Self Care Sunday – The Waiting

Dark hallwayWe are all waiting in one way or another. We are all waiting for something. We are all waiting for someone. Some of us are patient with waiting. Others of us are impatient with waiting. One thing is for certain. We all wait for something at some point in our lives.

Some of us are waiting to be happy. We tie our happiness to a future event instead of today. We place all the weight of our happiness on a new house, new job, new car or new relationship. Instead of loving ourselves today we wait for someone to valid us externally; we place our happiness in the hands of another instead of owning it ourselves today. Are you happy today?

Tom Petty says, “The waiting is the hardest part!”. Waiting to be happy is truly the hardest part. The waiting is limbo. The waiting is the unknown. When we are waiting, we have no control. Waiting can make us feel powerless. Waiting can be filled with anxiety and worry. Waiting can be stressful. The longer we wait, the more anxiety we feel. Waiting robs us of joy today. How do we cope with the waiting? How do we cope with being in the unknown?

The times in my life when I’ve been waiting for something have truly been some of the most challenging times of my life. In past, I was impatient. I looked externally to find happiness and fulfillment. Happiness for me was always tied to a future event. I was waiting on something external to make me happy without realizing the power to be happy was within me all along. Over time I learned to embrace the times of waiting with anticipation and excitement. I started telling myself things like, “won’t it be so wonderful once I get that new job!” I started changing the energy I was sending into the Universe from negative worry/anxiety to positive anticipation and excitement.

Honestly, the biggest lesson I’ve learned about handling the times of waiting in my life is to LET GO! Let go! I’ve learned to surrender. I’ve learned we can’t control what we can’t control. Nothing will change that. Simply recognizing when something is outside of my control was an important step towards me learning to let go of the stress and anxiety of the “waiting”.

I also learned that practicing gratitude for everything I have today in the present moment was an important way for me to find happiness in the present moment. It’s made me more joyful in the present moment. Tapping into the feeling of gratitude creates excitement and fulfillment which counteracts the anxiety of the unknown. It’s about changing the internal dialogue from worry and anxiety to gratitude, anticipation and excitement. This is mind trick! You are training your mind to be excited instead of stressed. It can be challenging to do this at first but eventually it gets easier and it works.

ACTION
This week’s action is reflect on how you feel about the unknown. Are you waiting to be happy in future? Can you focus on finding happiness within yourself today?

Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to raise your vibration and change the anxiety of waiting to anticipation and excitement for the future. A simple gratitude practice is to reflect on five things you are grateful for each morning or each evening before going to sleep. I tend to say thank you and gratitude prayers in my morning conversation with God, Angels, Guides and Spirits while I drive to work.

Gratitude

Gratitude

As Always – I will be including the Loving Kindness Prayer on every post going forward because I believe love can and will triump over evil. Light will prevail over darkness. I believe we need to put LOVE into the Universe. Love each other…

Remember to put a little love in the world by saying the Loving Kindness Prayer for someone special. I often like to say it for special people in my life as well for groups such as my family, friends, coworkers and all beings.

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

I claim love as my vibration for 2019.
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Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

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Growing Up Sexy

Blue Love Art

I have a pretty face and a sexy body.  My breasts are full, my hips are wide; I have the traditional hourglass type of body.  My body is not skinny nor is it fat.  It is womanly, voluptuous.  I grew up turning men’s heads. I grew up sexy.

Growing up sexy has not always been easy.  When I was a teenager, a man I loved and trusted in my family attempted to rape me twice while he was high on Cocaine and alcohol.  I was able to fight off the first attack because he was so drunk. The second attack was more violent & aggressive. I was thrown against a wall and hurt. By the grace of God the noise woke my eldest sister, Sandy, who saved me; she also protected me from him and ensured my mother removed him from our home immediately. This is the first time I am writing about this on this blog.  I am writing about it in the context of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) diagnosis and writing to show how traumatic events can have a long-term impact on people’s lives.

I have been seeing a therapist for over five years.  My official diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is multi-faceted for me, including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I’ve been struggling lately. My therapist and I believe grief from my best friend’s death in April is triggering PTSD flashbacks causing depression and anxiety.

