Love Over Fear

For those who follow planetary activity, Mercury Retrograde ends on December 6th. Mercury Retrograde is usually time of miscommunications, technology snafus, missed connections and sticky contract issues. Many feel you shouldn’t sign contracts or make major purchases during the Retrograde. This can also be a time that the past comes back for reflections when we are presented a choice to go back or go move forward.

I look at the past differently now that I look at it through a lens of self care and self love. When I reflect on the past these days, I can see when not taking care of myself and not loving myself enough led me to make poor choices or perhaps put me in a position to accept less than I wanted or deserved.

Relationships with men have always been a complicated and sticky area of my life. Mostly because every relationship I’ve been in has been clouded by unresolved pain, grief and loss from the death of my father at the age of seven. I never really allowed myself to grieve properly for that loss for many years. My relationships were also clouded by a lack of trust that stayed with me after sex assaults by a family member when I was older which led to a fear of intimacy from constant heartbreaks and disappointments.

For a long time, I blamed the men who were in my life. I was the victim and our unsuccessful relationships were their fault and responsibility. In fairness, it is true that a few of them hurt me so deeply that they deserved the blame but as I’ve healed from my past traumas I can see there were a couple of good ones. As I stand here now, I can see I pushed away the good ones because I was too damaged, at that time, to be able to accept their love and attention. I never felt worthy. That’s a powerful awareness to have about oneself. The depth of self-sabotage I’ve done in my relationships is hard to look now that I am “healed” but it’s also something I can no longer turn away from or repress. I must look at that ugly truth. I must look at it to heal it.

Something has changed in me in the last year. Perhaps it’s finally having the courage to touch the pain of sexual assault by someone who was supposed to protect me that opened me up to healing. Maybe it’s finally learning how to take care of myself that brought about the new me. Maybe it was falling in love with myself that finally allowed me to let go of my past that changed me. It’s been quite roller coaster of emotions for me the last year but one I feel I needed to ride. In going on this emotional ride, I’ve gained some freedom and let go of burdens that really were not mine to carry.

I once again almost ran into a old flame last night in the grocery store. This time was different. I saw him looking at produce; he had his head down. I backed away and walked on by. I didn’t avoid him because I hate him. I didn’t avoid him because I blame him. I didn’t avoid him because he hurt me. I avoided him because we just were not good for each other and there is no reason to open old wounds for either one of us. I walked on by because it was best for my well-being to maintain a distance. There’s no anger in my heart towards him but there is love in my heart now… Self Love. I loved myself enough to choose to not engage with him.

I am more concerned about my relationship with myself these days than anyone else so no one should interpret this post to mean I am “looking”. I am not “looking”. I am just saying it’s nice to feel unburdened and hopeful after so many years of living with repressed trauma. I am lighter, better, healthier and happier now than ever before. Looking at my past traumas and being willing to sit with the pain was an act of self love that I am grateful I finally allowed myself accept and honor. A “Course In Miracles” says, “A Miracle is choosing LOVE over fear!” I guess you can say I’ve been blessed by a Miracle.

How have you loved yourself lately? Can you truly love yourself with enough openness to accept the love you deserve and are worthy of receiving? Are you willing to touch your deepest pain to feel deep true love again? Can you choose LOVE over fear and be blessed by a Miracle?

(C) 2018 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

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Love over fear

The Guest In My House

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This is the post that I’ve been somewhat reluctant to write. It’s been rolling around in my head for a while now. I’ve been carrying it around on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s weighing me down. I decided I needed to write it out. If for no other reason, than to lighten my load a bit and maybe move some of this crap aside for something good to come along.

I’ve been under a lot of pressure in recent months. Different forms of pressure which has been building anxiety which leads to depression and more pressure. It’s been a vicious cycle for me. I am a very positive upbeat person. So, I’ve been pressuring myself even more to get it together and focus on the positive side of things. But, am I really just avoiding what I am feeling by redirecting my thoughts constantly? Is that why I can’t seem to loosen the noose around my neck? I’m not acknowledging my feelings. Therefore, I’m keeping them inside.

