Coming Out Of Hiding

It happened yesterday afternoon. The moment that I finally admitted the truth that I’ve been denying for months. The truth is – my truth is – I am in the middle of depression. I finally let someone see me…

It actually happened at work by accident but the after-affects have been vibrating through me since. Here’ what happened… I work in large building with many employees. I don’t typically socialize with coworkers outside of work. However, a long term friend, in real life, is also a coworker. She worked on the other side of building but her cubicle was coincidentally moved across from mine recently. I am a new vegetarian and she has been a vegetarian almost her whole life. I was asking her for tips…

Then she says, “Why are you changing your diet so much again, is your stomach still not improving?” Well, the answer to that what that my stomach is still fucked up. I’m not sure what is going on but I’m having an Upper GI on Friday… She then says, “I hear you on the phone and when folks stop by, that job seems stressful! Does that bother you?” The answer to that question was “Yes, it bothers me and I told her If I would have known what I was getting into, I would not have accepted this job. I am also trying to work it out with them. It’s been stressful.” Then she says, “for me – what I think is anxiety is actually depression”. And, that’s when I teared up. We both knew when she said it – that is what happening with me. I am in a depression. I’ve been trying to act normal, work normal and pretend to be normal while I am depressed and sad.

For clarity, I’ve known I was skirting the edges of depression. I knew I was feeling conflicted in many aspects of my life. I just didn’t want to use the word. Like saying the word was admitting I was a failure. So this is me finally admitting it. It’s been manifesting itself as anxiety, likely giving me tummy troubles and making work even more stressful than it already is… Today, I am finally showing you who I really am. Today I will stop beating myself up and just let whatever needs to drop – drop. Here’s is where I let it go. I can’t keep wearing the mask anymore.
selfie

Since last weekend I’ve been thinking a lot about happier times in my life. I’ve retracing  what was happening in my life, what was I doing at that time that made me happy? One major difference is… I practiced yoga five days a week. Yoga was like my chill pill. It’s like smoking pot 🤣 I’ve gotten away from it in recent months.  Given my body has changed and I am older,  I need to approach my yoga practice differently and focus on a slower more nurturing style instead of flow or Vinyasa.  I need a slower soothing practice, I engaged my inner yogi by starting a 21 day yoga challenge on Sunday. I am only practicing 30 minutes a day. I am using YouTube videos instead of putting pressure on myself to go to a studio and I am only doing Yin Yoga. Yin is slower, meditative and you hold poses for longer while doing a breathe meditation. Yin will be more nurturing to me at this time it’s also excellent for stress for anxiety. I just finished tonight’s practice. I used this video tonight and I really like this instructor:

The other change I am making is that once in a while I am going to let myself have that one glass of really expensive red wine with dinner. My stomach isn’t any better without it. Abstaining hasn’t helped my tummy and I do miss sitting and talking to a friend over a glass of wine.  If I am going to suffer anyway, I may was well enjoy a glass of goddamn wine when I am not driving🤣🍷

I got my income tax refund and it’s going towards a retreat in march.  I am definitely booking three nights at The Lodge at Woodloch in the Pocono Mountains. I am also going to do the technology detox while I am there. If anything happens in my family, they will need to call the Hotel Receptionist because I am locking my cell phone up for four days.  I waiting until after I have the Upper GI on Friday to book the trip but it will most likely be mid to late march.

And as far as my crazy job goes … Well, I have risk adverse managers. I am, however, a risk taker. I made a few phone calls today that technically could get me in trouble.. but if it works out, it will be worth it and I may have found a solution to one of our biggest challenges and risks. I will know for sure tomorrow.  So, here’s what I say to that…
namaste Yoga meme

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Escaping the Matrix

pina colada

If you like Pina Coladas. And getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga. If you have had a brain. If you like making love at midnight. In the dunes on the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape.

If I could escape the matrix(reality), I mean really escape –  I would quit my job. I would move somewhere in the mountains, maybe somewhere in the Berkshires, to breathe clean mountain air. I would work at a coffee shop or cafe while also  building my Holistic Health Practitioner business. I would offer Reiki and help folks navigate alternative solutions to Big Pharma meds. I would live simply. Doing something earthy and be grounded. I would eat cleanly and move my body in fresh clean air. I would leave everything in my current real life behind. Seriously, leave it all behind…

Yep, I would escape to the mountains because I need hills and trees. It’s too flat here at the beach… And, I would not want to escape to Key West. I’m not a burn-out, alcoholic  or boater. Maybe I am generalizing too much but I think you have to be one of those to enjoy the Key West lifestyle. Also, Florida is “red hat” country and I would end up in a fist fight 😂 If I am leaving the matrix, I am going into the mountains.

matrix meme

It’s not the first time I thought of escaping to the mountains. I was actually going to do it a few years ago, around 2012, when I got sick and was looking to simplify my life…time passed life carried on… I moved on and I ended up where I am. Where I am isn’t bad place, it just isn’t in alignment with who I am deep down inside. But honestly… I’ve always kept my escape plan in the back of mind and it’s the reason why I am still renting a condo instead of buying. I am still fantasizing that one day my golden handcuffs will be Blue Love tying to me to the bed instead of job😈

My simple truth is…I don’t need much to be happy. I never have. I got caught up in my flow of making money, career advancement and accumulating stuff. The truth is… none of this is truly aligned to who I am when I take my mask off everyday…that’s at the heart of my discontentment.

So what’s holding me back from breaking free and making the move?

First, my mother. My Mom is 80 years. She lives in Philly and I enjoy playing an active role in her life. Four hours away from her is too far for me to see her on a regular basis. As far as the rest of my family – a little distance would be just fine 😂

Second, can I really walk away from a job where I make decent living and live in a beachfront condo to making coffee while building my own business? It’s scary…I don’t know I am ready yet but I am at least starting to formulate a plan and opening my mind to living on less.

The third reason I am hesitating is Blue Love. By making this choice I would be putting physical distance between us. We will always be connected in our hearts and souls but this would put a lot of space between us. I’m not sure I can do that…unless…perhaps Blue Love is also fantasizing about escaping the matrix.  I doubt that he wants to leave the matrix considering he has a new fancy job but indulge me while I break out into song for Blue Love🤣✌️💙🥰

If he likes coffee alotta
And getting caught in the rain
If he’s willing to try yoga
I just love his beautiful brain
If he wants to make love at midnight
Under the stars with videotape
I will be his lover forever
Let’s start planning our escape

Maybe this post is just me indulging a fantasy and finally giving it air. Maybe it’s a prediction of what will happen in the future or maybe it’s me finally taking the mask off and showing you all who I really am. This has been at the heart of my internal conflict for a long time…I am much simpler and need less than the life I am currently living…but I am not quite ready to let go…

Here’s this week’s work update, I’ve was successful in getting my title changed to “Program Lead” instead of “Program Manager” this week👍This is good for me✌️First, “lead” was the position I thought I was accepting when I took the job back in August.   I never thought I would be the “Program Manager” because that is a role usually held by someone who is officially in management. Somehow everyone started looking at me like the “Program Manager” and calling me it.  It’s been causing a lot of confusion with internal and external stakeholders about my level of authority, accountability and responsibility. Which means it is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m not an official manager, and at this time, I don’t want to be.

This job has taken over my whole life…I want my life back.   I need space in my life to find happiness. I’ve been working with leadership to establish structure around me and also restructure my position and workload.   Instead of me traveling in February, three of them are coming to my location for a few days to help “fix” things locally.  There’s only so much you can do over the phone… I don’t have to travel again until March… At least that is the current plan but it seems to change daily…so who knows at this point 🤣

A coworker made a comment about how much “fun” my job must be. If you call going to legal about ethics stuff in your first 60 days on a new job, blowing up a schedule by a year in your first 90 days and having leaders doubt and question me for the first three months fun, then I guess it might be fun🤣 I will share that everything I told leadership has been proven to be 💯 right ✌️The actual the schedule slippage that was caused by leadership’s missteps before I got here last summer is 15 months not a year.  That’s right — the regulatory actions leadership missed that I uncovered in my first six weeks broke their schedule by 15 months.  OUCH!  The good thing is now they believe me and trust me.  They also know it was not my fault. They see me as the person who got them moving in the right direction – as painful as it was for me🤣Someone told me I “saved their bacon!” 🤣 You may call this fun but I still call the whole thing fucked up!

So, the word “fun” triggered me though. I don’t remember when I last had fun…In any area of my life…That’s kind of what my problem is….I need to find my way back to authentic Linda. Because the Linda I’ve been on the last six to nine months hasn’t been fun or enjoyed herself in any way…And I’m not just talking about work…I have to find a way to get back to fun and reclaiming my life and my personal power. That’s why I want to go on a retreat.

A retreat is different from a trip. A retreat is different from a vacation. I don’t want to sit by the pool and sip cocktails. I don’t to explore new landmarks.  I want to remove myself from real life, quiet the noise down from outside influences,  sit with myself, feel the good, bad and ugly within myself and excavate a path to happiness from within.  I am currently looking for the most supportive place to do that kind of work – I, of course, keep returning to www.kripalu.org.  I just hate driving five hours each way to go there so I am doing some research.  I think I may be willing to splurge this time around and really break my matrix 🤣Who knows, maybe I’ll go to Sedona, AZ for a retreat. I will most likely be going to an upscale retreat in the Pocono Mountains which drivable,  https://www.thelodgeatwoodloch.com/hawley-packages/wellness-reboot/. But there is a swanky one near Pittsburgh but that is also a long drive, https://www.nemacolin.com/  Stay tuned to learn where I end up going…

retreat

And a political rant….

If all you Democrats & Independents don’t turn out to vote on November 3rd in record numbers and we get 4 more years of The Trump Cult, I may escape to Canada 🇨🇦 If you aren’t worried about our country slipping into an Authoritative/Dictatorship, you aren’t paying close enough attention to Trump & the GOPs actions… Stay woke ✌️

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trumps-acquittal-proves-the-gop-senate-acts-like-a-cult_n_5e3dcf51c5b6f1f57f10f626

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Discontentment

Did you ever want to throw a grenade into your life, like burn the whole thing down, and then rebuild? That’s how I’ve been feeling in recent months. I haven’t shared much about it because it’s heavy and complicated.

For those just tuning into my blog, I’m 52 years old. I have a decent full time job and I am also a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner (AADP). I have chronic health issues that require medical care so I won’t be doing anything reckless like quitting my job…but the discontentment is the elephant in every room of my holistic being. I just can’t figure out why I feel this way…

The last time I felt this type discontentment was in Spring of 2016, I went on Kundalini Yoga worshop retreat at Kripalu in the Berkshires. After that spiritual retreat, I started praying and meditation daily and by Spring 2017 I enrolled in the Institute of Integrative Nutrition to pursue my passion of holistic wellness. I graduated in May 2018 and started Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC. I’m currently not taking clients because my real full time job is eating my lunch everyday leaving me too drained to work my personal business. I also switched my full time job in recent months…

So, how did I get here? Why am I so discontented? I live on the beach and have a decent job…but why do I still want to blow up my life and start over? Don’t worry…as I said I am not reckless…well, not anymore anyway😂Ten years ago I would have lite the match and burned it all down🔥 Since I am 52 with no desire to be a destitute Senior, I’ll be cautious with how I proceed.

Since I can’t figure this out and it’s been going on too long…I think it’s time for me to go on another retreat…I’m booking the Kundalini Yoga program at Kripalu in March. In the meantime, I will try to give myself some space to live and find happiness in this uncertainty.

Thank you to www.oliviasubmits.blog for commenting on my last Self Care Sunday post and sharing the quote at the top of this post. It has been a point of reflection for me this week as I try to find peace in the space between my unhappiness and discontentment.

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Exhaustion

exhaustion
It’s Saturday morning. I am drinking coffee, watching AMJOY on @MSNBC and feeling totally exhausted. I find myself mentally and physically exhausted. I am mentally tired because of my damn job. 😂 I am physically tired because I had a busy week. I was in the office for 10 hour days Monday through Wednesday. I was in DC on Thursday and I drove up to Philly early on Friday to spend the day with my Mom. Friday was a nice day but I drove a lot. Today is Saturday and I have absolutely no desire to go anywhere. I especially do not feel like driving.

I am emotionally exhausted today because I care about our Nation and what is happening in our Nation upsets me. I believe POTUS should be penalized for abusing his power but let me be clear — I would feel this way about any elected official whether Republican or Democrat who abused their office or power. Unchecked power is dangerous and is a slippery slope. What will he do next now that he knows he can do whatever he wants? This isn’t a Red or Blue issue for me. It’s a Right or Wrong issue for me. Do you really want a leader with unchecked power? I DO NOT – period! It worries me…

power

I don’t know what the future holds but I am not sure I would even want to be an official “manager”. While I have the knowledge, skills and abilities to work at that level, I am not sure I have drive, desire or even the stamina for it. I enjoy strategic work. I enjoy outreach work. This will be better for me…Lastly, Management had an extra seat for a leadership workshop that was already paid for so they asked me if I wanted to use the extra seat. Since it’s for an “Emotional Intelligence” leadership workshop, I accepted it and I am looking forward to it. It’s on 2/27✌️

emotional intelligence

Personally, I am still trying to figure out the best time to go back to the Berkshire Mountains. It’s either going to be for a Kundalini Yoga workshop March 16-19th or later in April or May. The only reason I am debating. It’s still can be really cold and snowy in the Berkshires in March. I am really hoping to get outside in the Mountains this time and do the guided hikes so warmer weather would be better for me. Here’s another photo of the Berkshires which is one of my happy places.

Berkshires

My plan for the rest of Saturday? I am fairly certain I will not be leaving the house today. I may not even leave the sofa and quite possibly will be heading back to bed this afternoon for a long nap. Sunday is still to be determined but I know for sure I’m teleworking on Monday ✌️😊

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Happy Places


It’s taken a village to keep me sane this week ☺️ Honestly, I’m not used to asking for help or asking for support. When I do reach out, it’s because I’ve hit the limit of what I am able to handle on my own.

First, I reached out to tell my leadership that I’m at my breaking point. I straight up told them I would be looking for the exit if we didn’t find some way to lessen my burden. As a result, they invited me to few meetings so I could see what management has been up to in hopes that I see why things have been so crazy and why I need to stay with them.  To my surprise — they are actually standing up a whole new group around me; I was only the first hire.  They intend to pull other similar programs into the new group with me.  They also recognized that part of my problem is that I’ve had three Divisional Managers in five months and the temporary folks didn’t want to make any hard decisions. Lol 🙂  That’s why it’s been so crazy. They asked me to participate on the team that is planning the new group too.  It’s seems to me someone is “Empire Building”. 🤣 But, I was happy to finally know structure is coming.

