Self Care Sunday ~ Escaping the Matrix

pina colada

If you like Pina Coladas. And getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga. If you have had a brain. If you like making love at midnight. In the dunes on the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape.

If I could escape the matrix(reality), I mean really escape –  I would quit my job. I would move somewhere in the mountains, maybe somewhere in the Berkshires, to breathe clean mountain air. I would work at a coffee shop or cafe while also  building my Holistic Health Practitioner business. I would offer Reiki and help folks navigate alternative solutions to Big Pharma meds. I would live simply. Doing something earthy and be grounded. I would eat cleanly and move my body in fresh clean air. I would leave everything in my current real life behind. Seriously, leave it all behind…

Yep, I would escape to the mountains because I need hills and trees. It’s too flat here at the beach… And, I would not want to escape to Key West. I’m not a burn-out, alcoholic  or boater. Maybe I am generalizing too much but I think you have to be one of those to enjoy the Key West lifestyle. Also, Florida is “red hat” country and I would end up in a fist fight 😂 If I am leaving the matrix, I am going into the mountains.

matrix meme

It’s not the first time I thought of escaping to the mountains. I was actually going to do it a few years ago, around 2012, when I got sick and was looking to simplify my life…time passed life carried on… I moved on and I ended up where I am. Where I am isn’t bad place, it just isn’t in alignment with who I am deep down inside. But honestly… I’ve always kept my escape plan in the back of mind and it’s the reason why I am still renting a condo instead of buying. I am still fantasizing that one day my golden handcuffs will be Blue Love tying to me to the bed instead of job😈

My simple truth is…I don’t need much to be happy. I never have. I got caught up in my flow of making money, career advancement and accumulating stuff. The truth is… none of this is truly aligned to who I am when I take my mask off everyday…that’s at the heart of my discontentment.

So what’s holding me back from breaking free and making the move?

First, my mother. My Mom is 80 years. She lives in Philly and I enjoy playing an active role in her life. Four hours away from her is too far for me to see her on a regular basis. As far as the rest of my family – a little distance would be just fine 😂

Second, can I really walk away from a job where I make decent living and live in a beachfront condo to making coffee while building my own business? It’s scary…I don’t know I am ready yet but I am at least starting to formulate a plan and opening my mind to living on less.

The third reason I am hesitating is Blue Love. By making this choice I would be putting physical distance between us. We will always be connected in our hearts and souls but this would put a lot of space between us. I’m not sure I can do that…unless…perhaps Blue Love is also fantasizing about escaping the matrix.  I doubt that he wants to leave the matrix considering he has a new fancy job but indulge me while I break out into song for Blue Love🤣✌️💙🥰

If he likes coffee alotta
And getting caught in the rain
If he’s willing to try yoga
I just love his beautiful brain
If he wants to make love at midnight
Under the stars with videotape
I will be his lover forever
Let’s start planning our escape

Maybe this post is just me indulging a fantasy and finally giving it air. Maybe it’s a prediction of what will happen in the future or maybe it’s me finally taking the mask off and showing you all who I really am. This has been at the heart of my internal conflict for a long time…I am much simpler and need less than the life I am currently living…but I am not quite ready to let go…

Here’s this week’s work update, I’ve was successful in getting my title changed to “Program Lead” instead of “Program Manager” this week👍This is good for me✌️First, “lead” was the position I thought I was accepting when I took the job back in August.   I never thought I would be the “Program Manager” because that is a role usually held by someone who is officially in management. Somehow everyone started looking at me like the “Program Manager” and calling me it.  It’s been causing a lot of confusion with internal and external stakeholders about my level of authority, accountability and responsibility. Which means it is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m not an official manager, and at this time, I don’t want to be.

This job has taken over my whole life…I want my life back.   I need space in my life to find happiness. I’ve been working with leadership to establish structure around me and also restructure my position and workload.   Instead of me traveling in February, three of them are coming to my location for a few days to help “fix” things locally.  There’s only so much you can do over the phone… I don’t have to travel again until March… At least that is the current plan but it seems to change daily…so who knows at this point 🤣

A coworker made a comment about how much “fun” my job must be. If you call going to legal about ethics stuff in your first 60 days on a new job, blowing up a schedule by a year in your first 90 days and having leaders doubt and question me for the first three months fun, then I guess it might be fun🤣 I will share that everything I told leadership has been proven to be 💯 right ✌️The actual the schedule slippage that was caused by leadership’s missteps before I got here last summer is 15 months not a year.  That’s right — the regulatory actions leadership missed that I uncovered in my first six weeks broke their schedule by 15 months.  OUCH!  The good thing is now they believe me and trust me.  They also know it was not my fault. They see me as the person who got them moving in the right direction – as painful as it was for me🤣Someone told me I “saved their bacon!” 🤣 You may call this fun but I still call the whole thing fucked up!

So, the word “fun” triggered me though. I don’t remember when I last had fun…In any area of my life…That’s kind of what my problem is….I need to find my way back to authentic Linda. Because the Linda I’ve been on the last six to nine months hasn’t been fun or enjoyed herself in any way…And I’m not just talking about work…I have to find a way to get back to fun and reclaiming my life and my personal power. That’s why I want to go on a retreat.

A retreat is different from a trip. A retreat is different from a vacation. I don’t want to sit by the pool and sip cocktails. I don’t to explore new landmarks.  I want to remove myself from real life, quiet the noise down from outside influences,  sit with myself, feel the good, bad and ugly within myself and excavate a path to happiness from within.  I am currently looking for the most supportive place to do that kind of work – I, of course, keep returning to  I just hate driving five hours each way to go there so I am doing some research.  I think I may be willing to splurge this time around and really break my matrix 🤣Who knows, maybe I’ll go to Sedona, AZ for a retreat. I will most likely be going to an upscale retreat in the Pocono Mountains which drivable, But there is a swanky one near Pittsburgh but that is also a long drive,  Stay tuned to learn where I end up going…


And a political rant….

If all you Democrats & Independents don’t turn out to vote on November 3rd in record numbers and we get 4 more years of The Trump Cult, I may escape to Canada 🇨🇦 If you aren’t worried about our country slipping into an Authoritative/Dictatorship, you aren’t paying close enough attention to Trump & the GOPs actions… Stay woke ✌️

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