Self Care Sunday ~ How I See Things


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I see choices in life as Black and White. For me, it’s yes or no, right or wrong, good or bad, pass or fail. I don’t walk the fence. Mostly, I don’t hang out it limbo or in the grey because it’s too confusing and stressful for me. I make decisions based upon information, research, my personal values, gut instinct, intuition and ethics. I then move along.  Seeing life through his lens means I like rules. Rules are easy for me.  I like routine and structure. It creates less stress for me in life.

So, the interesting thing about the job I am in now is that every day it presents a different challenge – nothing is routine -ever! lol 🙂 It gives me a new problem to solve or a new puzzle to put together on a daily basis. This week’s problem skirted the edges of my ethics. Meaning that I received confirmation that my “worst case scenario” on a risk, which I’ve been briefing up for a month now, will be realized. It will result in a 9 to 15 month schedule delay. OUCH! Let me be clear! I knew it was going to play out this way all along. I was only going through the motions and looking for alternative paths to demonstrate that I explored all mitigations — but, I knew what the final decision was going to be. I knew because I started conversations with our legal counsel on the issue over a month ago to protect myself; they finally issued an official decision on Friday. They also advised me that I have their full support and they will participate in any needed conversations. This led to emergency telcons late Friday afternoon –  always a fun way to end a Friday 🤣

Here’s the thing…unless senior leadership has a mitigation at their level that isn’t available to me, I’ve done all I can do…That’s the way I see it…it’s time to adjust the schedule and move along. It doesn’t stop what I am doing. There are plenty of other tasks to work through while we also work through the regulatory requirements. It just means that we will have to level set our external stakeholders expectations which could be sticky but that is NOT my job. Remember – I just got here 3 months ago and this issue will cause a 9 to 15 months delay. In other words, it was a problem long before I got here – FULL STOP🛑

So, what happened?  How come it wasn’t found earlier? Well, they didn’t know what they didn’t know and never bothered to ask about regulatory requirements because they thought they knew them.  I happened to pull a thread one day and that’s when it all unraveled 😳Here’s where my ethics were challenged.  When the risk first came to my awareness and I started asking questions.  Folks started telling me to ignore it. They said it would delay the schedule. They told me it wasn’t enforced. They said no one would notice…About a month ago, I woke up at 3:00am with that on my mind and anxiety. I knew that was my intuition telling me it was a problem and I needed to dig deeper into it. That’s when I did my own research, found the penalties and heard other stories. That’s when I quietly reached out to our legal counsel for assistance and protection as I started messaging the risk and potential impact to leaders. That’s when I started formulating an alternate schedule (that I haven’t shared) that incorporates the additional actions. That’s when I knew I was “seeing” things clearly.  Sooo, we will see what happens next week when my leaders start telling folks legal’s decision on this issue but…I am good.  I know I did the right thing. My direct leadership knows I explored all options. They also clearly know my ethics now. They saw that I was trying to protect myself, the company, organization and program.

ethics quote

The discussion about ethics brings me to our current President, his political party and Administration. Right is right, wrong is wrong…Facilitating Ethnic Cleansing, asking for foreign interference in our elections, siding with Dictators, engaging in cover-ups and giving yourself a billion dollar contract should be considered wrong by anyone’s standards regardless of political party…. Every day I wake up hoping he resigned or was ask to leave under the 25th Amendment. It’s embarrassing to have him as our President. FULL STOP🛑  Have your ethics been challenged lately? Do you see the world as Black and White, Right or Wrong? Are you decisive? What would you do if you were a new employee working on a highly visible program and discovered a gigantic risk with legal implications?

Switching gears,  My brother has a heart problem.  He’s been sick for a while. He is currently in critical care on oxygen and it is suspected he’s in heart failure.  Normally, he tells me not drive up or come to the hospital. This time he straight up asked me to come see him. I will be driving up to Philly early tomorrow. This presents me with an internal conflict.  My brother and I have had a complicated relationship. He didn’t have a typical brother and sister relationship.  He is ten years older than I am.  He was a mean violent drunk in his younger years and he was abusive towards me in many ways.  I won’t go into the details but he is the reason I spent a good part of life in unhealthy relationships and still have trust issues.  It was only last year that I finally started to let myself see the damage that was done to me in those years.  It’s complicated to still love someone who caused me so much pain.  Especially because he never apologized. He never accepted accountability for what he did to me… For now, I would like to offer the below Loving Kindness Prayer for my brother and ask God to help me deal with all of these conflicting emotions I am having about him.

I have a very strong relationship with God. I pray to God, my angels and saints every day. I ask for guidance and direction. I ask for help during challenging times. Every day I ask the Holy Spirit to “use me” to help make the world a better place. I ask the Holy Spirit to put me in the right places at the right time to help people. That is my daily prayer. I ask the Holy Spirit and God to send me where I am needed most. Tonight I ask God to be with my family and help me compassion and empathy to my brother in spite of our complicated history.


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Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

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