As my therapist and I started to follow the threads of traumatic events in my life, we could clearly see it started with my father dying when I was seven; the two attempted rape attacks were the next traumas I encountered.  Other traumas I’ve experienced along the way include my sister dying from a long-term terminal illness, my brother-in-law dying of a heart attack at an Eagles vs. Dallas game in the Lincoln Financial Stadium in Philadelphia and most recently my best friend dying from Cancer. There have been other tragedies and traumas in my life but the events listed above are the major events that left the biggest scars.  Since I have been allowing myself to live in the truth of my past, it is now time for me to openly express my feelings about them so I can perhaps stop the flashbacks, calm the anxiety, live with memories and open one day to a healthy loving relationship with a man.

Without a father figure in my life and being victimized by a man I loved and trusted as a teenager, I never really knew how to be loved, truly loved, by a man.  When I was in my 20s, I can remember hearing my boyfriend(at the time) say to his friends one night that I was the kind of girl who was good for fucking but not the kind you marry.  Low self-esteem, never truly loving myself and not knowing how to allow a man to love me set me up for casual relationships and unhealthy sexual behaviors through most of my 20s and into my early 30s.

Through my 40s and 50s I’ve healed and grown spiritually. I know understand the energy that is exchanged in sex. I also respect my body and learned to care for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I will say that honestly I will not give my body away to any man who does not love me or hold pure intentions towards me. Friends tell me I should date more, “Have fun”, “get mine” and “live a little”.  Given my history, it is healthier for me to wait for a man who values and cares for my emotional well-being as well as desires my body. It is better to wait to give my body to man who understands who I am, how I got here and why it matters so much to me that he understands my anxiety.

Since I want to heal, lose my fear and make room for the love in my heart and life, I need to dance with my demons for a bit and understand how I got here. I want to see and understand how I ended up 51 years old single, never married and without children still choosing subconsciously to love men at a distance.  How did I end up standing in the same skin I had when I was seven not allowing anyone to truly love me? I need to understand how this happened so I can work to heal. This isn’t an easy journey but I feel it’s necessary for me to get a better handle on the flashbacks and mitigate the affects of any future traumatic events.

In recent years, there has been a man in my life that I love deeply and truly. I call him Blue love. I’ve enjoyed our sexual attraction. I love our flirtation. I love to write erotic poetry for him. He’s a fun playmate but I also know he cares about me.  However, it is not lost on me that I am in love with a man who can’t be available for me to hold, touch and feel. We can only love each other at a distance. The word that comes to mind is “safe”. It’s safe for both of us to love each other.

I do believe Blue Love and I are soul mates. I believe we share a deep meaningful connection.  We were meant to be in each other’s lives. My connection to Blue Love has been very healthy for me. It’s perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me will respect and treat me well. Blue Love showed me a man who cares for me expresses his love and respect for me by not taking advantage of me physically. Through Blue Love I allowed myself to trust again. I would put my life and heart in his hands because I know he would also protect me.

While I would love for Blue Love to be my happily ever after, I understand he may not be. I am, however, thankful he’s been in my life the last few years because now I know what a man caring for me feels like. Only time will tell what happens between us in the future.  I guess all I am trying to say about Blue Love is I trust him enough to allow him to see me – all of me – even the wounded parts. That says a lot coming from me and understanding my history. I hope he can see the depth of meaning it has for me that I allow him to see me. I have not let any other man see me in this way.

This is not a #metoo post.  This is not a statement about the sexual objectification of women.   I enjoyed being sexy all of my life.  I still enjoy being sexy.  I like that men look at me.  I absolutely love the look in Blue Love’s eyes when he looks at my body.  I will not hide my body nor down play my breasts so they are less noticeable.  I like getting dressed, putting make-up on and being sexy.  It makes me feel womanly and feminine. I will continue to flirt shamelessly with Blue Love and write him erotic poetry. I like growing up sexy.

This post is about how traumas leave scars and burdens that change us.  It is a post about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with depression, anxiety and flashbacks. It is post about self-love.  It is a post about finally living in truth, honesty and authenticity. What happened in my past was NOT my fault but it is still my burden.   A burden I carry every day. A burden that held me back from love. A burden that welled up in my heart a few weeks ago and came to my consciousness for a reason – it wants to be healed.  A burden I am ready to hopefully release.

