Self Care Sunday – Being A Balanced Introvert

Archangel Raphael

I’ve had a busy week. I had commitments every night after work which means no time to write. Today, which is Saturday, was the first day I was able to relax and daydream a bit.

day dream

I walked five miles this morning because my body always feels better when I move. I also enjoy walking around town and seeing what’s going on in the neighborhood. I love to walk because I feel lighter after I shake off the old stagnant stressful energy I often absorb from others during the week. Walking is cleansing for me.

After I walked five miles, I went my local coffee shop for an iced coffee. A group of multi-cultural kids around ten years old were at the table next to me playing Chess♟ It was really cool to watch young kids mixed nationalities, girls and boys, taking turns playing the winner at Chess. I don’t even know how to play Chess🤣 That’s why I love Ventnor Coffee in Ventnor, NJ. It’s a local coffee shop with eclectic people. It has a very warm small town vibe. Check it out if you are in town. After my iced coffee watching the Chess game, I spent most of the afternoon at pool reading magazines and listen to music.

I tend to lean towards being an Introvert. I could go days – seriously DAYS – without needing or wanting to speak to anyone. However, I do try to remember to call my 80 year old mother even when I am in hermit mode so I can be sure she is ok. But, I am completely comfortable in my own company. I enjoy solitude. Silence is beautiful…Shhh

INFJ

One of reasons I’ve become more introverted in recent years is that I hate small talk. Small talk feels like poking myself in the eye 🤣In recent years, I started honoring my need for authentic interactions instead of engaging in small talk. The truth is I would rather talk to fewer people and truly connect with someone on a deeper level than interact with more people on a surface level. Another reason I’ve become more introverted is that my intuition (my internal bullshit detector) has strengthened. I’ve learned to protect myself a bit from being to too empathetic with people. I am sensitive to the emotional well-being of others and sometimes it can be draining for me.  But the biggest reason I am more introverted these days is because I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I no longer need to fill the quiet moments with noise. I no longer need acceptance or validation from anyone. I am completely and authentically comfortable with who I am now. I don’t need noise to distract me anymore.

Yes, I am enjoy my alone time but too much alone time isn’t healthy for anyone. As part of my self care, I’ve been opening myself up to more social activities in recent weeks. I’ve been working to find the right balance of activities that afford me opportunities to socialize comfortably while also maintaining proper boundaries.

Speaking of socializing…I attended a friend’s husband’s funeral on Thursday. I went to the services and spent three hours with friends at the luncheon but I opted to come home after the luncheon instead of going back to my friend’s house. When she asked me why I wasn’t coming back to the house, I said, “Are you kidding? I’ve talked more today that I have in a week. My jaw hurts.” The other reason I left is…that group of friends are hard core Fox News Watching Republicans😳 Well, folks who read my blog know I am an immigrant loving liberal democrat✌️My great grandmother was an immigrant from Mexico; what’s happening at the USA/Mexico border to migrants is stressing me out and making me sick to my stomach. While most folks were well behaved on Thursday, I wanted to leave before they all got too drunk and started picking fights with me. I am trying to open myself up a bit and socialize more but it is also essential I take care of myself by honoring my need to withdraw once I’ve reached my social limit.

empaths

Other news from this week is…I am still waiting on the paperwork for my new job to finalize. While it’s all approved by Management, Human Resources had to revisit my Security Clearance for the new gig. That takes time. Hopefully, it should be done soon. On another note, I am looking forward to reconnecting with Blue Love in the future🥰 He is always in my thoughts. I 💙 his pretty blue eyes😍🔥

If you need Angelic Support this week, Archangel Raphael is a great healer 😇

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Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Love Over Fear

For those who follow planetary activity, Mercury Retrograde ends on December 6th. Mercury Retrograde is usually time of miscommunications, technology snafus, missed connections and sticky contract issues. Many feel you shouldn’t sign contracts or make major purchases during the Retrograde. This can also be a time that the past comes back for reflections when we are presented a choice to go back or go move forward.

I look at the past differently now that I look at it through a lens of self care and self love. When I reflect on the past these days, I can see when not taking care of myself and not loving myself enough led me to make poor choices or perhaps put me in a position to accept less than I wanted or deserved.

