Absolute Beauty Of Life – Daily Prompt

The Absolute Beauty Of Life

I feel something rising up in me lately. It’s almost like I am breaking through something. Maybe an old paradigm is being broken. Perhaps an old way of thinking is no longer working for me. Maybe a heart once guarded is putting down the shield. The only thing I know for sure is whatever is happening to me is for my highest good. It is good. This I know to be true. I feel it. I sense it. It’s taking me to the very center of my soul. That is absolute beauty.

The other day I found myself bursting into tears as I as driving. As I took a moment to dry my eyes, I realized they were happy tears. I realized I was feeling something profoundly beautiful. I knew something was healed inside of me. I also knew what I was feeling scared the crap out of me. But, it was comforting like a long lost friend returned. It was that moment I knew whatever is rising up in me is good. It’s very good. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I find myself having these profound moments lately where I feel…I feel things intensely. Tears come to my eyes and I have to pause and feel whatever it is. At first, these moments were unsettling. They made me feel vulnerable and weak. In recent weeks I am learning these moments, these emotionally charged moments, are me with all barriers stripped away. In these moments of honesty, truth and vulnerability I see myself clearly. It’s good. It’s very good. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I know people who live life in an illusion. They live in mini-mansions and they are surrounded with superficial happiness. They have all the things they were told would make them happy. Yet, they still don’t know peace. They still feel empty. They still know something is missing. I lived the same way until a few years ago. Illness and a painful end of a relationship pushed me into change. It was in the separation from people, a lifestyle and way of thinking that I found freedom. Without letting go and trusting my intuition I would not be open to life the way I am now. When everything is stripped away there are no illusions. It’s a wonderful time to start everything fresh. It’s the perfect time to welcome truth into your life. Pain was a teacher for me. I chose to heed the wisdom and respect what I was feeling instinctually. That is absolutely beautiful.

Today the deeper I allow my soul to the dive into this sea of emotions and feelings the more I feel my potential blossoming like a flower. It’s opening me in new more beautiful ways with each passing day. I feel my heart opening again. My mind is welcoming new thoughts and ideas. My world is expanding with possibilities and I am embracing my natural capabilities. I am finally embracing my God-given “giftedness” instead of holding back or hiding it. Self-acceptance is absolute beauty.

With all of these wonderful changes also comes a greater ability to discern what and who is good for me. Although I am somewhat open on my blog, I am actually quiet, introverted and pensive in real life. I need people who respect that. Although I am intense, romantic and passionate, I don’t show that side to everyone. If you are lucky enough to experience my intense passionate side, keep it to yourself and cherish the gift I am giving you. I don’t share that with everyone. Even though I am emotional and driven to know myself on the deepest levels, it is not essential for some people in my everyday life to know this aspect of me. Mostly, I know now that I need people who aren’t overwhelmed or intimidated by my intensity. I also like people who aren’t afraid to go where their soul calls them even if it means giving something up today to have something better tomorrow. Knowing you deserve the best in life and not accepting less is absolute beauty.

Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” is one of my go-to songs when I am feeling the intensity of life. It’s funny because I do really feel like I’ve seen both side now. I know now that I would rather be where I am today and be the woman I am today than where I was three years ago.
(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

Photo Credit:
Charlene Van Den Eng

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The Fall – Love, Sex & Poetry


The Fall – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

You’re taunting me
Teasing me
I’m trying to
Resist the flow
Of sexual energies
That is rising
I tell myself to
I force myself
To remain
Because I know
If I let go
I may let
All the way go
And act
On the impulses
My body has
When you
Hover around me
Taunting me
I swear you are
Taunting me
Teasing me
It’s our game
Of seduction
Sexual tensions
Bubbling just
Under the surface
I try to maintain
My sensibilities
But you taunt me
I love it
I love the way
You play with me
I would not care if I lost myself
It in a private moment
With you
I hold it back tightly
When others are near
I have to maintain
A little distance
But you play with me
You devilishly play with me
They can’t see
They can’t know
But I know you are
Playing with me
Teasing me
I feel it
Oh dear God
I’ve fallen for you
Loosening my grip
On the words
I feel the sensation
Roll over my body
I’m falling
I’m falling all the way
I don’t want to stop
I love the way you tease me
You haven’t said
It’s time yet
So I must
Pull myself back
And maintain some distance
As you circle around me
The words pop
Out in my thoughts
I whisper
I’m falling for you
Damn you
Taunting me
Dragging the thoughts
Of sex and desire
Right out of me
In the middle of a conversation
I swear you hear me
When I think sometimes
Synced up
Into each other’s minds
Do you see me falling into
Your beautiful eyes?
Do you feel me
Falling onto your chest
After sex?
Do you catch me
When I fall
All the way for you?
When I fall
All the way
Into your heart
You arouse me
Teasing me
Will you catch me
When I fall for you?
I’m falling
I’ve fallen
For you
(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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This Post was written for Today’s Daily Post Prompt. Page 29 of the cheap erotic book I looked at had the word “Taunting” on it. That caught my eye.


The poem is really just me trying to make sense of my thoughts from earlier today. It seemed like my “secret flirtation” and I had bad timing today. We just couldn’t sync up for any meaningful eye contact. But I did notice we were wearing matching outfits. So in that sense we were synced up😉

He was, however, near me talking a lot and I felt like it was almost taunting me or teasing me. I was trying very hard to resist because I find I just want to smile when he’s near me. 😊😊😊 Linda has no Poker face when it comes to Mr. Blue a Eyes but I try very hard to not give myself completely away. Long sigh…🙏💋😘😜👏✌️😉❤️

Permission – Love, Sex & Poetry


Permission – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

Crossing my legs
Licking my lips
I’m on fire
Waiting for you
To claim
The passion
That I hold
Within me for you
Pull me into a room
Lock the door
Touch me
Press your manhood
Against my waiting body
And let me feel
Your passion for me
Run your fingers
Along the bottom
Of my skirt
Tease me
Unmercifully tease me
Until I beg
For your fingers
Between my legs
Slowly slide your hand
Up my leg to feel
My desire for you
Just as the
Rush of your touch
Brings me to edge of climax
Push me down
I’ll slide all the way
Down your body
My pulse quickens
Quickly I pull your zipper down
I must feel you
I must feel your passion
For me
As I take it
In my hands
My arousal
Drips down my legs
Pressing my face
Against your warm hardness
I look up into
Your beautiful eyes
Ask you for permission
To take your manhood
Into my waiting my mouth
To wrap my lips
Around your warm skin
To Taste you finally
On my knees
In front of you
I look up timidly
Into your beautiful eyes and
Ask for permission
To take you
Into my mouth
May I
Take you
Into my mouth?
I’m asking you for
© 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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Note: Today’s Erotic poem was actually a naughty little fantasy I was having all day long. As Mr. Blue Eyes moved past me, I heard his voice; it made me a little restless. I was wearing a Pencil Skirt with Stilettos heels today. Well, the fantasy went from there and started with “What if we just gave into it today? What would happen if we just gave into it today?”

The Daily Post’s Prompt today was about “Living Art” and what happens if your Art comes to life. I write Erotic Poetry, that is my Art. If my Art came to life today, this fantasy would come true. It would have made for a very interesting day and it would have made me extremely happy – really, really happy – in a multi-orgasmic kind of way. lol 🙂


Photo Credit
Jack Vettriano

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Home – Daily Post


The Daily Post’s challenge was to show HOME in Photos or Blog Content.  I am posting a picture of my Living Room.  I moved into a Condo in a highrise with an Oceanview just about three weeks ago.  Many don’t know that the only things I took with me when I moved were clothes, personal belongings and my bedroom set(50 years cherry wood handed down from my Godmom).  Otherwise, I decided to buy everything new for a new beginning.

