Self Care Sunday ~ My WHY

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I had a super crazy busy stressful intense work week. By Wednesday, I could feel it taking a toll. In the afternoon walked out into the hallway break room to get a bottle of water before a meeting. When I got back to my desk, I realized I lost my phone. Since I have an Apple Watch, I can tell when my phone is within range of my watch. When I got to the break room, I could see it was near by. So I pinged it. There was a guy I didn’t know standing on the other side of room. We were both confused because we could both hear it but not see it. Then he leaned over and put his ear close to the trash can and said, “OMG, it’s in here! You threw out your iPhone!”🤣As I pulled it out of the trash he said, “Man, I don’t think I even want to know what’s going on in your world today. You threw out your iPhone and didn’t even know it! ” 🤣 Yep, I threw out a $600 iPhone and didn’t even realize it; that is how preoccupied I was with this damn job.

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After spending a whole week working very closely with my Director to give presentations to her bosses and external stakeholders, she said to me on Thursday, “Every aspect of this is hard and complicated. We just have to remember the good you are doing for the industry in the long run!”😄 It was in that moment I remembered my professional “WHY”. The reason I took the job in the first place is that ten years down the road I will be able to look back at this time and say I played a role in changing the workforce in my industry. The new programs I am working to establish will develop and change workforce in my industry for the future. I am starting it. I’ve said since day one, I only want to make a meaningful contribution. I want to make a difference. God gave me what I asked for but he never said it would be easy 🤣 He also didn’t tell me I would throw away a $600 iPhone because I was so preoccupied by the damn job but he certainly gave me what I asked for. He gave me a way to make real difference not only in my organization, not just in my “company” but in the whole damn industry. God is good.

While the situation with the phone was funny and my coworkers were cracking up, the truth is…it worried me that I did it. It’s not the first time I’ve been so preoccupied that I did something stupid since starting this job. It was a wake up call for me. I need find a new way to manage the pressure and responsibilities of this job with some self awareness. I realized by late Thursday afternoon I needed a full and complete STOP. My schedule worked out that it gave me a four day weekend. After going through my emails and tasks, guess what, everything can wait four days. I am taking a break and completely disconnecting. Friday is my errand, shopping day. I spent today, Saturday, in Philly with my Mom and family.  My niece brought her pitbull over for a visit.  He’s ‘s 65lbs and sitting on my lap. I was covered in dog hair when I left.  I will most likely sleep in on Sunday and not sure after that. I would like to go hiking if the weather is cooperative and Monday I am hoping to have lunch with friends. If I am going to thrive in the next crazy year and maintain holistic wellness and balance, I am going to need to find chunks of time like this weekend to completely disconnect from work and focus on the other aspects of my life.  My job isn’t going to love and care for my body and my soul; that’s my job.

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One part of me wants to surrender and go back to an easy job.  That is my ego…My ego is being stripped down in this job because every day I have to swim a little harder, learn a little faster, make decisions without a lot of information and then go defend them 🤣 I am way outside of the comfort zone and operating on level higher than I ever imagined I would be operating when I accepted this job.  Thank God my brain is hardwired to be strategic and thank God I strengthened my intuition in recent years because so far, I’ve made good decisions. I also know my limit. I know when a decision is above me.  I am good about building relationships and I am inclusive. I look for the right folks to include or give counsel along the way. Seriously, I talk more in this job than I ever talked in any job. It’s exhausting🤣

One thing is for sure…the ego and emotions have no place in making strategic decisions that will affect my career in the long term. My ego wants to protect me. It wants me to keep doing what I am good at and what is easy with no room for failure but my soul knows I am where I am meant to be – success or failure – it will be my lesson. The key is for me to practice non-attachment to how I think it will play out and just do my best and let it unfold organically.  Whatever happens is for my highest good. Everything is always working out for my highest good even if it works out differently than I expected.

I also reconnected with personal WHY – GROWTH! I wanted potential for long term diversified growth opportunities in my future. I am in the right place for this now. Getting back to my WHY cleared up all the confusion and uncertainity I was having.

What’s your why

Every choice, every decision has a lesson in it. This one is teaching me patience. It’s also teaching me to TRUST to my intuition and use strategic thinking to evaluate choices instead of my ego. I can’t be reactive and emotional with this decision.

What’s You’re Why?  Have you reconnected with it recently?  Sit with yourself long enough to observe if your ego or emotions are driving your decisions. Can you practice non-attachment? Can you consider strategically aligning your choice with what you want in the future rather than reacting to the demands of your ego or attachments of your emotions? Seems to be working for me 😊✨  Ripped-paper-with-written-on-it-Whats-your-why--1024x683

I offer the below Loving Kindness Prayer for the Kurdish people in Syria and all American Armed Forces affected by the actions of POTUS.  He’s golfing while massacres are occurring.  He’s golfing while ISIS is being let free. He’s golfing while US forces are getting hit.  This scares me.  What will the retaliation be?  What demon has he unleashed into the world.  I hope he not only goes down but I hope every Republican supporting him and protecting him goes down with him.  Money and power should never come before human life.

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Rearview Mirror

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A few years ago, I started opening my awareness to see and accept that often we do not know why we had to have some experiences until years down the road. It’s often those experiences, those jobs, those people, those uncomfortable times of our lives that gave us key knowledge or insights that ultimately helped us grow.

I will say honestly my awareness started opening to the truth in my personal life in 2009. It wasn’t until a few years later that I truly embraced it and finally moving to my quiet apartment on the beach and separating myself from the noise in my personal life that finally gave me the space and room to embrace that I changed.

The same thing happened in my professional life but the key pivotal point in my career when Blue Love left for a new job. We were in the comfort zone and his decision took us both out of it. While the transition was difficult for me, I see now without that happening neither one of us would have grown into who we are today. For me, I used that time as an opportunity to look within myself. I used it to reevaluate my needs. I used the time to look at myself and I woke up spiritually. In doing so, I realized I was unfilled in just about every area of my life.