In sharing this information so openly I hope that people reading this do not judge me. Believe me; I spent a long time judging myself.  I hope only to share this information as a way to start releasing the heaviness in my heart and free up some room for a man to love me.  At the same time, I will not judge any man in my life for the person he was in the past or for “extra-curricular” relationships he may have had in the past. Perhaps he didn’t feel truly loved either. The only thing I care about is today. I only care about who we are choosing to be today and being kind to each other now.

With my history written in this blog, I clearly need the man in my life who is patient and understanding with my anxieties. I need to be his only women. My love needs to be enough for him. Any man who touches my body needs to be mine and only mine. I am allowing myself to feel pain so I can heal and be loved. I am not sure I would survive another heartbreak.

If you believe you may suffer from PTSD, anxiety and flashbacks related to traumatic events, please consider seeking help. Allow yourself to heal. We will never be cured but it can be managed and we can be healed.

Here’s an article I found helpful on PTSD
https://www.gracepointwellness.org/109-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

😘

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Rescue me

  
People who are “sensitive” or are Empaths often have trouble being in places that are crowded, with bright lights and loud noises. The energy that is created in those environments can be overwhelming.

Last night I went to see Florida Georgia Line, Thomas Rhett & Frankie Ballard at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, NJ with two of my nieces who are 31 & 32 years old. The concert was sold out and it was crazy crowded. I could feel anxiety growing inside of me all afternoon. I was moving through it and refusing to take Xanax. I was trying to use breath control to release the mounting anxiety. As the music started pounding so did my chest. The screaming, hollering and flashing lights – well, it damn near made me past out from my heart pounding out of my chest. My hands were shaking as I reached into the pill case in my purse to find Xanax.

In my head I went through scenarios as my chest pounded and my head spun. I didn’t tell my nieces anything. But, I was thinking, “what if I pass out? I don’t want to ruin the show for the girls. Should I leave? They are not good in a crisis. Where is the fucking Xanax?.” I found the Xanax. I remember a little trick my doctor taught me about breaking off a piece and putting it under my tongue to get it into the blood stream quicker. I slowly felt everything calm down and within15 – 20 minutes I was absolutely fine.

As I was watching the show I was thinking about what happened. I realized it has happened at least three times in similar situations. It happened last night. It happened last summer when I saw Darius Rucker at the Borgata and that night it hit just as the lights started flashing, people started screaming and music started pounding. And, it happened when I went to see Joel Osteen in Harrisburg. He was in a sold out Stadium. It was much like a rock concert.

In my younger years, I had these feelings too in some situations. But I assumed it was because I didn’t like large crowds. But, I started realizing it is not anxiety in the traditional sense. It’s over stimulation anxiety. My senses were over stimulated.  A lot of “sensitive/Empathetic people experience this. The emotions of the people surrounding me. The pounding music. The screaming. The strobing lights and being stuck in the middle of a long row with no easy way out. It was all too much for my senses.

My choices are to stay home and not participate in these types of events or I can do so knowing I’ll need Xanax to do it. I had a wonderful time my nieces last night. We made memories and enjoyed a night together away from the rest of family. I was glad I went and glad I had Xanax to rescue me. That’s why Xanax is called a rescue medicine. I’m not too proud to allow myself to be rescued while enjoying life with people I love.

Below are videos from country artists I saw last night. But, “Somewhere With You” by Kenny Chesney is still one of my favs😄👍❤️
———
After finishing this post, I started thinking about how my heart was beating last night. I have a Congential Arrhythmia. It’s innocent but it can be triggered by lifestyle choices. It did feel like I was out of rhythm when it was happening. I googled it. There is some correlations to loud Bass to the electrial impulses of the heart. An arrhythmia is an electrical problem. It has nothing to do with structure, plaque, cholesterol or age. It electrical impulse issue. I have an appointment with my Cardiologist at Penn in Philly for an EKG & checkup on June 17th. I’ll ask him about loud bass sound at concerts and my arrhythmia. Because it makes sense to me. Xanax definitely leveled me out👍

Photo Credit

J

ean-Léon Gérôme 

http://www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com

Taking On Anxiety

   

 I’m writing this post on a Greyhound Bus Traveling from Atlantic City, NJ to Midtown Manhattan. I’m going to NYC to take anxiety head on. 

