This Self Care Sunday is complicated for me for a few reasons. I am just not sure what to do next. I am getting a bit overwhelmed and decided to give into a bit on Saturday. I slept most of the day and watched a few episodes of “The Tunnel: Season 3 – Vengeance” on Amazon Prime which took my mind off of most stuff 🙂 So, here’s what’s happening…
I had my appointment with my Gastro doc on Friday to get my biopsy results. I thought five biopsies were taken. It turns out it was only four. They confirmed active Gastritis and inflammation in my Esophagus. However, the interesting thing is it not chronic gastritis. This means it’s NOT an autoimmune flare-up. This could be good – meaning that it’s another cause. However, the biopsies did not confirm the cause or source. Therefore, nothing was eliminated. My doctor is referring me to Philly for a conclusive diagnosis. He recommended PENN or Jeff and also said since I had precancer removed five years that I could even go to Fox Chase. I have to let him know where I want to go on Monday and they’ll send them my medical records. Initially I thought I would go to Fox Chase since it’s about 1/2 mile from my Mom’s house. However, their specialty is Cancer and we don’t know for sure it is Cancer. PENN is a better hospital for Gastro diagnostics and treatment and they can also treat Cancer – if it turns out to be that. My sisters are going to go to the appointment with me too for support.
After I left his office, I really wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I withdrew most of the day. Honestly, I am just tired and over it. My mom called Saturday asking why I didn’t call her back. I just didn’t even feel like talking about it to anyone. I am glad he suggested that I go out of area to a bigger hospital with more advance diagnostics and treatments. It actually is for the best anyway. My current doc is getting older and seems like he just wants to coast into retirement; he often just wants to throw meds at everything which can be an easy fix for symptoms but it doesn’t get to the root cause of the issue. I believe going to Penn for my Gastro issues will work out for my highest good in the long run but I want to find out who would be the best for diagnostics. For now, I am just trying to relax a bit. I am still not convinced it’s Cancer. The problem is he couldn’t rule it out based upon the biopsy results. Given I had precancerous polyps removed from my Colon five years ago, Cancer is still a possibility.
Professionally, things are going quite well. I am glad these health problems are happening now and not a few months down the road. Since I am in temp position and I don’t support anyone but myself, I have more flexibility in when and how I work. My schedule is mine to manage. I am confident I’ll have the health thing figured out before I go into a permanent job anywhere in four months. Speaking of permanent gigs, I know for sure I don’t want to go back to my old group. Intuitively it gives me a bad vibe and I keep getting signs to trust my intuition. It really doesn’t matter who my boss is. It feels done to me and time to move on. There are other reasons I do not want to go back but I will leave that for in person conversations rather than putting it here on my blog. The exciting news is I had meetings this past week about other opportunities that look promising. Actually one of the opportunities seems to be a really good fit for me with a defined career path working for a Director and GM I really respect. I am working on my affirmations like crazy to help that fall into place for me. That feels good to me.
My self care this week has actually been pretty good – all things considered. Being in DC Sunday to Tuesday kept my mind off of the health issues and I felt pretty good while I was there. It was actually the best trip to DC I’ve had so far. I LOVED the Museum of the Bible. The Conference I attended on Monday was extremely beneficial. I declined the group dinner invitation and opted for a solo meal (Salmon Cobb Salad=delicious) at my hotel’s bar where I ran into a coworker also in town. We chatted one on one quietly for a bit which was nice. I was in my room by 6:45pm exhausted, talked out and over peopling for the day. The below meme is a true accurate depiction of how I felt Monday night in my hotel room.
I felt some mental junk creeping up on me on Wednesday so I focused myself on writing sexy poetry for Blue Love. That made me happy. Writing poetry always makes me happy and raises my vibration. I especially enjoy writing Blue Love Poetry. It’s been a long time since I wrote a spicy poem and it was nice to feel that energy in me again. I need those blue eyes and that erotic stimulation my life.
