#BelieveSurvivors

#ibelievesurvivors

I am wearing black today in support of all survivors of sexual assault!

Believe Survivors ✊💪🦋

Twitter is my favorite social media platform. I can live without Facebook and Instagram but Twitter is a great source of news, activism, community and social change.

Follow Twitter hashtag

#believesurvivors

For more stories from sexual assault survivors have a tissue box ready and read

#whyididntreport

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Self Care Sunday – September 23, 2018

Self Care Sunday art

This Self Care Sunday is complicated for me for a few reasons. I am just not sure what to do next. I am getting a bit overwhelmed and decided to give into a bit on Saturday. I slept most of the day and watched a few episodes of “The Tunnel: Season 3 – Vengeance” on Amazon Prime which took my mind off of most stuff 🙂 So, here’s what’s happening…

I had my appointment with my Gastro doc on Friday to get my biopsy results. I thought five biopsies were taken. It turns out it was only four. They confirmed active Gastritis and inflammation in my Esophagus. However, the interesting thing is it not chronic gastritis. This means it’s NOT an autoimmune flare-up. This could be good – meaning that it’s another cause. However, the biopsies did not confirm the cause or source. Therefore, nothing was eliminated. My doctor is referring me to Philly for a conclusive diagnosis. He recommended PENN or Jeff and also said since I had precancer removed five years that I could even go to Fox Chase. I have to let him know where I want to go on Monday and they’ll send them my medical records. Initially I thought I would go to Fox Chase since it’s about 1/2 mile from my Mom’s house. However, their specialty is Cancer and we don’t know for sure it is Cancer. PENN is a better hospital for Gastro diagnostics and treatment and they can also treat Cancer – if it turns out to be that. My sisters are going to go to the appointment with me too for support.

After I left his office, I really wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I withdrew most of the day. Honestly, I am just tired and over it. My mom called Saturday asking why I didn’t call her back. I just didn’t even feel like talking about it to anyone. I am glad he suggested that I go out of area to a bigger hospital with more advance diagnostics and treatments. It actually is for the best anyway. My current doc is getting older and seems like he just wants to coast into retirement; he often just wants to throw meds at everything which can be an easy fix for symptoms but it doesn’t get to the root cause of the issue. I believe going to Penn for my Gastro issues will work out for my highest good in the long run but I want to find out who would be the best for diagnostics. For now, I am just trying to relax a bit. I am still not convinced it’s Cancer. The problem is he couldn’t rule it out based upon the biopsy results. Given I had precancerous polyps removed from my Colon five years ago, Cancer is still a possibility.

Professionally, things are going quite well. I am glad these health problems are happening now and not a few months down the road. Since I am in temp position and I don’t support anyone but myself, I have more flexibility in when and how I work. My schedule is mine to manage. I am confident I’ll have the health thing figured out before I go into a permanent job anywhere in four months. Speaking of permanent gigs, I know for sure I don’t want to go back to my old group. Intuitively it gives me a bad vibe and I keep getting signs to trust my intuition. It really doesn’t matter who my boss is. It feels done to me and time to move on. There are other reasons I do not want to go back but I will leave that for in person conversations rather than putting it here on my blog. The exciting news is I had meetings this past week about other opportunities that look promising. Actually one of the opportunities seems to be a really good fit for me with a defined career path working for a Director and GM I really respect. I am working on my affirmations like crazy to help that fall into place for me. That feels good to me.

My self care this week has actually been pretty good – all things considered. Being in DC Sunday to Tuesday kept my mind off of the health issues and I felt pretty good while I was there. It was actually the best trip to DC I’ve had so far. I LOVED the Museum of the Bible. The Conference I attended on Monday was extremely beneficial. I declined the group dinner invitation and opted for a solo meal (Salmon Cobb Salad=delicious) at my hotel’s bar where I ran into a coworker also in town. We chatted one on one quietly for a bit which was nice. I was in my room by 6:45pm exhausted, talked out and over peopling for the day. The below meme is a true accurate depiction of how I felt Monday night in my hotel room.

Empaths

I felt some mental junk creeping up on me on Wednesday so I focused myself on writing sexy poetry for Blue Love. That made me happy. Writing poetry always makes me happy and raises my vibration. I especially enjoy writing Blue Love Poetry. It’s been a long time since I wrote a spicy poem and it was nice to feel that energy in me again. I need those blue eyes and that erotic stimulation my life.