Anxiety. You don’t know how crippling anxiety can be until you have it. My cousin got Panic attacks when were young. I used to help her through them. But I never understood how humbling they could be until I had one. 

A few years ago I started having some health problems. Anxiety rode along with those issues. Over time my body healed. Physically I’m pretty much the healthiest I’ve ever been. I feel good. My body is strong and emotionally I’m very stable and balanced. But, unfortunately, anxiety has remained. 

I don’t have anxiety every day. Actually most days I don’t have it. But, new social situations, large groups of unfamiliar people, speaking in front of large groups, traveling out of my comfort zone of South Jersey & Philadelphia often triggers an attack. 

I’ve been working with a Psychologist to gain coping mechanisms and to control my anxiety with rational thought. One thing I’m working on is to turn off the rambling thoughts of the “what if” thinker. What if my Arrhythmia acts up while I’m out of town and I can’t get to a hospital? What if I eat something that makes me sick? What if I have an allergic reaction? What if I can’t get home? What if…What if…What if…My what if thinker is very active and very irrational. I’m learning to acknowledge the irrational thought and tell myself the worse won’t happen and I’ll be ok. 

In recent months I’ve taken strides to address the social anxieties. I’ve been forcing myself to participate in group events. I even went to a baby shower at work the other day to force myself to interact more. I’m naturally inclined to be quiet and an introvert. I can’t guarantee I’ll ever be super talkative, chatty Kathy or Miss Congeniality. But, at least, social anxiety will not hold me back. 

I’m an independent, self-sufficient kind of girl. I’ve learned to not need anyone and to only rely on myself. I’ve always taken off on my own for road trips, solo yoga retreats and weekends in NYC. I enjoy doing it. If I could find a job similar to the one I have in NYC, I would even consider living in the Village. I love it.  But in recent years, anxiety robbed me of my ability to travel independently. I won’t stand for this any longer. I won’t lose that part of myself. I refuse to give in. I came up with a plan to reclaim my life and travel independence. 

Saturday, March 21st is my 48th Birthday. I am taking my anxiety head on by going to NYC alone  Friday to Saturday. I’m going to enjoy some art, catch a yoga class or two and enjoy the city I’m so familiar with and love.  People offered to go with me. But I need to do this alone.  I almost chickened out. NYC is expecting 3-5 inches of snow today. I’m going away. I’m wearing UGGs,I packed warm clothes(scarf & hat) & I packed my Xanax. I’m all set 😄👍 On a side note,  The dude sitting behind me is snoring and will quite possibly suck me into his hostile with his next breath 😄😄😄 

Amelia Earhart said, “Fears are paper tigers.”  In other words, we make things worse and bigger than they actually are. I’ve learned through my life that most fear is irrational. Today I’m breaking through one of my paper tigers👍😄  

Follow the Twitter Feed on the right sidebar of my Blog for updates throughout the trip. I’ll post a blog when I get home with a recap of my trip.   

 

(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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Photo Credit
Google Image search for “anxiety images”

  

The Guest In My House

rumiquote

This is the post that I’ve been somewhat reluctant to write. It’s been rolling around in my head for a while now. I’ve been carrying it around on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s weighing me down. I decided I needed to write it out. If for no other reason, than to lighten my load a bit and maybe move some of this crap aside for something good to come along.

I’ve been under a lot of pressure in recent months. Different forms of pressure which has been building anxiety which leads to depression and more pressure. It’s been a vicious cycle for me. I am a very positive upbeat person. So, I’ve been pressuring myself even more to get it together and focus on the positive side of things. But, am I really just avoiding what I am feeling by redirecting my thoughts constantly? Is that why I can’t seem to loosen the noose around my neck? I’m not acknowledging my feelings. Therefore, I’m keeping them inside.

