Inconvenient Heart

 
“She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply.” ॐ – John Mark Green

I have a lot to say this evening. I’m choking on everything I have to say this evening. It’s just that I can’t get the words out of my chest. They are shoved so far down my throat from me holding them back that they are stuck in my chest. Please bare with me as I write this therapeutic post to give myself some freedom and breath.

I’m “sensitive” and extremely empathetic. I am a good psychic too – when I allow myself to be. I spend a lot of time shutting down energies, voices, vibes and intuitions to have some peace in my life. The noise gets to be too much. I am trying to learn how to use my intuition without getting overwhelmed by all the messages I receive. I know this all may sound strange. Some of you won’t understand. But, this is my reality.

I mention this today because I’m picking up someone with a heart so heavy I want to hug her when I am near her. I picking up someone who is so anxious I have anxiety attacks when I’m near her. I’m picking up strong masculine beautiful energy telling me he needs me more than he can say right now. But mostly, I’m picking up the energy of my sister, Sandy, who passed away 16 years ago.

Sandy is whispering in my ear, “you’re not done yet. Nope, you are not done. Go on. Get up. Come on. Get ready.” She’s pushing at my back and saying, “go, go.” She’s telling me more – more is coming. More is waiting for me. Beautiful things lie ahead for me. It’s confusing. As much as I love her presence, I trying to interpret the message she is delivering to me. Is it about my health, my love life, my career, my family? For now I suppose I’ll just enjoy her being here with me. But for tonight I told her to shut up and go haunt my Mother👻 I need some peace. I’m tired of working and trying so hard. I just need to be….be nothing for a few hours.

I had a good bit of frustration this week. I pretty much reached a breaking point and had to just get stuff off my chest. I didn’t get many answers. But today someone did pull me into a conference room for a follow up conversation that made me feel a little bit better about a professional frustration. I was very grateful for heartfelt conversation we had and now I see the bigger picture. I get it. I also decided to take advantage of some free coaching sessions with a career counselor. I thought talking with an objective third party would be helpful for someone who is goal oriented like me. If for no other reason to affirm I’m in the right place, doing the right work for the right reason. I believe in looking at all areas of my life with a critical eye. It’s time for me to do it professionally. Let me be clear. I’m not unhappy. I like where I work. I like the people I work for. I’m very fortunate and lucky to work where I work. But, I also feel it’s time to stop floating along and set a plan for a destination. Unfortunately, my need for immediately clarity doesn’t align well in my work environment. I hoping I’m not writing about the same frustration a year from now😄

Just because I wasn’t miserable enough this week…I got a surprise visitor. I was rather enjoying not having a period. But, on the flip side maybe the cysts are gone now. I had blood work on Wednesday and almost passed out. They told me to go home and lie down. I had to drink some straight up Coke because my blood sugar crashed. But the good news is the blood tests confirmed I am not Diabetic or even Pre-Diabetic. My Fasting Sugar & a1c are absolutely normal. However, my Glucose crashes into the low 50s 3-5 hours after meals. Therefore, I was diagnosed with Reactive Hypoglycemia. This means: when I eat, my body over-produces Insulin which crashes my blood sugar. Simple Carbs & high Sugar meals cause a greater increase in Insulin resulting a blood sugar crash. Treatment plan: eat or have a snack every 4 to 5 hours & limit simple carbs & sugar. It’s manageable & can be controlled with dietary changes. Reactive hypoglycemia and an increase of Insulin in my body is causing me to struggle to lose weight and is causing gynecological issues too. It’s causing ovarian cysts & missed periods. Crazy when you think of it. My doctor told me three to six months of sticking to the sugar restrictions should be enough time to stabilize my blood sugar. I should notice lots of positive results.

And just because I can’t end this post without an attempt to get some erotic poetry mojo back, MBE looked really cute today. As I was standing next to him looking at him straight in the eye, I thought to myself we look good together and we’re good for each other😉❤️
(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life is best when lived passionately
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Music: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd for Sandy

Rescue me

  
People who are “sensitive” or are Empaths often have trouble being in places that are crowded, with bright lights and loud noises. The energy that is created in those environments can be overwhelming.

Last night I went to see Florida Georgia Line, Thomas Rhett & Frankie Ballard at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, NJ with two of my nieces who are 31 & 32 years old. The concert was sold out and it was crazy crowded. I could feel anxiety growing inside of me all afternoon. I was moving through it and refusing to take Xanax. I was trying to use breath control to release the mounting anxiety. As the music started pounding so did my chest. The screaming, hollering and flashing lights – well, it damn near made me past out from my heart pounding out of my chest. My hands were shaking as I reached into the pill case in my purse to find Xanax.

In my head I went through scenarios as my chest pounded and my head spun. I didn’t tell my nieces anything. But, I was thinking, “what if I pass out? I don’t want to ruin the show for the girls. Should I leave? They are not good in a crisis. Where is the fucking Xanax?.” I found the Xanax. I remember a little trick my doctor taught me about breaking off a piece and putting it under my tongue to get it into the blood stream quicker. I slowly felt everything calm down and within15 – 20 minutes I was absolutely fine.