By Thursday, I started to feel some uneasiness creep up into my soul. The Brett Kavanaugh confirmation stuff and sexual assault allegation started to trigger PTSD from my own assaults. My therapist told me when things come up I need to sit with it, feel it and not stuff the emotions down anymore. The only way to heal is to let it come up into the light. The next few paragraphs are emotionally heavy. I hope by writing this it helps me heal and maybe inspires others to start their healing journey as well…so here it goes…

First, please take some time and read the Twitter #whyididntreport stories. There are hundreds of thousands stories of unreported sexual assaults, painful stories, from both women and men. Feel their pain and then you may understand what it is like to be in our shoes. So here’s some of my story. It happened twice. I told family. The first time no one believed me. They said I must have been confused. He was drunk and he didn’t mean. Since I wasn’t hurt and was able to fight him off nothing bad really happened to me. So — How do you think that made me feel? How do you think I felt knowing they basically thought I was a liar and continued to allow him to live in our house.

Telling me I was confused and defending him made them feel better until it happened a second time. By the grace of God, there were witnesses the second time. It couldn’t be ignored. I was injured. People knew, I confronted him both times. It’s our family’s little secret. I never contacted the police or the FBI because my family didn’t want anyone to know. Believe me EVERYONE wanted to push it aside, act as if it didn’t happen and move on. It’s a little more complicated when it’s relative. It’s a little more complicated when everyone assumed I overreacted the first time and even said I was confused. They basically blew it off until the second time it happened. The second time I was injured physically, mentally and spiritually. I was lucky that witnesses heard the noise, saved me and had him removed from the house forever the second time. However, that night was the end of the conversation. That was the end of any acknowledgement of what happened to me. No one wanted to talk about it after that night. They thought removing him was enough and that I wasn’t scarred. I was expected to let it go, move on and make holidays nice for the rest of family for the rest of my life and pretend for everyone that everything was forgiven.

I pretended to forgive. I stuffed it down as far as I could. I’ve been in therapy at least four times since I was 21 years old. I attempted suicide once in my 20s and a second time in my 30s. I must not have been meant to die because I was found both times. I acted out sexually in my 20s and early 30s. I accepted poor treatment from men my entire life because I felt I was damaged and didn’t believe I deserved any better. I carried the burden and paid for his actions my entire life. He’s moved on just fine. I am the one with PTSD and lost any opportunity to have a normal life with a man. I am the one who lost it all while he walks around like king.

It was only a few months ago that I allowed myself to really start to feel this pain and allow this darkness to come up and out of me for healing. I’ve been working through it with my therapist. We agreed it is not worth addressing anything with him again. He will never own is actions nor take responsibility for what he did to me. I did, however, need to re-address it with my Mother which I did about a year ago. I spent over two hours walking her through the events and how it affected my life and my relationships with men my entire life. She always was disappointed I never married and never had children. It was in this conversation she started to understand why. It was in this conversation she could feel my pain. She started to understand how those events impacted my life and what it is like to live with those memories. My mother is significantly more compassionate and empathetic towards me since this conversation. We are closer than we have ever been. I do not blame her but I still needed to be sure she understood me. As she sobbed and said “I’m sorry” over and over again, I didn’t feel validated. I felt sad for everything that was lost because of those events.

My therapist and I were talking about my relationships with men in my last appointment. She looked at me and said, “any man you allow into your life now will need to be REALLY special. You deserve someone special who you can trust enough to let him help you through the anxieties and flashbacks.” Then she said, “Linda, you deserve someone special who can be a friend and a lover; who will treat you with compassion, respect and tenderness.”

Yes, the allegation made by Dr. Ford against Brett Kavanaugh triggered me because I can related to stuffing it down. I can relate to not being able to acknowledge your truth. Mostly, I can relate to how Dr. Ford must have felt when Kavanaugh was nominated; seeing him become the judge on the highest court in our country knowing what he did to her as a woman. Knowing he would vote on cases that involve women. I can relate to a dam breaking inside of her.

The truth is we do not know with absolute certainty the truth between Dr. Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. That’s why an investigation and interviewing witnesses would be helpful. It shouldn’t be rushed. The GOP is pushing a vote through even though they don’t know the whole truth just means they don’t care; getting him in position on SCOTUS to overturn Roe vs. Wade is the top thing on their agenda to appease their hardliners and their base just before mid-terms. That is the truth. It’s all about politics and abortion.

Grey haired old men ramming a judge onto SCOTUS to make decisions about the bodies of women should outrage all women. Honestly, GOP women and men who are supporting him without even knowing if he is guilty means they care more about winning and politics than the well-being of women. I also think they probably never have been a victim of a sexual assault. I believe anyone who has been a victim of sexual assault would want to know the truth. A real man stands with women against sexual assault.