I made the decision that I needed a fresh start and needed to move about four months ago. I’ve been planning and strategizing the move every since.  I knew I wanted a RED sofa with dark wood furniture.  Four months ago I started visualizing how I wanted my living room to look.  My brand new RED sofa was delivered recently. The sofa didn’t fit in my building’s evelator.  The building I live in an old Hotel from the 50’s.  Small elevators with low ceilings.  When the delivery guys told me I just about cried.  But, I kept my faith and thought positive.  They then offered to see if they could carry up the SEVEN flights of stairs.  I agreed. I watched as the tried to get in the first floor and when it fit, I nearly jumped out of my skin with joy.  15 minutes later my RED sofa was in my living room. They carried the sofa up SEVEN flights of stairs for me and made my vision come true.  Believe me I tipped them well – their lunch and dinner were on me:-)

As you will see in the picture, the basics are in place. I still need artwork, accessories, an area rug and a lamp. But, the basics are there.  You will also see that although I live at the beach, my style is contemporary/Cityish rather than seashoreish.  As I looked at my living room last night visualizing the next phase of my decorating project, I realized my living room look exactly how I envisioned it four months ago.  Everything right down to the cream color throw on the side of the sofa is how I saw it in my visions.

My little nugget of wisdom in this post is to use visualization techniques to help you create the life of your dreams.  See your destiny. Live your best life in my mind before you ever see in reality.

I am grateful today for my condo by the beach and for the delivery guys who walked my RED sofa up SEVEN flights of stairs.

(C) 2014 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

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2013 Intentions – Metamorphosis Daily Prompt


The Daily Post’s challenge today was Metamorphosis. I use the power of Intentions to change my life. I’ve blossomed by using the power of Intentions. Metamorphosis occurred in my life by choosing my thoughts and actions carefully. So, I am using this post to Monday Morning Quarterback 2013’s intentions and set new 2014 Intentions for my next year’s Metamorphosis. 🙂

Last year on January 2, 2013 I posted a few of my board Life Intentions for the year. I’ve never been one to make New Year’s Resolutions. They seem cliché to me. But, I do believe in using Intentions to change/mold and direct my life. I am a planner; setting goals and Intentions makes sense to me. I believe if you set a goal and make a plan, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.

Below is the list of Intentions I posted last year. Under each Intention is my “Monday Morning Quarterback” review of how it actually worked out as the year rolled by and a new Intention for 2014.

2013 Physical Health Intention
I will continue to focus on improving my health in all aspects so I can live a full active life. I will continue to make choices that promote health and wellness in my life. This includes continued commitment to fitness with regular exercise five to seven days per week. While I am in the average weight range for my height, I would like to lose an additional 5 to 10 pounds. Since I came this far and lost 80lbs I may as well lose another 5 to 10lbs and get back to my college weight  I will remain committed to being alcohol free. I know if I drink alcohol I will become sick again. I won’t let that happen. I welcome physical health into my life in 2013.

As I started 2013, I was still working on healing my Liver and Stomach which were both damaged by undiagnosed Celiac Disease & Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease with Steatohepatitis. I had one year of being alcohol free under my belt. I was Gluten Free for six months and I was easily maintaining the weight loss as food made me sick so I didn’t eat very much. 

Over the course of the year, my Liver healed completed but my stomach was just getting worse.  I just couldn’t figure it out. I started the summer with six consecutive weeks of a Migraine Headache followed by a month long respiratory infection which was caused by poor air quality and exposure to second-hand smoke. But, I later found out an undiagnosed food allergy to the Flaxseed I was using as a non-gluten Fiber source was the source of most of problems.  Since eliminating Flaxseed my stomach has improved dramatically. It’s improve so much so that I actually gained weight.  The Doctor told me that would happen when my stomach started absorbing nutrition again. Actually he told me it was a welcomed sign. It meant my stomach was working normally again and I was healthy 🙂

2014 Health Intention

I will remain Gluten Free and Alcohol Free.  although I do miss having a glass of wine, I can’t go through all the work it took to heal my Liver again.  I just can’t do it again. The Liver Specialist told me the Liver disease will come out of remission and will be even worse and may even kill me if I gain too much weight or drink alcohol again. So, I’ve accepted that alcohol is my Kryptonite.  Moving on…Now that my stomach is healed and I no longer have multiple nutritional deficiencies from lack of absorption I have to work on finding the right balance food and calories for my health body.  I would like to take off the 10lbs I put back on.  I will use use Yoga and Power Walking as my primary exercises to nourish my body and help me maintain a healthy weight. Also, if you read my blog regularly, you may have noticed I removed the Celiac Disease Infographic.  I did this intentionally. I now believe when you identify yourself with an illness, you open the door to more illness.  In other words,

I am happy and grateful now that I am healthy and I feel good.  I do not identify myself with any illness or disease.