A few weeks ago I sensed that I was struggling to regain my balance. Like a Nine Layer Chocolate Cake things start lying on top of me until I was almost choking to take a breadth. All the while I told everyone “I’m good.” Lol. That was a flat out lie. I wasn’t good. I haven’t been good. I was afraid to show it. It’s a weakness. I didn’t want anyone to know. Funny, because I thought I was a girl who really did not care what others think of me. I guess I was wrong. As hard as I tried to get control of it, that’s how much I was starting to spin out of control.

I found myself on the slippery slope with a professional frustration that made me feel like I wasn’t being heard. I can deal with this and I was dealing with it. But, that was the first issue that was weighing on my mind and keeping me up at nights.

Around mid-November I started not feeling well. I am still navigating this issue. The GYN Reproductive Endocrinologist I saw in Philly on Friday was excellent. She is ranked as “Best in Philly.” I had blood work drawn in her office at 1130am & she called me 430 that afternoon to give prelim results. There was something important she wanted me to know as soon as possible. I was also given a preliminary diagnosis of Adenomyosis which is swelling of the Uterus caused by Estrogen Dominance. The swollen Uterus to pushing on everything around it and causing the pain. I need a Pelvic MRI with Contrast later this week to be sure there aren’t any growth causing the Uterus to be swollen before we can talk about treatment options which will probably start with Progesterone Therapy and possibly a Hysterectomy.

The Holidays always bring a fair amount of anxiety for me. As a former life of the party kind of girl, it’s not easy for me to go to holiday parties and be sober all the time. With not feeling well, I skipped most of the social activity this holiday season which probably contributed to the depression.

And, last by not least, a man from my past contracted me. It would have been so easy to have had sex with him and lose my unhappiness for just one night. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I kept thinking about the feelings I have for another man. I just couldn’t. Also, instinctually, I didn’t want to open a door I was wise to close. While it was nice to hear from him, I still think it’s best we leave what we had in the past. He wasn’t good for me then. He’s not good for me now. He won’t be good for me in the future. However,
Hearing from him made me start thinking. The sad truth is a lot of men do not want to date a woman who can’t drink alcohol. That is my truth. I can’t change it. If I drink alcohol, my Liver will be in jeopardy. A lot of men don’t want to date a woman with high maintenance dietary restrictions. I can’t really change that either. It is what it is. Now, I’m going to be adding a probable hysterectomy & menopause to the list. It’s all too much. Plus, A lot of men don’t want to date a woman who was never married and has no children. They think there’s something wrong with me. The truth is I spent a lot of years taking care of other people without looking out for myself and life just slid by. By the time I started focusing on me it was too late for those things. Well, at least it was too late for children. I suppose on some level I find myself living with a sadness of what could have been if only I would have opened my eyes ten years ago. What could have been if I would have loved myself enough to allow others to love me? My heart was a locked vault. Now, it’s open and I feel things profoundly deeper. In some ways this is better and in some ways it is worse.

I am not dating right now. I am trying to get my hormones balanced before I do that. Lol😄 I think this will prevent a lot of drama in my future relationships. Lol😄 But, all of this swirling inside of me started depressing me in recent weeks. I spend a lot of time alone and I started wondering if I will ever meet someone who accepts me, loves me and needs me the way I need them❤️A friend suggested I sign up for Match.com to meet new people. Could you even imagine my profile? It stresses me out just thinking about it. Actually, it’s comical. I will not be doing that. I am not ready to jump into the dating pool anyway. Balancing my hormones and getting my Uterus straightened out is my first priority👍.

I would be remised if I didn’t mention I still do have very strong feelings for a man with crystal blue eyes. But, the reality is we are in a complicated situation. I allowed myself to consider what I want my life to be like if I can’t have him. What if we are only meant to be friends? While I intuitively feel something so much deeper happening between us, I must also hold a space for the possibility for a different reality. Honestly, if I can’t have him, I want a man just like him. He is cute, funny, sexy, smart and a good man. He has a good soul. I see it in his eyes. His influence in my life brought out some wonderful things in me. I want to tell him everything but I hold back because I’m not sure if he wants me to tell him everything. Part of me just wants to walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist and just stand there in the comfort of his arms for a few moments. But I won’t – actually I can’t right now. But if I could, I would. And I’d say “Thank You. I humbly thank you for the Passion I feel between us. It returned the fire to my soul and sparked sultry hot smoldering poetry. Thank you for setting an example for me. Thank you for showing what kind of man I want and deserve to have in my life. Thank you MBE. Thank you. With all the love I can hold in my heart, I thank you.” The truth it is I want it to be him. But, and it’s a big but, it may not be him. And, in recent weeks I’ve been allowing myself the opportunity to live with the notion that it may not be him no matter how much I love or want him. But, I want it to be him. I do I really do want him to be the man in my life. But, I have to accept our limitations without pressuring him.

