Self Care Sunday ~ Uncertain Times

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It’s 10:00am on Saturday morning. I am still in my nighty, robe & fuzzy slippers. I am sipping my second cup of coffee in deep thought about life and this crazy job I’ve been in for five weeks now.

During challenging or uncertain times I find it comforting to remember what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was not meant for me. It’s comforting to me because it reminds that every experience, good or bad, has a purpose in our lives. It’s up to us to dig within ourselves through introspection to find the meaning or purpose and then use that knowledge to change, grow and adjust.

I’ve been in this new job for five weeks. As far as jobs go, it’s a four alarm fire and I am not even joking when I say that. It has wide political implications and it’s on our industry’s radar. I got my first “inquiry” from the folks who give us money this week 😳 I heard I should expect a lot of them. The external pressure is going to grow as the year goes on. Fortunately for me I’ve only been here five weeks so none of the heat is hitting me right now. My leaders know I am the one trying to put out the fire while navigating political landmines. The reality is the strategic planning and stakeholder engagement work that is needed to stand up this type of program with this type of reach should have been done three to six months ago. They should have secured support and buy-in from their high level counterparts long before I got here. They should have already done a Market Survey or a Public Meeting around the early part of the summer to collect the data I am trying to collect now. Someone dropped this ball on this and they dropped it hard…Now, the problem is valuable time was lost in the schedule so leaders are trying to execute without a solid foundation or stakeholder buy-ins. It’s a hot mess.  I’ve been saying this since the day I got here. They haven’t wanted to hear it and thought I didn’t know what I was doing at first🤣  The good news is legal, contracts and the experts all agree with my assessment and legal in conjunction with contracts has put a stop to things while it’s sorted out which gives me breathing room. I think someone could seriously take a hit on this.  That’s not me being dramatic; it’s me knowing who the external stakeholders are.  It won’t be me who takes the hit.  Staff members at my level rarely bare the burden but trust me the big wigs are strategizing to not catch the blame or own the risk. Some have called it “dog eat dog”; I think it is more like the “Hunger Games” 🤣Seriously, the drama in my last job had nothing on this…🤣🤣

So, how does one work in a situation this volatile? It hasn’t been easy. It’s been one fire drill after another. In a sense, I am a firefighter without water.  Believe me when I tell you, the biggest explosion could still come from external stakeholders unless someone is really good at playing the game. Right now, I am observing how leaders work the politics around this and hoping to learn something from them.

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The good news for me is that I’ve received excellent feedback from everyone I’ve work with and they respect my ability to be professional and level headed in difficult situations. That’s the “Relator – or Relationship Builder” in me. But I don’t trust any of them… Not one! It’s just words and bullshit to get me stay. My protection is that I only started five weeks ago and I’ve intentionally demonstrated in multiple briefings that the schedule was blown three months ago. Remember, according to strengthfinders.com, strategic is my #1 strength 🤣 For now, I am just putting my head down and staying focus on my strategic planning and start up action items. It’s the only way to get through the day and stay out of the drama. I’ve also been in contact with my former bosses to pursue other career options just in case it becomes too uncomfortable. I do find comfort in knowing the experts back me up and I’ve already earned the complete support of the my team in just these five short weeks. That either demonstrates that my assessment from day one was right all along or that I have strong leadership abilities. Perhaps it’s both. I would say the style of leadership I try to emulate is “Servant Leadership”.

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What I’ve learned about myself in these five weeks is interesting. I’ve learned that I can lead a diverse team on a complicated task. I’ve learned that I can effectively control meetings to stay on topic and keep the meeting productive. I’ve learned I am good at delivering unpleasant information to leaders 🤣This is truly a skill…No joke ✌️ I’ve learned I am intellectually capable of this job. I’ve learned I have the skills and ability to operate at this level. Honestly, I still say the role of a “Senior Advisor” to a leader or leadership team is the right type of role for me and I would be totally up for that type of role instead of this hot mess 🤣 Hmm, wonder if my former GM needs a Senior Advisor with my unique skill set? The most enlightening thing I’ve learned about myself in these five weeks is that I am now better at managing my holistic wellness than I used to be💙I’ve learned that I really don’t give a f**k if I stay in this job. Most importantly, I’ve learned this decision will really come down to me listening to my body and honoring my body’s needs. I am not the same person I used to be. My body is not as strong as it used to be. I need to be focused on protecting my long term health rather than meeting a milestone for someone who doesn’t give a f**k if I get sick in the process. They will replace me with someone who is willing to sacrifice themselves for the mission in short order.  Trust me, they won’t visit me in the hospital if I am down for the count as a result of pushing myself beyond my body’s limits. So, that is where I am right now. Stuck in uncertain times for sure!

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The reason I took this job in the first place is because I could see ten years down the road in it. Ten years down the road I can say I was part of the team who stood this up and I was part of the team that had an impact on the workforce of our industry for years to come. If I can ride out this rough start up and if my leadership can find a way to protect me from the drama, we may be able to work it out. As of today, I just don’t know how to read the situation. I will say – I welcome the Universe to deliver a new opportunity to me that meets my holistic needs. To complicate the situation even more, my GM, who recruited me for this job and who is a personal friend, accepted a job in another organization. She will be leaving in a few weeks. I’ve known this is coming… It’s a good choice for her. The truth is if she didn’t find an exit ramp, she could catch the blame even though it’s really the Exec who dropped the ball by not making a timely decision…By her making the move now, she will be protected if the shit really hits the fan. It does, however, complicate the situation for me. I’m telling you – it’s been non-stop drama everyday and that’s why I am not sure if I have the energy to ride this out even though the long term goal is something I believe in 🤣

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I am heading to the White House Initiative on Historically Black Colleges & Universities conference in DC this Sunday to Tuesday afternoon.  I am staying at the hotel I like so I can give myself some space from the conference activities. That’s self care. I plan to visit Newseum when I get there tomorrow and then grab dinner somewhere. The President will be at the conference on Tuesday. I am not sure I will still be there when he arrives or speaks 😉

Self Care this week has complicated. I’ve learned a lot about myself and whatever happens with this crazy work situation is fine by me. I am not the same person I used to be.  I now know my holistic wellness and my long term health are more important than a lofty goal or making a name for myself in my career. When I look at the situation this way, perhaps, this all I was supposed to get from his experience…

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Consent Of The King ~ Blue Love Poetry

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So I want change the energy from my recent Self Care Sunday post where I explained that I have no f**ks to give about a work situation anymore🤣 I still don’t have any f**ks to give on that topic. I am still tip toeing around political land mines, waiting to see how things play out and still not enjoying myself. It’s time for me to switch my personal energy to attract something better. So my focus today is something that I do enjoy. Writing poetry for Blue Love. Today I call the sexy playful energy of the word f**k when used as verb as in – Fornication Under the Consent Of the King (F**k)😈🔥 That means it’s time for a sex poem for Blue Love…

Consent Of The King ~ Blue Love Poetry
Fornicate
With me
My King

I give you
Consent
To use
My body
As your release

It is only
In the divine light
Of your beautiful eyes
That I am aroused

I submit
My naked body
To your erotic fantasies
As a loyal subject
And adorning lover

My King
It is the
Sweetness of your face
I so desire
In these
Trying times
As I strategize
Against opponents
Who underestimated me
Yet emboldened
My self confidence

I’ve grown
Stronger
Since you last
Felt the love
Of my eyes
Locked with yours

Fornicate
With me
My King

I lay open
For your crown
To lay
My belly
After you
Take me
Under your command

I beg
To serve
At the pleasure
Of my king

Fornicate
With me
My King

Let me
Look into
Those beautiful
Blue eyes
While you
Fornicate
With me
My King

Signed,
Your loyal subject

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

How Many F&*&S Do I Give? NONE

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WARNING: If the word F**K offends you, you might not want to read this post. I’m in a f**k it mood; there’s gonna be a lot of F**ks in this post… Buckle Up!

So to be clear, I am living by the words of Erika Jayne’s song “How many F**ks” where she has these insightful lyrics… “How many f**ks do I give? How many f**ks do I give? None! Zero! Not One!” And let me add, not even a little one do I give as of today or actually as of last night to be exact…
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If you read my blog regularly, you read my last Self Care Sunday post where I discussed the four alarm fire I ended up jumping into with the new job I started on August 5th. Since stepping into the role, I’ve found nothing but f**cked up shit all over the place as I’ve tried to avoid one political landmine after another. Let’s be clear. I worked ten days in a row, through the weekend with putting 12 hours days in this last week. In just this week alone, I spent two whole days locked in a conference room with a team of experts crafting a schedule, plan and a implementation strategy. I did four briefings to executives in three days. They all know what I was saying was true and fact but it wasn’t exactly what everyone wanted to hear.  However, the experts completely backed up my assessment – 💯!

Here’s some truth – I can only deliver the facts with my best and worst case scenario, that doesn’t mean any of them have to like it. Truth is truth… They didn’t believe me because I am new in this role. I may be new in this role, but I am not new to project management! Well, they eventually got behind me because they knew it was fact. However…here’s where the explosion happened…our senior leader lost her mind in the schedule because it was clear that they took too long to make a decision and lost time that can’t be made up. Again, I can only deliver truth based upon historical experience, lesson learned and contracting legal requirements and timelines. I can’t make her like it or make the timeline fit what she already committed to before she understood the process to set up a new grant program. And, this is where I started to lose my f**ks with this situation…
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I was instructed to march towards the most aggressive highest risk schedule and “to make it happen”. In other words, own the risk…Um, girfriend – we got a problem because I am not owning your risk! For me to make it happen, I will be working seven day a week for the next year and many of the milestones on the critical path require actions from others that will be out of my control. Yep, we got a problem and it’s not me. I’ve been in the job four weeks. They needed to be working the early actions on this stand up activity three months ago to complete it by September 30, 2020. I get that her butt is on the line, but so is my mental and physical health. I will not put my holistic wellness on the line for this. Nope – not giving one f**k!