Relationships with men have always been a complicated and sticky area of my life. Mostly because every relationship I’ve been in has been clouded by unresolved pain, grief and loss from the death of my father at the age of seven. I never really allowed myself to grieve properly for that loss for many years. My relationships were also clouded by a lack of trust that stayed with me after sex assaults by a family member when I was older which led to a fear of intimacy from constant heartbreaks and disappointments.

For a long time, I blamed the men who were in my life. I was the victim and our unsuccessful relationships were their fault and responsibility. In fairness, it is true that a few of them hurt me so deeply that they deserved the blame but as I’ve healed from my past traumas I can see there were a couple of good ones. As I stand here now, I can see I pushed away the good ones because I was too damaged, at that time, to be able to accept their love and attention. I never felt worthy. That’s a powerful awareness to have about oneself. The depth of self-sabotage I’ve done in my relationships is hard to look now that I am “healed” but it’s also something I can no longer turn away from or repress. I must look at that ugly truth. I must look at it to heal it.

Something has changed in me in the last year. Perhaps it’s finally having the courage to touch the pain of sexual assault by someone who was supposed to protect me that opened me up to healing. Maybe it’s finally learning how to take care of myself that brought about the new me. Maybe it was falling in love with myself that finally allowed me to let go of my past that changed me. It’s been quite roller coaster of emotions for me the last year but one I feel I needed to ride. In going on this emotional ride, I’ve gained some freedom and let go of burdens that really were not mine to carry.

I once again almost ran into a old flame last night in the grocery store. This time was different. I saw him looking at produce; he had his head down. I backed away and walked on by. I didn’t avoid him because I hate him. I didn’t avoid him because I blame him. I didn’t avoid him because he hurt me. I avoided him because we just were not good for each other and there is no reason to open old wounds for either one of us. I walked on by because it was best for my well-being to maintain a distance. There’s no anger in my heart towards him but there is love in my heart now… Self Love. I loved myself enough to choose to not engage with him.

I am more concerned about my relationship with myself these days than anyone else so no one should interpret this post to mean I am “looking”. I am not “looking”. I am just saying it’s nice to feel unburdened and hopeful after so many years of living with repressed trauma. I am lighter, better, healthier and happier now than ever before. Looking at my past traumas and being willing to sit with the pain was an act of self love that I am grateful I finally allowed myself accept and honor. A “Course In Miracles” says, “A Miracle is choosing LOVE over fear!” I guess you can say I’ve been blessed by a Miracle.

How have you loved yourself lately? Can you truly love yourself with enough openness to accept the love you deserve and are worthy of receiving? Are you willing to touch your deepest pain to feel deep true love again? Can you choose LOVE over fear and be blessed by a Miracle?

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Love over fear

Self Care Sunday – Are You In The Arena?

Theodore Roosevelt quote

I am a lifelong learner. I am intellectually curious. I crave knowledge. I consider myself a student of life. I am a risk taker. As Theodore Roosevelt says, “I am in the arena”; I show up in life.

Self Care for me includes personal growth, professional development, self exploration and learning from every person I meet. Every situation I am in presents me an opportunity for deeper self awareness and knowledge. Since I am an eager “student”, I am always looking for online courses to take, lectures to attend, mentors to work with and books to read. If you’ve got something to teach me, I am willing to learn from you.

A few years ago, my boss at the time recommended I read “Your Intention Difference” by Ken Tucker, Todd Hahn and Shane Roberson. In the book, you work through exercises that help to identify reoccurring themes in your life and then associated that theme with one word. That word becomes your ID Word and represents the dominant theme in your life or it’s your Intentional Difference. My ID Word is growth. It was really enlightening to read this book and see this in myself. While I always knew I was growth oriented, I never really thought about making decisions so I intentionally put myself in situation where I could grow; it just happened. That’s an amazing piece of self awareness that has changed my life. Since reading that book, I now intentionally make choices that honor my need for growth in all areas of my life.

I changed a lot in the last few years. I’ve changed because I intentionally focused on putting myself in situations where I would have room to grow and stretch; I put myself in situation that honored the truth of who I am. For example, I returned to school to become an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach in 2017; I wanted to learn how to take better care of myself. When I interviewed for my current job, the interview panel asked “Why are you interested in this job?” I said, “Because GROWTH is my ID Word and this seems like the perfect opportunity to stretch and grow”.

Having a growth mind-set and being willing to learn from everyone has been very beneficial in my life, especially in my career. As I’ve been exposed to different people and situations, I’ve been able to learn from each person I encountered then use that knowledge in work situations. For example, a few years ago a coworker was working on redesigning websites in SharePoint. I had no idea how to use SharePoint let alone build a website it in but she needed help and was willing to teach me. I became her student and learned everything she was willing to teach me. In the last few weeks, I’ve been building a website in SharePoint using the skills she taught me. I sent the development site to a few managers for a concept review.

OH MY GOD! So much positive feedback; it blew me away. They didn’t know I could design websites and I didn’t know they need someone who understands SharePoint. My stock went up again this week😂 I am finishing the design and development in the next week or so. I demo it for our “Big Cheese” in early November and then I’ll start socializing it in staff meetings and webinars through the end of the year.

Professionally, growth and development will be my main concern as my temporary assignment at work starts to wrap up in the coming months. I am reminding myself “GROWTH” is my ID Word. I will be evaluating my professional options according to my need for growth and development. I am cautiously optimistic that my current organization is working to find a way for me to stay permanently. Things take a long time where I work so I am still waiting on the dust to settle but we have time to work thing out. The bottom line is I believe there is more room for me to stretch and grow in this organization than the one I worked in formerly but I am trying to keep my mind open. For now, I will pray God puts me where he needs me the most and I pray I am in a position where I can do the most good. I will trust everything is always working out for my highest good.

Since I deactivated Facebook 26 days ago and I have been been limiting my Twitter time, I’ve been reading more. I am now reading “Dare To Lead” from Brene Brown. I’ve read a couple of her books already and I just love her style. I love the way she talks about vulnerability and shame. I especially love how this book reflects on how leaders who are empathetic and vulnerable are actually the strongest. It’s a great read for anyone –especially leaders. If you don’t like to read, it’s also available as an audiobook.

Dare To Lead

Lastly, I suppose worrying about my stomach biopsy & the appointment at Jeff Gastro took it’s toll me the last few days. A mother of migraine hit me early Thursday morning. While I went to work on Thursday, I was in a lot of pain by the time I got home. I took the meds but it was past the point of return. I vomited all Thursday night from and pain and have been taking the meds every six hours which means I haven’t been able to leave the house or drive because they make me sleepy. I guess it’s not all bad. I’ve been enjoying reading and enjoying the rest. It finally broke Saturday afternoon.

My question this Self Care Sunday is are you in the arena or sitting on the sidelines?

I am in the arena. I like being vulnerable and taking risks. As Brene says, “If you are not also in the arena getting your ass kicked, I am NOT interested in your feedback! If you are in the arena getting your ass kicked, I am open to your feedback and insights!”

(C) 2018 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

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In My Dreams

Dream art

I had a wonderful dream on Monday night 😊 It was so vivid and clear that I could have sworn it was happening in real life. Around 2:30am on Tuesday Morning I had the below dream…

I walked into a room and found BlueLove sleeping. He was on his back with one arm over his head. I kissed his cheek and said, “Wake up, I’m here. It’s time to wake up.” He was startled when he opened his eyes. He slowly sat up in the bed with more or less a “WTF is going on” look on his face. He looked extremely confused and oh so cute with bed head. As he rubbed his eyes and shook his head, he looked at me and asked me “Where am I?” I said, “You are with me. You needed me. So I am here. Do you want me to get you anything!” In his grouchy morning voice, “YES! COFFEE; I need Coffee!” 😂😂☕️ I started laughing and replied, “You want me to make you coffee NOW?” He said, “Yes!” 😂 We exchanged a few other cryptic sentences in the dream which I won’t get into. Then I kissed his forehead, told him I loved him and went to go make him coffee. The dream ended with me walking away 🤔

Any professional Dream Intrepretors want to take crack at this one? I will say it’s interesting because it felt so real. His expressions were so real and him being grouchy before coffee was absolutely perfect 😂😂 Well, he wasn’t actually so much grouchy as he was confused and had no idea where he was with me😂 After I woke up, I had to wonder. You see, I believe it’s possible for people who share a deep spiritual connection to communicate subconsiously in dream state and in reality. Perhaps we did need each other and found each other in our subconscious while we were sleeping💙 In this particular dream, it seems I was sent to reassure him and calm him. It also seemed like he was brought to show me he can hear me when my heart talks to him. Who knows, maybe it was just dream…

This all made me think about dreams vs. reality. I’ve always been a dreamer, an idealist. My family would often joke that I was off chasing rainbows. I never felt like I was chasing rainbows. I truly believe the human heart and human mind are very powerful. I believe we can create amazing things in this world and our life by harnessing the power within ourselves. That’s what the last few years have been about me. I’ve been working to harness my own personal power. Every change I’ve made in the last few years has been about finding the best within me. Every decision I made, every friendship I stepped away from, every relationship I ended, every professional decision I’ve made has been making me stronger, better and wiser. While friends and coworkers say I’ve changed, the truth isn’t that I’ve changed – it’s that I’ve grown.

I’ve been relying upon intuiton more than logic to make decisions lately. I was getting signs that it was time to figure out where I am going after my temporary assignment is complete in February. I applied for a job one pay band higher in the Organization I am working in now. I made the referral list that went to the Managers😊 I did have an interview. It was good but it’s not a great fit for either of us. They prefer someone based at HQ and I don’t want to move. I actually only applied to see if I was qualified to get on the higher payband referrral list – and I was 😊 That’s been helpful. So two other opportunities came up but they will both take some time to be worked out. That actually works out fine because I still have get some advance testing on my stomach since my biopsies came back suspicious but not conclusive. I go to Jeff on 10/24. Having a delay at work will actually give time to do all that and have everything figured out before my temp assignment is done. In the meantime, I will trust everything is always working out for my highest; the love I give is returned 💙🦋

I am sharing Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” because it’s one of my favorite songs. It’s a song about dreams vs. reality. It talks about how a dreamer looks at the world versus how a realist looks at the world. I am definitely a dreamer.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

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Growing Up Sexy

Blue Love Art

I have a pretty face and a sexy body.  My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body.  My body is not skinny nor is it fat.  It is womanly, voluptuous.  I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.

Growing up sexy has not always been easy.  When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol.  I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog.  I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.

I have been seeing a therapist for over five years.  My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.

As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered.  Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars.  Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.

Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man.  When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry.  Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.

Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”.  Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.

Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance.  How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.

In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me.  However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.

I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection.  We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.

While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future.  I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.

This is not a #metoo post.  This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women.   I enjoyed being sexy all of my life.  I still enjoy being sexy.  I like that men look at me.  I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body.  I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable.  I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy.  It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.

This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us.  It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love.  It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden.   A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed.  A burden I am ready to hopefully release.

In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself.  I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me.  At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.

With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.

If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.

Here’s an article I found helpful on PTSD
https://www.gracepointwellness.org/109-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

😘

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Self Care Sunday – Looking Out For Yourself And Others

Art

It’s Self Care Sunday. How have you taken care of yourself this week? Have you moved your body physically and made it stronger? Have you enforced and maintained boundaries in your relationships? Have you protected your spiritual alignment by choosing to be with folks who are good for you? Have you taken advantage of opportunities in your career to set yourself up for future? Or did you slow down and allow yourself a day to rest your body and mind? I did all of these things this week.

God proved to me this morning he puts you exactly where you need to be. It’s up to us to be awareness and alignment so we can see when he is asking us to take action. I was walking early this morning. I walked a different route than I normally do today when a frantic elderly Indian woman came up to me. She was sweating, panicked, holding an umbrella and her purse. She handed me her cell phone and phone book. I couldn’t understand much of what she was saying but I could tell she wanted me to talk to someone on the phone. After hesitating for a moment, I took the phone and said hello. The guy on the other end told me she got lost because she got of the Jitney bus at the wrong street. He asked me to point her in the direction of his home which was about three blocks from where we were. She was panicked. It’s really hot today and I was bit worried about her. After I hung up, I decided to turn around and walk her to her at least to the street her Son lived on. When she saw his house, she must have said thank you to me over a hundred times. Honestly, I couldn’t understand anything else she was saying to me. She hugged me and was smiling ear to ear. The amount of relief, happiness and peace I could see in her face made it totally worth me turning around and escorting her so she didn’t get lost again. I am sharing this story just to encourage folks to look out for each other. Use your instincts and intuition. You don’t always need to understand someone’s words to know when they are in distress. After doing a quick assessment of the situation, I trusted my intuition and knew God was asking me to her. I said, “YES”!