A few weeks ago I sensed that I was struggling to regain my balance. Like a Nine Layer Chocolate Cake things start lying on top of me until I was almost choking to take a breadth. All the while I told everyone “I’m good.” Lol. That was a flat out lie. I wasn’t good. I haven’t been good. I was afraid to show it. It’s a weakness. I didn’t want anyone to know. Funny, because I thought I was a girl who really did not care what others think of me. I guess I was wrong. As hard as I tried to get control of it, that’s how much I was starting to spin out of control.

I found myself on the slippery slope with a professional frustration that made me feel like I wasn’t being heard. I can deal with this and I was dealing with it. But, that was the first issue that was weighing on my mind and keeping me up at nights.

Around mid-November I started not feeling well. I am still navigating this issue. The GYN Reproductive Endocrinologist I saw in Philly on Friday was excellent. She is ranked as “Best in Philly.” I had blood work drawn in her office at 1130am & she called me 430 that afternoon to give prelim results. There was something important she wanted me to know as soon as possible. I was also given a preliminary diagnosis of Adenomyosis which is swelling of the Uterus caused by Estrogen Dominance. The swollen Uterus to pushing on everything around it and causing the pain. I need a Pelvic MRI with Contrast later this week to be sure there aren’t any growth causing the Uterus to be swollen before we can talk about treatment options which will probably start with Progesterone Therapy and possibly a Hysterectomy.

The Holidays always bring a fair amount of anxiety for me. As a former life of the party kind of girl, it’s not easy for me to go to holiday parties and be sober all the time. With not feeling well, I skipped most of the social activity this holiday season which probably contributed to the depression.

And, last by not least, a man from my past contracted me. It would have been so easy to have had sex with him and lose my unhappiness for just one night. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I kept thinking about the feelings I have for another man. I just couldn’t. Also, instinctually, I didn’t want to open a door I was wise to close. While it was nice to hear from him, I still think it’s best we leave what we had in the past. He wasn’t good for me then. He’s not good for me now. He won’t be good for me in the future. However,
Hearing from him made me start thinking. The sad truth is a lot of men do not want to date a woman who can’t drink alcohol. That is my truth. I can’t change it. If I drink alcohol, my Liver will be in jeopardy. A lot of men don’t want to date a woman with high maintenance dietary restrictions. I can’t really change that either. It is what it is. Now, I’m going to be adding a probable hysterectomy & menopause to the list. It’s all too much. Plus, A lot of men don’t want to date a woman who was never married and has no children. They think there’s something wrong with me. The truth is I spent a lot of years taking care of other people without looking out for myself and life just slid by. By the time I started focusing on me it was too late for those things. Well, at least it was too late for children. I suppose on some level I find myself living with a sadness of what could have been if only I would have opened my eyes ten years ago. What could have been if I would have loved myself enough to allow others to love me? My heart was a locked vault. Now, it’s open and I feel things profoundly deeper. In some ways this is better and in some ways it is worse.

I am not dating right now. I am trying to get my hormones balanced before I do that. Lol😄 I think this will prevent a lot of drama in my future relationships. Lol😄 But, all of this swirling inside of me started depressing me in recent weeks. I spend a lot of time alone and I started wondering if I will ever meet someone who accepts me, loves me and needs me the way I need them❤️A friend suggested I sign up for Match.com to meet new people. Could you even imagine my profile? It stresses me out just thinking about it. Actually, it’s comical. I will not be doing that. I am not ready to jump into the dating pool anyway. Balancing my hormones and getting my Uterus straightened out is my first priority👍.

I would be remised if I didn’t mention I still do have very strong feelings for a man with crystal blue eyes. But, the reality is we are in a complicated situation. I allowed myself to consider what I want my life to be like if I can’t have him. What if we are only meant to be friends? While I intuitively feel something so much deeper happening between us, I must also hold a space for the possibility for a different reality. Honestly, if I can’t have him, I want a man just like him. He is cute, funny, sexy, smart and a good man. He has a good soul. I see it in his eyes. His influence in my life brought out some wonderful things in me. I want to tell him everything but I hold back because I’m not sure if he wants me to tell him everything. Part of me just wants to walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist and just stand there in the comfort of his arms for a few moments. But I won’t – actually I can’t right now. But if I could, I would. And I’d say “Thank You. I humbly thank you for the Passion I feel between us. It returned the fire to my soul and sparked sultry hot smoldering poetry. Thank you for setting an example for me. Thank you for showing what kind of man I want and deserve to have in my life. Thank you MBE. Thank you. With all the love I can hold in my heart, I thank you.” The truth it is I want it to be him. But, and it’s a big but, it may not be him. And, in recent weeks I’ve been allowing myself the opportunity to live with the notion that it may not be him no matter how much I love or want him. But, I want it to be him. I do I really do want him to be the man in my life. But, I have to accept our limitations without pressuring him.

