Self Care Sunday – Ge’ah

Art

Ge’ah
She moves
Through me
As a force
Of Nature
Yet
Lovingly
Guiding me
Ge’ah

She dances
In my
Soul
Sways my hips
To the
Rhythm
Of the Universe
And
Divine creation
Ge’ah

She rises
In me
As a Phoenix
With
Power and
Self Confidence
Tempered
With grounded humility
Ge’ah

She is
Fire
The fire
In my belly
The fire
In my eyes
The fire
That burns
In my soul
With
The alchemy
Of love
Ge’ah

She is
The love
That is rooted
Deep in
My heart
Igniting
Passion
Stirring
The pot
Of love and lust
With the
Divine
Feminine power
That is
Within me
Ge’ah
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NOTE

Ge’ah ~ means strong feminine power in Hebrew.

This Self Care Sunday I call upon Ge’ah to move through me, empower me, energize me and stabilize me as I move through this time of my life.
_____

If you have been reading my blog regularly, you know that I’ve been working through some heavy dark issues in my life lately. I’ve chosen to share the work I am doing within myself on this blog as my way to heal and perhaps help others through my own experiences. Maybe reading my story and seeing how I am working towards healing will help someone else have the courage to do the same.

I’m not afraid to go to the dark places within myself. I am not afraid anymore. I don’t really feel like I have a choice anymore. It rose up for a reason. I can no longer push it down. Heavy emotions and feelings around things that happened to me in the past have come to the surface of my consciousness; to ignore them would be denying myself an opportunity to deeply heal.

The emotions I’ve been feeling lately are complicated. I feel repressed anger. Disappointment in people who were supposed to love me. I feel shame, not necessarily for my actions, but for not being strong enough to let myself heal years ago. I’m cycling through depression and anxiety mixed with a bit of frustration.

The New Agey folks would say to me, “Forgive and it will set you free!” I say “FUCK THAT!” I’ve confronted my attacker twice in front of people. He’s never apologized or even acknowledge what he did even though he knows its true. I’ve learned not to expect anything from him. I just cut him out of my life like he’s a Cancer. But his actions caused trauma in my life and left scars.

Unfortunately, I have to tolerate the jackass on holidays and family parties knowing he has no remorse for what he did to me. My tolerance of him shouldn’t be mistaken for forgiveness. It’s maturity on my part. Let’s be clear. I protect myself. I won’t be alone in a room with him. I won’t drive in a car with him. I will NEVER sleep in a house he is in and for many years I would not even sit on a sofa near him. But for the sake of his family, who do not know – I’ve never told them – and for the sake of my mother, I am cordial to him. She deserves to have all of her kids together on holidays. My mother and I had a long conversation last year over coffee about those events and how they affected my life. She sat across the table from me sobbing and saying, “I’m sorry” the entire time. But she finally understood. She now understands & respects my boundaries. I will say hello and that’s about it. Cordial doesn’t mean friendly and it certainly doesn’t mean forgiveness. I’ve learned one thing through therapy. I don’t have to forgive anyone who doesn’t ask for my forgiveness or take responsibility for their actions. He’s hasn’t done either one.

What I have to do is let this darkness come up from my soul. I need to let this pain and anger see the light and be released so I can open myself to love —— I don’t have to forgive. As I work through this, I will be writing about my experiences on this blog. I am done pretending it didn’t happen. I am calling on Ge’ah to empower me to heal, release and open myself to love again.

Moving on to another topic, I’ve had long term issues with a chronic form of Gastritis. It’s been really flared up for the last couple of months. I had a Endoscopy on Thursday. When the doctor talked to me after the procedure. He told me he did biopsies but then said he didn’t want to talk too much about anything or give me any recommendations until he got the pathology back. A friend drove me home; we chatted the whole way. I came home, ate and went back to bed. Later that night I read the report from the procedure. It said they did find Gastritis but they also saw irregular cells in my stomach and Gastric Polyps. They did FIVE biopsies. That explained why my stomach was so sore. They called me early Friday morning to find out how I was doing and told me I could be sore for another day or two because they took so many biopsies. Pathology should back in a week or so. It was good thing I was off from work Friday too. I was sore well into Saturday. It’s calming down now.

