Self Care Sunday ~ Rearview Mirror

rear view mirror
A few years ago, I started opening my awareness to see and accept that often we do not know why we had to have some experiences until years down the road. It’s often those experiences, those jobs, those people, those uncomfortable times of our lives that gave us key knowledge or insights that ultimately helped us grow.

I will say honestly my awareness started opening to the truth in my personal life in 2009. It wasn’t until a few years later that I truly embraced it and finally moving to my quiet apartment on the beach and separating myself from the noise in my personal life that finally gave me the space and room to embrace that I changed.

The same thing happened in my professional life but the key pivotal point in my career when Blue Love left for a new job. We were in the comfort zone and his decision took us both out of it. While the transition was difficult for me, I see now without that happening neither one of us would have grown into who we are today. For me, I used that time as an opportunity to look within myself. I used it to reevaluate my needs. I used the time to look at myself and I woke up spiritually. In doing so, I realized I was unfilled in just about every area of my life.

In addition to working full-time, I went back to school for a year to become a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner from May 2017 to May 2018. The weekly exercises and classes taught me skills to manage my holistic wellness and I learned how to take care of my holistic needs. Let me be clear. This course was for personal enrichment but doing it had a profound affect on my professional career too. It helped me see that I was professionally unfilled and I only enjoyed working where I was because Blue Love was there. Without him there, the environment wasn’t enriching and it eventually became toxic. The people, the talking, the cliques and drama. It was all too much. I couldn’t handle being in the middle of it anymore. That insight inspired me to pursue a temporary assignment which changed my whole career.
risk quote

While I was working in my temporary assignment for 15 months, I was removed from the drama, noise, cliques, gossip of the organization I worked for 10 years. In that silence, in that distance, I was able to find my own voice. I was able to embrace my strengths. I was able to let go of any previous versions of myself and be seen differently. When my temporary assignment ended, I did end up going back to my former organization briefly – but on different terms. I was protected by two managers and that gave me the freedom to give those managers my best contribution. They agreed to keep me buried, out of the limelight, and protected from the noise, and I helped them problem solve by using my innate strategic abilities. In the end, I chose to leave the organization permanently. I am still happy and grateful I had the opportunity to go back to that organization temporarily and help two friends. It was a rewarding experience and I made a meaningful contribution.

So, now I am in a new job. It’s the most challenging job I ever had. Stretching me until I almost break but I’ve learned in recent weeks – it is completely within my skillset. It was stressful for the first few weeks for a few reasons but mainly because they were already behind schedule; nothing was done before I got there. I had to start at zero. I walked into a fire. Also, I went from sitting in my cubicle in a peaceful corner of the building on telecoms all day to giving regular meetings briefings to VP and Director level folks. It’s like going from being a lower level project manager with little visibility to being on VP and Director level radar every day in one step…

I actually have two briefings to leadership this coming week. What the actually f**k? 🤣I am working on them this weekend to save myself from Monday chaos. All of these briefings are exhausting. I am thankful the manager who recruited me taught me how to do them. Since I am always slotted for 30 minutes – I prepare 6-10 slides max with no backup slides. My senior exec is a data driven engineer so I give her data on each slide to chew on. She likes it. And the part I am good at – I tell a good story – I prepare the narrative (messaging) that goes with the slide packet in advance; no free-styling in the room 🤣 Lastly, give my GM & Director an opportunity to comment in advance to obtain support before going in – which means think & plan ahead. 🙄Blue Love says these leadership briefings will keep me charged 🤣 Maybe…it does seem like it’s preparing me for something in the future. I guess I will be able to see that clearly in the rearview mirror. But, jeez, couldn’t they let me ramp up and catch my breathe before being thrown into the Shark Tank right from my 9th day? 🤣

Something kicked in the last few weeks. I realized this job is really going to be about risk management, communications and managing stakeholders. If I can be disciplined to assess risks and impacts early and often, work with leadership to figure out mitigations, I will be able to manage the chaos without getting completely overwhelmed by stress. I am utilizing the risk management experience I gained a few years every day. I’ll be riding this roller coaster job for at least for another ten months until I can potential bid out at my current level. Hopefully, everything starts falling into place and I’ll stay until I am eligible to retire in eight years but only time will tell with job. The problem with this job is…since starting it, I am exhausted on the weekends from the level of effort that is required of me all week. I’m not enjoying my life. I am out of balance because I am so darn tired by the time the weekend comes…And, I’ve had a migraine since Thursday night most likely from clenching my jaw. I am not comfortable with how this is affecting my holistic health.

I will confess part of me wishes I was never recruited for this job. I really don’t need nor really enjoy being in the limelight. I am actually quite ok playing a support role to a leader rather than being the star. That’s why I so enjoyed Blue Love. I would still enjoy doing that for him. Being this visible is uncomfortable… I am adapting but it’s taking a lot of energy and interfering with the rest of my life. Other folks see the level of effort that is needed…A GM involved said to me yesterday, “You are the right person for this job because someone will tell you NO ten times yet somewhere in there you hear YES. You figure out a way to get it done and get to YES when most would give up. The job is challenging and complicated; it needs your strategic abilities and tenacity!” I suspect he’s right but is he saying I am pushy? Because I’ve been trying to not be so pushy. Lol 🙂
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This brings me back to Blue Love. He put the ball into motion for both of us back in 2016 when he accepted a new job which took him away from me. Because he did that, we both had an opportunity to grow and stretch. It gave us both freedom to find our own authentic voice. It gave me a whole new career path and it lead him to another new job as a Senior Executive for another company. I could not be more proud of him or grateful to him. There is no doubt in my mind that he and I were always meant to find each other, help other grow, learn from each other and love each other. Our connection is truly unbreakable and for our highest good 💙✨

Often times we can’t see how everything always works out for our highest good until we have an opportunity to look at it in the rearview mirror. With reflection, we can see how things fell into the place perfectly or how things falling apart led to growth and change. Courage is needed to look at ourselves. Fortitude is needed during difficult times and a good bit of guts is needed to take a risk on love, on your future and on yourself.

On the another related topic, I got a call this week about a family member being emotionally unstable again. In the past, I would jump into action and try to help them through it emotionally. I would help them work through their problems to find a solution. This time, I am choosing to not engage. It’s not because I don’t love them or care about them. It’s because they have to learn to adapt and save themselves. They have to learn how to navigate through problems and stand on their own. I won’t be here forever. They have to wrestle their demons on their own and gain strength by doing it. Honestly, I’ve been through a lot in my life. I am a survivor. Loss has broken my heart. People have disappointment and hurt me emotionally and physically. And somehow, today, at 52 year old, I still believe in people and still believe in love. I saved my own soul. My salvation was in the strength that I gained by struggling and overcoming adversity. I learned coping skills to get through tough times. I will not take that type of growth opportunity away from anyone else by making things easy for them anymore. They have to learn to fight for their own soul and I will have to learn to live their choice – if they don’t.

On a musical note, if you don’t already have Lenny Kravitz “Essentials” or “Greatest Hits” in your collection, you can download it with this link in Apple Music. I’ve loved Lenny for a long time 💙He’s cool 😂And I love his soulful rock.

Let love rule 💙


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Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved