Self Care Sunday ~ Means to an End

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I took the above photo while walking this morning along the back bay in Ventnor City, NJ. I was thinking a lot about my work and life as I walked. The question I kept asking myself was…”How much do you trust yourself? How much do you trust God? How much do you have faith that God and Universe will guide you to the right choices?” After pondering these questions for most of the walk, I came to an mind blowing realization… I am currently at the stage of having such complete trust and faith in God and Universe that I literally no longer give a fuck🤣 It doesn’t matter anymore. I will be just fine… whatever happens.

don't give a fuck meme

I have complete faith in God and in the Universe to protect me and guide me. I guess my faith is so strong because I’ve survived a lot of shit in my life. I’ve live through grief, loss, financial ruin, physical harm, emotional abuse, unhealthy relationships, suicide attempts, multiple depressions, countless career moves and…guess what? I am still standing – stronger than ever!  Living through it helped me grow into a strong, beautiful woman with rock solid faith. There is a purpose to my suffering. Maybe, just maybe, God has been preparing me all along with now, this moment in mind, so I could help others get this through trying time.

Jeremiah 29:11

The biggest reality check about my job is that it is a means to an end for me. It’s not who I am. My identity and self worth are not tied to my occupation. Truthfully, I would prefer to be working for a non-profit such as a homeless shelter than doing the type of work I am doing right now but if I made that type of move right now, I would take a huge pay cut. While working in my current job, I have the means to help local organizations like the Atlantic City Rescue Mission out of my current salary. I would never be able to do this if I was working for a non-profit. I’ve been an active volunteer at the Mission for years but haven’t been in the facility recently. I can’t take the chances of getting sick. I am helping them in other ways. Long term, I plan to retire the day I am eligible and go to work for a non profit.

If you have the means, please consider making a donation to www.acrescuemission.org. The Mission serves three meals to over 400 people a day in the community, offers shelter and gives bags of food away to members of community out of their pantry. The lines at the Mission have been around the block for the last few weeks as many have not received Unemployment benefits or stimulus checks yet.
Atlantic City Rescue Mission

Work update: My new GM has really jumped into the fight with me and has been able to provide me cover so I can move things forward. I am thankful for that. The reality is… leadership recognized I was right. I was trying to tell them for eight months about risks. The explosion that happened a couple of weeks was inevitable. I told them months ago. I do not have the authority to do some of things they were tasking me to do – it’s the bottom line. I kept telling them it. I was documenting it in status updates and briefings since last August. I moved forward doing what I could do without crossing the line until I had to stop. We’ve reached the point I have to stop and someone with authority to negotiated contractual relationships has to take some of it over. They recognize that now – mostly because my new GM went through all of the documentation and saw I was right. I also wrote two 10 page technical documents that have been peer reviewed by some high level folks in the company and have passed with minimal edits. Most of the edits have been editorial in nature but haven’t changed or challenge my strategy✌️That’s a win ✌️ This is also giving me some leverage.

managing-up-relationships

They are hoping to keep me in place until we hand our “package” off to our parent company which is targeted for December or January unless we can accelerate it. I am not involved with what happens in the months after the “hand-off”.  If I can hang in there until after the hand-off, there will be a wider range of career opportunities open to me without causing any type of risk to the program…It comes down to how much stress, drama and anxiety can I take to move their objective along while also helping to move my own personal goals along too?

This job stuff has really been too much drama… And, I’m quite ready to say “Fuck it!” but I am reminded it is a means to end 🤣 In the meantime, I am trying to find Zen while doing some adult coloring with watercolor pencils.  The title of the coloring book spoke to me on a deep spiritual level…🤣

adult coloring

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