Yesterday was the day that I felt a spontaneous explosion slowly simmering inside of me. I kept to myself. I avoided conversations. I kept the festering monster hidden from view. Until…Until I knew I was in a safe place to explode. Sensing I was on the brink of breaking, I started seeing a therapist again to help me navigate these heavy emotions. She got an earful last night. She helped me break through the sadness and honor the truth. As I was walking out the door last night her last words to me were, “Linda, I am so very proud of you. You don’t even realized how much you’ve grown, how mature you’ve become. You don’t even see how beautiful you are. You stood in your own power. You whethered this giant storm in your life. You are still standing all on your own, without alcohol, without fake friends, without casual sex and without a man to validate you. You are doing this on your own. You are emulating the strength you seek. Go home knowing I am proud of you.” Her words made me cry. Actually, they kept me up all night crying.

I hesitated writing this blog for a long time because I was embarrassed to admit I was struggling with depression. I didn’t want anyone to know. But, I chose to write this post and reveal my deepest feelings to not only release the heaviness from my soul but to also give others in similar situations the freedom to do the same.

I admitted I was depressed for the first time on Friday afternoon. I was shopping with my niece, Nikki. Nik is 31. We are very close. She told me I was allowed to be depressed. She told me there was no need to put a happy face on for her. She also offered her spare bedroom to me whenever I want company. She has a cute Pitbull puppy. I like playing with him. He gives me puppy kisses💋 Mostly I just loved how she didn’t try to cheer me up. She didn’t try to get me to see the bright side. She just accepted where I was and what I was feeling. She said she wants to take care of me the way I always have taken care of her❤️ She helped me tremendously without even realizing it.

If life is pushing you to the brink of despair, instead of avoiding it or running from it, just sit and be with it. Invite it into your home. Have some tea. Become friends with the darkness of your own soul. Once you own it, it can no longer control you. Your demons lose their power when you see them for what they are.

Lastly, please seek professional help if you feel you can’t cope on your own.

(C) 2015 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved

Salvation Lies Within

Somewhere in the middle of your everyday life it is possible to open your eyes to the possibilities that lie before you and want more. Rather than accepting the morsel of bread you were given it is possible for you to believe you are deserving of more and start taking steps, even small steps, towards something bigger.

Waiting for it to be easy is, frankly, lazy. Anything worth having is worth working hard for in this life. Waiting for everything to be perfect is an excuse. Nothing is perfect in life. We live in imperfection but still somehow succeed. Waiting to be absolutely positively sure you are doing the right thing lacks courage and faith. Sometimes we have to just jump and have faith the parachute will open.

I certainly do not have all the answers in life. But, I am not afraid to ask the questions of myself or others. I am not afraid to look at myself, challenge my beliefs, grow and change. I am not afraid to step into my own personal best and demand more of myself. Accepting less than one deserves is settling. I don’t need to settle. Assuming you’ll screw it up, once again, lacks faith. Oh Yee of little faith. Would you please pray a little and find something to believe in?

No, I am not religious. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t claim to have a firm grasp on the Bible and depths of its meaning. But, I am spiritual. I believe in God. I believe Jesus Christ is my savior. I believe there is a power higher and stronger than me that I can trust in times of need. But, I also believe salvation lies within. Each individual person must take responsibility for their past, present and future and hold themselves accountable for their actions and, in some cases, their lack of action.

True salvation lies within and is a choice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop assuming nothing good ever happens to you. Stop punishing yourself for mistakes you’ve made and forgive yourself once and for all. Choose to be the best version of yourself, whoever that may be. With reflection, courage, fortitude and a good plan anyone can save their own soul and choose salvation.

Salvation lies within…

  • Salvation (satinthenewsavior.wordpress.com)