I am not easily impressed by managers. They are a dime a dozen where I work.  My experience the last five months helped me to see how much I really do respect and trust the group of managers I used to work with in my former group.  With that said,  I am already impressed by my new permanent Divisional Manager; that’s saying something.  She’s been in the job for two weeks and made more decisions in the last four days than the other two did in five months.  For example, I had “creative” ideas on how I could mitigate a couple risks & tighten up the schedule. I couldn’t get any traction with the temporary actors. However, the new permanent manager gave me the go ahead to move forward and present them later this week when I am in Headquarters.  She also took one for team by getting a meeting with the senior exec to ask for support positions.  She came back with four positions – not too shabby!  👏Two of the four will support my programs because — as of 4:00pm yesterday — they confirmed I am now going to be managing THREE new programs and my budget just grew by 50%. Lol 🙂 OMG… OMFG🤣

I will try to remember to breathe… I promise ☺️Thank God I can telework one or two days per week and I only have to go to HQ every other week. I go this Thursday and then every week going forward. They said I can take the train and stay overnight if I prefer to do that instead of flying down. They said I have a budget for travel and should feel free to use it 😄That’s a relief. I may actually switch and go Wednesday to Thursday this week – that’s if I can get a room…I suppose to get through the next year I am really going to have to focus on the LONG GAME and not get caught up in the daily bullshit. Perhaps I should try to get the bullshit sucked out of my head  each day🙃

While in the middle of a full on anxiety attack Tuesday, I reached out to my “Blue Love” 💙He has a rock solid stability about him that comforts me ☺️ He must have realized I was about to totally spin out…I definitely was… ☺️ I am thankful he was a good friend to me 😘 He does have a way of diffusing my “crazy” and helps to bring my anxiety level down 😊 So when he asked me to go to my happy place for a minute, I went to three place I enjoy in my mind:
(1) Berkshire Mountains in Mass (photo at top and first photo below)
(2) Beach view from my living room window (second photo below)
(3) Blue Love’s beautiful blue eyes 😍 Yes, his dreamy blue eyes are one of my happy places 💙✌️

I want to go to  the Berkshires for a weekend this Spring. I was thinking of going in late April or early May but there is a good program at Kripalu in March I would like to attend. hmm…


my viewNext topic — I can’t make myself feel good about going on SSRI Effexor for anxiety and hot flashes. I just can’t do it. I’m trying to deal with hot flashes and anxiety naturally.  I am now using Red Maca Powder. Red Maca is good for hot flashes and is also an adaptogenic herb which can help with stress.  It has to be cycled – meaning that you take it for four days and then take two days off.  I am also eating more Avocados because they are loaded with B vitamins.  When we are under stress, our bodies tend to burn through the B Vitamins.  Adding a B-Complex or multi that has high potency B Vitamins can help. Since I’m not eating meat or fish, my doctor recommended I start taking B-12 with Folate every day. It’s a chewable. I’ve also gone back to taking the Magnesium with dinner and 1/2 a Xanax at bedtime the doctor recommended a few years ago so I don’t clench my jaw from anxiety in my sleep. So why yes to a 1/2 of a Xanax at bedtime but no to a low does of Effexor? Because I can skip Xanax when I don’t have anxiety. I can’t skip the Effexor. Guess what?  No hot flashes or night sweats this week. That may be temporary or coincidental but I’ll take it! 

How was your week? Where do you go in your mind when you need to find happiness for a minute? Where’s your happy place? How are you managing stress? How do you manage your “crazy”?

meme

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ It’s Been A Week

its-been-a-rough-week-but-i-made-it-through-12562224

My coworker who sits in the cubicle next to mine has a saying. At the end of a challenging day she says, “It’s been a day!” When I was leaving work for the weekend on Thursday evening, I said to her, “It’s been a week!” It was a challenging week for sure.

I traveled for work in a small plane on Wednesday. It was a one day trip. I don’t normally have trouble on those flights and actually the flights were ok that day. There was a little turbulence but that is normal on that plane. The problem was I wasn’t feeling great. The antibiotic I am on is really upsetting my stomach. However, I felt like I needed to talk to leadership in person so I traveled. The first flight was actually ok but the flight home was stressful. My stomach was upset all day. I started getting anxiety about getting sick on the plane. Ended up chewing on a half of Xanax on the way to plane. While my stomach never really settled down until after I got home, the anxiety went away about 10 minutes into the 45 minute flight. I’ve never been happier for a plane to land. Lol 🙂 By the time the plane landed I believe I looked something like this…🤣

hot-mess

My meeting with leadership overall went well. It was clear in the meeting my leadership wants to do whatever needs to be done to support me. It was clear they are committed to helping me in whatever way they can including resources. However, it was also clear to me many of the folks lack a basic understanding of the work. Many of the folks are new or temporary in their roles which means I am constantly bringing someone “up to speed”. It’s exhausting…The bottomline is the organization was not prepared to take on this type of program and lacks the infrastructure to provide the proper support. So now everyone is scrambling to figure things out. It sucks… The other reason I was having some anxiety that afternoon was because they dropped a bomb on me at the end of the meeting. They told me we are getting a third program which is similar to mine and they want to put it in my portfolio. I will have a portfolio of three new programs to stand up in one year without any staff but myself as of right now…. Do you see why I had anxiety that afternoon? know they want the money and shinny new high profile programs — but like, what the fuck?