The interesting thing about this is I am not even that upset or worried about it. I am so beat up it hardly affected me. I never had Gastric Polyps. I never heard of Gastric Polyps. I did have Precancerous Polyps removed from Colon five years ago. My three year check up was clean. Of course, I Googled Gastric Polyps. Apparently, they are rare. Best case scenarios are H. Pylori bacteria or a reaction to a medication. Worse case scenario is Cancer. I’ve made my peace with each scenario but I will be honest I am not up for a big long battle with Cancer. I am not. Game over.

As far as work goes, I have a feeling my project is going to be squashed by Legal or its going to be a big long fight to keep it. I would still have a position in the group just not the project that I pitched two weeks ago. I’ll know for sure this week. Honestly, I’ve put it out of my mind and have just been focusing on taking care of myself. It’ really doesn’t matter anymore.

I am open to the divine direction and will allow the Universe Flow to guide me to right position. Honestly, it’s not really about opportunities anymore for me. It’s about which group would be the healthiest and most supportive place for me to work at this time of my life. That feels like the group I am in right now. The work environment is quieter, less chaotic, not as much drama and I don’t feel taken advantage of by my management as I did in my former role. In my former group, I had two bosses who were both men. I enjoyed working for both of them. Both would remind me what was mine to do(worry about) and what was NOT mine to do (or worry about). They helped me maintain balance. I would be HAPPY to work for either one of them again. Once they both got promoted and moved on, the managers who took over for them did not shield me in any way. They just constantly asked me for more and pushed me harder. I tried to tell them what they were doing to me. They would back off for a week but then it would start all over again. For God Sake, they couldn’t even work a keyboard in briefing on their own without calling me for help. Stuff like that doesn’t happen where I work now. Also, I don’t do those stupid employee engagement surveys with the personalized link. A personalized link means it’s not anonymous 🙂

Having five days off of work has worked out good. I needed more time to heal from the Endoscopy than I originally thought I would need, I’ve been relaxing and sleeping A LOT.

As of yesterday, I decided to call on Ge’ah to help awaken the power within me. While I’ve always been a warrior, I am finding I need some assistance these days in lighting my fire. I should mention that taken to the extreme Ge’ah divine feminine power can be shown as pride and arrogance. I’m not looking for that. I just need a little power boost 🙂

If you are a personal friend, all I really need from you right now is patience, understanding, support, a reason to laugh and maybe a hug or at least a text with a smiley face 😊 Or if you are the praying type, I could use prayers too🙏

I love this Native American Proverb

Native American Proverb

“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac is for my three sisters. They’ve always protected me and have been my best friends 💙🦋 The song took on special meaning to us all during the last two weeks of Sandy’s life.

Growing Up Sexy

Blue Love Art

I have a pretty face and a sexy body.  My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body.  My body is not skinny nor is it fat.  It is womanly, voluptuous.  I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.

Growing up sexy has not always been easy.  When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol.  I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog.  I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.

I have been seeing a therapist for over five years.  My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.

As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered.  Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars.  Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.

Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man.  When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry.  Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.

Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”.  Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.

Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance.  How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.

In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me.  However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.

I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection.  We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.

While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future.  I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.

This is not a #metoo post.  This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women.   I enjoyed being sexy all of my life.  I still enjoy being sexy.  I like that men look at me.  I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body.  I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable.  I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy.  It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.

This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us.  It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love.  It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden.   A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed.  A burden I am ready to hopefully release.

In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself.  I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me.  At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.

With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.

If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.

Here’s an article I found helpful on PTSD
https://www.gracepointwellness.org/109-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

😘

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Self Care Sunday – Honor Where You Are – Monday Update at bottom

http://www.jpreece.deviantart.comhttp://www.jpreece.deviantart.com

Go to the bottom for the Monday Update:

My friend and fellow Holistic Health Coach Stephanie at Find Your Brave writes a lot about honoring where you are in the present. Stephanie coaches women to honor their feelings and emotions as they are right in this very moment. I am honoring where I am emotionally in this Self Care Sunday post.