Yesterday was the day that I felt a spontaneous explosion slowly simmering inside of me. I kept to myself. I avoided conversations. I kept the festering monster hidden from view. Until…Until I knew I was in a safe place to explode. Sensing I was on the brink of breaking, I started seeing a therapist again to help me navigate these heavy emotions. She got an earful last night. She helped me break through the sadness and honor the truth. As I was walking out the door last night her last words to me were, “Linda, I am so very proud of you. You don’t even realized how much you’ve grown, how mature you’ve become. You don’t even see how beautiful you are. You stood in your own power. You whethered this giant storm in your life. You are still standing all on your own, without alcohol, without fake friends, without casual sex and without a man to validate you. You are doing this on your own. You are emulating the strength you seek. Go home knowing I am proud of you.” Her words made me cry. Actually, they kept me up all night crying.

I hesitated writing this blog for a long time because I was embarrassed to admit I was struggling with depression. I didn’t want anyone to know. But, I chose to write this post and reveal my deepest feelings to not only release the heaviness from my soul but to also give others in similar situations the freedom to do the same.

I admitted I was depressed for the first time on Friday afternoon. I was shopping with my niece, Nikki. Nik is 31. We are very close. She told me I was allowed to be depressed. She told me there was no need to put a happy face on for her. She also offered her spare bedroom to me whenever I want company. She has a cute Pitbull puppy. I like playing with him. He gives me puppy kisses💋 Mostly I just loved how she didn’t try to cheer me up. She didn’t try to get me to see the bright side. She just accepted where I was and what I was feeling. She said she wants to take care of me the way I always have taken care of her❤️ She helped me tremendously without even realizing it.

If life is pushing you to the brink of despair, instead of avoiding it or running from it, just sit and be with it. Invite it into your home. Have some tea. Become friends with the darkness of your own soul. Once you own it, it can no longer control you. Your demons lose their power when you see them for what they are.

Lastly, please seek professional help if you feel you can’t cope on your own.

(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

Seven Ravens (Long post)

 

March 31, 2014 – I took some online quiz to find out what my Spirit Animal was this morning while I was laying in bed at 4:30am.  It said I was a Raven.  The description said, “In some mythologies, the Raven represents the Creator. It is a dark, mysterious, and highly intelligent animal. Like the Raven, your soul is filled with creative energy. You will make something that others will be in awe of…”.

It reminded me of the the “Seven Ravens” poem I wrote a couple years ago and it also reminded of the post I wrote last year at a time of reflection.  The last three years of my life have been nothing short of unbelievable. These three years of my life were filled with complete honesty and authenticity. I stripped everything away and truly saw myself.  I learned to love everything I saw in myself even the things that aren’t pretty. I survived, overcame and blossomed in spite of opposition, naysayers and negative forces.  I rode out the highs and lows. I made changes and choices. I found the courage to let go of anything and anyone who held me back, wasn’t good for me, spoke negatively about me, didn’t wish me well and wasn’t healthy for me in body and spirit. None of it was easy. But, I did it.  I choose it every day. If I could chose between my life ten years ago and my life today, I choose today.

I am grateful that God gave me the choice.  Many in life do not get choices. I got them and I feel I took responsibility and owned my life and my actions.  I grateful that I am not afraid to show my vulnerability on this blog or to the people I care about.  I recognize a good soul when I see one and to them I will show all of me. I will NOT hold back or hide from those who I know belong in my life. I live in gratitude everyday for the life I am living now.  It didn’t happen by chance. It happened by choice. 