I had two fires to put out on Thursday.  One was the new program.  We just don’t have enough information for me even to give a good assessment but they aren’t going to like the time it’s going to take to launch.  My boss pushed it back up to ask for more information.  All we really did was push this fire back a week probably🤣The next fire was more complicated.  I opposed a potential candidate they wanted to hire.  I knew it was coming. I was given 4-1-1 in the hallway a few months ago by someone who wanted to protect me🤣 I can’t say much more but they did understand why I opposed the selection, I had documentation.  They understood once I explained the potential conflicts it could present for the program.   I will most likely be successful in blocking the potential hire but come on…They should have known what I knew…Doesn’t anyone check references anymore?

On a positive note, I bumped into my former GM in the hallway earlier in the week. We chatted for a few minutes. It was nice to see her but she caught me at a vulnerable moment. As I was telling her everything that was going in this job, I almost cried🥺As I was saying it all out loud it became clear to me that it is really becoming too much…The gravity of that awareness makes me sad but there can also be freedom in finally accepting it.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning. I mentioned to her that not only am I in the most stressful job of my career right now but I am also having night sweat and hot flashes from Menopause. We decided to try a small dose of Effexor(SSRI) for the next 30 days. It’s recommended to help hot flashes and night sweats for women who are not candidates for hormone replacement. It’s also an anti-anxiety medication that may help me cope with job better. I have to call my doctor towards the end of the 30 days to let her know if it helps. If it does, I will stay on it at least for the next 6 to 12 months and then ween off. If it doesn’t help me, I will stop it. I will start it when I am done the antibiotic.  I am hoping the Effexor helps me.  The worst part of these dang hot flashes is that I generally like it cool.  I keep my condo around 70 degrees or under.  I often have my bedroom window cracked open at night – even in winter.  I don’t like to be hot 🔥

Lastly, committing to being a vegetarian is the easiest lifestyle change I’ve ever made. Technically, I am a lacto-ovo-vegetarian who occasionally eats fish. The main reason I will never be a Vegan is because I have long standing Vitamin D and Vitamin B-12 deficiency issues. I need to get as much nutrition through food as I can because my stomach doesn’t tolerate supplements well.  I also started ordering a few Vegetarian and Vegan dishes each week from Eat Clean Organization, a local food prep company.  I pick my order up on Mondays after work at a local Health Food Store. Their Thai Sweet Chili Cauliflower, Madras Lentils & Chana Marsala are awesome!  They make quick lunches or dinners. January is Veganuary.  Maybe give Meatless Monday a try this coming week 🙂

Below are some new items I’ve added into my diet to diversify my nutrition profile. I started eating a 1/2 of an Avocado every day.  Avocados are packed with good fats and nutrients.  It’s truly a superfood 🥑  Imagine Organic Soups are DA BOMB. They are Green and Clean products too!  I incorporated more Hemp products into my diet because Hemp is a natural source of Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Fatty Acids are good for the belly, the skin and the heart. Eating foods with Hemp in it is better than taking a Fish Oil pill for me:-) The Oatmeal tastes just like traditional Oatmeal minus the belly bloat for me.  I also included some of my snacks below.  I will share more new products in my future posts.  I’ve also started sharing photos of new recipes I’ve tried or doctored up in my twitter feed in the right sidebar 🙂

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Let It Happen

Screen Shot 2020-01-11 at 8.53.12 AM

Sometimes you just have to say it – speak it and let whatever is going to happen – happen! Let it happen. I say this because it became clear to me that the only way for me to move forward and get myself unstuck this week was to have the courage to speak and own my truth.

I write a lot about speaking the truth but speaking the truth isn’t always easy. Often it can lead to conflict, hurt feelings and change — but hanging out in limbo was wearing me out. I had to do something. I had to say something.

On Monday I sent my supervisor a note and asked if he had time to have a check-in meeting with me this week. He replied, “I’m free now but otherwise booked the rest of week.” 🤣I thought I would have time to prepare but I didn’t. It was “go time” so I took a deep breadth and called him.