Let me say, I do not condone nor support extreme politics or the “win at all costs” energy coming from either side in Washington. I am more moderate. If these allegation are proven to be false, that would be huge step back. Brett Kavanaugh deserves to be treated fairly as does his accuser. Investigate it! Let’s also remember Gov background checks only go back to 18 years old. This supposedly happened when he was 17 years old and it would have been out of scope of his six earlier background checks. Also, new revelations about his high school year book have his references to “Devil’s triangle”. I’ll let you guys Google that as I don’t want to define it here. His college Frat had a motto, “no means yes and yes mean anal.” He also has a history of gambling debt and alcoholism. If you want to be SCOTUS, you are and should be held to a higher standard. Even if the allegations aren’t true, he is still unfit for SCOTUS. Do women really want this guy making decision about their bodies???? I DO NOT.

Believe me, I knew boys like Kavanaugh and his friends. I went to a catholic college. I went to a frat party one night as a freshman. I didn’t understand why none of the boys were talking to me then one of the guys told me it was “Ugliest girl night”. That meant the boys each put $10 into a pot and whoever had sex with the ugliest girl at the party won the pot. My friend told me I was too pretty and that’s why the boys were not talking to me. I then noticed boys talking to two of my friends. I told my friends I was sick and asked them to leave with me so I could get them out of there. Later that semester that same Frat was put on suspension because members were caught carrying a girl wrapped in a blanket across the quad in the early morning. She had been drugged and raped. I also personally know someone who was raped at a party by those same frat boys. She left school that semester and didn’t come back. She still can’t talk about it.

As mentioned above, take a few minutes and visit Twitter; search on #whyididntreport. Perhaps open a dialogue with the women in your life, especially your daughters. Find out if it happened to them. If it did, give them a safe place to release the pain. Empathy, compassion and being a good human comes before politics. Just because someone was good to you doesn’t mean they weren’t bad to someone else.

Whyididntreport twitter#whyididntreport – http://www.twitter.com
Twitter – #whyididntreport

Self care is not just about taking care of your physical body. For true healing, sometimes we have to be willing to feel, confront and live with our darkest pain to finally be free. I started Self Care Sunday with breakfast with my neighbors and other locals at the cafe up the street from me. I wrote this blog post to let it all out today. I will watch the Eagles Game because I enjoy football and I am a lifelong Eagles fan and I will try to stay off of news and Twitter for day to give myself some space.

(C) 2018 All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Growing Up Sexy

Blue Love Art

I have a pretty face and a sexy body.  My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body.  My body is not skinny nor is it fat.  It is womanly, voluptuous.  I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.

Growing up sexy has not always been easy.  When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol.  I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog.  I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.

I have been seeing a therapist for over five years.  My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.

As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered.  Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars.  Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.

Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man.  When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry.  Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.

Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”.  Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.

Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance.  How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.

In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me.  However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.

I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection.  We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.

While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future.  I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.

This is not a #metoo post.  This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women.   I enjoyed being sexy all of my life.  I still enjoy being sexy.  I like that men look at me.  I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body.  I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable.  I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy.  It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.

This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us.  It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love.  It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden.   A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed.  A burden I am ready to hopefully release.

In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself.  I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me.  At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.

With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.

If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.

Here’s an article I found helpful on PTSD
https://www.gracepointwellness.org/109-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

😘

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Inconvenient Heart

 
“She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply.” ॐ – John Mark Green

I have a lot to say this evening. I’m choking on everything I have to say this evening. It’s just that I can’t get the words out of my chest. They are shoved so far down my throat from me holding them back that they are stuck in my chest. Please bare with me as I write this therapeutic post to give myself some freedom and breath.

I’m “sensitive” and extremely empathetic. I am a good psychic too – when I allow myself to be. I spend a lot of time shutting down energies, voices, vibes and intuitions to have some peace in my life. The noise gets to be too much. I am trying to learn how to use my intuition without getting overwhelmed by all the messages I receive. I know this all may sound strange. Some of you won’t understand. But, this is my reality.

I mention this today because I’m picking up someone with a heart so heavy I want to hug her when I am near her. I picking up someone who is so anxious I have anxiety attacks when I’m near her. I’m picking up strong masculine beautiful energy telling me he needs me more than he can say right now. But mostly, I’m picking up the energy of my sister, Sandy, who passed away 16 years ago.