2013 Emotional and Mental Health Intention
I will continue to make strong health choices for myself that focus on taking care of my emotional and mental health. I will make sure to look for ways to manage stress and anxiety. I will continue speak my peace. I will not internalize. I will not bottle everything up inside. I will allow people to help me. I will allow those who love me to take care of me when I need support. I will seek help when I need it. I will say what I need to say. I welcome emotional and mental health into my life in 2013.

I not only set this as an Intention but it became my Manta, my lifestyle.  The greatest improvements in my life occured because I made a commitment to myself to live authethnically. Whatever changes I had to make to live this way, I had to make them. PERIOD.  Not excuses… I’ve always been Bohemian Free Spirited by nature.  I stopped  suppressing that part of me. I stopped comforming with what friends thought I should be. Yes, I lost friends by doing it.  Guess what?  Oh well.  See ya, bye bye. I am over that.  I have my strength back. I am back to being the person I was before I lost myself in a crowd.  I speak my truth. I write my truth. I live my truth.  Yoga has been my mirror to my soul. Through my practice I learned a lot about myself and capabilities.  I’ve laughed and cried on the mat. But, mostly I found peace that I’ve never known within by Meditating. .   I use Mantras every day. Two Mantas I say everyday at some point are “Om Gum Ganapataye Nahama” to remove all obstacle and “Om Arakya Nahama” for freedom from affliction.  I also started to not only embrace but also cultivate my highly intuitive nature and let the messages come through however they need to come through. A good friend of mine is Psychic. She told me recently that my Aura is just beautiful and magnetic.  That made me very happy.

2014 Emotional & Mental Health Intention

I will continue to walk my own path. I will remain authentic in everything I do. I will be genuine  and open.  I will continue to embrace my highly intuitive nature.   I will continue to use Yoga, Mantras, Meditation and prayer to facilitate my spiritual journey. I am happy and grateful now that I am living life as my authentic self.

2013 Financial Health Intention
I will focus my energies to manage money better. It’s been difficult to manage money because of the large medical expenses I’ve had in the last two years. Even with decent insurance I’ve racked up some medical bills for multiple hospital visits. But, I am hoping 2013 will be a year of improvement in my health which will also mean an improvement in discretionary dollars to use for travel or savings. I welcome wealth and abundance into my life in 2013.

This is another area of great improvement for me.  I really focused my energies on smart money managment. My habits helped this. I am not a spender. I am a minimalist. I don’t buy what I don’t need. I only buy things on sale and I hate accumulating stuff.  So, I am not a shopper.  I also don’t drink or smoke. So, that saves me money. And, I don’t have any children. That definitely saves me money. Lastly, I don’t enjoy going away for long periods of time or taking big expensive long vacations.  I just don’t enjoy it.  I live at the beach, I go on Yoga Retreats, I go away to NYC and Philly regularly.  I don’t need much more.  Not saying I won’t travel but it’s not at the top of the list.  By living at the beach and seeing the ocean every day I am vacationing every day. In 2013 I got smart about money and by the end of 2013 it reaped its rewards. 

2014 Financial Health Intention

I am a money magnet. I attracted abundance.  Money comes to easily and effortlessly.  Everything I need want and desire appears before me effortlessly at just the right time.  I have excellent money managment skills 🙂

2013 Spiritual Health Intention
It is vitally important to me to maintain my spiritual well-being. I am committed to nurturing my connection to source strength which only comes from which by practicing Yoga, Meditating, praying, practicing Reiki, offer compassing and empathy to others, but protecting my Karma and the Karma of others. I will live my Mantra of Love, Peace and Happiness. I will remember that change starts with me. I will allow myself to feel unbridled optimism and passion for my life. I will have the courage to do the hard things in life for the right reasons. I will not give up or give in. I will allow the fire in my belly to burn brightly for all to see. I had been using the Law Of Attraction principles for a few years but I reall saw it work and manifest some great stuff in my life in 2013. I also use “thought correction” a lot. If I have a negative thought, immediate change it to something positive. I released all “Victim” mentalities. I am a creator in my life. Life doesn’t just happen to me. I am a creator of my destiny.