I am grateful. I am truly grateful for all of the people who love me now and loved me in the past. This includes my family, friends and men who have been in my life. I am grateful for every person who played a role in my growth, protected me along the way and helped me become the woman I am today. I am grateful for my job. My job provides me stable income and health care which allows me to live comfortably at the beach as well as help others with my abundance. I am grateful for my apartment on the beach. It is truly my sanctuary and is a beautiful place to rest and live in peace. I am grateful for my body. My body has been through a lot and it continues sustain me. I am grateful for my tenacious spirit. It helps me rally in tough times. I am grateful for my big heart; it gives me the capacity to love deeply and truly. I am grateful for my old soul. I have the soul of an old warrior. I’ve experienced many tragedies and suffered more than most but my soul used those experienced for growth. I am a very fortunate woman but…it’s not enough. It’s all just not enough.

It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve allowed myself to see the true price I’ve paid in the name of self protection in my life. It’s only been in recent weeks that I’ve began to understand I lost so much more than people in my life, I lost love and my ability to choose without fear. I am only now starting to understand what was taken away from me by the actions of men. I am also starting to understand what my life could have been if I didn’t close myself off so long ago. I can now see how expensive suffering has been in my life.

I ask God, Angels and Guides, is this it? Is this all there is going to be in my life for the next 5, 10, 20 or 30 years of my life? I ask this question because it’s become clear to me that life, the way it is, simply is not enough to sustain me long term. You may ask me what does that mean. The truth is I am not sure what that means. I only recently admitted to myself that I felt this. I talked at length about this with my therapist this past week. She honored what I was saying. She didn’t try to put happy face on anything. Her closing words stuck with me, “It’s not your fault. None of it has been your fault but your heart is carrying all the burden(s). Everyone reaches a breaking point.” It’s not that I can’t handle stress and suffering. It’s that I’ve been handing it and dealing with it since I was seven years old. The sustained pressure is breaking me down on every level. I am worn out.

What does this mean for my future and my life. I am not sure. The only thing I know is I am no longer as strong as I was. I am weary. When I get knocked down, I don’t get up as quick as I used to. When I need to rally and fight, I am just not sure it’s worth it anymore. What the hell am I fighting for anyway? To live another 5, 10, 20, 30 years in a life like this? I am not sure I want that. In honoring where I am today I allow myself to write in complete authenticity and honesty. I am allowing those who are reading this blog to truly see me and understand the burden I am feeling.

On a work related topic, In this role I’ve learned to be a Program Manager in the “company”, you need to play office politics. I have the knowledge, skills and strategic abilities to be a fantastic game-play politician. However, being a politician lacks authenticity; that doesn’t vibe well with me and it actually stresses me out. I am good at this job. I have skills necessary to do this job. The whole point of taking this temporary assignment was to explore opportunities to see how they fit. For the most part, this role fits me. However, I still say the perfect role for me is something more along the lines of a Senior Advisor to leader. In that type of role, I could do program management, project management and also offer support services to a leader without being in the middle of the politics myself. I feel like I need to “take care” of someone. Doing that is rewarding to me. Actually, I am not fulfilling that need in any area of my life right now. Also, My body is not handling stress well anymore. Perhaps it never did it’s just more noticeable now that I am older. That has been on my mind a lot lately too. It reminded me that I used to have a boss that would tell me to “STOP” “BREATH” 😂 I don’t always know how/when to stop myself. It was helpful having someone who knew me well enough to see when I needed to be pulled back.  I don’t have that anymore.

Have you been honest with yourself lately? Is your life, the way it is now, enough for another 20 years? Can you live like this for another 20 years?