Sandy is whispering in my ear, “you’re not done yet. Nope, you are not done. Go on. Get up. Come on. Get ready.” She’s pushing at my back and saying, “go, go.” She’s telling me more – more is coming. More is waiting for me. Beautiful things lie ahead for me. It’s confusing. As much as I love her presence, I trying to interpret the message she is delivering to me. Is it about my health, my love life, my career, my family? For now I suppose I’ll just enjoy her being here with me. But for tonight I told her to shut up and go haunt my Mother👻 I need some peace. I’m tired of working and trying so hard. I just need to be….be nothing for a few hours.

I had a good bit of frustration this week. I pretty much reached a breaking point and had to just get stuff off my chest. I didn’t get many answers. But today someone did pull me into a conference room for a follow up conversation that made me feel a little bit better about a professional frustration. I was very grateful for heartfelt conversation we had and now I see the bigger picture. I get it. I also decided to take advantage of some free coaching sessions with a career counselor. I thought talking with an objective third party would be helpful for someone who is goal oriented like me. If for no other reason to affirm I’m in the right place, doing the right work for the right reason. I believe in looking at all areas of my life with a critical eye. It’s time for me to do it professionally. Let me be clear. I’m not unhappy. I like where I work. I like the people I work for. I’m very fortunate and lucky to work where I work. But, I also feel it’s time to stop floating along and set a plan for a destination. Unfortunately, my need for immediately clarity doesn’t align well in my work environment. I hoping I’m not writing about the same frustration a year from now😄

Just because I wasn’t miserable enough this week…I got a surprise visitor. I was rather enjoying not having a period. But, on the flip side maybe the cysts are gone now. I had blood work on Wednesday and almost passed out. They told me to go home and lie down. I had to drink some straight up Coke because my blood sugar crashed. But the good news is the blood tests confirmed I am not Diabetic or even Pre-Diabetic. My Fasting Sugar & a1c are absolutely normal. However, my Glucose crashes into the low 50s 3-5 hours after meals. Therefore, I was diagnosed with Reactive Hypoglycemia. This means: when I eat, my body over-produces Insulin which crashes my blood sugar. Simple Carbs & high Sugar meals cause a greater increase in Insulin resulting a blood sugar crash. Treatment plan: eat or have a snack every 4 to 5 hours & limit simple carbs & sugar. It’s manageable & can be controlled with dietary changes. Reactive hypoglycemia and an increase of Insulin in my body is causing me to struggle to lose weight and is causing gynecological issues too. It’s causing ovarian cysts & missed periods. Crazy when you think of it. My doctor told me three to six months of sticking to the sugar restrictions should be enough time to stabilize my blood sugar. I should notice lots of positive results.

And just because I can’t end this post without an attempt to get some erotic poetry mojo back, MBE looked really cute today. As I was standing next to him looking at him straight in the eye, I thought to myself we look good together and we’re good for each other😉❤️
(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life is best when lived passionately
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Photo Credit:
Sageword Facebook Page

Music: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd for Sandy

Rescue me

  
People who are “sensitive” or are Empaths often have trouble being in places that are crowded, with bright lights and loud noises. The energy that is created in those environments can be overwhelming.

Last night I went to see Florida Georgia Line, Thomas Rhett & Frankie Ballard at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, NJ with two of my nieces who are 31 & 32 years old. The concert was sold out and it was crazy crowded. I could feel anxiety growing inside of me all afternoon. I was moving through it and refusing to take Xanax. I was trying to use breath control to release the mounting anxiety. As the music started pounding so did my chest. The screaming, hollering and flashing lights – well, it damn near made me past out from my heart pounding out of my chest. My hands were shaking as I reached into the pill case in my purse to find Xanax.

In my head I went through scenarios as my chest pounded and my head spun. I didn’t tell my nieces anything. But, I was thinking, “what if I pass out? I don’t want to ruin the show for the girls. Should I leave? They are not good in a crisis. Where is the fucking Xanax?.” I found the Xanax. I remember a little trick my doctor taught me about breaking off a piece and putting it under my tongue to get it into the blood stream quicker. I slowly felt everything calm down and within15 – 20 minutes I was absolutely fine.

As I was watching the show I was thinking about what happened. I realized it has happened at least three times in similar situations. It happened last night. It happened last summer when I saw Darius Rucker at the Borgata and that night it hit just as the lights started flashing, people started screaming and music started pounding. And, it happened when I went to see Joel Osteen in Harrisburg. He was in a sold out Stadium. It was much like a rock concert.