By Thursday, I started to feel some uneasiness creep up into my soul. The Brett Kavanaugh confirmation stuff and sexual assault allegation started to trigger PTSD from my own assaults. My therapist told me when things come up I need to sit with it, feel it and not stuff the emotions down anymore. The only way to heal is to let it come up into the light. The next few paragraphs are emotionally heavy. I hope by writing this it helps me heal and maybe inspires others to start their healing journey as well…so here it goes…
First, please take some time and read the Twitter #whyididntreport stories. There are hundreds of thousands stories of unreported sexual assaults, painful stories, from both women and men. Feel their pain and then you may understand what it is like to be in our shoes. So here’s some of my story. It happened twice. I told family. The first time no one believed me. They said I must have been confused. He was drunk and he didn’t mean. Since I wasn’t hurt and was able to fight him off nothing bad really happened to me. So — How do you think that made me feel? How do you think I felt knowing they basically thought I was a liar and continued to allow him to live in our house.
Telling me I was confused and defending him made them feel better until it happened a second time. By the grace of God, there were witnesses the second time. It couldn’t be ignored. I was injured. People knew, I confronted him both times. It’s our family’s little secret. I never contacted the police or the FBI because my family didn’t want anyone to know. Believe me EVERYONE wanted to push it aside, act as if it didn’t happen and move on. It’s a little more complicated when it’s relative. It’s a little more complicated when everyone assumed I overreacted the first time and even said I was confused. They basically blew it off until the second time it happened. The second time I was injured physically, mentally and spiritually. I was lucky that witnesses heard the noise, saved me and had him removed from the house forever the second time. However, that night was the end of the conversation. That was the end of any acknowledgement of what happened to me. No one wanted to talk about it after that night. They thought removing him was enough and that I wasn’t scarred. I was expected to let it go, move on and make holidays nice for the rest of family for the rest of my life and pretend for everyone that everything was forgiven.
I pretended to forgive. I stuffed it down as far as I could. I’ve been in therapy at least four times since I was 21 years old. I attempted suicide once in my 20s and a second time in my 30s. I must not have been meant to die because I was found both times. I acted out sexually in my 20s and early 30s. I accepted poor treatment from men my entire life because I felt I was damaged and didn’t believe I deserved any better. I carried the burden and paid for his actions my entire life. He’s moved on just fine. I am the one with PTSD and lost any opportunity to have a normal life with a man. I am the one who lost it all while he walks around like king.
It was only a few months ago that I allowed myself to really start to feel this pain and allow this darkness to come up and out of me for healing. I’ve been working through it with my therapist. We agreed it is not worth addressing anything with him again. He will never own is actions nor take responsibility for what he did to me. I did, however, need to re-address it with my Mother which I did about a year ago. I spent over two hours walking her through the events and how it affected my life and my relationships with men my entire life. She always was disappointed I never married and never had children. It was in this conversation she started to understand why. It was in this conversation she could feel my pain. She started to understand how those events impacted my life and what it is like to live with those memories. My mother is significantly more compassionate and empathetic towards me since this conversation. We are closer than we have ever been. I do not blame her but I still needed to be sure she understood me. As she sobbed and said “I’m sorry” over and over again, I didn’t feel validated. I felt sad for everything that was lost because of those events.
My therapist and I were talking about my relationships with men in my last appointment. She looked at me and said, “any man you allow into your life now will need to be REALLY special. You deserve someone special who you can trust enough to let him help you through the anxieties and flashbacks.” Then she said, “Linda, you deserve someone special who can be a friend and a lover; who will treat you with compassion, respect and tenderness.”
Yes, the allegation made by Dr. Ford against Brett Kavanaugh triggered me because I can related to stuffing it down. I can relate to not being able to acknowledge your truth. Mostly, I can relate to how Dr. Ford must have felt when Kavanaugh was nominated; seeing him become the judge on the highest court in our country knowing what he did to her as a woman. Knowing he would vote on cases that involve women. I can relate to a dam breaking inside of her.
The truth is we do not know with absolute certainty the truth between Dr. Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. That’s why an investigation and interviewing witnesses would be helpful. It shouldn’t be rushed. The GOP is pushing a vote through even though they don’t know the whole truth just means they don’t care; getting him in position on SCOTUS to overturn Roe vs. Wade is the top thing on their agenda to appease their hardliners and their base just before mid-terms. That is the truth. It’s all about politics and abortion.
Grey haired old men ramming a judge onto SCOTUS to make decisions about the bodies of women should outrage all women. Honestly, GOP women and men who are supporting him without even knowing if he is guilty means they care more about winning and politics than the well-being of women. I also think they probably never have been a victim of a sexual assault. I believe anyone who has been a victim of sexual assault would want to know the truth. A real man stands with women against sexual assault.