I had my last PT appointment on my SI Joint, IT Band and foot earlier this week. The therapist and I agreed it is not healed yet. I am not ready for yoga yet. However, my work schedule and travel schedule has my calendar screwed up. My therapist worked my leg pretty hard and gave me the home exercises to do in the gym. I am trying this for a month to see if I can strengthen it on my own. With that said, I don’t usually go to the gym on Sundays. Since I was down for the count Friday night and Saturday with a migraine, I went to the gym today and walked three miles today to get back on schedule. I am committed to getting back to yoga and making my body stronger. On another note, I wore my highest high heels for the first time since rolling my ankle & breaking my foot. It was time to get back on the horse and wear high heels again😊I wore high platform sandals. I will say I was a little nervous & extremely careful 😂 I was ok👍

In recent weeks, two men from my past have been in my experience. One has been trying to re-establish contact and I ran into the other one at the grocery store; I completely ignored him. I am writing about this here just in case either one of them (older or younger guy) is reading my blog. I want to make things crystal clear without having any direct contact with either one of them. There is nothing here for either one of them. NOTHING! I am not interested in reengaging with either one of them and I have no feelings for either one of them. Let’s just leave things in the past where they belong. Those relationships were not good for me back then and I am not interested in revisiting them now. I wish both men well. I have no hard feelings. The point of me writing this is to say I actually have no feelings – at all – for either one. Again, I am only putting this on my blog in this post just in case one of them, younger or older guy) is reading my blog. The Blue Love poetry collection is not written for either one of them. Neither one of them is the inspiration for my poetry. It’s really that simple. Blue Love is a man who is good for me. My connection with him is healthy. He’s taught me how a man should treat a woman. While he desires me, he also respects me. Whatever happens in our future, he helped me grow. He helped me see I deserve better than what I accepted in the past. So, I am enforcing boundaries and not allowing men from my past who were not good for me to return into my life. Once again, I am thankful to Blue Love for looking at me with the beautiful blue eyes of love and helping me to know I deserve better. Thank You Blue Love.

I woke up at 2:00am on Friday morning with a migraine. When I get migraines, they usually start in the middle of night. I have medication. I usually get up, take the meds and go back to bed for a couple of hours. Usually by the time I wake up, it’s gone. This one wasn’t. While I was functional on Friday, I was still in pain. I came home around 4pm and gave into the headache. I knew it was going to take a few cycles of meds for it to go away. I pulled the shades, curled up in bed, watched tv and slept most of Saturday. The headache was gone when I woke up this morning. I think the headaches are prompted by jaw tightness and TMJ. My jaw was popping a lot last week and I was eating chewy stuff more than I should. Instead of pushing through it, I surrendered yesterday and rested. I allowed my mind and body to slow down. I took care of myself.

Sometimes self care is more tactical; it’s about actually physically taking care of yourself. Other times it’s more about enforcing boundaries. For me, it’s also been about learning I deserve better than I what I accepted and expected in the past. I am happy where I am now. I am happy with how I have grown and woman I have become in recent years. Folks who knew me seven, ten or fifteen years ago, really don’t know me at all anymore.  I am also eagerly looking forward to more – so much more in the future. I am looking forward to surrounding myself with people who are good for me like Blue Love. I am thankful and grateful for all of my blessings. I am happy for the love in my heart and good the people kind souls who are in my life.  I am happy and grateful.
(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Catalyst Of Growth ~ Love, Sex And Poetry 

Catalyst Of Growth ~ Love, Sex And Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

Can you
Let go
And love
A little deeper
Can you
Crack your
Heart open
A little wider
To let
In the sun
Of my love
And use my love
As your catalyst
Of growth
Can you
Sit with
Your pain
Heartbreak and loss
Without trying
To hide it
From yourself
Can you
Shine love
Into the darkest
Part of your soul
And let
Someone brand new
Rise from
The ashes of destruction
Can you
Allow yourself
To feel the
Warmth of my love
And source
Your own growth
Through my light
Do you love me
Unconditionally
Without
Expectations or attachment
Can you
Use me
As mirror
Into your soul
And dig a
Little deeper
To find
The softest spot
That needs healing
Will you grow
And rise with me
In love
And
Claim the love
That is given
To you freely
You are
My catalyst
Of growth
And change
I’ve grown
Because I love you
Will you
Grow with me
Will you
Share this
Catalyst of growth
With me
I love you love
Unconditionally