I encourage you to honor how you feel and where you are on this Self Care Sunday. Sit with yourself.  Feel whatever it is.  Stay soft in this unkind world💙🦋

MONDAY UPDATE
I spoke my truth this morning to my boss and another manager. I told them my temporary status and the project drama was starting to cause me anxiety. First, we spoke about my project; we have a resolution. It’s still moving forward 🙂 It’s in a Legal Review now. Fingers crossed everything goes well and I should be able to start meeting with vendor by next week. Next, we spoke about the anxiety I am starting to feel about my future and the temporary status I am still in. They understood what I was saying and allievated some concerns that came up last week. However, I won’t feel completely better until I am permanently sitting one place or another. I learned through this experience long term temporary assignments are not good for someone with an anxiety disorder. It creates too much uncertainity. It’s giving me too much room to worry. If I ever do something like this again, the maximum length I will agree to is six months.

The funny thing about our conversation today was what my boss said to me. He’s a Ph.D. He,of course, had to explain my anxiety in scientific terms and with a picture😂 He stood up and drew a graphic on the board and explained the “Anxiety and Performance(Arousal) Axis. He explained to me that there was a study done that proved that high performance requires a higher level of anxiety. People who are high performers tend to be more anxious. You actually need anxiety to push you to perform. The key is operate at the peak of curve abd manage the anxiety so you don’t slip down the slope. Below is a photo similiar to the graphic he drew; click the photo for the link to the article on “Anxiety and Arousal”. He told me to Google it. When I googled it, I also found a helpful article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After I read that article, I reached out to friend who lost her son in a car accident and we scheduled a call to catch up for tonight. Hoping we can help each other 🦋

Anxiety and Arousal Axis
ef=”https://www.gracepointwellness.org/1-anxiety-disorders/article/38465-anxiety-and-arousal”>Image depicts anxiety can positively affect performance. [/cap

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Self Care Sunday – Empath Survival

11:11

Self Care Sunday finds me focusing on Empathetic Self Care and Survival. I’ve been reading the Dr. Judith Orloff’s “The Empath’s Survival Guide” this week. I’ve also been watching some Empath Survival videos on YouTube this week. This page in the book really resonances with me

Empath’s Survival Guide

It resonant with me because this has been my experience for my entire life. I remember being teased as a little girl because I was so sensitive. My brother used to say he was going to “toughen me up.” He toughened me up alright… but, that’s not the topic of this post. This post is about sharing information to potential help other “sensitives” who may be experience similar things.

I was a shy, reserved and introverted girl. I didn’t learn to be extroverted until I started drinking alcohol which was more or less became my social lubricator. Here’s the thing… no one ever told me it was ok to sensitive, quiet and shy while I was young. Everyone wanted me to be outgoing, socialize more and often pushed me to do things I didn’t enjoy doing. Like “play” with the other kids. I was actually happy keeping myself entertained and hanging with my older sisters and the adults rather than being with mean kids. I guess what I am saying is that I became what everyone else wanted for most of my life. I lived many years without knowing who I was, what I wanted or how I truly felt because I stuffed everything down and lived up to the expectations of others. When I wasn’t living for others, I was partying so I never had to actually look at myself. I kept myself constantly busy with noise surrounding me so I didn’t have to sit with myself or feel the pain that was deep within.

Everything changed a few years ago when I got sick and had to change my life. I am here to tell you today everything does indeed happen for a reason. If I didn’t get sick a few years, I would not have withdrawn from the crowd I was hanging out with, I would not have changed the lifestyle I was living and I would not have gone on the spiritual journey in recent year that changed my life. Because all of that happened, I finally found authenticity in my life and opened myself back up all of my sensitives.

Once I embraced my sensitives again, my intuitive wisdom came back strong. So strong it was a bit overwhelming. I didn’t know how to control it. It’s been taking some time to learn how to manage my intuitive and empathetic abilities. It’s my blessing and my challenge. I will be writing more about this in future blogs.

