Self Care Sunday ~ Early Detection

5A812EB1-30DC-4C74-873D-82A20BAAAD65_1_201_a“Suck it up, spit it out and handle it”. That’s my Mother’s way of saying “You got this” or “Get over it” or “You’ll be fine” 🤣 I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard this in my life…My Mother was never a coddler nor was she sensitive to emotions and feelings. She’s softened after she turned 70 🤣 Now that she is 80, she is still a tough old lady but she also is more compassionate and loving. She says I helped her grow✌️

I shared the above story about my Mother’s favorite saying because she just said it to me Friday. However, Friday she followed it with “I love you and you have to give this one over to God.” The reason she said this to me is because my Dermatologist did a biopsy yesterday on a growth on my jawline. While doing the biopsy, the Dermatologist told me she was 95% sure the growth was Skin Cancer, Squamous Cell Carcinoma (SCC) to be exact. She told me, once the biopsy results were independently verified, she would refer me to Mohs Surgeon for removal. The whole thing was a bit surreal. I thought I was going to just get mole “looked at”. I figured they would just freeze it off and away I would go. Instead I found myself having a conversation about SCC being 99% curable when caught early and being told I need to make sure to get it taken care of because SCC can spread to Lymph Nodes and bones.

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Let me be clear I am not upset about this. I have enough friends who have had Skin Cancer and have had Mohs Surgery. I already two recommendations for surgeons in Philly. The reason it caught me off guard is because I really thought it was only a mole. I really only went to the doctor because I am vain and didn’t want to walk around with a mole on my jawline 🤣 And let me tell you, it grew quick. It wasn’t there at my last full body scan in June. I found it in mid November and it grew a good bit by the time it was biopsied. The doctor said I did everything right and catching it early is important. Seriously, I walked out of the Doctor’s office like “what the f**k just happened?” 🤣

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The conversation about SCC freaked me out a little because it’s exactly where I’ve been complaining about jaw pain for two years. After a MRI, Cat Scan and Ultrasound, they told me the pain in my jaw is Arthritis but a cancerous growth is there now too. Can you blame me for being a bit freaked out. Also, this is the second kind of Cancer I’ve caught early. I had pre-cancer in my colon removed and I have abnormal cells (that are not cancer but could become it) in my stomach that are being monitored. Is this just how getting old is? Is staying on top of stuff so you catch things early what we do after we turn 50? I still have a 5% chance it could not be SCC but it seems I just gotta “Suck it up, Spit it out and Handle it!” 🤣

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Switching topics…I had an appointment to test drive a new car (2020) after the biopsy yesterday. I loved the car but the numbers weren’t where I want them to be. It wasn’t financial advantageous for me leave my lease early so I left. I told them we can revisit it when I am closer to the end of my lease. They have already reached back out to me on Saturday morning saying they are still working on it 🤣Let them work it…I am not budging unless it’s where I want it to be…. Guess what? When I was in my 20s, I was an Assistant Buyer for a retail company. I spent all day in my cubicle negotiating cost, terms and lead times with vendors. The key to negotiating is to not show emotions or attachments. I can live without a new car and I can tell them “no thanks” all day long if they want to keep trying without meeting my terms…🤣

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My last topic today is work…this job has me so conflicted… Part of me loves it. Part of me hates it. I am doing a good job and they’ve told me it. I am capable of succeeding in this job but I find myself being routinely ethically challenged. Therefore, I am not attached to it. The opportunity to make a difference in the industry comes with a good bit of drama, pressure from political players and folks in industry who expect special consideration — which I won’t give them – period!  It’s gonna be a fight… I will be using scoring mechanisms that even the playing field – period!  Its up the primary applicants to partner with other entities and up to recipients to issue sub-awards and give contracts for services post award without pressure. My direct supervisor and I are completely in alignment with “no” being the answer. Fortunately, a scathing new audit of grant programs administered by our “parent” company gives me justification and the cover to say “no” but I do have legal looking for a way to help me give everyone a “win” so I don’t have to battle with leadership again. I will have to see how this plays out.…So, as much as I love the opportunity to make a difference in this job, I am still not attached to it. I am not sure I will stay in it for the long term if these types of issues continue to pop up. It’s exhausting and they have certainly found a way to f**k up my dream job. I am staying open to other opportunities that cause me less stress and conflicts. Again, the key is non-attachment or maybe it’s just a distraction to see if I am going to f**k up what I asked for???🤣 I am just not sure which way it’s going yet…

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Something that made me happy today…I gave every employee in the building I live in a $10 Dunkin’ Donuts Gift Card yesterday as a token of appreciation for their help throughout the year and I also contributed to their bonus fund. I’ve seen a bunch them walking around the building today with DD cups and they all had big smiles on their faces when they saw me. It made me happy🤣

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2 thoughts on “Self Care Sunday ~ Early Detection

  1. I love this line: “Is this just how getting old is? Is staying on top of stuff so you catch things early what we do after we turn 50?” Lol, yes. Yes, it seems to be. Thank you for sharing what’s going on with you.

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