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Funny how God and Universe looks out for me. Just as I finished my third brief to directors in three days, I bumped into my former boss in the hallway. I was tired and you could see it. He asked me how I was making out. I told him the truth. His exact words were, “Linda, you don’t have to do that. I care about your health and this isn’t going to be good for you. You should not own that pressure. Give it some thought and reach out to me if you want explore options to come back. Come home.”😢

I was supposed to be off on Friday but ended up working three hours. After having a really open conversation with one of my current managers, she said she understood this is not what I signed out for and then she added, “Linda, I don’t think I am going to be able to offer you any protection from “her” on this. I’m not sure what’s going on. Think about that over the weekend and we will talk again on Tuesday.”  She was trying to tell me something without officially telling me it.  After spending an hour crying because I was so f**king stressed out and overwhelmed, I reached out to my former boss and told him I was ready to explore options to “come home”. He is going to put something together for me to consider. It was the first moment I felt like I could catch my breath in ten days.

The interesting thing about this is… I think my gut instinct has been telling me to get out of this for weeks. I talked with my Mom and my sister and both reminded me that my IBS flare up didn’t start until week I accepted the new job. They invited me to a meeting the day after I signed the paperwork and that’s when I got my first glance that there could be a problem with the schedule. Guess what, after I sent my former boss that text message on Friday morning, it’s weird, but I am no longer nauseous and the diarrhea stopped. My gut was sounding the red alert and I just thought it was an IBS flare up😜 So, you know what that means, I am out. One way or another, I am out and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK… Not one!  The sad thing is… this could have been my dream job. There is so much I love about this job but not under these circumstances. I can’t do it. I have some gut health issues and I see a specialist at Jeff in Philly every two months because I am high risk for stomach cancer. That’s my reality…That’s my priority…Living a whole year stressed out, would not be good for me.  I know this happened for some reason, I am just not sure what it is yet 🤣

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I will honor my obligation, be professional and work to best of abilities as long as I am in this role. However, it’s time to let go because it is no longer serving my highest good. Maturity happens when you reach a point of knowing a money, a promotion or a fancy title, isn’t worth your being stressed out and physically unhealthy. That’s when you know you woke the f**k up.

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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday – This week was lit

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OMG! This week has been lit 🤣Holy Smokes! Let’s see…Where should I start…

I am starting to feel better. My tummy is finally settling down but that has been with the help of my favorite Functional Nutritionist who helped me figure out how to reset it. It’s now healing.   In my appointment with my nutritionist, he reviewed my blood work and showed me where I had subtle deficiencies but were clinical insignificant so the doctor and have been untreated. He also explained what was happening in my gut from clinical perspective.  He reviewed three days of my food log to help identify trigger foods. He reviewed all of my medications and supplements to see if one of them could cause problems. He gave me a plan to follow, as best I can, for the next three weeks to reset the gut. At the end of the day, it’s about eating what I can digest.

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Here are some of the recommendations he made:

✳️In 32 ounces of water – add 1 teaspoon of Glutamine Powder (Amino Acid) along with one Okra sliced in half. Let it sit over night. He told me to make two of these each night and drink both the next day. The Amino Acid and Okra will soothe and heal the gut naturally. It’s working 😄

✳️Limit Diary temporarily and I am already Gluten Free

✳️Eat more refined foods – just for three weeks so I don’t have to work so hard to digest. Who knew baked chicken is hard to digest???

✳️He gave a list of foods that easy to digest and he told me if I cheat, to take a digestive enzyme. For example, the easiest to digest beans are Cannelini and Kidney but must be cooked. Hummus is ok but no raw beans like Chick Peas

✳️I’m already taking 5K Vitamin D. I will continue that. But I am also slightly deficient in Vitamin B-12 and Folate. So, I am now using sublingual supplement with each in it to bring the levels up. I asked why do I keep getting deficient. He explained metabolic stress and having a stomach that burns too hot means I can’t absorb them properly.

✳️I already take 200 Magnesium Glyclinate each night

✳️He gave me Turmeric w/o black pepper for pain – No CBD yet but I am still hoping for legalized 420 in my state🙏 My life goal =  “a toker, a smoker, a midnight joker” Well, not really but it’s good for pain relief and anxiety. I don’t plan to be a burn out ✌️

✳️And a new bio-identical multi-vitamin

✳️So, this what I am doing for the next three weeks. If you are interested in an appointment with Steven Chang, you can find him at Essential Elements NJ He’s in Northfield, NJ but does phone consultations.