This is the authentic version of Linda. My circle of friends is much smaller than it was but I am happier. I enjoy quiet time. I enjoy sitting with myself and listening to the wisdom my heart and soul wants to share with me. I don’t like small talk, chaos or unnecessary noise. I am finally at peace. I am grateful to be sensitive. I am happy I am empathic and caring. While I am introverted, I am a relater. What that means is I am good a forging relationships; that is because I am good with connecting with people one to one. Learning how to be sensitive in an insensitive world is my lesson being sensitive is my gift.

On another note, this Sunday finds me packing to go to DC for two days. It should be an easy trip. I have two meetings with my Program’s Sponsor. I am the presenter in my Monday afternoon’s meeting. My briefing was reviewed by Directors on Friday and is ready to go. On Tuesday afternoon, she invited me to join her in a Meet and Greet meeting with a DC based advocacy group. I wish that meeting was earlier in the day. I won’t get home until 7 or 8ish on Tuesday. Gratefully, my boss is cool with me teleworking on Wednesday. Wednesday is the same day as a local air show over the ocean. I will be able to see it from my window as I am working🙌🙌

On a spiritual note, I’ve been waking up at 11:11pm each night and seeing 11:11 or 1111 everywhere lately. It’s a lovely note of positive reassurance that everything is aligning just perfectly for me🦋🦋💙🙌

How’s Self Care Sunday going for you today?

ICYMI: I posted “Blue Love Poetry” on Thursday. Scroll down to my last post if you missed my latest poetry💙🔥😘

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Empath’s Survival Guide

Blue Love Poetry

Blue Love Poetry Art

Blue Love Poetry
I exhale
Long and slow
As if
Setting all of
My love for you
Free in the warmth
Of my breath
Releasing what
I was holding back
Surrendering to the
Wave of emotions
That rose
Up to lick me
With the flames
Of your desires
I open in
Full submission
To the feelings
Taking over me
Warming my heart
Exciting my body
Speaking to my soul
In a language
Only we understand
Love opened
My heart today
And etched
Your name
Across my nipples
Hard from
Your energy
Licking them
Love opened
My legs today
And pushed
Your desire
Inside of me
To claim me
As only yours
Love opened
My soul today
And reminded
Me of the
Crystal blue eyes
Of a soul mate
Love opened
Me today
And poetry
Flowed out
Love opened
Me today
I wrote you
You poetry
Blue Love
Love poetry

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NOTE
I had such a productive and busy day at work! I love that I came home after a day like this with my soul on fire. I felt Blue Love Poetry pushing against my heart and speaking to my soul; it just was waiting to burst into words for him.

Let me say today I was reminded of the importance to always listen to your intuition and that everything happends for a reason. I was supposed to be DC for this week attending a five day PMP Boot Camp. About a month ago, I was feeling uncomfortable with going. I felt like it would be better for me to focus on the work instead of stressing myself out with prepping for and taking the PMP test. Since the class was free, I was able to cancel the trip with no issues.

Because I was home this week, I was able to work with our vendor, meet with managers and directors. I not only secured support on all levels but I also secured 100% of the funding I need to do our first ever Grand Research Challenge. YAY 🎉🎊 The funds were put on contract TODAY! When I present to my Sponsor on Monday, I am delivering a fully funded project with the support of managers and directors🙌

So many people helped me get this done this week. So many people jumped in to support it and support me. I am so grateful. Everyone is so excited. The best part about this is it’s a win for everyone so far and we could actually change someone’s life by introducing them to industry. I can’t wait to share more about this in the coming weeks. Truly a great day. It proved to me I am doing work that speaks to my soul. I belong exactly where I am.

My work Guru, Guru McG 😊had an interesting observation this week. He said, He thought I would calm down in this job and not feel so much pressure by it once I knew it was a permanent. I still feel like I’m fighting for my spot which is causing me anxiety. He was right. I took action this week and initiated two conversations on the topic. We are aligned. What I want, they want but I’m not sure it will be flipped until my official temporary assignment is closer to the end. However, locking up this project this week and advocating it be an annual offering went a long way to my benefit 🦋

What’s good for you today? What’s lights you up?