I choose today!
___________________________

May 1, 2013 – I originally wrote the poem, Seven Ravens, in October 2o11.  At that time, I was sick, I was depressed and I was overwhelmed. And, a relationship abruptly ended after a horrible incident. It almost broke me that it all was happening at the same time. Sensing that the only way I was going to survive the storm my life was in was to relax in to it and just let go. I felt like if I didn’t stop resisting everything or if I kept trying to hold on, then I was truly was going to die.  I tried to do it my way. I tried to force my path. But, nothing was working.  I was filled with anxiety.  But, I was so afraid to let go of everything I knew. I was so afraid to change. I was afraid I would lose my friendships and my social life. I didn’t think I was strong enough to do what life was calling me to do. I was ready to give up rather than change.

Everywhere I went I was receiving little messages of comfort and reassurance from unusual places.  People out of the blue telling me it was going to be ok. Phone calls from people I lost contact with saying they had dreams about me. And, I was having recurring dreams of my decease sister and father holding my hand.  Talk about spiritual experiences!  

On one particular day I was exceptionally anxious. When I am feeling anxious I chant and visualize my lucky number seven. While doing this, I take deep breaths. This practice seems to work like magic at calming me down and returning me to peace. So, one day after I was chanting and visualizing the number seven I logged into Facebook. I started reading status updates and then I saw “Seven, a journey” posted on a friend’s status. It was so unbelievable that as I was chanting and visualizing the number seven to relieve anxiety as she posting the number seven as a journey.

I called her and told her about the synchronicity of our actions. She told me Seven Ravens landed on her window ledge at the same moment I was chanting and visualizing the number. Incredible! She told me about the Native American meaning of Seven Ravens. Seven Ravens is a Native American symbol of a journey. The Seven Ravens come to you to provide you direction and safe passage in your journey.  As the Ravens sat on her window ledge, she prayed. Then one by one she watched as each flew off carrying her prayers into the wind. She said the Ravens gave her great peace and comfort. They were a confirmation that the choices she has been making are good for her. And, now she knew for sure I was on the right path as well. In traditional Medicine cards, Ravens symbolize strength and healing.

That was 19 months ago.  If I only knew how my life would be changed. If I only knew how much healthier I would be. If I only knew my broken heart would mend. If I only knew I would find peace and happiness within my own soul. If I only knew those Seven Ravens were providing me a safe passage on this incredible journey. Would I have continued on knowing everything I would eventually change and give up? I don’t know. All I know is the friends that really mattered are still in my life even though I don’t go out drinking with them. They support me now in what I am doing. What I do know is that Yoga has been a refuge and safe haven for me and has provide me relief and sanity on some hard days. What I do know is that my world has opened up and new powerful spirits and come in and refreshed my spirit with hope. What I do know is that I am healed and back to living. I am changed forever and that was supposed to be my journey all along. I was jus too afraid and stubborn to give in. But, oh what magic happened once I finally let go…

To those seven beautiful ravens, thank you for providing me safe passage. I am eternally grateful.

Seven Ravens – Love, Sex & Poetry
By: Linda A. Long

Did you hear that?
It was a voice
Gently calling your name
If I close my eyes
I can play its melody
In my mind
Calling to you
The sound calms my spirit
And nourishes my soul
Softly drifting
It carries me to sleep
The sound of your name
Carried by the wind
Nestled gingerly
On a leaf
Floating miles
To my window
As if to heal me
And bring My weary heart Peace
In its presence
I say your name
As low as a whisper
I place it carefully
On the backs of
seven ravens
And ask the ravens
To protect your journey
And to keep you safe from harm
They leave my window
And take flight
Saying your name
With a message of love
Seven Ravens journey
From me to you
They wait
to softly kiss
your ear
Preached on the ledge
They sit
with the melody
of my name
On their backs
to sing to you
Their song
Of love and peace
Seven Ravens
A journey
Follow the raven
© 2011 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
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Photo Credit
Fine Art Print Grimm FairyTale Seven Ravens & Girl 8.3 x 11.7 inches
by: Christina Lank
Retrieved Fromhttp://www.etsy.com/listing/114107463/fine-art-print-grimm-fairytale-seven?ref=market