(C) 2017 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

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Life Is Best When Lived Passionately

NOTE:
The below commentary goes along with this poem. One of the underpinnings of the Integrative Nutrition course I am studying is Primary Food. Primary Food is what nourishes and sustains a person in life such as: Exercise, Spirituality, Career and Relationships. Being balanced and nourished in the Primary aspects of life is essential for wellness. The actual food on the plate is considered a Secondary Source of nourishment in the Integrative Nutrition world.

Recently, our class was given an assignment to reflect on the health of our relationships and we were asked to identify opportunities for growth and development. Through this exercise I was able to see that I’ve grown and healed on a very deep level in the last year through my relationship and connection with a man I refer to as “Blue Love”.

It was clear to me from the first moments our eyes locked that our connection was about more than just a sexual connection. Intuitively I knew there was something spiritual simmering under the erotic undertones between us. It wasn’t until last year when he took a temporary assignment out of town and we were separated that I found myself coming face to face with my abandonment issues, fear of loss and pain that I buried deep in my soul.

The first few months he was gone were emotional chaos for me. Old hurts, painful memories of loss and buried heartaches came to surface. Something about the void I felt in his absence made everything feel more intense. I became anxious, clingy and eventually depressed. I was depressed because I couldn’t believe his absence was triggering this deep emotional response in me. I understood what was happening in me was a call to healing. I was being called to sit with my fear of loss and abandonment. I was being asked to let him go and focus what happening within myself so I could heal.

In that moment of complete depression and rawness, I realized I was attached to him. My “attachment” to him was spiritually unhealthy for me and him. Attachment isn’t love. Attachment comes with expectations, clinginess and possessiveness. For years I’ve spoken about unconditional love. Yet, it wasn’t until I clearly saw I was attached in an unhealthy way to “Blue Love” that I realized that I wasn’t loving him or myself unconditionally. I was trying to hold on to him and to the part of us that changed. I was making myself anxious worrying about what he would choose next and if I would be a part of his plans or if he even still cared about me. My “attachment” was blocking my ability to let go. My attachment was blocking my ability to truly love him or myself.

In the last year “Blue Love” has continued to explore his professional options. While we continue to be physically separated something changed in me over the last year. In allowing myself to feel the pain of my separation from him I brought other repressed pain to the surface for healing. By sitting in the middle of all of my shit, loss, pain and abandonment issues I awakened my inner Healer and mended pieces of my heart that were broken a long time ago. In learning to let go of my “attachment” to “Blue Love”, I found a new deeper truer love for him as well as myself.

By healing myself on such a deep emotional level, I also awakened spiritually and started embracing my soul’s true calling to be a “Healer”. I found the courage to face illness with strength and self love instead of fear and self pity. In choosing to love him and myself truly unconditionally, freely without expectations or attachments, I let go of all fear and broke myself open to profound growth in all areas of my life.

“Blue Love” is still in my life. I am very grateful for our relationship and our connection. It is clear to me now he was put into my life to help me grow spiritually. I was meant to learn how to truly love myself and others unconditionally through my relationship with him. He is truly a “soulmate” and maybe even a “Twin Flame.” For that I am forever grateful.

So, I ask you now to reflect on the quality of your relationships. Are there any opportunities to growth, self awareness? Can you let go and love a little deeper? Are you attached or in unconditional love? What is your opportunity for growth in the Relationship aspect of your Primary Food?