Now, let’s talk about work…HOLY FUCKING SMOKES! It was lit this week!come-thru-its-lit-meme
So, I stepped into a new program two weeks ago and found it was totally fucked up. My first briefing I talked truth to power and said what I had to say. I let folks know I was not sticking around if it wasn’t fix…SOOO, my senior leader blew it up in a “Come to Jesus Meeting”🔥 She told them straight up when she walked in to buckle up because it was going to be unpleasant 🤣 I can’t even tell you how much I respect her for her balls. She blew it up! I mean she light a match and set her leadership team on fire🔥I knew something happened Thursday afternoon when the frantic chaos started. Well, I’ve been getting a lot of attention since ☺️🤣✌️ Hey, gotta do what you gotta do. I am not even a little bit sorry that I kept things real in that meeting.  I will sooner go back to old job and take a demotion before I will be responsible for stepping into a mess that is already two months behind schedule yet was being managed by an Exec 👊I just got here two weeks ago. in additional to all hands on deck I also got an Executive Coach to help me transition to this new level of popularity 🤣 I hit the pillow like a ton of bricks on Friday night but I was woken up around midnight by a deliciously “felt like real life” sex dream with Blue Love laying back and enjoying a good ride with me🔥🥰
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So, it’s Saturday and I’ve already worked on a briefing for Monday and had a telcon. I will be doing a pre-brief tomorrow followed by re-briefing directors Monday. My GM will brief the Senior Leader on Wednesday. They decided to keep me out of that hot seat because the mess isn’t my fault but I’ve been working all week to fix it.  I am starting my briefing on Monday morning by saying, “Let me share my vision for the program…Imagine if we could give school districts money to implement education curriculum in aviation, to become pilots, engineers, aerospace engineers and aircraft mechanics in high schools? Imagine the reach we would have into the younger generation. Now, let me explain how we are going to get there with your commitment and support…”. My GM has been coaching me through this whole process. I just LOVE her and I love how honest and direct we speak to each other while respecting our rules of engagement.  Here are a few rules of engagement for the workplace just in case you need them.

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To implement some self care this weekend, I dropped off a call at 7:45am so I could walk up to Brittany’s Cafe(my local coffee/breakfast shop) to have breakfast with my 74 year neighbor/buddy. I abruptly had to stand up and say, “Well, I gotta go because I have an emergency brewing and I am not sure I trust the plumbing here”. He busted out laughing and said, “Defcom 3 or 4?” 🤣 So, you can see my belly hasn’t completely settled down yet. I am going a pool party at my former roommate’s house this afternoon and most likely will working Sunday morning to do a pre-brief (practice walk through) with my GM for Monday. It’s all good. After Wednesday this should settle down and I am thankful they recognized I was right after they did their own fact finding and corroborated my assessment.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Show Me Who You Are ~ Blue Love Poetry

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Show Me Who You Are – Blue Love Poetry
I want to
Know the man
Not the persona
From our past
I want to sit with
Your pain
I want to swim
In your happiness
I want to know
The man
Without the illusions
You will know me
Stripped down
Read me
As an open book
Savor my words
Linger in my depth
Slowly
Turn the page
In your life
To my loving face
So our eyes
Meet once again
I want to know
Behind the voice
I so love
And know
The man you’ve
Become since
Letting go
Of who you used to be
I want to
Know the man
As you are today
Unshaven
Unshowered
In raw sexuality
Come rest
Where you belong
Against my body
In the comfort
And acceptance
Of my legs
Open wide
To welcome
You home
To our connection
Where your
Heart is
I want to
Know the man
You’ve become
In the light
Of the summer sun
Show me
Who you are now
And I will
Let you in
My world
Show me
The man behind
Beautiful blue eyes
That captured
My heart and spun
Around my soul
Come show me
The man you
Are today
(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE This love poem for Blue Love. I wrote it during lunch while I sat outside in the sun for a few minutes soaking in some natural vitamin D; I am supposed to be taking 5000 of vitamin D each day and getting natural sun to help bring my blood levels up.

This is the third week of my new job. Wow! it’s a brain breaker🤣 Plus I am still not feeling great. My tummy is improving; I am just exhausted with muscle and joint pain. This is how these flare-ups go. It also could be that my Vitamin D level is still in the toilet.  If the flares go on for too long, I start getting the autoimmune response. I have an appointment with a clinical nutritionist tomorrow after work. I am looking into using CBD oil for pain since I can’t take a freaking Advil. Let me tell ya, if I was retired, I would be lighting ’em up – smoking pot – for sure! While I am not drug tested in my job, pot is still illegal in my state. Can’t wait until it’s legal or I retire. It also makes me horny – so if Blue Love wants to stop by… 😍 🤣

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday ~ Wisdom from my Gut

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the notion that everything I am going through is preparing me for what I want…If you read my last post, you know I am in the middle of chronic IBS/Gastritis flare-up and started a new high-profile job at the same time. The flare started about 10 days before I started the new job and before I knew how crazy the new job would be.