This Intention is somewhat related to the Emotional and Mental Health Intention.  By the end of 2013 I saw the return of the fire in my belly. Those who have known me have always known there is fire in my belly. One of my former boyfriends used to call me his “ball of fire”.  But, health issues and an unpleasant breakup caused some anxiety issues for me. You can’t be a ball of fire while being anxious or holding on the past at the same time.  While my heart healed from the unpleasant breakup and that is far in my past it did leave me with some confidence issues and I was still carrying anxiety from the health issues. I lost my confidence. There is no other way to say it.   In 2013 I started challenging myself again on all levels. The comfort zone was unbelievably uncomfortable.  I decided I was not going to let fear or anxiety win. Slowly I felt a rekindling in my soul. By the end of 2013 the FIRE is back in my belly. And, this time around, I know how to keep it burning all by myself.  I am very proud to have healed my mind, body and spirit all on my own, idenpendently, self-sufficiently, authentically, magically on my own.  And, not only working a full time job at the same time but also challenging myself in the workplace as well.  YAY Linda!!!

2014 Spiritual Health Intention

I am happy and grateful now that I live a life of passion. I will keep the fire in my belly burning by kindling it with growth.  I will continue to challenge myself, nuture myself and celebrate my victories.

2013 Relationship Health Intentions
I plan to surround myself with like-minded individuals and with people who are good influences for me. We don’t have to agree on everything. I don’t have to have all the same habits or make the same lifestyle choices. But, we need to hold the same values. I like to learn from people. Teach me something. Mold me, inspire me, encourage me and shape my world.  I will show my love and affection openly for those I love. I will make sure those I love know how I feel. I will continue to believe in LOVE.

In 2013  I started surrounding myself with people who inspired me, encouraged me, challenged me and think like me. I realized I was attracted to people who are positive, driven and motivated. I started observing people who seemed to me to be doing it right. I started emulating their habits and learning from a distance.  2o13 also saw a rekindling of sensual spirtual through a positive mutual attraction.  Nothing makes me happier than when a man inpsires me to write Erotica.  I like having a muse.  😉 We will see what will happen with that. But, I will say it sure has been a lot of fun having a little secret flirtation with someone.

The most important relationship of my life is the one I have with myself.  2013 I began to love myself on all levels. I accepted myself on all levels. I allowed myself to receive – to receive all the goodness I deserved. 

2014 Relationship Health Intention

I will continue to surround myself with good influences who challenge me and encourage my growth. I am good to know. I will maintain an open heart and mind. I am attracted to people who are good for me. I am attracted to people with like energy. I attract health relationships.


My final note on this post is an official annoucement that one of my dreams is actually coming true soon.  I grew up in Philly and vacationed at the Jersey Shore for years. I spent the better part of 10 summers sharing group houses in Sea Isle City with friends. In 1994 I moved to Ocean City and lived there for 13 years. I moved to the mainland for a few years. 

As of January 16th I will be living back at the beach.  It was always my dream to buy a Condo with a Ocean view. I didn’t want a big home as I don’t want all the work that comes with owning a big home. I just wanted a condo. Two years ago I started walking four miles a night on the Ventnor/Atlantic City Boardwalks. By the end of last summer I decided that was where I wanted to live.  In the fall of 2013 I started talking realtors that worked in the area.  I was looking at condos in high rises in Chelsea Heights and  Lower Chelsea.  As I never lived in a high rise before, I decided to rent a condo in a high rise with an ocean view for one year instead of buying right away. 

 I started saying my beach lover’s dream Intention “I am happy and grateful now that I live in a condo by the beach” in August. I move into my condo with the ocean view on 1/16/14.  What a way to start the new year.

In 2013 I learned the power of my thoughts and I learned how to harass my personal power to actualize my dreams.