I hope Blue Love Poetry speaks to your soul💙🦋

Everything Happens For A Reason

Self Care Sunday – Hibernating

Wild Black Bear Yellowstone
This Self Care Sunday finds me a bit frustrated with my physical body. I’ve had this Sinus and Ear infection/congestion going on for two weeks. Today is my 6th day of antibiotic and probiotics. While it is not as painful and is finally breaking up, it is happening quite slowly. If it’s not gone by Tuesday, I have to go into the ENT’s office. Maybe he will be able to drain the ears. I am hoping I don’t end up on steroids.

Here’s where I am struggling. I felt like I was getting better on Friday and then felt worse yesterday. I am not sure what happened. I am feeling like I failed myself because my body is taking slow long to heal. I keep thinking over what did I do wrong that it got this bad. Why is my body struggling to fight this?

In a conversation with a “spiritual mentor/teacher” earlier this week, she suggested that I get sick so much because I carry/take on the energetic burdens of people I love by because I am a highly sensitive Empath with strong intuitive abilities. I can take on emotions, feelings and symptoms of others.  I feel for people. For example, I get sick so my Mom doesn’t. I energetic take it on to protect her.

My mentor explained I unconsciously take on these burdens because I am stronger spiritually than most people; my empathetic abilities allow me to tune into people and lift their burdens. This is why my former work environment was spiritually so bad for me. My current work environment is better or me. It’s quiet, removed, bigger and calmer. Also, when I am close to someone, they can feel energetically strong when I am around because I give them strength. This is a great gift. However, you have to learn how to manage it. The problem is I am not managing it correctly and it’s breaking down my body, especially my heart which is already weak from a congenital issue. I need to learn how to disconnect empathetically from people and allow them to carry their own burdens; whatever that means. This concept makes total sense to me but it’s heavy stuff. I appreciated her insight because I couldn’t see this myself. I am reading a bit on how to survive as an Empath and Intuitive. Obviously, I haven’t figured it out yet but I am starting with Heart Chakra mantra and balancing work.

This comes back to me thinking I can control everything. It’s my body, I’ve been taking care of myself. I should be able to control this a little, right? Well, I thought I could. It wasn’t until yesterday that I decided to completely surrender for the whole weekend. I am just staying home snuggled up under a blanket with a antibiotics, probiotics, Mucinex, Flonase, water and a tissue box. I am bit a bored but I am coughing and hacking stuff up. No one would want to be around me anyway. I have no business going anywhere today.

Yesterday I watched the new series “Yellowstone” with Kevin Costner. I love it. It’s based in Montana and depicts life there and tensions between White and Native Americans. Since I definitely want to travel out west and especially visit Montana, I like it. Since Kevin Costner is still HOT, I rewatch “Dancing with Wolves” last night.

I definitely feel a spirit bond/connection to Native American history and traditions. The way the White man took form them and killed them makes me sad and a bit nauseous when I think about it. I am going to back to DC overnight next week. If I have time, I would like to go back to the American Indian Museum again. I didn’t have time to finish the whole museum the last time I was there. I also got a bit emotional reading about the Cherokee Removal in the Trail of Tears exhibit. I couldn’t read anymore and left. While watching “Yellowstone” on OnDemand, I stumbled across “Yellowstone Live” on NatGeo Channel. Really an amazing series highlighting wildlife and geology of the park. There are four episodes. You can stream all four online. I’ve enjoyed that as well. I definitely want to go there when I travel out west. My observation is that people are stupid putting their lives in danger to get their social media photos; not to mention how they show a total lack of respect for wildlife by intruding into their habitat. Wildlife photographers remaining save a far distance is different than human having a total disregard for the well being of the animals and theirselves. Let’s face it. If some idiot put himself near a black bear and got attacked, the bear would be put down; not the stupid human.

Well, I am hibernating this Self Care Sunday. I am surrendering and giving my body space to heal. I am also reading on how to survive and take care of myself as an Empath. I really need to learn this like my life depends upon it – because it does…I am still planning to go to work tomorrow. For now, I am under a blanket with books, tissues and stuff to entertain me.