I had a CT Scan yesterday to check my Abdomen and they also did a scan on my Aorta because my father, who died at 41 years old, had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm(AAA). I do not believe I have an AAA. My GP felt I was going to be there anyway, we may as well check for it now since I do have a family history. My sister is having her Aortic scan next week. My brother has a pacemaker so he’s already had the scan and my other sister had a blood clot so she’s already had the scan too.  I believe this IBS flare started because stress and poor food choices but I haven’t had the space to really do good self care for it because I started the new job and it is CRAZY. So, this weekend I am giving my body a full complete STOP🛑I may go grocery shopping and may stop in Boscov’s for new slippers but that’s probably about it.

So, let me talk about the new job. Driving the Karma Bus would truly be my dream job🤣Shit, being the person who delivers Karma to negative forces would totally be the best job ever✊🤣
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But, I need to work in real life and in real life, this could truly be my dream job. Setting up a fully funded grant program is a career I never thought I would ever find with my current company. I am fortunate the Universe put me in the position to take advantage of the opportunity. Here’s where I am getting heartburn. I found out this week from our Gov Affairs office that my ENTIRE leadership team knew this was coming for over ten months but they debated and discussed it for so long they put us behind the eight ball.  I actually think the divisions were playing a game of HOT POTATO – no one wanted it🤣 Ten months ago I was in a temporary assignment working on a grant program for them. I could have been building this for months. Instead, I didn’t start working on it until August 5th with my first HUGE deliverable in October. The problem is Gov Affairs, Legal and my Leadership still do not agree on the interpretation of the language that I am working to execute. My frustration is I feel they should have had those conversation before I even came on board  – come on, they were kicking this can for months before I got here. It’s fucked up…#truthtopower

I was called to a meeting on Thursday and that’s when my dam broke. Something happened in the meeting and I starting talking REALITY to them. “Sorry but your milestone chart and timeline are aggressive and perhaps unrealistic given you just pulled me over ten days ago and October is only six weeks away.” There was dead silence in the room and on the phone when I said it – seriously – dead silence 🤣I didn’t even care – not even a little. It was the truth! I was completely honest about how I feel about the whole situation. Lol:-)  The old Linda would have never done that. I would have been too afraid to say how this was affecting me. Something changed in me in recently. I am now strong enough to enforce my boundaries and respectfully speak my truth, whatever that may be. I took my power back. I also started seeing how the situation was putting unjust pressure on me when the pressure should have belong above me. They’ve known for months this was coming; they could have pulled me over sooner. The situation is starting to affect my holistic wellness. That’s when I knew I had to say what I had to speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may.

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The reality is…if this promotion doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I realized that I am not attached to this assignment. If I get demoted back to my previous level, it’s ok because no promotion is worth my holistic wellness. There’s freedom in non-attachment. The good news is I expressed myself truthfully and they heard me. They are already working to give me help and support. Actually I got 10 emails yesterday with research and support from Execs! The director who works locally reached out to me to offer support. I spoke to her Thursday night. I really respect her and have a great relationship with her. I can talk to her openly. She said, “Linda, this is a huge task. It’s BIG! Believe me, I understand. You need help. I have someone who can help you!”

Do not get me wrong. If we get through this rough start and get through the first milestone, this could be my actual dream job – that’s if I have to work for a living – independently wealthy is the ultimate life goal🤣 But it’s been a really rough start and it’s been more difficult because I am not physically 100%.

Often on weekends, I go to a cafe up the street from my apartment for breakfast. I sit next to my 74 year old neighbor and eat at the counter. I was telling him about job and stomach issue and he said, “There’s something Biblical about that. Overcoming adversity, learning your strength. Speaking your truth even though it could cost you! Take some time think about that and think about what that is teaching you about yourself!” Then he asked the question that really hit me. He asked, “If you were feeling 100%(you’re normal self), would you have agreed to the aggressive schedule even though you would have known it was not really achievable just because you were just promoted? Would you have pushed to make it happen and prove something to them and yourself?” UGH…If you know me, you know the answer to this question would have been, YES that’s what I do…After thinking about it — maybe not feeling well at the same time I started this job slowed me down and forced me to look at things and myself differently.  My current gut flare-up feels like my gut is telling me something.  It has also been a reminder to slow down and take care of myself first and to speak my truth.  That’s why I like talking to my 74 year old friend. He’s deep!  He makes me think about deep shit.
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Maybe this rough start and how I am handing it with leadership is showing them who I am and my ability to speak truth to power. Maybe they are seeing I have managerial courage. Perhaps they are learning that I won’t lie to them and I am wiling to take a hit in order to live in truth. This is still an awesome opportunity and perhaps now that we have been level set, things will proceed differently.  I want this to work out. I want it to be successful.  I will give them my best effort. I am, however, not willing to jeopardize my self care to make it happen…That’s the bottom line. My holistic wellness comes first. That’s some powerful self awareness right there.  My Spirit Guides would be proud I finally learned the lesson🤣  Yes, what I’ve done in work this week has been good self care and perhaps I will be an example to others. Now, let’s hope my gut gets the memo that I learned the lesson and starts to calm down.