Let me say, I do not condone nor support extreme politics or the “win at all costs” energy coming from either side in Washington. I am more moderate. If these allegation are proven to be false, that would be huge step back. Brett Kavanaugh deserves to be treated fairly as does his accuser. Investigate it! Let’s also remember Gov background checks only go back to 18 years old. This supposedly happened when he was 17 years old and it would have been out of scope of his six earlier background checks. Also, new revelations about his high school year book have his references to “Devil’s triangle”. I’ll let you guys Google that as I don’t want to define it here. His college Frat had a motto, “no means yes and yes mean anal.” He also has a history of gambling debt and alcoholism. If you want to be SCOTUS, you are and should be held to a higher standard. Even if the allegations aren’t true, he is still unfit for SCOTUS. Do women really want this guy making decision about their bodies???? I DO NOT.
Believe me, I knew boys like Kavanaugh and his friends. I went to a catholic college. I went to a frat party one night as a freshman. I didn’t understand why none of the boys were talking to me then one of the guys told me it was “Ugliest girl night”. That meant the boys each put $10 into a pot and whoever had sex with the ugliest girl at the party won the pot. My friend told me I was too pretty and that’s why the boys were not talking to me. I then noticed boys talking to two of my friends. I told my friends I was sick and asked them to leave with me so I could get them out of there. Later that semester that same Frat was put on suspension because members were caught carrying a girl wrapped in a blanket across the quad in the early morning. She had been drugged and raped. I also personally know someone who was raped at a party by those same frat boys. She left school that semester and didn’t come back. She still can’t talk about it.
As mentioned above, take a few minutes and visit Twitter; search on #whyididntreport. Perhaps open a dialogue with the women in your life, especially your daughters. Find out if it happened to them. If it did, give them a safe place to release the pain. Empathy, compassion and being a good human comes before politics. Just because someone was good to you doesn’t mean they weren’t bad to someone else.
Self care is not just about taking care of your physical body. For true healing, sometimes we have to be willing to feel, confront and live with our darkest pain to finally be free. I started Self Care Sunday with breakfast with my neighbors and other locals at the cafe up the street from me. I wrote this blog post to let it all out today. I will watch the Eagles Game because I enjoy football and I am a lifelong Eagles fan and I will try to stay off of news and Twitter for day to give myself some space.
(C) 2018 All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC
DISCLAIMER: Views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC
This Self Care Sunday morning finds me on a train to DC trying to type while I’m rocking back and forth 😂 I have to meet someone at 7:30am tomorrow so I was given comp time and permission to travel today.
Things that made me happy this week were: the absolutely perfect weather this weekend. I enjoyed being outside yesterday. I also went shopping for a new work clothes and a robe. I stumbled across a delicious baby doll nitey. Out of curiosity I tried it on. I look boobilicious in it and fits me really well 😂 While I had no one to model it for Saturday night,I bought it anyway because it made me happy and made me feel sexy 🔥 Who knows maybe Blue Love will need a private fashion show from me in my see through baby doll soon – I like to be prepared and feel sexy 🔥😈Anyways, it made me feel happy and sexy to buy and wear it around the house. Hahahaha 😊💙 I am also happy I am finally going to the Museum of the Bible today in DC. I pass it a lot while in DC since it’s near work but this is the first time I can visit😊
What’s bringing me peace today? hmm? In some aspects I have peace and feel peace in my life. In other ways, things are churning in me and around me. As I allow this to come to my awareness, I am recognizing I’m feeling some instability in my life and it’s starting to feed into feelings of anxiety which means it’s time for me to create stability in my life.