@ 2013 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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Photo Credit:
Carlo Maria Mariani

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Break Me Free – Love, Sex & Poetry (Daily Prompt – Free)

Jack Vettriano - Tutt'Art@ (30)

Break Me Free – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

Restless passions
Stir deeply
Like wine
Growing in intensity
With the passage of time
Deep rich flavors
Of desire
Heighten the senses
As these days have passed
Between us into weeks
And the weeks blended into months
Yet our
Desire deepens instead of fades
Cautious at first
Of this new spark
Uncertain of the path
It would take
Not knowing if
The pulse would slow
With the passage of time
Instead it sharpened
And has come into
Clearer view
Seeing it
Become more
Resisting it less
This passion
Presses against my chest
I feel it call
From deep within
It tries
To break free
Needing to wrap my arms
Around your neck
And pull your lips to mine
Comes in the release
Of this desire
That I have imprisoned
It calls to you
Break me free
Break me free
Into your arms
Onto your lips
Break me free
Resistance is futile
I am drawn
Into your eyes
Break me free
This passion that breathes
Your name
Calls to you
Take hold of me
And break me free
Break this passion free
(C) 2013 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserve
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Photo Credit:
Jack Vettriano – 1951

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I Opened My Hand And Let Go – Daily Post Poetry Writing Challenge

I Opened My Hand And Let Go – Daily Post Poetry Writing Challenge
By: Linda A. Long

In opening
My hand
I let go
Of everything
I tried
To hold on to
Too tightly
Reminding myself
I was
I overcame
I am now
By the wave
That swept
Through my life
It started
As a ripple
As one
Lead to another
And pulled
Me down
To the very
Of my soul
To find
For the first time
Traveling down this
Rocky road
To peace
My mind
“Go back”
My heart pounded
“This is too hard”
My body wept
“I can’t”
A small little voice
Deep within
“I must”
My soul
Not knowing
Exactly what
I was choosing
Only knowing
Life was forcing
Me to start over
I can’t remember
Making the choice
I don’t remember
I can’t reflect
On the exact
It happened
It happened
Every day
With every
Letting go
One day
Holding on
The next
Having faith
Meaningful things
In my life
Will remain
Trusting what is
Rightfully mine
Will return
I opened
My hand
And let go
I see
The very best
Of me
For the
First time
I accept
I am powerful
I stand
With tears
In my eyes
Because I
Set myself
In knowing myself
I let go
By Trusting
Myself more
Than listening
To the advice
Of others
I finally found
My peace
I let go
Of who
I was
And who
They wanted
Me to be
I timidly
Started walking
My road
To peace
The valley of
Of self-love
To the mountaintop
Of self-acceptance
I found
No longer
Validation or approval
From others
I pinned my
To the beat of
My very own
I opened
My hand
And let go
© 2013 Linda A. Long – All Rights ReservedProtected by Copyscape DMCA Copyright Search



The Daily Post – Helplessness

helpless--large-msg-114970372439-2This is today’s Daily Writing Prompt from The Daily Post, http://dailypost.wordpress.com/
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

I don’t usually do the Daily Writing Prompts but this one resonated with me today because it’s exactly how I feel about my health today.

This is the part where I caution my readers to prepare themselves. Most of you are used to my positive, motivational, inspirational, “I can do anything” posts. This is not one of those types of posts. I am going to whine and complain. It’s going to sound like I feel a little sorry for myself because guess what? I do! If you are not into reading this kind of post today, please feel free to stop reading now. I won’t take it personally. But, if you do understand I needed to express this openly before it swallowed me whole.

I’ve been hesitating sharing some recent information about my health on my blog because I truly believe the more you talk about negative things, the more power you give them. Talking about it, blogging about it and complaining about it is actually feeding it and giving life to it. So, I’ve chosen to practice the Law of Attraction by only keeping positive things on my blog instead of writing about my worry, frustration and anxiety. But, today with pressure bringing me to the edge of reason, living on the verge of tears most days and feeling frustration building, I feel the need to just release a bit.