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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE ICYMI – My last post was a Blue Love Letter. Scroll down to read it 💙

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

WTF, Seriously WTF…

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Today was the day! Today was the day I was about to scream, cry, shout and totally just let the dam break. Two things happened in my life at the same time and it’s not good. #WTF

I am having some pretty uncomfortable stomach issues. I’ve had chronic bloating in my abdomen, nausea, pain in the upper left, alternating constipation and diarrhea which also leads to dehydration. It’s wearing me out – I mean wearing me the fuck out. I’ve been thinking it’s a flare up of a chronic Gastritis and IBS which I’ve had a long time. It flares up on occasion. Normally, I can get it under control in a week or so. This has been going on for three weeks. I am doing everything I was told and everything I know how to do. I am taking the right meds, I am eating the right foods, I am getting lite exercise. I am deep breathing. I am sleeping. I am doing it all. It’s just not getting better and may even be getting worse. It’s really start to stress me out.

I went to my doc again this week and she told me it’s time for a CT Scan. I am off from work tomorrow so I am having it tomorrow at noon. She then told me she wrote the script to not only look at my tummy but also look at my whole chest with blood vessels as well as check for an Aortic Aneurysm because my father had one. I am not really freaked out about the Aneurysm thing. I do not think I have one. I had an echo cardiogram three years ago for it and I didn’t have one then. What I am freaked about is that I am just not getting any better and I am tired – beyond tired. I am inclined to believe it is gastritis because it hurts more when my tummy is empty. Gastritis can take six to eight weeks to resolve. Hopefully, I get an answer with the test and see improvement in the coming few days.

What’s even more stressful is that I started a new job last week in the middle of this flare-up. It’s my dream job; setting up a new fully funded grant program. But, it’s very very messy in the beginning and it’s on a timeline from congress. So, it’s high pressure. Imagine how I feel trying to do my best work feeling like I need to throw up most of the day. Imagine how it feels to worry while I am in meetings that I can’t focus because I am in pain, nauseous or uncomfortable but can’t tell anyone.I’ve been on the edge of tears some days.

So today I get an invitation at 12:00pm inviting me to brief our senior leader and three other Execs at 2:30pm this afternoon. WTF? Seriously, WTF? 🤣 They wanted just a quick status on where I am on the plan. They gave me two hours notice… I started 10 days ago. I am still meeting with legal, congressional aides, SMEs. I don’t even have support staff yet. WTF? Seriously, WTF? Well, I managed to pull something together. Honestly, I just let it fly. Said what I had to say…All I can say is the whole thing actually worked out pretty good because they clarified a few things, narrowed my scope a bit and gave me some latitude on the interpretation on language which will narrow my target audience. They said they will defend the choice because it made sense. I also told them not to hire anyone for me NEXT WEEK. Why would I want to bring someone I have to train and direct in while I am on a tight deadline. Instead I asked them to loan me two SMEs until the end of October who can help research and pull together a solicitation. Once I have the plan done, I’ll know what kind of support staff we need going forward. They liked that and I already got an email from someone saying they are all mine for the next two months. So the impromptu briefing actually worked out to my benefit.

All I can say is… Please let my stomach start calming down🙏 Please let there be no Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm🙏 Please let me start feeling better🙏 Please let me get the big giant cubicle on the fourth floor with window view 🙏🤣I have to move up there eventually, it would be nice to have a view.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE ICYMI – My last post was a Blue Love Letter. Scroll down to read it 💙

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

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Self Care Sunday – I am Proud Of My Mexican Roots

Frida Kahlo Art

Roots by Mexican Artist, Frida Kahlo. I love Frida’s work.

I am a descendant of an Mexican Immigrant. This post is Immigration story, my heritage. I am proud of it and I don’t really give a crap if I lose readers who have aligned themselves with hate by posting this story.

Margaurita Villa Reale was my great grandmother. She was Native American Mexican with her roots starting as Castillian Spanish from Iberia in the 1800s. John Long, my great grandfather, was Irish and a career Army Texas Ranger. John grew up Louisiana but was stationed in San Antonio, Texas on the boarder of Mexico. Marguarita and John married. When they married, they changed Marguarita’s name so she sounded American instead of Mexican. She is known as Maggie on all the Census records. My grandfather, their first child, was born in San Antonio. My grandfather’s name was Napolean, known as Nap by friends. John was later transferred to an Army base in Georgia; he and Margaurita had six more children after my grandfather.

Navy photos

My grandfather, in the middle, with his Navy buddies.