At first we started talking about tasks and action items then eventually I started working towards the real topic I needed to discuss. Then I said it… I told him straight up the conflict this job presents me and amount of stress it is putting on me. I told him I enjoy the work and the challenge. I also stated that I know I am more than capable of doing this job successfully. However, the political agendas, oddball questionable requests from the folks above him put me in an uncomfortable position and it is no longer tolerable for me. WOW! YES, I SAID IT!
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It felt good to say it but I was also nauseous as I waited on his reply. After taking a pause, he not only said he understood but also said he feels the same way. That’s when he gave me the space to be completely 100% honest with him. I explained I don’t want to walk away from a job could be my legacy but I also have to look out for my long term holistic wellness. Me being stressed out over bullshit everyday isn’t good for me – period! I told him I don’t want to walk away – but I am also now prepared to do it. I can’t fight anymore! I felt the release of five months of stress as I said those words…Screen Shot 2020-01-11 at 8.58.31 AM
Well, things started shifting as a result of that conversation. My Supervisor and I worked with legal to establish an escalation path for my “sensitive” concerns. We addressed the fact that I am acting in two roles; I’m over it and we need to fix it. By Wednesday, my Divisional Manager asked me to come “downtown” this Wednesday to have meetings with them to do strategic planning so she can ensure I get proper support. She also assigned a management consultant to help me do strategic planning. I am meeting the consultant on Wednesday. The bottom line is – they heard me and have responded to my concerns. They also told me they are impressed that I was able to get the program under control in a relatively short period of time and understood the stress that must have put on me.

I don’t know how this will work out long term but for now it looks like we have a way forward and I am thankful for support. It was the right way for me to address my concerns.  I needed to give them an opportunity to fix it before walking away from a job that could be my legacy — but let me be clear… I AM OVER IT! I don’t give a F**K anymore! If it continues to stress me out and make me sick, I will be finding an exit ramp and have not one regret when I leave.   I am thankful I had the courage to say everything I had been holding back.   I said it… I let it happen.

So, I’ve haven’t been feeling a 100% and have had a sore throat for two weeks. I went to my ENT doctor Friday afternoon. I found out I have an infected ear and sinus; it is draining down and irritating my throat. The reason why this interesting is because the Throat Chakra, the area surrounding the ears and throat, is the area that balances the energies of speech and truth. So when you hold back words or speech or don’t speak your truth, you are creating an energetic imbalance which can lead to physical illness. I made myself sick by trying to hold everything in and not speaking my truth – literally made myself sick.
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Funny, as I was writing this I was reminded that I am also a Certified Reiki Master. I am actually certified to teach Reiki. I say I remind myself of it because I stopped practicing Reiki because I felt like I was absorbing too much energy and “seeing” too much stuff from clients. It was creeping me out🤣 If you are not familiar with Reiki, “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Visit www.reiki.org for more information.

Today is Saturday. Considering I just started an antibiotic, Mucinex and an additional probiotic, I am not leaving the house today. I will wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Since I have to prepare a lot of documents for my meetings “downtown” later this week, I am already scheduled to work from home on Monday which gives me another day at home to heal.

What’s your truth? Are you holding something back? Is it causing you stress? Are you ready to let it happen? Take care of yourself!  Know you are divinely supported and loved. I often call upon Archangel Michael when I need protection or assistance. I don’t say any prayer in particular. I just give him a shout and say what I need help with 🙂 Give him a shot…

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(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Truth & Choices

D7D50E3C-7EF8-4167-86D5-FC82C496DC67_1_201_aAs my two-week break from work comes to an end, I’m preparing myself to return to work on Monday.  One thing is for sure. I could get used to not working 🤣I balanced myself between rest and activity through the two weeks. I took one two-day trip to Philly for Christmas and then stayed close to home for the rest to time.  Yep, I am going to enjoy retirement 🤣Unfortunately, I am not eligible for eight more years… so I go back to work on Monday at 6:30am.

I was hoping being off from work for two weeks would help me gain clarity regarding my conflicting feelings in my current job.  I can’t say that it has given me a definitive answer.  All I know is I still feel uneasy and my intuition is on alert.  My biggest problem with the job is there is a political under-tone in the job. Folks are lobbying to use the work I am doing to their political advantage and in direct conflict to my beliefs.  Also, they’ve been cautiously lobbying me by broaching the subject of their preferences.   I am fighting to ensure decisions are made on the merit of the projects and the reach they could have in the industry.  However, at the end of the day, once I send the packages to our “parent company”, it will be out of my hands.  Also, the “Selection Official” often makes choices that benefit her husband and her home state. Again, in complete conflict with my beliefs…I can’t square myself with that…My worry is that I am going to eventually lose my temper and get myself into trouble as this plays out. I am getting tired of fighting. The decision will eventually come down to doing what is in authentic alignment with who I am and how I want to live.  Money, title, power and working on a high profile program isn’t worth being stressed out and conflicted everyday.

When I was wrestling with a career decision last year, a friend asked me one question, “Do you enjoy the work?”.  If I ask myself that question now, the answer is “No. I don’t.”  It makes me sad because under different circumstances without the politics, I would have really enjoyed this type of work and challenge. I just don’t see it changing. Actually, I see it getting worse as I get closer to the selection phase of the project.  So my choices are… (1) Talk to my leaders about my concerns.  I know for a fact my direct supervisor feels the same way I do. He has even told me he would not mind offloading my program.  The program is a hot potato….Leaders above him are feeling pressure from industry and political folks… Not sure talking to them would make anything any better  (2) I could ask to be reassigned to another role in my current Organization  (3) Or I can leave the organization all together. This would essentially cut all ties with the organization I am currently in – most likely for the rest of my career – but do I even care anymore?   I am already exploring other opportunities and my mind is open to trying new things.

After writing the above paragraph, I took a break from writing and scrolled through Instagram. The below photo was the first post in my newsfeed. Do you think it’s trying to tell me something? 🤣🤣

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While on the topic of truth…I’ve been thinking a lot about my connection with “Blue Love” and what that connection has meant in my life.  This is going to get deep so follow me… Loving him, holding space for him, speaking my truth to him and now being in separation from him taught me what real love, real unconditional BIG love, actually is.    It’s loving without expectation or attachments.  That’s a profound lesson to learn.  Loving this way healed parts of myself that were blocked by past traumas. Focusing on myself and moving on with life while in separation from him helped me to let go of who I was in the past and learn to love and accept myself.

My connection with Blue Love started as a sexual attraction and that sexual energy is still palpable between us even after all of these years.  Our connection is so much deeper now.  I have no idea what’s going to happen in our future. I don’t know if we will remain in separation or be reunited. I will love him either way but I will say I miss swimming into those beautiful blue eyes and hope to do it once again…. Honestly, I would like to sip a delicious glass of red win while talking to him one to one and swim in those beautiful eyes…That reminds me of the below poem I wrote a while ago about that…

I am a big fan of Todd Rundgren. He is a nominee for the 2020 Rock Hall of Fame Class. However, he still needs some votes to get in. Voting is open until 1/10/20. Head over to https://vote.rockhall.com to vote for him. “Love is the answer” & “Hello, it’s me” are my favs 💙🙌

Swim ~ Blue Love Poetry
Swimming
In your manhood
I find myself
Going deeper
Into the waters
Of your soul
To find
My own path
To contentment
I hold my breathe
As I dive
All the way down
Into the place
In your heart
Where the love
You withhold
From another
Waits patiently
For me
To believe you
Waits for me
For me
To relax into
Your hands
And trust you
With my future
And my heart
I swim to the top
Of reality
Gasping for air
Searching the horizon
For safety and security
I panic
And try to swim
To familiar land
Until I felt it
I felt your heart
Pulling me
Into the riptide
Of love again
Trying to gain control
Of my destiny
I try to change
My course
I am
So used to
Looking out myself
It’s my instinct
Or perhaps
Just a habit
To disengage
To protect myself
But I feel it
I feel myself
Drowning in your soul
I feel myself
Needing to be near you to
Feel my own heart beat
Get out
Leave

My inner skeptic
Shouts
Get out before
He breaks your heart

My wounded soul
Begs of me
As one barrier
Between us dissolves
And we move closer
To one another
I take a deep breathe
Before diving
Back down into the water
Swimming back down
To bottom of your heart
Until I find
The center of your world
Placing my lips
Against your chest
You give me oxygen
And tell me
To take a breathe
And trust you
Trust you
As I steady myself
I whisper to you
I do
Trust you
As much as I
Am capable of trusting
Another person
I trust you
I don’t want more
If I won’t have you
(C) 2016 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Photography “Kissed” by Libor Spacek

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Gratitude & Intentions ~ Happy New Year

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On December 20, 2019, I had a biopsy on a small mole that my Dermatologist said appeared to be Skin Cancer (she was 95% positive). Guess what? I beat the odds or my Mother’s Prayers protected me 🙏 The Dermatologist called at 8:30am on New Years Eve morning to inform me the biopsy came back as a BENIGN Lesion.  It’s not Cancer 😄 It still has to be removed; she can do that in the office. I don’t need Mohs Surgery or any other treatment. I started crying as I hung up the phone. I actually had to sit down because I was sobbing so hard. I was overwhelmed with relief and gratitude.  I’m proud of myself for the way I handle with situation. It freaked me out a bit but I didn’t let it consume me. I didn’t really even talk about it very much. I just moved on with life while I waited.

Now that I know it’s benign, I am going to make a few changes so I can still enjoy living at the beach and being in the sun. I will make sure my SPF 30 hits all the right places. I will commit to walking my four to six miles in morning during the summer and sitting under an umbrella more often in the afternoons while I am by the pool. I will continue to get a full body scan by the Dermatologist yearly and I will share information on Skin Cancer so people start checking their bodies. Here’s a tip – If a mole appears, grows quickly or changes colors or shapes, it needs to be evaluated and maybe biopsied. When Skin Cancer is caught early, it’s 99% curable with Mohs Surgery.
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When I receive a blessing, I believe in giving a blessing to put good energy in the Universe and passing it on. A friend owns Funny Farm Rescue.  After I got my biopsy results, I stopped out the farm to give her a cash donation.  Below are a few photos.  The horse is named Kristi. She is a 38 year old retired racing horse.  Kristi and I bonded.  Seriously, we are girlfriends ✌️I looked her in the eyes and told her she was beautiful while stroking her cheek.  Whenever I stopped talking to her or petting her, she nudged me with her nose 🤣 I hung out with Kristi for a good 20 minutes.  In the next photo, you can see the knuckleheaded goats are head-butting each other through the fence 🤣 And, the goose – OMG, that goose was up in my business🤣  I shooed them away and then they would not even look at me 🤣 Divas for sure!

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I am not big on making New Years Resolutions. I prefer to make Intentions for the coming year. The Trump Administration eliminated consumer protections in the pork industry and are now allowing pork byproducts such as toenails, hooves, etc to be used things like Ham and Bacon. It totally grosses me out and was my last straw…I’ve been a Pescatarian in recent weeks. I am going to continue being a Pescatarian until at least January 31st to see if I can sustain it.  I would like to eat this way permanently.

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Actually, I don’t eat much fish but I do like Sushi. So I am mostly a Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarian. This means I eat dairy and eggs in additional to cooked veggies and gluten free carbs.  It seems to be easy for me. A local prepared food store, (Done Margate.), makes cooked veggies and a different type of Tofu each week. Below is Thai Sweet Chili Tofu cubes and Wasabi Green Beans that I had this week. It was delish! It had plenty of protein and both are easy to digest. The Soy in Tofu may help with my Hot Flashes too 🤣
Screen Shot 2019-12-31 at 5.09.43 PM.pngAs far as my New Years Eve Plans go – I am making a pizza on a Cauliflower crust for dinner and having Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream for Dessert. I will light some wickless candles and ending the evening by smudging my condo with sage. Maybe some gentle yoga… I hope to stay awake until midnight so I can be meditating at midnight.  I’ve done this the last couple of years and really liked it. If I am can’t stay up, it’s not a big deal.   I am not much of a drinker, so going out on NYE night isn’t fun for me.  I would rather wait for a quiet night to sip one delicious glass of Malbec or Cabernet while talking with a close friend over dinner in an upscale restaurant 🤣

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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Wrong Choices;Right Places

bad decisions

I believe choices that appear to be bad or wrong are actually learning opportunities for reflection, self awareness and course correction. If we learn something about ourself and grow through those experiences, there are no mistakes. If every path presents a growth or learning opportunity, then you are never on the wrong path. If more people thought this way, they would stop beating themselves up for past choices. Perhaps they would start reflecting and find the what they were supposed to learn from the experience.

I’ve been thinking about choices I’ve made in my personal and professional life over the years. In my personal life, I wish I would have learned to stop beating myself up a long time ago. I wish I would have learned to forgive myself for not knowing better when I was younger. I wish I would have learned to love myself and heal the trauma inside of me long before I was 50 years old. I carried those wounds for a long time and used them as a shield. It’s only been in the last two years that I’ve allowed myself to the space to heal and learn through my experiences. Healing is a work in progress. The difference is I am now willing to see and feel the pain. I am now willing to learn from it.

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In my professional life, I’ve always been open to new opportunities and taking risks. Every role I’ve had over the years, offered me a new piece of wisdom and experience that became part of my knowledge base. I’ve been thinking about this because I’m extremely conflicted in my current role. It’s kind of crazy how I ended up here too….In the Fall of 2017, I was unhappy and restless in my job. I needed a break from the organization I was working in. So I took a temporary assignment which lasted 15 months. After turning down a permanent job offer, I went back to my former organization in a new role. I liked the work and I liked the team I was working on. However, the front line manager was not offering me a promotion. I kept looking for other opportunities. I applied for two promotions in two different groups at the same time. A GM saw my name on the candidate list for one of those promotions and instead poached me by offering me an unadvertised position. That’s how I got the job I am in now…

I’ve been in this role for just about five months. The first six weeks were really bad and it’s surprising I stayed through it. It was a really rough start. It was rough start because Execs were pressuring for a quick turnaround on a schedule. I found out they made a commitment before they completely understood the number of regulatory actions that needed to be done first. I knew it wasn’t going to happen the way they thought and I knew I was going to have to prove I was right.

Here’s the problem – I believe this kind of drama will continue going forward given the players involved with my program. It stresses me out. I just don’t know if it’s healthy for me.

The interesting thing about this is…I’ve been praying for intuitive guidance to help me with this. I figure Spirit will give me a sign in some way…So I thought it was funny when I bumped into my former boss on Christmas Eve morning in the local Target. He and I chatted for a while about personal stuff (holidays, etc.). Before he left, he asked if I heard my former supervisor accepted another job and then he asked me to stop by his office after the holidays. He may have an opportunity for me 🤣I believe in pursuing all opportunities… I will stop by and see him after the holidays are over. I know I can’t make any moves until after I get the Skin biopsy results and know what needs to be done. I am in an easy part of my schedule right now. I have space and time in my current job to take care of the health issue without impacting my work.

What I know for sure is… my holistic wellness is more important to me than money, title or power.  Living authentically is more important than any promotion opportunity this position would offer me.  Money and title don’t motivate me.  Doing what’s right and living truthfully is in alignment with who I am.  For now, I will go with the flow, do my best while I explore other options.  I guess we will see how this plays out…


(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

*This post was last edited at 1:21pm on 12/29/19.

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

Protected by Copyscape Online Copyright Search

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