As I was watching the show I was thinking about what happened. I realized it has happened at least three times in similar situations. It happened last night. It happened last summer when I saw Darius Rucker at the Borgata and that night it hit just as the lights started flashing, people started screaming and music started pounding. And, it happened when I went to see Joel Osteen in Harrisburg. He was in a sold out Stadium. It was much like a rock concert.

In my younger years, I had these feelings too in some situations. But I assumed it was because I didn’t like large crowds. But, I started realizing it is not anxiety in the traditional sense. It’s over stimulation anxiety. My senses were over stimulated.  A lot of “sensitive/Empathetic people experience this. The emotions of the people surrounding me. The pounding music. The screaming. The strobing lights and being stuck in the middle of a long row with no easy way out. It was all too much for my senses.

My choices are to stay home and not participate in these types of events or I can do so knowing I’ll need Xanax to do it. I had a wonderful time my nieces last night. We made memories and enjoyed a night together away from the rest of family. I was glad I went and glad I had Xanax to rescue me. That’s why Xanax is called a rescue medicine. I’m not too proud to allow myself to be rescued while enjoying life with people I love.

Below are videos from country artists I saw last night. But, “Somewhere With You” by Kenny Chesney is still one of my favs😄👍❤️
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After finishing this post, I started thinking about how my heart was beating last night. I have a Congential Arrhythmia. It’s innocent but it can be triggered by lifestyle choices. It did feel like I was out of rhythm when it was happening. I googled it. There is some correlations to loud Bass to the electrial impulses of the heart. An arrhythmia is an electrical problem. It has nothing to do with structure, plaque, cholesterol or age. It electrical impulse issue. I have an appointment with my Cardiologist at Penn in Philly for an EKG & checkup on June 17th. I’ll ask him about loud bass sound at concerts and my arrhythmia. Because it makes sense to me. Xanax definitely leveled me out👍

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J

ean-Léon Gérôme 

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Loving My Lady Parts

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The female body is a complicated piece of machinery. And, when a woman gets close to Menopause things really get complicated.

I’ve known for about two years I had a small Ovarian Cyst on my right Ovary. I have Ultrasounds to Check the size and make sure it doesn’t turn into something more serious like a tumor. I haven’t been very worried about it. But I have noticed over the last year that the pain has been worst and first day of my Period has been absolutely brutal. At times I’ve left work midday because I couldn’t sit upright any longer. I pretty much have been suffering through it.

The last two months have been especially bad. Luckily it’s come on Friday nights in recent months so I haven’t had to miss work but I’ve been down for the count the whole weekend. This past week has been especially painful. It’s worse than it was and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

My Gyn’s office has a few doctors and sometimes I don’t always see the Doctor. Instead I get the Nurse Practitioner who is ok. But for this issue I really wanted the Doctor. I saw him today and was quite pleased and relieved. He also notated his file so his staff will know that he only wants me to see him at least until I hit Menopause. Lol✌️😄 He’ll be better able to coordinate my care. There will more continuity with me just seeing him.

As it turns out, he could feel my cyst this time which means it grew. And, he believes Endometriosis is also causing the pain. We scheduled a Pelvic Ultrasound for tomorrow morning before I go to work. Once he sees the results, he’ll know which method of treatment is best for me now.

In the meantime, he gave me a good habit forming😄 narcotic for pain that I can only take at bedtime as needed. Thank God👍 I only need it a few days a month. He also gave me some literature to read on the treatment options. He’s pretty sure he’s going to recommend I take a drug to totally stop my periods until menopause. He wants me read up on the drugs and decide which one I prefer. We will compare our notes after we get the ultrasound results.

The good news is this all goes away when Menopause comes to town. I will only have to take the medicine for a couple of years. I will also be free of pain and I won’t lose two days of my life each month.

I learned a lesson in all of this. Once again I was suffering for months and not seeking help. I was tough it out because that’s what I do. Asking for help always seems to be my last resort. Stubborn just like my Mother. But being stubborn and toughing things out no longer serves me and is holding me back.

I only recently started to speak up and ask for help when I feel I can’t navigate things by myself. It’s not easy for me. If I ask someone for help, I really trust them. That also isn’t easy for me. I’m being called to grow through these experiences. I’m being called to trust, ask for help and believe someone else can help me. Or maybe I’m just trying to find some meaning in this crazy fucked world of mine.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m overall happy in my life. I’m blessed and lucky for everything I have. Just some issues have been frustrating me and I guess I’m done hiding it from everyone. I had to take some kind of action because I reached my limit for bullshit. It is what it is. And, now I have to trust the people who I asked to help me👍😄 It’s all good🙏

Oh, one last thing, my new car arrived. A Red 2015 Honda Fit Ex with Moonroof & Alloy Wheels. I have an appointment to sign & drive tomorrow night👍🚗

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(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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Second Chances – Blue Muse Fine Art

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