Self Care Sunday ~ Destiny Rarely Misses

destiny

REMEMBER Transformations are never easy…To transform into new versions of ourselves, we often have to strip away everything we know about ourselves to become someone new.

I think this is problem I’ve been having in my job. I  started this job in August 2019. Since day one it has been demanding I become a new Linda and I’ve been in full resistance — I’ve been in resistance because I didn’t know that was what I was signing up for. They didn’t tell me how complicated the project would be.  They were not honest and did not tell me 95% of the burden would be on my shoulders. I never made a conscious choice to become this “work” version of myself. It wasn’t until I was already in the job and saw the full picture that I understood who I would need to become to successfully run this project.  

My truth is…I have an Anxiety Disorder and this job has been triggering it since day one. I’m back to taking Xanax at bedtime to stop clenching my jaw. Otherwise, I’ll worry all night. I MISS having a low pressure job 🤣
change

Most folks would call me a Project Manager but my actual role is the Pre Award Lead for two new programs. All that means is I identify and execute the steps needed to launch the new programs successfully and then turn them over to someone else to perform regular operations and maintenance.   In one regard, the project is the perfect fit for me. I like project work because there is a beginning, middle and end.  I also like project work because it’s diversified.  I like to move around and have new experiences so project management work is actually a good fit for me. The role is also a good fit because  my brain is hard-wired for strategic planning and I enjoy working on the front end of the development cycle.

In other ways, this is the  hardest job I ever had in my entire life… The HARDEST… At 53 years old, I just wasn’t intending on signing up for the hardest job of my career 🤣 YOU feel me?  🤣 Can you understand why I was so bitter and had so much resistance to it?  Also, I walked into a fucked up situation. They were already four to six months behind schedule on my very first day in the job.  A good bit of my early efforts were spent trying to find the most expeditious path forward without breaking any laws 🤣 The project has been understaffed and I’ve encountered one land mine after another. My leadership doesn’t understand the work and every “expert” I’ve needed guidance from to move this forward has been new in their role, and therefore, conservative with their guidance. Yawn, I am LIKE fucking over it already 🤣 It’s actually become A big FAT joke between my boss and I that so many folks are new in their jobs and afraid to make the wrong decision.  So we agreed I should just start doing my own research and sending it to them asking for written concurrence.  If it’s wrong, I’ll take the hit. I KID you not. …  It won’t be wrong…I am good at research and documentation. Can you understand why I ran out of fucks to give along the way in this crazy fucked up job? Seriously – I am straight out of fucks..fucks

To help mitigate risks to the program and for the company, I am focused on staying with the program until they “handoff” packages to our parent company targeted for Autumn 2020.  I am working to accelerate that 🤣They know I am not interested in working daily operations.  Once they bring on the full time person for daily operations, there will be wiggle room for me to transition into a new role.  Also I am pretty sure leaving at the critical point of the schedule on a highly visible project could be the kiss of death to my career and finding other projects to work on 🤣 If I stay until after the key milestones, I will have greater pool of opportunities. So, here I am… It’s funny because the early part of the week was really HARD but good news on Wednesday made the rest of the week rewarding. I’m becoming the Linda I never asked to be in a role I never intended to apply for; I was recruited (selected). I didn’t apply for it…

I don’t believe in coincidences. Destiny rarely MISSES.  Perhaps destiny found me while I was busy looking for it in other places 🤣

Transformations

Funny story… When I stepped out on my balcony to take the below photo this afternoon, the wind blew the door shut and broke the handle 😳 I was stuck on my balcony on the seventh floor of a high rise and the front door to my apartment has a deadbolt on it. 😲The building maintenance staff wouldn’t be able to come in without taking my door off 😳After freaking out at first, I remembered my balcony window doesn’t lock all of the way. I was able to pry it open and climb in through the window. However, now I have to figure how I am going to water my little plants on the balcony while I wait for the door to be fixed.  I will have to either climb out the window or reach all the way out and hope the water hits them 🤣 I think I deserve a slice of CHOCOLATE CAKE  tonight 💙

ALERT:  CODED MESSAGE IN THIS POST 💙😘balcony garden
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