 

Our Truth Is Love ~ Love, Sex And Poetry

Our Truth Is Love ~ Love, Sex And Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

We are
In this
Together
It seems
We are
In this
Together
God
Intersected our
Paths
A few years ago
Allowing us
To form a bond
A strong bond
So we
Would be together
At this time
To help
Each other
Move through
Transitions and
Make choices
To ultimately
Know
Deep spiritual
Love
I can’t say
I honestly
Know what
The future holds
For us
While I’m intuitive
We both have
Free will
To choose a
Different path
Perhaps an
Easier path
Would be
More appealing
Than navigating
Through
The complex
Circumstances
We find ourselves
Perhaps
Fulfilling the expectations
Of those around us
Would be easier
Than living
Our truth
Our joint truth
Maybe letting go
Of each other
Would be less challenging
Than accepting
Our truth
Our joint truth
That we
Are in this love
Together
Honestly
I never liked
The easy path
And certainly
I am not letting go
Of you or our love
If you are still
Holding
Onto me and us
We are
In this together
Rest your
Weary mind
My love
Our love
Our connection
Is here
To stay
It’s our truth
Our truth
Is Love
(C) 2017 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

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Life is best when lived passionately

Peaceful Connection – Love, Sex & Poetry

Stephan_Abel_Sinding_Tutt'Art@_(44)Peaceful Connection – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

The journey
Is yours to walk
I can’t walk it for you
Relying upon senses
My soul
Feels you need reassurance
I offer you comfort
Rising up
My senses proclaim your name
Waiting for you
Is the comfort
Of my body and soul
Peacefully waiting
On the other side
For you
My body
Will be your haven
A resting place
Where you will
Find nourishment
My soul will sustain you
Here
On the shores
Of my
Voluptuous breasts
Is passion for you
It is nestled in the
Warm center of hips
Wet with desire
Aroused with anticipation
Of the moment
You claim your place
Between my legs
And I hold you
In depths of our connection
I want you to
To breathe
Without gasping
To touch
Without hesitating
To be alive
Without holding back
Joyfully alive
In this place of surrender
The peace within me
Will sustain you
Without really understanding
Why my soul
Writes these words today
I know it is drawn to yours
I acknowledge
The magnetic force of our attraction
And honor the call of my soul
Without really knowing
Why intuitive notions
Beckon me today
To make this promise
To you
I trust the calling of my soul
And pen these words
As an outpouring
From my soul to yours
The peace within me
Will support and comfort you
The peace within me
Will be
The peace within you
Our peaceful connection
Waits for you
(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

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NOTE:
Once again words sprung out of me like someone opened a fire hydrant. Intuitive calling? I don’t know. But, I spent my 1/2 hour lunch honoring my soul’s calling to write this.

Photo Credit:
Stephan Sinding

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Sensual Conspiracy – Love, Sex & Poetry

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Sensual Conspiracy – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

A flash
An intense flash
Brought you
To the front of my mind
I paused
And welcomed you
To my experience
I was uplifted by
Your energy
Traveling to me
Almost seeking
Me for comfort
And needing a little peace
I drifted in and out
Of the conversations around me
But you still remained
I would rather feel you
Than talk to them
I returned to the
Reality before me yet
Still felt you in my experience
I may have smiled
For a moment
When you flashed
Onto the screen of my mind
I allowed myself
To close my eyes
Breathe deep and
Give you
The reassurance you needed
Yes, I am here
Rooting myself in intuition
And instinctual notions
I opened my heart wide
For you to see me relax
Into the erratic rhythm that is only mine
But I open for you to see
You found me In your
Mind’s eye waiting for you
Sensing you needed me
I allowed my mind
To be the place
You refresh yourself
Trusting in what can’t
Be seen with an eye
Believing what can’t
Be touch with our hands
But trusting
In the connection we share
A connection that
Grows with time
Crossing dimensions
As spiritual as it is sexual
Stirring my body
Igniting my mind
Yet bringing a feeling of peace
That only comes with
The trust
There is safety
Between us
As your soul
Finds mine through
The distance
I ground myself
To offer calm relaxed energy to you
My spirit wants to
Be your soft place to land
I feel you need
A haven
A place of compassion and peace
Let me be the playground of your desires
As we move between
Our intuitive dialogs
And physical reality
I find myself
Increasingly more comfortable
In acknowledging
There is something remarkable
And rare happening between us
As the points of connection
Grow for us
I find it even more important
To keep our interactions private
To protect what is just ours
From the intrusion of others
And keep it separate from
Our other reality
While I don’t know
Where this journey will take us
I recognize my soul
As a willing conspirator to yours
In our ever growing connection
That blends spirit, intellect and sexual attraction.
It’s a sensual conspiracy
(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

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Note:
I am having a Strong “Secret flirtation” vibe today👍😉💋😘

Photo Credit

H Momo Zhou, 1981 ~ Figurative painter

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