How Many F&*&S Do I Give? NONE

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WARNING: If the word F**K offends you, you might not want to read this post. I’m in a f**k it mood; there’s gonna be a lot of F**ks in this post… Buckle Up!

So to be clear, I am living by the words of Erika Jayne’s song “How many F**ks” where she has these insightful lyrics… “How many f**ks do I give? How many f**ks do I give? None! Zero! Not One!” And let me add, not even a little one do I give as of today or actually as of last night to be exact…
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If you read my blog regularly, you read my last Self Care Sunday post where I discussed the four alarm fire I ended up jumping into with the new job I started on August 5th. Since stepping into the role, I’ve found nothing but f**cked up shit all over the place as I’ve tried to avoid one political landmine after another. Let’s be clear. I worked ten days in a row, through the weekend with putting 12 hours days in this last week. In just this week alone, I spent two whole days locked in a conference room with a team of experts crafting a schedule, plan and a implementation strategy. I did four briefings to executives in three days. They all know what I was saying was true and fact but it wasn’t exactly what everyone wanted to hear.  However, the experts completely backed up my assessment – 💯!

Here’s some truth – I can only deliver the facts with my best and worst case scenario, that doesn’t mean any of them have to like it. Truth is truth… They didn’t believe me because I am new in this role. I may be new in this role, but I am not new to project management! Well, they eventually got behind me because they knew it was fact. However…here’s where the explosion happened…our senior leader lost her mind in the schedule because it was clear that they took too long to make a decision and lost time that can’t be made up. Again, I can only deliver truth based upon historical experience, lesson learned and contracting legal requirements and timelines. I can’t make her like it or make the timeline fit what she already committed to before she understood the process to set up a new grant program. And, this is where I started to lose my f**ks with this situation…
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I was instructed to march towards the most aggressive highest risk schedule and “to make it happen”. In other words, own the risk…Um, girfriend – we got a problem because I am not owning your risk! For me to make it happen, I will be working seven day a week for the next year and many of the milestones on the critical path require actions from others that will be out of my control. Yep, we got a problem and it’s not me. I’ve been in the job four weeks. They needed to be working the early actions on this stand up activity three months ago to complete it by September 30, 2020. I get that her butt is on the line, but so is my mental and physical health. I will not put my holistic wellness on the line for this. Nope – not giving one f**k!

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Funny how God and Universe looks out for me. Just as I finished my third brief to directors in three days, I bumped into my former boss in the hallway. I was tired and you could see it. He asked me how I was making out. I told him the truth. His exact words were, “Linda, you don’t have to do that. I care about your health and this isn’t going to be good for you. You should not own that pressure. Give it some thought and reach out to me if you want explore options to come back. Come home.”😢

I was supposed to be off on Friday but ended up working three hours. After having a really open conversation with one of my current managers, she said she understood this is not what I signed out for and then she added, “Linda, I don’t think I am going to be able to offer you any protection from “her” on this. I’m not sure what’s going on. Think about that over the weekend and we will talk again on Tuesday.”  She was trying to tell me something without officially telling me it.  After spending an hour crying because I was so f**king stressed out and overwhelmed, I reached out to my former boss and told him I was ready to explore options to “come home”. He is going to put something together for me to consider. It was the first moment I felt like I could catch my breath in ten days.

The interesting thing about this is… I think my gut instinct has been telling me to get out of this for weeks. I talked with my Mom and my sister and both reminded me that my IBS flare up didn’t start until week I accepted the new job. They invited me to a meeting the day after I signed the paperwork and that’s when I got my first glance that there could be a problem with the schedule. Guess what, after I sent my former boss that text message on Friday morning, it’s weird, but I am no longer nauseous and the diarrhea stopped. My gut was sounding the red alert and I just thought it was an IBS flare up😜 So, you know what that means, I am out. One way or another, I am out and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK… Not one!  The sad thing is… this could have been my dream job. There is so much I love about this job but not under these circumstances. I can’t do it. I have some gut health issues and I see a specialist at Jeff in Philly every two months because I am high risk for stomach cancer. That’s my reality…That’s my priority…Living a whole year stressed out, would not be good for me.  I know this happened for some reason, I am just not sure what it is yet 🤣

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I will honor my obligation, be professional and work to best of abilities as long as I am in this role. However, it’s time to let go because it is no longer serving my highest good. Maturity happens when you reach a point of knowing a money, a promotion or a fancy title, isn’t worth your being stressed out and physically unhealthy. That’s when you know you woke the f**k up.

let go

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