Where do I feel things aren’t stable enough for me? Professionally is the biggest “grey” area of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I will not be losing my job. My job is secure. However, where I work in the “company” is in transition. I’ve been on a long term temp assignment for 8 months. I have 4 months to go. Not knowing what’s going to happen with it is causing me some anxiety. I took the opportunity to initiate conversations around the topic. I am glad I did because things started to become clear for me. As a result, I am now in consideration for a couple permanent opportunities; one of them could be my dream job 😊I have a meeting about that Tuesday. The biggest factor for me is the amount of required travel. I just have to accept & admit I do not like to travel that much. I am comfortable traveling to DC 🙌I’ve been staying at the same hotel near work so I know the area now but twice a month in a hotel is enough for me. I know one position is based where I work now. I’m not sure about the other but I don’t want to relocate either. I like living at the beach 🏖
It was good self care for me to have the awareness to see and admit the situation I am in is causing stress and anxiety. I was good self care for me to have the courage to initiate the conversations. It was good self care to reach acceptance that I need stability in my career. It’s been a fun ride but it’s time for me to wrap it up. I am happy that this experience is leading to opportunities I would not have had without the exposure this temporary assignment gave me. Hopefully, I will know where I am landing in the next few weeks.It’s exciting and makes me happy 😊😊
My health is not stable right now. I noticed today that I have more energy and my stomach is feeling a little better than it did. It’s better but not 100%. A good flare up of Gastritis with LPR can take anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks to resolve. My Doc called for me to come in and discuss biopsy results from my Endoscopy. I go 9/21. I would be shocked if I had Cancer. I really don’t think that’s what he wants to tell me. I do believe we need to change my meds, I may need another procedure and he may want me to have an Oncology consult. I am not really worrying about this too much. I’ve been able to put it out of my mind thanks to the exciting developments at work. I just want to get back to feeling good and figuring out what is causing this brutal flare up.
Poetry always makes me happy. I Included a Blue Love Haiku on this post. In case you missed it, my last post was a new original Poem, “Return To Love – Blue Love Poetry”. Scroll down to read it.
How have you practiced good self care this week? What is making you happy this week? What’s exciting you? Would a see through baby doll nitey excite you? 😂😂💙🔥🔥😘😘
(C) 2018 All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC
7pm update: One of my favorite Gospel songs, “Wayfaring Stranger” is featured in the Museum of Bible. So much to see there on this visit. I’ll have to come back a few times😊 I LOVED it. I also felt spiritually connected there. The Nazareth Village of Israel on the third floor is AMAZING🙌🙌🙌 It could be my DC happy place- I really am a nerd 🤓 Also, I need to read Deuteronomy! Every Bible verse quote I really like came from that book and I loved the 11:11 in this one! The next Museum I want to visit in DC is Newseum 😊I walked past it tonight after it closed.
I’ve been writing about heavy stuff lately. I want to write lighter for this Self Care Sunday. Here are some things that make me happy, bring me peace and set me on fire. These lists are not all inclusive but a start towards remembering what makes me happy and makes me who I am 🦋
Things that make me happy: 😊
Writing ✍️ Writing makes me happy. Writing is my art. It’s how I adapt in this crazy world. It’s how I express myself. It’s how I process situations and emotions. It’s how I heal. I write on my blog and I write in my journal. When I write – this goes for work and at home, I prefer to use only blue pens 💙 I especially love blue gel ink pens. They write smooth. It may seem weird or OCD to have such a ritual but I don’t like black ink – period 😂
The first sip of coffee each day ☕️ There’s something about that first sip that makes me happy and comforted all at the same time. The rest of the cup is great too but that first sip is the best part. I also love the smell of coffee. I prefer Dark Roast coffee. Dark Roast is bolder, has more flavor, less acidity and less caffeine which means I can tolerate a large DD or Wawa Dark Roast coffee without any negative effects 😊☕️ If the coffee is organic and single origin, that’s even better.
Fresh clean sheets 🛏 I hate making the bed. It’s big and has a few layers but once it is made with fresh seats it extremely comfy and cozy.
Living on the beach 🌊 I love living on the beach. I also love living in an area of the country that is so accessible to so many major cities, mountains and beaches. More importantly, I love the change of seasons. I like a rainy day like today. I like a hot sunny beach or pool day. I like a chilly day with with boots and hats. I like snow. The perfect day for me is around 70 – 75 degrees and sunny 😊
My Mom calling me honey😊 “Hiya, Honey! How ya doin?” That’s what I hear on the other end of the phone. It always makes me happy. My Mother and I have had some crazy battles with each other. My Mom LIKES TO FIGHT! No joke, she will take you out! We both can have a tendency to swing first and ask questions later but I have learned to control that impulse. My Mom, however, will go a few rounds before even thinking of asking the questions. Fighting is cathartic for her; I think it’s probably why she’s 79 years old and healthy. Family members routinely try to slide out of her crosshairs before she really gets going on something. If you can go a few rounds with her once in a while, she will love and respect you forever.
Mom and I have said horrible things to each other, embarrassed ourselves and the entire family in public and at parties with our antics but it’s been a fun ride with her. I was outside of work one day having a screaming match with her when a coworker/friend walked out. My coworker asked if I was ok. I said, “It’s ok. It’s just a crazy old lady driving me nuts.” My coworker laughed. My Mom said to me on the phone, “Really Linda? The old lady comment was a low blow!” We laughed. It was over and we moved on to another topic. That’s how we’ve always gotten along. We fight, bicker and annoy each other. Mom is no weak flower. I am grateful that 4’11” Blue Eyed firecracker is my Mom. The below photo of my Mom and I was taken yesterday at a 30th birthday party for my niece’s fiancé 😂💙
Hanging out with my sisters 💙 Sandy passed away in 1999. I have two sisters living. DJ (Diane) is a straight shooter, like Mom. If you don’t want to hear the truth about something, don’t talk to Diane. She’s full of common sense and will gladly set you straight on any topic. Terri is my silly sister. She’s the one always made me laugh in church and then I got into trouble. Terri is funny. When Sandy was intensive care the last week of her life, Terri and I were breaking the tension by being silly. We were making blowfish on the window of the room. Well, all we heard Diane say was, “you two are fucking idiots” but she also was laughing. My sisters have been my biggest fans and most loyal trusted friends. They make me happy.
Signs 🌟 I ask my angels and guides for signs. It makes me happy to receive signs from spirits and intuition. I ask mostly ask for repetitive number and coins as my signs. 222 is my favorite repetitive number series. 222 is symbolic of partnership, love and highest good. When I receive 222 or see 222, I always say to myself, “Everything is always working out for my highest good. The love you give is returned.”💙🦋
Things that bring me peace: 🙏
Writing ✍️ Writing brings me peace. It’s cathartic. I share my deeply personal stories and thoughts to heal myself, bring myself peace and perhaps help others heal too.
The stillness of early morning just before sunrise 🌅 It’s my favorite time of day. I switched my work schedule almost ten years ago so I would be up at or before 5:00am on work days. I like the early morning peacefulness in the office. I like driving early in the morning and driving while the sun is coming up. I also like sunset and the slow down that occurs in the evening just before dark.
My Pink Himalayan Salt Lamp 🔮 I love the warm glow in the room when that light is the only light I have on at night. Having bright lights on at night is too stimulating. I like warm mellow lighting in general.
Prayer, Mediation and Mantras 🙏💙 I talk to angels and guides all day long. I pray throughout the day. It brings me peace. It stabilizes me on tough days, it motivates me when I need a lift, it centers me when I need to be grounded and calm. Through prayer, I can be the eye of the storm.
Things that light me up and set me on fire:🔥
Knowledge and learning 🌟🌸 I love to learn. I want to expand my awareness and consciousness. The more self aware we are as individuals the better we are as citizens and leaders in society. Take our President for example. A little self awareness on his part would go a long way. Every good thing that has been accomplished by him is being overshadowed by impulsiveness, rhetoric and over reactivity.
Auschwitz survivor, Viktor Frankl, beautifully said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space…In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and freedom.” Choose your response instead of reacting in the moment is the lesson in his words. You can control the narrative and shift the conversation in your favor with a calm controlled response.
I grew up in a “swing first; ask questions later family” I trained myself over the years to not react. I had to have the self awareness to see I was a reactor and then learn to pull back. I had to learn to strategize the best way to respond instead running down the hall to flip out on someone or firing off a heated text or Tweet. Folks who tend to be hot heads benefit having people who can talk them back in their close circles. Anyone who intentionally fires you up, instigates you and intentionally points you in someone’s direction, is NOT a good influence. Self awareness is the hallmark of good leader and it also includes looking at your circle to be sure you surround yourself with good calming influences. Self awareness is key. Control the narrative. This is a little of the “coach” in me coming out on this topic. 😊
Growth 🌟🌸 Personal Growth through adversity, tapping into my highest good and using every last drop of my own personal power lights my soul on fire. Professional growth is also important to me. I currently find myself in a unique position professionally. While I am advocating for approval for a project I care about, I am also considering career paths that could be open to me at the end of the temporary assignment. I am not sure my current role will stay a full time gig. In my current Org, there are other opportunities in Leadership Development where I could use my coaching certification. There are opportunities as program manager and project lead in other areas. I have an interest in the Chief of Staff role. The current actor is only there temporarily. I am curious what experience would I have to gain to end up in that role. It’s nice to have options and somewhere to grow 🦋💙🌟👍
Poetry 🦋💙 Writing poetry is my art. My soul speaks through my prose. It’s truly my passion.
Service 🙏 Being of service to others, helping people reach their highest good, motivating people, inspiring people and witnessing for people sets my soul on fire and is extremely rewarding to me.
Blue Love sets me on fire 💙His eyes light a match in me 🔥
(C) 2018 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved
DISCLAIMER: Views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC
As a force
Sways my hips
Of the Universe
As a Phoenix
With grounded humility
In my belly
In my eyes
In my soul
That is rooted
Of love and lust
(C) 2018 All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC
Ge’ah ~ means strong feminine power in Hebrew.
This Self Care Sunday I call upon Ge’ah to move through me, empower me, energize me and stabilize me as I move through this time of my life.
If you have been reading my blog regularly, you know that I’ve been working through some heavy dark issues in my life lately. I’ve chosen to share the work I am doing within myself on this blog as my way to heal and perhaps help others through my own experiences. Maybe reading my story and seeing how I am working towards healing will help someone else have the courage to do the same.
I’m not afraid to go to the dark places within myself. I am not afraid anymore. I don’t really feel like I have a choice anymore. It rose up for a reason. I can no longer push it down. Heavy emotions and feelings around things that happened to me in the past have come to the surface of my consciousness; to ignore them would be denying myself an opportunity to deeply heal.
The emotions I’ve been feeling lately are complicated. I feel repressed anger. Disappointment in people who were supposed to love me. I feel shame, not necessarily for my actions, but for not being strong enough to let myself heal years ago. I’m cycling through depression and anxiety mixed with a bit of frustration.
The New Agey folks would say to me, “Forgive and it will set you free!” I say “FUCK THAT!” I’ve confronted my attacker twice in front of people. He’s never apologized or even acknowledge what he did even though he knows its true. I’ve learned not to expect anything from him. I just cut him out of my life like he’s a Cancer. But his actions caused trauma in my life and left scars.
Unfortunately, I have to tolerate the jackass on holidays and family parties knowing he has no remorse for what he did to me. My tolerance of him shouldn’t be mistaken for forgiveness. It’s maturity on my part. Let’s be clear. I protect myself. I won’t be alone in a room with him. I won’t drive in a car with him. I will NEVER sleep in a house he is in and for many years I would not even sit on a sofa near him. But for the sake of his family, who do not know – I’ve never told them – and for the sake of my mother, I am cordial to him. She deserves to have all of her kids together on holidays. My mother and I had a long conversation last year over coffee about those events and how they affected my life. She sat across the table from me sobbing and saying, “I’m sorry” the entire time. But she finally understood. She now understands & respects my boundaries. I will say hello and that’s about it. Cordial doesn’t mean friendly and it certainly doesn’t mean forgiveness. I’ve learned one thing through therapy. I don’t have to forgive anyone who doesn’t ask for my forgiveness or take responsibility for their actions. He’s hasn’t done either one.
What I have to do is let this darkness come up from my soul. I need to let this pain and anger see the light and be released so I can open myself to love —— I don’t have to forgive. As I work through this, I will be writing about my experiences on this blog. I am done pretending it didn’t happen. I am calling on Ge’ah to empower me to heal, release and open myself to love again.
Moving on to another topic, I’ve had long term issues with a chronic form of Gastritis. It’s been really flared up for the last couple of months. I had a Endoscopy on Thursday. When the doctor talked to me after the procedure. He told me he did biopsies but then said he didn’t want to talk too much about anything or give me any recommendations until he got the pathology back. A friend drove me home; we chatted the whole way. I came home, ate and went back to bed. Later that night I read the report from the procedure. It said they did find Gastritis but they also saw irregular cells in my stomach and Gastric Polyps. They did FIVE biopsies. That explained why my stomach was so sore. They called me early Friday morning to find out how I was doing and told me I could be sore for another day or two because they took so many biopsies. Pathology should back in a week or so. It was good thing I was off from work Friday too. I was sore well into Saturday. It’s calming down now.
The interesting thing about this is I am not even that upset or worried about it. I am so beat up it hardly affected me. I never had Gastric Polyps. I never heard of Gastric Polyps. I did have Precancerous Polyps removed from Colon five years ago. My three year check up was clean. Of course, I Googled Gastric Polyps. Apparently, they are rare. Best case scenarios are H. Pylori bacteria or a reaction to a medication. Worse case scenario is Cancer. I’ve made my peace with each scenario but I will be honest I am not up for a big long battle with Cancer. I am not. Game over.
As far as work goes, I have a feeling my project is going to be squashed by Legal or its going to be a big long fight to keep it. I would still have a position in the group just not the project that I pitched two weeks ago. I’ll know for sure this week. Honestly, I’ve put it out of my mind and have just been focusing on taking care of myself. It’ really doesn’t matter anymore.
I am open to the divine direction and will allow the Universe Flow to guide me to right position. Honestly, it’s not really about opportunities anymore for me. It’s about which group would be the healthiest and most supportive place for me to work at this time of my life. That feels like the group I am in right now. The work environment is quieter, less chaotic, not as much drama and I don’t feel taken advantage of by my management as I did in my former role. In my former group, I had two bosses who were both men. I enjoyed working for both of them. Both would remind me what was mine to do(worry about) and what was NOT mine to do (or worry about). They helped me maintain balance. I would be HAPPY to work for either one of them again. Once they both got promoted and moved on, the managers who took over for them did not shield me in any way. They just constantly asked me for more and pushed me harder. I tried to tell them what they were doing to me. They would back off for a week but then it would start all over again. For God Sake, they couldn’t even work a keyboard in briefing on their own without calling me for help. Stuff like that doesn’t happen where I work now. Also, I don’t do those stupid employee engagement surveys with the personalized link. A personalized link means it’s not anonymous 🙂
Having five days off of work has worked out good. I needed more time to heal from the Endoscopy than I originally thought I would need, I’ve been relaxing and sleeping A LOT.
As of yesterday, I decided to call on Ge’ah to help awaken the power within me. While I’ve always been a warrior, I am finding I need some assistance these days in lighting my fire. I should mention that taken to the extreme Ge’ah divine feminine power can be shown as pride and arrogance. I’m not looking for that. I just need a little power boost 🙂
If you are a personal friend, all I really need from you right now is patience, understanding, support, a reason to laugh and maybe a hug or at least a text with a smiley face 😊 Or if you are the praying type, I could use prayers too🙏
I love this Native American Proverb
“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac is for my three sisters. They’ve always protected me and have been my best friends 💙🦋 The song took on special meaning to us all during the last two weeks of Sandy’s life.
I have a pretty face and a sexy body. My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body. My body is not skinny nor is it fat. It is womanly, voluptuous. I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.
Growing up sexy has not always been easy. When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol. I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog. I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.
I have been seeing a therapist for over five years. My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.
As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered. Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars. Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.
Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man. When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry. Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.
Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being. I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”. Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.
Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance. How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.
In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me. However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.
I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection. We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.
While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future. I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.
This is not a #metoo post. This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women. I enjoyed being sexy all of my life. I still enjoy being sexy. I like that men look at me. I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body. I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable. I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy. It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.
This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us. It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love. It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden. A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed. A burden I am ready to hopefully release.
In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself. I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me. At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.
With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.
If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.
My friend and fellow Holistic Health Coach Stephanie at Find Your Brave writes a lot about honoring where you are in the present. Stephanie coaches women to honor their feelings and emotions as they are right in this very moment. I am honoring where I am emotionally in this Self Care Sunday post.
I am grateful. I am truly grateful for all of the people who love me now and loved me in the past. This includes my family, friends and men who have been in my life. I am grateful for every person who played a role in my growth, protected me along the way and helped me become the woman I am today. I am grateful for my job. My job provides me stable income and health care which allows me to live comfortably at the beach as well as help others with my abundance. I am grateful for my apartment on the beach. It is truly my sanctuary and is a beautiful place to rest and live in peace. I am grateful for my body. My body has been through a lot and it continues sustain me. I am grateful for my tenacious spirit. It helps me rally in tough times. I am grateful for my big heart; it gives me the capacity to love deeply and truly. I am grateful for my old soul. I have the soul of an old warrior. I’ve experienced many tragedies and suffered more than most but my soul used those experienced for growth. I am a very fortunate woman but…it’s not enough. It’s all just not enough.
It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve allowed myself to see the true price I’ve paid in the name of self protection in my life. It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve began to understand I lost so much more than people in my life, I lost love and my ability to choose without fear. I am only now starting to understand what was taken away from me by the actions of men. I am also starting to understand what my life could have been if I didn’t close myself off so long ago. I can now see how expensive suffering has been in my life.
I ask God, Angels and Guides, is this it? Is this all there is going to be in my life for the next 5, 10, 20 or 30 years of my life? I ask this question because it’s become clear to me that life, the way it is, simply is not enough to sustain me long term. You may ask me what does that mean. The truth is I am not sure what that means. I only recently admitted to myself that I felt this. I talked at length about this with my therapist this past week. She honored what I was saying. She didn’t try to put happy face on anything. Her closing words stuck with me, “It’s not your fault. None of it has been your fault but your heart is carrying all the burden(s). Everyone reaches a breaking point.” It’s not that I can’t handle stress and suffering. It’s that I’ve been handing it and dealing with it since I was seven years old. The sustained pressure is breaking me down on every level. I am worn out.
What does this mean for my future and my life. I am not sure. The only thing I know is I am no longer as strong as I was. I am weary. When I get knocked down, I don’t get up as quick as I used to. When I need to rally and fight, I am just not sure it’s worth it anymore. What the hell am I fighting for anyway? To live another 5, 10, 20, 30 years in a life like this? I am not sure I want that. In honoring where I am today I allow myself to write in complete authenticity and honesty. I am allowing those who are reading this blog to truly see me and understand the burden I am feeling.
On a work related topic, In this role I’ve learned to be a Program Manager in the “company”, you need to play office politics. I have the knowledge, skills and strategic abilities to be a fantastic game-play politician. However, being a politician lacks authenticity; that doesn’t vibe well with me and it actually stresses me out. I am good at this job. I have skills necessary to do this job. The whole point of taking this temporary assignment was to explore opportunities to see how they fit. For the most part, this role fits me. However, I still say the perfect role for me is something more along the lines of a Senior Advisor to leader. In that type of role, I could do program management, project management and also offer support services to a leader without being in the middle of the politics myself. I feel like I need to “take care” of someone. Doing that is rewarding to me. Actually, I am not fulfilling that need in any area of my life right now. Also, My body is not handling stress well anymore. Perhaps it never did it’s just more noticeable now that I am older. That has been on my mind a lot lately too. It reminded me that I used to have a boss that would tell me to “STOP” “BREATH” 😂 I don’t always know how/when to stop myself. It was helpful having someone who knew me well enough to see when I needed to be pulled back. I don’t have that anymore.
Have you been honest with yourself lately? Is your life, the way it is now, enough for another 20 years? Can you live like this for another 20 years?
I encourage you to honor how you feel and where you are on this Self Care Sunday. Sit with yourself. Feel whatever it is. Stay soft in this unkind world💙🦋
I spoke my truth this morning to my boss and another manager. I told them my temporary status and the project drama was starting to cause me anxiety. First, we spoke about my project; we have a resolution. It’s still moving forward 🙂 It’s in a Legal Review now. Fingers crossed everything goes well and I should be able to start meeting with vendor by next week. Next, we spoke about the anxiety I am starting to feel about my future and the temporary status I am still in. They understood what I was saying and allievated some concerns that came up last week. However, I won’t feel completely better until I am permanently sitting one place or another. I learned through this experience long term temporary assignments are not good for someone with an anxiety disorder. It creates too much uncertainity. It’s giving me too much room to worry. If I ever do something like this again, the maximum length I will agree to is six months.
The funny thing about our conversation today was what my boss said to me. He’s a Ph.D. He,of course, had to explain my anxiety in scientific terms and with a picture😂 He stood up and drew a graphic on the board and explained the “Anxiety and Performance(Arousal) Axis. He explained to me that there was a study done that proved that high performance requires a higher level of anxiety. People who are high performers tend to be more anxious. You actually need anxiety to push you to perform. The key is operate at the peak of curve abd manage the anxiety so you don’t slip down the slope. Below is a photo similiar to the graphic he drew; click the photo for the link to the article on “Anxiety and Arousal”. He told me to Google it. When I googled it, I also found a helpful article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After I read that article, I reached out to friend who lost her son in a car accident and we scheduled a call to catch up for tonight. Hoping we can help each other 🦋
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