I hope you are taking care of yourself today.

(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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NatGeo YellowStone LiveNatGeo YellowStone Live Streaming xfinity

https://youtu.be/A-Nn0VlS0CU

Heart Light – Blue Love Poetry

Blue Love Art

Heart Light – Blue Love Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

I blushed in
Your presence
And became very aware
Of the sensations
That took over
My body
When you
Were near me
My heart raced
My palms would sweat
My breath quickened
My words
Got stuck in my throat
As I tried
To stop myself
From proclaiming
My lust
For you
I tried to
Stop myself from
Reaching out
To touch you
To feel you
To kiss you
To fuck you
The more
I was around you
The more
My spiritual energies
Aligned with yours
That’s when
I started to understand
You and I
Were more
Than just a casual flirtation
As I started
To grow spiritually
I started
To understand
The true nature
Of our connection
And I knew it was so much
Deeper than
Just the physical realm
Our physical attraction
To each other
Is an outward expression
Of the mental and spiritual
Energies that connects our
Hearts to each other
Our connection
Is deeper and
It’s more meaningful
Than your hands
Touching my breast
It’s more powerful
Than you lips
Licking my fire
It’s stronger
Than any force
Attempting to pull
Us apart
I stand
Here today
Stronger, wiser and
A better version
Of myself
Than the day
Our eyes first connected
I stand
Here today
Filled with more love
Than I can express for you
I stand
Here today
No longer doubtful
Of your role
In my life
I know now
You are a soul mate
You are a kindred spirit
In that knowledge
I love you
Unconditionally
Because you deserve
To be loved without limits
You deserve to be loved
Without demands
You deserve to be loved
Without expectations
My heart feels
The restlessness
In your energies
I encourage you to
Explore your own heart
Excavate your own soul
Unearth your deepest desires
Until you find
Peace within you
But know this
Where ever you go
What ever you do
Whomever you are with
I am here for you
I will keep a light on
In my soul
It will flicker
In my heart for you
Follow it back to us
Follow the light
To your soul’s mate
(C) 2018 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved – Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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NOTE When you authentically love someone, that love has no conditions. I guess that is what I was thinking about today and it is expressed in the above poem. Interesting that Facebook keeps suggesting we be friends. I would rather protect our connection and friendship by keeping it off of social media…I know we are friends. He knows we are friends. The rest of the world knowing we are friends just means they will be in our business. He’s too important to me to allow that to happen💙🦋

Well, something very exciting is starting to shape up at work. It’s looking like I am winning support and securing funding to do a Grand Research Challenge. I’ve been working all week to win folks over 🙂 I’ve also been working in parntership with National Institute for Aerospace(NIA)to formalize plans. I think I already secured 1/3 of the funding needed. My Sponsor loves this idea and is looking forward to seeing if I could pull it together in our short window. Thanks to NIA; it’s possible. I will be working to secure more support and funding next week with final presentation to my Sponsor on the 20th.

This Challenge will be a big deal🙌 If it is successful, it will become an annual event and could lead to a permanent place for me on the team. It could be the biggest success of my career to date or my most visible high profile failure 😂 It’s a risk worth taking and I am willing to work my ass off to make it a success 🦋 Honestly, it will be great growth experience for me to be the project lead for our team on this. I hope to share an announcement in September, officially launch in October and host/moderate Competition in May 2019. If this happens, it will be the most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my entire career. lol 😊I told my boss I wasn’t getting attached to the outcome and I wasn’t letting myself get excited until next week. He laughed at me😂 He told me that my energy around the event and passion for what I am trying to accomplish speaks for itself😂I guess he was saying I am already attached and excited about it 😂😂

Day four of the antibotic and probiotics. My ears are finally opening up. My left ear opened yesterday. My right ear is only partially clogged. I took a half day from work to come home and decompress for the afternoon. I am very tired after this week.

JmStorm quotes