In my younger years, I had these feelings too in some situations. But I assumed it was because I didn’t like large crowds. But, I started realizing it is not anxiety in the traditional sense. It’s over stimulation anxiety. My senses were over stimulated.  A lot of “sensitive/Empathetic people experience this. The emotions of the people surrounding me. The pounding music. The screaming. The strobing lights and being stuck in the middle of a long row with no easy way out. It was all too much for my senses.

My choices are to stay home and not participate in these types of events or I can do so knowing I’ll need Xanax to do it. I had a wonderful time my nieces last night. We made memories and enjoyed a night together away from the rest of family. I was glad I went and glad I had Xanax to rescue me. That’s why Xanax is called a rescue medicine. I’m not too proud to allow myself to be rescued while enjoying life with people I love.

Below are videos from country artists I saw last night. But, “Somewhere With You” by Kenny Chesney is still one of my favs😄👍❤️
———
After finishing this post, I started thinking about how my heart was beating last night. I have a Congential Arrhythmia. It’s innocent but it can be triggered by lifestyle choices. It did feel like I was out of rhythm when it was happening. I googled it. There is some correlations to loud Bass to the electrial impulses of the heart. An arrhythmia is an electrical problem. It has nothing to do with structure, plaque, cholesterol or age. It electrical impulse issue. I have an appointment with my Cardiologist at Penn in Philly for an EKG & checkup on June 17th. I’ll ask him about loud bass sound at concerts and my arrhythmia. Because it makes sense to me. Xanax definitely leveled me out👍

Photo Credit

J

ean-Léon Gérôme 

http://www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com

Loving My Lady Parts

IMG_0383.JPG
The female body is a complicated piece of machinery. And, when a woman gets close to Menopause things really get complicated.

I’ve known for about two years I had a small Ovarian Cyst on my right Ovary. I have Ultrasounds to Check the size and make sure it doesn’t turn into something more serious like a tumor. I haven’t been very worried about it. But I have noticed over the last year that the pain has been worst and first day of my Period has been absolutely brutal. At times I’ve left work midday because I couldn’t sit upright any longer. I pretty much have been suffering through it.

The last two months have been especially bad. Luckily it’s come on Friday nights in recent months so I haven’t had to miss work but I’ve been down for the count the whole weekend. This past week has been especially painful. It’s worse than it was and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

My Gyn’s office has a few doctors and sometimes I don’t always see the Doctor. Instead I get the Nurse Practitioner who is ok. But for this issue I really wanted the Doctor. I saw him today and was quite pleased and relieved. He also notated his file so his staff will know that he only wants me to see him at least until I hit Menopause. Lol✌️😄 He’ll be better able to coordinate my care. There will more continuity with me just seeing him.

As it turns out, he could feel my cyst this time which means it grew. And, he believes Endometriosis is also causing the pain. We scheduled a Pelvic Ultrasound for tomorrow morning before I go to work. Once he sees the results, he’ll know which method of treatment is best for me now.

In the meantime, he gave me a good habit forming😄 narcotic for pain that I can only take at bedtime as needed. Thank God👍 I only need it a few days a month. He also gave me some literature to read on the treatment options. He’s pretty sure he’s going to recommend I take a drug to totally stop my periods until menopause. He wants me read up on the drugs and decide which one I prefer. We will compare our notes after we get the ultrasound results.

The good news is this all goes away when Menopause comes to town. I will only have to take the medicine for a couple of years. I will also be free of pain and I won’t lose two days of my life each month.

I learned a lesson in all of this. Once again I was suffering for months and not seeking help. I was tough it out because that’s what I do. Asking for help always seems to be my last resort. Stubborn just like my Mother. But being stubborn and toughing things out no longer serves me and is holding me back.

I only recently started to speak up and ask for help when I feel I can’t navigate things by myself. It’s not easy for me. If I ask someone for help, I really trust them. That also isn’t easy for me. I’m being called to grow through these experiences. I’m being called to trust, ask for help and believe someone else can help me. Or maybe I’m just trying to find some meaning in this crazy fucked world of mine.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m overall happy in my life. I’m blessed and lucky for everything I have. Just some issues have been frustrating me and I guess I’m done hiding it from everyone. I had to take some kind of action because I reached my limit for bullshit. It is what it is. And, now I have to trust the people who I asked to help me👍😄 It’s all good🙏

Oh, one last thing, my new car arrived. A Red 2015 Honda Fit Ex with Moonroof & Alloy Wheels. I have an appointment to sign & drive tomorrow night👍🚗

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Second Chances – Blue Muse Fine Art

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