Nap ran away and tried to join the Army when he was 13 years old. His mother had to go pick him up. Nap later ran away again when he was 16 years old and joined the Navy. They kept him. Nap traveled the world on ships. I have posts and photos from his journey preserved in a photo album. Nap was stationed at the Philadelphia Navy Yard in the 1920s where he met my Grandmother, Anna, at the USO. They married and Anna moved with him to Norfolk, VA where my Father was born.

post card from Navy in 1920

Nap retired from the Navy with 30 years of service. He and Anna moved back to Philadelphia with their five children to be near Anna’s family. Nap’s second career was as a prison guard at Eastern State Penitentiary in the Fairmount Section of Philadelphia. Eastern State has been closed for years. It’s a museum and historic site now. Most famous for housing Al Capone. Since my family is considered Alumni at ESP, we were given a private tour a few years ago. It totally creeped all of us out. It’s tourist destination and during Halloween they do a hell of a haunted house in the prison. If you never been there, check it out if you are in Philly.

Nap passed away suddenly in his early 50s with a massive heart attack. My father died suddenly with a massive heart attack 20 years later when he was 41 years old. The first photo is an older Nap and the second photo is my dad when he was in early 20s.

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Margaurita and Nap had seven children. I do not know anyone from the extended family. However, my grandfather, their eldest child, had five children with 17 grandchildren and one son who died in the battle for Normandy Beach in France during WWII. My Aunt told me my grandfather wasn’t the same man after his son died in battle.

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I am the youngest of five children and the only one with dark features. My Aunt always told me I favored Margaurita. I am proud of that. Look at this photo, while not the best quality, I am sure you can see a little hispanic/latina in me. I am proud of my heritage ✊

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Yes, the current climate in the United States towards hispanic and latinos hurts my heart because of my heritage – distant but still in my roots. In the United States, we are all immigrants. We all have roots in other nations. Why are Western European White immigrants better than those from brown countries. It’s breaks my heart. While I don’t believe in open borders and do not Condon illegal immigration, I also do not support the hate speech rhetoric and policies of the GOP.

On another self care topic, I heard friends (Barbara & Ray) who moved to Florida were going to be at the Laguna Beach Bar in Brigantine this afternoon. My tummy hasn’t been feeling great lately but it does seem to be settling down so I went over to Laguna and surprised them 😄It was fun. I sat outside with them for a few hours and listened to music and drinking a Ginger Ale.  Here why it was so special.  Barbara and were extremely close friends.  We were Thelma and Louise for long time. Believe me, we got into A LOT of mischief together – usually with alcohol 🤣 We had falling out a few years back. Our lives were just going different directions. Barb and her husband moved to Florida two years ago.  Barbara and I never got a chance to reconnect before they left.  I work with a mutual friend who told me earlier this week they were home and would be at Laguna this afternoon if I wanted to see her.  I decided it was time to put the past behind us.  I drove over around 2pm and surprised them.  Well, it was a wonderful reunion. Barb and I could not stop hugging each other. We decided to just move on and not even talk about what happened in the past. We decided to leave the past in the past and just start a new phase of our relationship.  I cried at least once.  She was hugging me so tight while telling everyone “My Linda Love Me Long Time” is back in my life 🤣💙 It was a great afternoon 🥰 By the way, I haven’t been in Brigantine in a long time. I like it over them.  I could see myself living in a little house over there with a rescued pitbull 😉

Please help me shift the energy in our Nation from hate to love but joining me in the Loving Kindness prayer for all beings to end this hate speech and violence that has taken over the nation. If you feel you need to stop reading this blog because you disagree with me, go in peace ✌️I understand.

Metta Prayer
(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE ICYMI – My last post was a Blue Love Letter. Scroll down to read it 💙

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Blue Love Letter

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Dear Beloved:
I never wanted to love you. I never planned to love you. Love wasn’t what I had on my mind. I wanted fuck you. It was a sexual attraction. It was a physical attraction but something happened along the way. I fell down into the rabbit hole of your beautiful blue eyes. I have been stuck here ever since. Much like Alice when she fell into Wonderland, I find myself seeing thing differently. Feeling things I never wanted to feel for a man again. Unlike Alice, I’ve cursed my way through this by routinely asking myself “What the fuck? How? When? Why?” Those questions are rhetorical, of course.

We drift through this beautiful life; moving through one phase to another. We come together. We move apart. Now we are in a separation phase of our journey. We are separate but still connected. We are separate but both growing, learning about ourselves, healing, reenergizing and reconnecting to our authentic selves. I have faith our separation is for a greater purpose. It will ultimately be for our highest good.

As I call you to mind and feel my heart swell with love and affection for you, I want you to know I love you. Nothing has changed for me in our separation. I still love you. I still desire you. I am still stuck in the wonderland of your blue eyes. I am, however, aware this is a time of great change for you. It’s your time to rest. It’s your time to reconnect with family and friends. It’s your time to listen to what is in your heart. Follow where your intuition leads you. See what you need to see. Feel what you need to feel. This is your time to choose the life you want after so many years of living up to expectations. This is your time to finally find what is authentic and true for you.