First I’ll say the way I manage the flow of information about my health is my decision. It’s not that I am hiding anything or holding anything back. It’s just that I am not going to go out post on Facebook, make a million phones calls or send a lot text messages with my status updates. I call the people who I promised to call and I honor those requests. I have no secrets. At this point, I do not care who knows what is going on with my health anymore but it’s just exhausting trying to keep so many people in the loop and I am trying to not talk so much about it. I am trying to not feed the negativity. But, if you want to know how I am and are genuinely concerned about me, feel free to ask me. I will tell you. It’s that simple. But, I caution you. I don’t like whimps! I have grown up problems. So, if you are going to be a sissy and whimp out because you think you can’t handle it, don’t bother asking me because I am not going to sugar coat anything just to spare your feelings. Grow up. Life isn’t always a good time or a party. And, when life is hard, that is when we need the people who LOVE us to be strong and step up for us. It’s really that simple.

The last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. I’ve been knocked down a lot by health problems. Yes, I do keep getting back up. But, it’s getting harder and harder with each passing day to be strong and fight so hard. I am getting weary. And, I am exhausted most days because I am trying so hard. Trust me – I am trying!

In the last two years, I’ve managed to lose 80lbs, reverse Heart Disease, reverse Liver Disease, stop drinking alcohol and quit smoking. Guess what? None of it was easy. But, I did it. I showed up in my life and took control. So, right now I am feeling bit helpless that my Digestive System is uncooperative, unresponsive and causing me so many problems.
The results of a recent colonoscopy were less than stellar and included a list of about six diagnosis that I now have to manage. I also need a second procedure to evaluate kinks that are in my colon on my right side that could cause an obstruction. However, everything is on hold until the Pathology on the Polyps that were removed is returned. They won’t schedule the second procedure until they know for sure I don’t have cancer. For now I am on medicine to keep things moving while we wait for the biopsy results.

I knew when I scheduled the colonoscopy over a month ago that it was for diagnostic purposes and it was not a screening procedure. I knew what the Doctor suspected because I pushed him and made him tell me.  So, basically I’ve known since early December about the tests and what he was suspecting. But, I said nothing to anyone as it was Christmas and everyone just wanted happy news. So, I walked around for month with this weight on my heart and consuming my thoughts. I guess everyone understands now why I wasn’t in a party mood on New Year’s Eve and why I just wanted to spend some quiet time alone with my Mom on Christmas Eve. Now that it is done. I feel a sense of relief. After the procedure was over my Doctor said he didn’t want to talk a lot because I was still under the effects of sedation and we would talk during my follow-up appointment. But, he also said I shouldn’t hesitate to call him any time of the day or night if I needed him. That was very reassuring but it was also worrisome that he was that concerned.But, I also feel a sense of helplessness. I’ve done everything right. I worked so fucking hard to improve my health. And, it really pisses me off. While it may not be Cancer, a kinked Colon that needs correction is no picnic and it may need major surgery. Excuse me for freaking out. But, I am freaking out.

I will now admit something I’ve been keeping private. In September I started noticing I wasn’t really handling my health issues very well, I knew I needed some help.  So, I started seeing a therapist. It’s has been helping me to talk to an objective person who doesn’t judge me. She’s helped me wrap my head around these feelings of helplessness, worry and anxiey. She’s helped me address my fears of dying.  She’s helped me find ways to satisfy my need to say I Love You to certain people.  She helped me find compassionate ways to prepare others for what may happen. She’s helped me address my anxiety about possibly needing surgery and my frustation about working so fucking hard for two years and still being sick.  Maybe I should have “gone out” drinking, smoking and partying. At least, I would have had a good time.  Honestly, the reason I don’t confide lot in friends about all of my feelings regarding my health is because they don’t understand everything. It’s more work for me to explain everything. Then I end up giving them therapy for whatever issue is bothering them. Sometimes you just need to talk. Being a good listener is hard work. But, to be a good friend to someone we must listen and not talk or give advice. Life is very serious for me right now. It’s scary.  I feel like everything is on the line while I also feel very helpless at the same time. It’s a strange place to be.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time. I am doing yoga, praying, meditating and exercising every day to relieve stress. And, because sometimes you just need some Chocolate to make yourself feel better, I have some Whole Foods Double Chocolate Gluten Free Cupcakes (all 470 calories each) stashed in the freezer ready for me to “break in case of emergency”.

Thanks for reading and listening to today’s rant. We will return to normal joyous, uplifting, blogging and poetry tomorrow.

Peace, Love & Happiness