learning your strength. Speaking your truth even though it could cost you! Take some time think about that and think about what that is teaching you about yourself!” Then he asked the question that really hit me. He asked, “If you were feeling 100%(you’re normal self), would you have agreed to the aggressive schedule even though you would have known it was not really achievable just because you were just promoted? Would you have pushed to make it happen and prove something to them and yourself?” UGH…If you know me, you know the answer to this question would have been, YES that’s what I do…After thinking about it — maybe not feeling well at the same time I started this job slowed me down and forced me to look at things and myself differently.  My current gut flare-up feels like my gut is telling me something.  It has also been a reminder to slow down and take care of myself first and to speak my truth.  That’s why I like talking to my 74 year old friend. He’s deep!  He makes me think about deep shit.
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Maybe this rough start and how I am handing it with leadership is showing them who I am and my ability to speak truth to power. Maybe they are seeing I have managerial courage. Perhaps they are learning that I won’t lie to them and I am wiling to take a hit in order to live in truth. This is still an awesome opportunity and perhaps now that we have been level set, things will proceed differently.  I want this to work out. I want it to be successful.  I will give them my best effort. I am, however, not willing to jeopardize my self care to make it happen…That’s the bottom line. My holistic wellness comes first. That’s some powerful self awareness right there.  My Spirit Guides would be proud I finally learned the lesson🤣  Yes, what I’ve done in work this week has been good self care and perhaps I will be an example to others. Now, let’s hope my gut gets the memo that I learned the lesson and starts to calm down.

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