Take comfort. I am still here holding love in my heart for you but I also know you need this time, you need this space from us for a while. So, if you don’t hear from me, please know I am not remaining distant because I don’t love you. It’s actually quiet the opposite. I am remaining distant to give you the room to choose the life you want without any outside noise or influence from me. I have no expectations of you.

You see my beloved, I grew up. I learned what real grown up unconditional love really is. I learned love is not attachment. Love is not needy. Love is not conditional. Love has no expectations. Love, truly loving you, means I want you to be happy, with or without me. I am here if/when you are ready connect. I am hoping to hear from you and see your beautiful eyes again. I welcome a reunion with you.  But I finally love myself enough that I will be thankful for the role you played in my life even if our separation remains permanent. I will love you for the impact and influence you have had on my life. I will love you for reigniting passion in body. My love for you is big enough, deep enough and wide enough to give you space to find your life even if it ends up not being with me.

Beloved, please know you are love and missed.  We are separate but still connected in our hearts.
(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE This love letter for Blue Love was pushing at the edges of my heart all damn day. I couldn’t wait to get home and write it out of me💙💙

This is the third day of my new job. Wow! It’s gonna be a whirlwind. It involves interacting with congressional liaisons, working with the highest levels of management and, I found out today may even include establishing a not for profit company. Holy crap! My dream came true ✨ It scares the crap out of me 🤣I’ve been pretty stressed out all week. I am not good with change. My belly is freaking out; my nerves are raw. I will be glad to get my first week over✌️

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

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Self Care Sunday ~ Fresh Start

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I have a fresh start on Monday. I start a new job. I finally close the door on one chapter of my life and move on to the next. While I’ve enjoyed my time working on my current team, it is beyond time for me to move on.

The new job has possibilities. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. Yes, it is a promotion. More than the money, I am excited about the possibilities of where it could take me and the growth opportunities it will offer me. It’s a fresh start.  Am I nervous? Heck yes. Anything new can be scary. It’s definitely going to stretch me and require a different version of Linda than I’ve been in recent months. I am good with that.

I am in an active flare-up of some chronic tummy issues. Most of the bloating and gas have passed and right now I am having some trouble getting the acid reflux symptoms to calm down. It’s going to take a few more days. It’s a flare. Flares come and then fade away. This one will fade away. But it has been a good reminder for me as I go into this new job that self care comes first; I must create and enforce proper boundaries for self care. Let the chips fall where they may. I am not really worried about continued career advancement as the next step would be management. I am not really interested in being a manager. Too much responsibility; dealing with other peoples problems all day and getting caught up in office politics really isn’t my thing. I am not interested in taking that on in my 50s. But, I do want to be the best Lead for my team that I can be. I want to practice good self care and also encourage the folks around me to do the same. This will affect positive change.

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It’s interesting. Whenever my tummy trouble flares up, I always retreat. Heck, I am introvert. I retreat most weekend but when I am sick I retreat into my bed. I withdrawal from interaction. I go within. I withdrew from my social life for a month to recharge and heal my body. It’s eight years later and I still haven’t completely reengaged 🤣

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Some of the greatest opportunities of growth I’ve experienced have come during or after a flare up of health issues. This time I spend quiet and alone gives me space to process and think through new ideas around growth and spirituality. I also know how to take care of myself when a flare hits now…Up the medicine. Lite exercise to move things along in my bowel. Restrict the diet. Look through my food diary for triggers. Pray and mediate to keep myself calm and peaceful while I ride out the worst parts of it. Focus my attention on good things like writing this blog and reading inspiration posts on Instagram. Lol 🙂 Flares are temporary. As my best friend used to say to me whenever she had a bad day during her battle with Cancer, “this too shall pass”.

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Unfortunately, I canceled dinner with friends this week because I didn’t feel well. I can’t wait to reschedule it. They normally let me pick since I have the food issues. We always end up at Steve & Cookies which is a local upscale restaurant. I also like upscale steakhouses or any place I can get Salmon. My belly likes expensive restaurants and frowns on bar food. 🙂 I also cancelled a massage this week. It’s never good to get a massage when you are already sick. Massages can trigger a detox. I didn’t need to add any more population or toxic waste into my body 🙂

Today is Sunday. I woke up to a second mass shooting in less than 24 hours. Putting politics aside, I offer the Metta Prayer to all beings in the Universe. I hope the dark psychic force that has taken hold in the United States is over powered by love and peace.

Metta Prayer

ICYMI – I’ve been posting every day this week since I haven’t been working; scroll down to see all of my posts from this week. I am not sure I will have time to write the next few days so have a safe Sunday and great week.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved