It happened yesterday afternoon. The moment that I finally admitted the truth that I’ve been denying for months. The truth is – my truth is – I am in the middle of depression. I finally let someone see me…
It actually happened at work by accident but the after-affects have been vibrating through me since. Here’ what happened… I work in large building with many employees. I don’t typically socialize with coworkers outside of work. However, a long term friend, in real life, is also a coworker. She worked on the other side of building but her cubicle was coincidentally moved across from mine recently. I am a new vegetarian and she has been a vegetarian almost her whole life. I was asking her for tips…
Then she says, “Why are you changing your diet so much again, is your stomach still not improving?” Well, the answer to that what that my stomach is still fucked up. I’m not sure what is going on but I’m having an Upper GI on Friday… She then says, “I hear you on the phone and when folks stop by, that job seems stressful! Does that bother you?” The answer to that question was “Yes, it bothers me and I told her If I would have known what I was getting into, I would not have accepted this job. I am also trying to work it out with them. It’s been stressful.” Then she says, “for me – what I think is anxiety is actually depression”. And, that’s when I teared up. We both knew when she said it – that is what happening with me. I am in a depression. I’ve been trying to act normal, work normal and pretend to be normal while I am depressed and sad.
For clarity, I’ve known I was skirting the edges of depression. I knew I was feeling conflicted in many aspects of my life. I just didn’t want to use the word. Like saying the word was admitting I was a failure. So this is me finally admitting it. It’s been manifesting itself as anxiety, likely giving me tummy troubles and making work even more stressful than it already is… Today, I am finally showing you who I really am. Today I will stop beating myself up and just let whatever needs to drop – drop. Here’s is where I let it go. I can’t keep wearing the mask anymore.
Since last weekend I’ve been thinking a lot about happier times in my life. I’ve retracing what was happening in my life, what was I doing at that time that made me happy? One major difference is… I practiced yoga five days a week. Yoga was like my chill pill. It’s like smoking pot 🤣 I’ve gotten away from it in recent months. Given my body has changed and I am older, I need to approach my yoga practice differently and focus on a slower more nurturing style instead of flow or Vinyasa. I need a slower soothing practice, I engaged my inner yogi by starting a 21 day yoga challenge on Sunday. I am only practicing 30 minutes a day. I am using YouTube videos instead of putting pressure on myself to go to a studio and I am only doing Yin Yoga. Yin is slower, meditative and you hold poses for longer while doing a breathe meditation. Yin will be more nurturing to me at this time it’s also excellent for stress for anxiety. I just finished tonight’s practice. I used this video tonight and I really like this instructor:
The other change I am making is that once in a while I am going to let myself have that one glass of really expensive red wine with dinner. My stomach isn’t any better without it. Abstaining hasn’t helped my tummy and I do miss sitting and talking to a friend over a glass of wine. If I am going to suffer anyway, I may was well enjoy a glass of goddamn wine when I am not driving🤣🍷
I got my income tax refund and it’s going towards a retreat in march. I am definitely booking three nights at The Lodge at Woodloch in the Pocono Mountains. I am also going to do the technology detox while I am there. If anything happens in my family, they will need to call the Hotel Receptionist because I am locking my cell phone up for four days. I waiting until after I have the Upper GI on Friday to book the trip but it will most likely be mid to late march.
And as far as my crazy job goes … Well, I have risk adverse managers. I am, however, a risk taker. I made a few phone calls today that technically could get me in trouble.. but if it works out, it will be worth it and I may have found a solution to one of our biggest challenges and risks. I will know for sure tomorrow. So, here’s what I say to that…
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Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋
Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved
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