In addition to working full-time, I went back to school for a year to become a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner from May 2017 to May 2018. The weekly exercises and classes taught me skills to manage my holistic wellness and I learned how to take care of my holistic needs. Let me be clear. This course was for personal enrichment but doing it had a profound affect on my professional career too. It helped me see that I was professionally unfilled and I only enjoyed working where I was because Blue Love was there. Without him there, the environment wasn’t enriching and it eventually became toxic. The people, the talking, the cliques and drama. It was all too much. I couldn’t handle being in the middle of it anymore. That insight inspired me to pursue a temporary assignment which changed my whole career.
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While I was working in my temporary assignment for 15 months, I was removed from the drama, noise, cliques, gossip of the organization I worked for 10 years. In that silence, in that distance, I was able to find my own voice. I was able to embrace my strengths. I was able to let go of any previous versions of myself and be seen differently. When my temporary assignment ended, I did end up going back to my former organization briefly – but on different terms. I was protected by two managers and that gave me the freedom to give those managers my best contribution. They agreed to keep me buried, out of the limelight, and protected from the noise, and I helped them problem solve by using my innate strategic abilities. In the end, I chose to leave the organization permanently. I am still happy and grateful I had the opportunity to go back to that organization temporarily and help two friends. It was a rewarding experience and I made a meaningful contribution.

So, now I am in a new job. It’s the most challenging job I ever had. Stretching me until I almost break but I’ve learned in recent weeks – it is completely within my skillset. It was stressful for the first few weeks for a few reasons but mainly because they were already behind schedule; nothing was done before I got there. I had to start at zero. I walked into a fire. Also, I went from sitting in my cubicle in a peaceful corner of the building on telecoms all day to giving regular meetings briefings to VP and Director level folks. It’s like going from being a lower level project manager with little visibility to being on VP and Director level radar every day in one step…

I actually have two briefings to leadership this coming week. What the actually f**k? 🤣I am working on them this weekend to save myself from Monday chaos. All of these briefings are exhausting. I am thankful the manager who recruited me taught me how to do them. Since I am always slotted for 30 minutes – I prepare 6-10 slides max with no backup slides. My senior exec is a data driven engineer so I give her data on each slide to chew on. She likes it. And the part I am good at – I tell a good story – I prepare the narrative (messaging) that goes with the slide packet in advance; no free-styling in the room 🤣 Lastly, give my GM & Director an opportunity to comment in advance to obtain support before going in – which means think & plan ahead. 🙄Blue Love says these leadership briefings will keep me charged 🤣 Maybe…it does seem like it’s preparing me for something in the future. I guess I will be able to see that clearly in the rearview mirror. But, jeez, couldn’t they let me ramp up and catch my breathe before being thrown into the Shark Tank right from my 9th day? 🤣

Something kicked in the last few weeks. I realized this job is really going to be about risk management, communications and managing stakeholders. If I can be disciplined to assess risks and impacts early and often, work with leadership to figure out mitigations, I will be able to manage the chaos without getting completely overwhelmed by stress. I am utilizing the risk management experience I gained a few years every day. I’ll be riding this roller coaster job for at least for another ten months until I can potential bid out at my current level. Hopefully, everything starts falling into place and I’ll stay until I am eligible to retire in eight years but only time will tell with job. The problem with this job is…since starting it, I am exhausted on the weekends from the level of effort that is required of me all week. I’m not enjoying my life. I am out of balance because I am so darn tired by the time the weekend comes…And, I’ve had a migraine since Thursday night most likely from clenching my jaw. I am not comfortable with how this is affecting my holistic health.

I will confess part of me wishes I was never recruited for this job. I really don’t need nor really enjoy being in the limelight. I am actually quite ok playing a support role to a leader rather than being the star. That’s why I so enjoyed Blue Love. I would still enjoy doing that for him. Being this visible is uncomfortable… I am adapting but it’s taking a lot of energy and interfering with the rest of my life. Other folks see the level of effort that is needed…A GM involved said to me yesterday, “You are the right person for this job because someone will tell you NO ten times yet somewhere in there you hear YES. You figure out a way to get it done and get to YES when most would give up. The job is challenging and complicated; it needs your strategic abilities and tenacity!” I suspect he’s right but is he saying I am pushy? Because I’ve been trying to not be so pushy. Lol 🙂
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This brings me back to Blue Love. He put the ball into motion for both of us back in 2016 when he accepted a new job which took him away from me. Because he did that, we both had an opportunity to grow and stretch. It gave us both freedom to find our own authentic voice. It gave me a whole new career path and it lead him to another new job as a Senior Executive for another company. I could not be more proud of him or grateful to him. There is no doubt in my mind that he and I were always meant to find each other, help other grow, learn from each other and love each other. Our connection is truly unbreakable and for our highest good 💙✨

Often times we can’t see how everything always works out for our highest good until we have an opportunity to look at it in the rearview mirror. With reflection, we can see how things fell into the place perfectly or how things falling apart led to growth and change. Courage is needed to look at ourselves. Fortitude is needed during difficult times and a good bit of guts is needed to take a risk on love, on your future and on yourself.

On the another related topic, I got a call this week about a family member being emotionally unstable again. In the past, I would jump into action and try to help them through it emotionally. I would help them work through their problems to find a solution. This time, I am choosing to not engage. It’s not because I don’t love them or care about them. It’s because they have to learn to adapt and save themselves. They have to learn how to navigate through problems and stand on their own. I won’t be here forever. They have to wrestle their demons on their own and gain strength by doing it. Honestly, I’ve been through a lot in my life. I am a survivor. Loss has broken my heart. People have disappointment and hurt me emotionally and physically. And somehow, today, at 52 year old, I still believe in people and still believe in love. I saved my own soul. My salvation was in the strength that I gained by struggling and overcoming adversity. I learned coping skills to get through tough times. I will not take that type of growth opportunity away from anyone else by making things easy for them anymore. They have to learn to fight for their own soul and I will have to learn to live their choice – if they don’t.

On a musical note, if you don’t already have Lenny Kravitz “Essentials” or “Greatest Hits” in your collection, you can download it with this link in Apple Music. I’ve loved Lenny for a long time 💙He’s cool 😂And I love his soulful rock.

Let love rule 💙


(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday ~ Wait, What?

img_2217It’s Saturday morning and I am tired – actually, I am mentally and physically exhausted from this week. It wasn’t a bad week. It was just hectic and I’ve been using maximum brain power in this new job. It’s exhausting 🤣 I am learning to bend with the wind instead of letting myself feel the pressure.  I am focusing this weekend on rest and my physical self care. I am listening to my body’s need to slow down. I am honoring my brain’s need for a little break from thinking so much 😄

I spent the first half of my work week leading a work group tasked with coming up with two different schedule scenarios for execs. My work group developed an aggressive schedule (high risk and shorter) and we developed a realistic schedule (average risk and longer). We also crafted a narrative around both approaches. Since I used to be a Risk Manager, I messaged both schedules to my senior exec in terms of managing risk. I offered her decision points along the way in each schedule so she and her leadership team can make decisions on how much risk they want to assume organizationally over the next 15 months. Guess what? She liked the approach but something unexpected happened…Since my program is high profile internally and has many high profile external stakeholders, she thought the best way to manage the risk in the schedule was for me to meet with her and her leadership team bi-weekly for 30 minutes over the next 15 months! Wait, what? LOL 🤣Crap! 🤣 It’s also preferred I meet with them in person at least one time each month; the other time can be a telecom which if fine but, in general, I was like — 🤣
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On another note, I did get a bit of a reprieve because I also found out my funding, while it is now cut in half, is coming in categorized as “development” which offers more flexibility and time. We also can’t kick anything off until after November 21st too. So, yes! I have some breathing room which is another reason I am taking the weekend to rest my brain a bit and not think about anything hard. LOL 🙂 Another surprise – they offered to pay for me to get a Grants Management Certificate with the intention of me possibly becoming a Grants Officer as one mitigation for some down stream schedule risk. The good thing about this is that I can take the classes during work hours, but again. Wait, what? LOL 🙂 This is why my brain hurts and needs rest this weekend. Jeez, this job has been one crazy trip! It’s not a four alarm fire anymore. It’s more like a roller coaster ride now… Do you remember how much I hate roller coasters? Lol 🙂 CRAP! Well, at least, it’s not boring…

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Two weeks ago, I was so stressed out by this job, I was ready to walk away. It really was too much. It seems like my former boss was right, I needed to give it more time. I needed to wait it out and see if things calm down. It has settled down a bit and I have adjusted to this new level of responsibility. I am thankful today for my former bosses who mentored me instead of offering a job. I do truly believe I am where I am meant to be. I just got scared for a while because it was a fire when I first got here. I was coming home everyday crying. Now, I see my leadership is trying to put structure in place around me so I am supported. I am thankful for that.

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Switching gears, I’ve been watching the Impeachment Inquiry unfold. Holy smokes! After two years waiting for Mueller, it is amazing one whistleblower was capable for shaking this much loose. It’s been interesting to watch. Well, we will see who drops next. Rudy Colludy is a gem. He’s so outrageous that he’s giving everyone up the more he talks. Keep showing those text messages on national TV, Rudy! Wait, is the Rudy the Whistleblower outing Trump? Lol 🙂

Yep, so that’s it for this weekend. I am sleeping, resting, watching Impeachment stuff on TV, enjoying the short respite and that’s about it.

ICYMI: I posted a poem on Friday, The Unarmed Truth. It’s about love, living in truth, soul mates.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday – Don’t Give Up

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Did you ever get exactly what you wanted and realized that it’s not what you thought it would be? Did you ever make a big decision and take a leap only to find yourself in more uncertainty than you were before you made the decision?
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I think I am beginning to see this discomfort is part of the process of changing to into a new version of myself. Major shifts in our lives require us to change, grow, surrender and perhaps let go of who we think we are and discover who we are meant to be in the future.

I transitioned into a new job six weeks ago. Truly it could be my dream job. It could be the job the Universe has been grooming me to step into for the last 15 years of my life. I can see everything I’ve done over these years being steps needed for this job today. As great and idealist as that sounds, it hasn’t been without drama. Seriously, these folks somehow managed to f**k up my dream job by making it so complicated. It’s been a really rough start; so rough – I considered walking away because I just can’t be this stressed out and anxious every day.

Frustration, fear, uncertainty and woman inside of me that likes to tell people to f**k off rose up in me in the last week. I reached out to my former bosses to explore returning to my old organization. I met with two of my former bosses on Thursday afternoon. Instead of getting a new job offer, they tagged team mentored me. They also offered to continue mentoring me. By the end of the meeting we agreed, I am not done with my dream job yet. I need to keep trying. They told me if I am still stressed out and if my health starts to be affected after two more months, they will offer me a job but for now they will not let me walk away from my dream job. They think I will regret walking away; it’s too soon.
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Concurrently to meeting with my former bosses, I decided I just didn’t give a f**k and sent a note to a leader about the challenges/roadblocks I am hitting standing up the program. I found out Friday morning she interceded on my behalf. Soooo, I here I go again. I am briefing directors on Monday morning on the challenges and asking them for help. I am then having a meeting with the senior leader on Thursday to update her on the plan to move forward. It’s really exhausting but if I can get some roadblocks lifted, I may actually be able to move this forward and have some breathing room. Somehow I managed to professionally throw folks under the bus — but let me tell you this. This program would not move forward if I didn’t do it. Period! Gotta do what you gotta do! It’s my responsibility and I am not going down on this ship.

Let’s also remember, I now have a level of responsibility and accountability I’ve never had before. Being this exposed is new to me. Standing up a program this “BIG” is a huge task and I AM the leader. HOLY CRAP! Yep, I woke up to find myself getting exactly what I asked the Universe for yet was unprepared to get it. I am not really sure how I thought it was going to be but it’s definitely different than I thought it would be. That’s ok. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s not what I am meant to do. I created a false narrative and glorified it my head. How could it ever live up that expectation?

The reality is I could have a huge impact on the future of our company and industry in this position. I could give folks opportunities to do work they would not receive otherwise. I could change lives. It’s everything I asked for and wanted. Yes, I found my purpose and a passion but it came wrapped in drama and fear. Most importantly, I have to change for this next chapter of my career. As I wrap my head around this, I am starting to settle into this new me. I have no idea what’s going to happen as I move forward with this but I am not giving up on my dream job just yet.

I woke up with a headache right between my eyes which I am thinking is allergies – it’s ragweed season or it could be that my jaw has been clenched for a week. I have my own health issues, an 80 year old mother who lived an hour and half away from me who needs more help and my family who think I should be up there more on the weekends. But everything is fine – really 😂

Have you made a big change in your life recently and found yourself saying “Dear Universe, What the f**k now?” Believe me, I know the feeling. Take an opportunity to tune into your inner wisdom. Perhaps talk to a trust friend or mentor. Don’t be afraid to explore different paths. Let go of expectations because nothing ever lives up to our high expectations and illusions. Work towards adjusting to your new reality and find a new path forward. Most of all, have the courage to let go of what no longer serves you. You were brought to this very moment in your life for a reason so trust that everything is always working out for your highest good.

This seems like a good song for today!

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday ~ Uncertain Times

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It’s 10:00am on Saturday morning. I am still in my nighty, robe & fuzzy slippers. I am sipping my second cup of coffee in deep thought about life and this crazy job I’ve been in for five weeks now.

During challenging or uncertain times I find it comforting to remember what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was not meant for me. It’s comforting to me because it reminds that every experience, good or bad, has a purpose in our lives. It’s up to us to dig within ourselves through introspection to find the meaning or purpose and then use that knowledge to change, grow and adjust.

I’ve been in this new job for five weeks. As far as jobs go, it’s a four alarm fire and I am not even joking when I say that. It has wide political implications and it’s on our industry’s radar. I got my first “inquiry” from the folks who give us money this week 😳 I heard I should expect a lot of them. The external pressure is going to grow as the year goes on. Fortunately for me I’ve only been here five weeks so none of the heat is hitting me right now. My leaders know I am the one trying to put out the fire while navigating political landmines. The reality is the strategic planning and stakeholder engagement work that is needed to stand up this type of program with this type of reach should have been done three to six months ago. They should have secured support and buy-in from their high level counterparts long before I got here. They should have already done a Market Survey or a Public Meeting around the early part of the summer to collect the data I am trying to collect now. Someone dropped this ball on this and they dropped it hard…Now, the problem is valuable time was lost in the schedule so leaders are trying to execute without a solid foundation or stakeholder buy-ins. It’s a hot mess.  I’ve been saying this since the day I got here. They haven’t wanted to hear it and thought I didn’t know what I was doing at first🤣  The good news is legal, contracts and the experts all agree with my assessment and legal in conjunction with contracts has put a stop to things while it’s sorted out which gives me breathing room. I think someone could seriously take a hit on this.  That’s not me being dramatic; it’s me knowing who the external stakeholders are.  It won’t be me who takes the hit.  Staff members at my level rarely bare the burden but trust me the big wigs are strategizing to not catch the blame or own the risk. Some have called it “dog eat dog”; I think it is more like the “Hunger Games” 🤣Seriously, the drama in my last job had nothing on this…🤣🤣

So, how does one work in a situation this volatile? It hasn’t been easy. It’s been one fire drill after another. In a sense, I am a firefighter without water.  Believe me when I tell you, the biggest explosion could still come from external stakeholders unless someone is really good at playing the game. Right now, I am observing how leaders work the politics around this and hoping to learn something from them.

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The good news for me is that I’ve received excellent feedback from everyone I’ve work with and they respect my ability to be professional and level headed in difficult situations. That’s the “Relator – or Relationship Builder” in me. But I don’t trust any of them… Not one! It’s just words and bullshit to get me stay. My protection is that I only started five weeks ago and I’ve intentionally demonstrated in multiple briefings that the schedule was blown three months ago. Remember, according to strengthfinders.com, strategic is my #1 strength 🤣 For now, I am just putting my head down and staying focus on my strategic planning and start up action items. It’s the only way to get through the day and stay out of the drama. I’ve also been in contact with my former bosses to pursue other career options just in case it becomes too uncomfortable. I do find comfort in knowing the experts back me up and I’ve already earned the complete support of the my team in just these five short weeks. That either demonstrates that my assessment from day one was right all along or that I have strong leadership abilities. Perhaps it’s both. I would say the style of leadership I try to emulate is “Servant Leadership”.

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What I’ve learned about myself in these five weeks is interesting. I’ve learned that I can lead a diverse team on a complicated task. I’ve learned that I can effectively control meetings to stay on topic and keep the meeting productive. I’ve learned I am good at delivering unpleasant information to leaders 🤣This is truly a skill…No joke ✌️ I’ve learned I am intellectually capable of this job. I’ve learned I have the skills and ability to operate at this level. Honestly, I still say the role of a “Senior Advisor” to a leader or leadership team is the right type of role for me and I would be totally up for that type of role instead of this hot mess 🤣 Hmm, wonder if my former GM needs a Senior Advisor with my unique skill set? The most enlightening thing I’ve learned about myself in these five weeks is that I am now better at managing my holistic wellness than I used to be💙I’ve learned that I really don’t give a f**k if I stay in this job. Most importantly, I’ve learned this decision will really come down to me listening to my body and honoring my body’s needs. I am not the same person I used to be. My body is not as strong as it used to be. I need to be focused on protecting my long term health rather than meeting a milestone for someone who doesn’t give a f**k if I get sick in the process. They will replace me with someone who is willing to sacrifice themselves for the mission in short order.  Trust me, they won’t visit me in the hospital if I am down for the count as a result of pushing myself beyond my body’s limits. So, that is where I am right now. Stuck in uncertain times for sure!

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The reason I took this job in the first place is because I could see ten years down the road in it. Ten years down the road I can say I was part of the team who stood this up and I was part of the team that had an impact on the workforce of our industry for years to come. If I can ride out this rough start up and if my leadership can find a way to protect me from the drama, we may be able to work it out. As of today, I just don’t know how to read the situation. I will say – I welcome the Universe to deliver a new opportunity to me that meets my holistic needs. To complicate the situation even more, my GM, who recruited me for this job and who is a personal friend, accepted a job in another organization. She will be leaving in a few weeks. I’ve known this is coming… It’s a good choice for her. The truth is if she didn’t find an exit ramp, she could catch the blame even though it’s really the Exec who dropped the ball by not making a timely decision…By her making the move now, she will be protected if the shit really hits the fan. It does, however, complicate the situation for me. I’m telling you – it’s been non-stop drama everyday and that’s why I am not sure if I have the energy to ride this out even though the long term goal is something I believe in 🤣

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I am heading to the White House Initiative on Historically Black Colleges & Universities conference in DC this Sunday to Tuesday afternoon.  I am staying at the hotel I like so I can give myself some space from the conference activities. That’s self care. I plan to visit Newseum when I get there tomorrow and then grab dinner somewhere. The President will be at the conference on Tuesday. I am not sure I will still be there when he arrives or speaks 😉

Self Care this week has complicated. I’ve learned a lot about myself and whatever happens with this crazy work situation is fine by me. I am not the same person I used to be.  I now know my holistic wellness and my long term health are more important than a lofty goal or making a name for myself in my career. When I look at the situation this way, perhaps, this all I was supposed to get from his experience…

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

How Many F&*&S Do I Give? NONE

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WARNING: If the word F**K offends you, you might not want to read this post. I’m in a f**k it mood; there’s gonna be a lot of F**ks in this post… Buckle Up!

So to be clear, I am living by the words of Erika Jayne’s song “How many F**ks” where she has these insightful lyrics… “How many f**ks do I give? How many f**ks do I give? None! Zero! Not One!” And let me add, not even a little one do I give as of today or actually as of last night to be exact…
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If you read my blog regularly, you read my last Self Care Sunday post where I discussed the four alarm fire I ended up jumping into with the new job I started on August 5th. Since stepping into the role, I’ve found nothing but f**cked up shit all over the place as I’ve tried to avoid one political landmine after another. Let’s be clear. I worked ten days in a row, through the weekend with putting 12 hours days in this last week. In just this week alone, I spent two whole days locked in a conference room with a team of experts crafting a schedule, plan and a implementation strategy. I did four briefings to executives in three days. They all know what I was saying was true and fact but it wasn’t exactly what everyone wanted to hear.  However, the experts completely backed up my assessment – 💯!

Here’s some truth – I can only deliver the facts with my best and worst case scenario, that doesn’t mean any of them have to like it. Truth is truth… They didn’t believe me because I am new in this role. I may be new in this role, but I am not new to project management! Well, they eventually got behind me because they knew it was fact. However…here’s where the explosion happened…our senior leader lost her mind in the schedule because it was clear that they took too long to make a decision and lost time that can’t be made up. Again, I can only deliver truth based upon historical experience, lesson learned and contracting legal requirements and timelines. I can’t make her like it or make the timeline fit what she already committed to before she understood the process to set up a new grant program. And, this is where I started to lose my f**ks with this situation…
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I was instructed to march towards the most aggressive highest risk schedule and “to make it happen”. In other words, own the risk…Um, girfriend – we got a problem because I am not owning your risk! For me to make it happen, I will be working seven day a week for the next year and many of the milestones on the critical path require actions from others that will be out of my control. Yep, we got a problem and it’s not me. I’ve been in the job four weeks. They needed to be working the early actions on this stand up activity three months ago to complete it by September 30, 2020. I get that her butt is on the line, but so is my mental and physical health. I will not put my holistic wellness on the line for this. Nope – not giving one f**k!

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Funny how God and Universe looks out for me. Just as I finished my third brief to directors in three days, I bumped into my former boss in the hallway. I was tired and you could see it. He asked me how I was making out. I told him the truth. His exact words were, “Linda, you don’t have to do that. I care about your health and this isn’t going to be good for you. You should not own that pressure. Give it some thought and reach out to me if you want explore options to come back. Come home.”😢

I was supposed to be off on Friday but ended up working three hours. After having a really open conversation with one of my current managers, she said she understood this is not what I signed out for and then she added, “Linda, I don’t think I am going to be able to offer you any protection from “her” on this. I’m not sure what’s going on. Think about that over the weekend and we will talk again on Tuesday.”  She was trying to tell me something without officially telling me it.  After spending an hour crying because I was so f**king stressed out and overwhelmed, I reached out to my former boss and told him I was ready to explore options to “come home”. He is going to put something together for me to consider. It was the first moment I felt like I could catch my breath in ten days.

The interesting thing about this is… I think my gut instinct has been telling me to get out of this for weeks. I talked with my Mom and my sister and both reminded me that my IBS flare up didn’t start until week I accepted the new job. They invited me to a meeting the day after I signed the paperwork and that’s when I got my first glance that there could be a problem with the schedule. Guess what, after I sent my former boss that text message on Friday morning, it’s weird, but I am no longer nauseous and the diarrhea stopped. My gut was sounding the red alert and I just thought it was an IBS flare up😜 So, you know what that means, I am out. One way or another, I am out and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK… Not one!  The sad thing is… this could have been my dream job. There is so much I love about this job but not under these circumstances. I can’t do it. I have some gut health issues and I see a specialist at Jeff in Philly every two months because I am high risk for stomach cancer. That’s my reality…That’s my priority…Living a whole year stressed out, would not be good for me.  I know this happened for some reason, I am just not sure what it is yet 🤣

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I will honor my obligation, be professional and work to best of abilities as long as I am in this role. However, it’s time to let go because it is no longer serving my highest good. Maturity happens when you reach a point of knowing a money, a promotion or a fancy title, isn’t worth your being stressed out and physically unhealthy. That’s when you know you woke the f**k up.

let go

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday – This week was lit

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OMG! This week has been lit 🤣Holy Smokes! Let’s see…Where should I start…

I am starting to feel better. My tummy is finally settling down but that has been with the help of my favorite Functional Nutritionist who helped me figure out how to reset it. It’s now healing.   In my appointment with my nutritionist, he reviewed my blood work and showed me where I had subtle deficiencies but were clinical insignificant so the doctor and have been untreated. He also explained what was happening in my gut from clinical perspective.  He reviewed three days of my food log to help identify trigger foods. He reviewed all of my medications and supplements to see if one of them could cause problems. He gave me a plan to follow, as best I can, for the next three weeks to reset the gut. At the end of the day, it’s about eating what I can digest.

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Here are some of the recommendations he made:

✳️In 32 ounces of water – add 1 teaspoon of Glutamine Powder (Amino Acid) along with one Okra sliced in half. Let it sit over night. He told me to make two of these each night and drink both the next day. The Amino Acid and Okra will soothe and heal the gut naturally. It’s working 😄

✳️Limit Diary temporarily and I am already Gluten Free

✳️Eat more refined foods – just for three weeks so I don’t have to work so hard to digest. Who knew baked chicken is hard to digest???

✳️He gave a list of foods that easy to digest and he told me if I cheat, to take a digestive enzyme. For example, the easiest to digest beans are Cannelini and Kidney but must be cooked. Hummus is ok but no raw beans like Chick Peas

✳️I’m already taking 5K Vitamin D. I will continue that. But I am also slightly deficient in Vitamin B-12 and Folate. So, I am now using sublingual supplement with each in it to bring the levels up. I asked why do I keep getting deficient. He explained metabolic stress and having a stomach that burns too hot means I can’t absorb them properly.

✳️I already take 200 Magnesium Glyclinate each night

✳️He gave me Turmeric w/o black pepper for pain – No CBD yet but I am still hoping for legalized 420 in my state🙏 My life goal =  “a toker, a smoker, a midnight joker” Well, not really but it’s good for pain relief and anxiety. I don’t plan to be a burn out ✌️

✳️And a new bio-identical multi-vitamin

✳️So, this what I am doing for the next three weeks. If you are interested in an appointment with Steven Chang, you can find him at Essential Elements NJ He’s in Northfield, NJ but does phone consultations.

Now, let’s talk about work…HOLY FUCKING SMOKES! It was lit this week!come-thru-its-lit-meme
So, I stepped into a new program two weeks ago and found it was totally fucked up. My first briefing I talked truth to power and said what I had to say. I let folks know I was not sticking around if it wasn’t fix…SOOO, my senior leader blew it up in a “Come to Jesus Meeting”🔥 She told them straight up when she walked in to buckle up because it was going to be unpleasant 🤣 I can’t even tell you how much I respect her for her balls. She blew it up! I mean she light a match and set her leadership team on fire🔥I knew something happened Thursday afternoon when the frantic chaos started. Well, I’ve been getting a lot of attention since ☺️🤣✌️ Hey, gotta do what you gotta do. I am not even a little bit sorry that I kept things real in that meeting.  I will sooner go back to old job and take a demotion before I will be responsible for stepping into a mess that is already two months behind schedule yet was being managed by an Exec 👊I just got here two weeks ago. in additional to all hands on deck I also got an Executive Coach to help me transition to this new level of popularity 🤣 I hit the pillow like a ton of bricks on Friday night but I was woken up around midnight by a deliciously “felt like real life” sex dream with Blue Love laying back and enjoying a good ride with me🔥🥰
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So, it’s Saturday and I’ve already worked on a briefing for Monday and had a telcon. I will be doing a pre-brief tomorrow followed by re-briefing directors Monday. My GM will brief the Senior Leader on Wednesday. They decided to keep me out of that hot seat because the mess isn’t my fault but I’ve been working all week to fix it.  I am starting my briefing on Monday morning by saying, “Let me share my vision for the program…Imagine if we could give school districts money to implement education curriculum in aviation, to become pilots, engineers, aerospace engineers and aircraft mechanics in high schools? Imagine the reach we would have into the younger generation. Now, let me explain how we are going to get there with your commitment and support…”. My GM has been coaching me through this whole process. I just LOVE her and I love how honest and direct we speak to each other while respecting our rules of engagement.  Here are a few rules of engagement for the workplace just in case you need them.

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To implement some self care this weekend, I dropped off a call at 7:45am so I could walk up to Brittany’s Cafe(my local coffee/breakfast shop) to have breakfast with my 74 year neighbor/buddy. I abruptly had to stand up and say, “Well, I gotta go because I have an emergency brewing and I am not sure I trust the plumbing here”. He busted out laughing and said, “Defcom 3 or 4?” 🤣 So, you can see my belly hasn’t completely settled down yet. I am going a pool party at my former roommate’s house this afternoon and most likely will working Sunday morning to do a pre-brief (practice walk through) with my GM for Monday. It’s all good. After Wednesday this should settle down and I am thankful they recognized I was right after they did their own fact finding and corroborated my assessment.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday ~ Wisdom from my Gut

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the notion that everything I am going through is preparing me for what I want…If you read my last post, you know I am in the middle of chronic IBS/Gastritis flare-up and started a new high-profile job at the same time. The flare started about 10 days before I started the new job and before I knew how crazy the new job would be.

I had a CT Scan yesterday to check my Abdomen and they also did a scan on my Aorta because my father, who died at 41 years old, had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm(AAA). I do not believe I have an AAA. My GP felt I was going to be there anyway, we may as well check for it now since I do have a family history. My sister is having her Aortic scan next week. My brother has a pacemaker so he’s already had the scan and my other sister had a blood clot so she’s already had the scan too.  I believe this IBS flare started because stress and poor food choices but I haven’t had the space to really do good self care for it because I started the new job and it is CRAZY. So, this weekend I am giving my body a full complete STOP🛑I may go grocery shopping and may stop in Boscov’s for new slippers but that’s probably about it.

So, let me talk about the new job. Driving the Karma Bus would truly be my dream job🤣Shit, being the person who delivers Karma to negative forces would totally be the best job ever✊🤣
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But, I need to work in real life and in real life, this could truly be my dream job. Setting up a fully funded grant program is a career I never thought I would ever find with my current company. I am fortunate the Universe put me in the position to take advantage of the opportunity. Here’s where I am getting heartburn. I found out this week from our Gov Affairs office that my ENTIRE leadership team knew this was coming for over ten months but they debated and discussed it for so long they put us behind the eight ball.  I actually think the divisions were playing a game of HOT POTATO – no one wanted it🤣 Ten months ago I was in a temporary assignment working on a grant program for them. I could have been building this for months. Instead, I didn’t start working on it until August 5th with my first HUGE deliverable in October. The problem is Gov Affairs, Legal and my Leadership still do not agree on the interpretation of the language that I am working to execute. My frustration is I feel they should have had those conversation before I even came on board  – come on, they were kicking this can for months before I got here. It’s fucked up…#truthtopower

I was called to a meeting on Thursday and that’s when my dam broke. Something happened in the meeting and I starting talking REALITY to them. “Sorry but your milestone chart and timeline are aggressive and perhaps unrealistic given you just pulled me over ten days ago and October is only six weeks away.” There was dead silence in the room and on the phone when I said it – seriously – dead silence 🤣I didn’t even care – not even a little. It was the truth! I was completely honest about how I feel about the whole situation. Lol:-)  The old Linda would have never done that. I would have been too afraid to say how this was affecting me. Something changed in me in recently. I am now strong enough to enforce my boundaries and respectfully speak my truth, whatever that may be. I took my power back. I also started seeing how the situation was putting unjust pressure on me when the pressure should have belong above me. They’ve known for months this was coming; they could have pulled me over sooner. The situation is starting to affect my holistic wellness. That’s when I knew I had to say what I had to speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may.

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The reality is…if this promotion doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I realized that I am not attached to this assignment. If I get demoted back to my previous level, it’s ok because no promotion is worth my holistic wellness. There’s freedom in non-attachment. The good news is I expressed myself truthfully and they heard me. They are already working to give me help and support. Actually I got 10 emails yesterday with research and support from Execs! The director who works locally reached out to me to offer support. I spoke to her Thursday night. I really respect her and have a great relationship with her. I can talk to her openly. She said, “Linda, this is a huge task. It’s BIG! Believe me, I understand. You need help. I have someone who can help you!”

Do not get me wrong. If we get through this rough start and get through the first milestone, this could be my actual dream job – that’s if I have to work for a living – independently wealthy is the ultimate life goal🤣 But it’s been a really rough start and it’s been more difficult because I am not physically 100%.

Often on weekends, I go to a cafe up the street from my apartment for breakfast. I sit next to my 74 year old neighbor and eat at the counter. I was telling him about job and stomach issue and he said, “There’s something Biblical about that. Overcoming adversity, learning your strength. Speaking your truth even though it could cost you! Take some time think about that and think about what that is teaching you about yourself!” Then he asked the question that really hit me. He asked, “If you were feeling 100%(you’re normal self), would you have agreed to the aggressive schedule even though you would have known it was not really achievable just because you were just promoted? Would you have pushed to make it happen and prove something to them and yourself?” UGH…If you know me, you know the answer to this question would have been, YES that’s what I do…After thinking about it — maybe not feeling well at the same time I started this job slowed me down and forced me to look at things and myself differently.  My current gut flare-up feels like my gut is telling me something.  It has also been a reminder to slow down and take care of myself first and to speak my truth.  That’s why I like talking to my 74 year old friend. He’s deep!  He makes me think about deep shit.
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Maybe this rough start and how I am handing it with leadership is showing them who I am and my ability to speak truth to power. Maybe they are seeing I have managerial courage. Perhaps they are learning that I won’t lie to them and I am wiling to take a hit in order to live in truth. This is still an awesome opportunity and perhaps now that we have been level set, things will proceed differently.  I want this to work out. I want it to be successful.  I will give them my best effort. I am, however, not willing to jeopardize my self care to make it happen…That’s the bottom line. My holistic wellness comes first. That’s some powerful self awareness right there.  My Spirit Guides would be proud I finally learned the lesson🤣  Yes, what I’ve done in work this week has been good self care and perhaps I will be an example to others. Now, let’s hope my gut gets the memo that I learned the lesson and starts to calm down.

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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

NOTE ICYMI – My last post was a Blue Love Letter. Scroll down to read it 💙

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care is an act of surrender

surrenderToday is Friday and I’ve been off from work most of the week. I started an antibiotic for my Sinuses and Ears yesterday. I had to wait a couple of days for my tummy to settle down a bit before starting it. I think it’s already working because I am starting to cough stuff up. My plan for today is to just take it easy and let my body heal. I can’t do any more than I am doing. So, I just have to take care of myself and go for the ride.

The Engineers working on the brick outside of my unit are doing a water test this morning to see if any water gets in. They will be in my unit and on my balcony for a few hours this morning. I am glad they are doing it. My unit will be the first done and I will know for sure they are fixing the leak properly because we only get one shot at this. It’s a big expensive job. The Condo Association did an assessment to pay for it. My building currently has two assessment on top of regular condo fees and I heard there may be a third. This is why I would never buy in this building. It’s an old building that needs a lot of repairs.

A note about my Social Media presence. Self Care in the digital era has to include good hygiene and self care on Social Media. I deleted my Facebook account last year. I do not even miss it. Guess what? I could care less what my old grade school classmates are up to. I don’t give a crap what girls I went to high school with are doing now. Most of the stuff on Facebook is bullshit anyway. No one really posts truth. Facebook lacks authenticity and they are manipulating people, basically doing mind control with algorithms. If you don’t believe me, there are plenty of documentaries on PBS, Amazon, You Tube and Netflix to back me up. Here’s one:

I have an Instagram account because I like the pictures and I do find some inspirational stuff on there that I use for this blog. I recently made the account private/locked as I do not want to grow the account any further but if you’d like to follow it, the handle is @HighestGoodLife222

I like Twitter. I have a small Twitter account for writing and holistic wellness that is attached to this blog in the right side bar. I try to keep that account Vanilla and on topic. I am not actively trying to grow the account. I do have a larger political Twitter account under a fake name. It’s my rage against the Administration account. I am not trying to grow but it seems to be happening organically. The handle is @highestgoodlife

As I work my way through this flare up of physical issues, I will admit it’s given me an opportunity to reflect. I looked at my food diary and I must admit I was cheating ALOT. I’ve been physically active and doing good with my spiritual work but my food choices have not been good lately. The Low FODMAP Diet is the best lifestyle for my gut. I feel my best when I stick to it. It’s restrictive but I do normally feel good and avoid IBS flare-ups (bloating) when I stick to it. It’s funny because folks always tell people to eat raw veggies to be healthy but in my situation large quantities of raw veggies are undigestible and rot in my gut.

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The truth is I was out of balance. This hard stop was going to happen eventually. It’s good it happened now before I start the new job when I had a week to surrender. I had a conversation this morning with my new team/boss. I already know what my focus will be next week and I am scheduled to go to DC on Thursday for my face to face 1:1 meetings. For now – I am resting and focusing on self care.

ICYMI – I’ve been posting every day this week since I haven’t been working; scroll down to see all of my posts from this week. I will post again on Saturday and my regular Self Care Sunday post.

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

Self Care Sunday – Love

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It’s around 11:00am on Saturday morning. It’s about 90 degrees on the breach in Atlantic City, NJ with a heat index already 100. I walked to the coffee shop this morning. It’s three miles round trip. At first, it wasn’t so bad walking in the shade but walking back in the sun was harder than I thought it would be. I also noticed my heart rate was higher than normal when I walk. I have an arrhythmia that has been stable; I don’t need to take any chances with that getting push out of rhythm by heat issues.  I am staying inside the rest of day and not sure about tomorrow. That is good self care.

While I was walking, I was thinking about how do you support someone who is going through a major life transition? The below words came to me as almost a stream of consciousness. I wrote a lot of them while sitting at the coffee shop sipping my iced coffee.
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So you make it to your 50s in pretty good shape. You still look pretty good. You are healthy and have a few dollars in the bank. You have everything you ever wanted yet you are still unhappy and unfulfilled. What the fuck! Right? I know the feeling…It happened to me a few years ago.

We’ve all heard of the stereotypical mid-life crisis when you buy sports cars and bang 30 year olds. That’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about more of a spiritual awakening where your awareness is opened. It’s more about growth and finding fulfillment on deeper level than filling a void.

As for myself, I lived in denial and resistance for while. I held on. I held on until I was almost consumed with sadness and depression. The below photo is an actual depiction of me trying to hold onto to what was no longer serving my highest good 🤣 The day eventually came that holding on was harder than finding the courage within myself to let go.
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Once I let go, I needed time to rest. I wore myself out trying to hold and be what everyone else wanted or needed me to be. I needed rest before I did anything else. At that time I had more questions about my life and my future than I had answers. What I eventually realized was that time of my life was about finding the answers. It was about diving deep within myself to learn who I was and what I wanted for my future. I learned that time was about revisiting painful events from my past to make peace with them and mostly it was a time of self acceptance for me. I no longer was the same person I had been. I changed. I finally accepted it and embraced the journey to finding the new me.

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Since I’ve been through this experience, I can recognize it when I see someone else going through it. My advice is to enjoy the ride. Pull the threads in your life. Eventually you will figure out what you want and need in your life. This is your time to choose your life… While the giver in me wants to help in some way as an expression of support, I know it’s an inside job for the person who is going through it.  I know the best thing I can do for anyone I care about going through this is just give them space and time to find their answers. They already know I love and care about them. I will send love. I will hold space in my heart for them. I will hope to hear from them soon. I will go about living my best life knowing what is meant for me will be mine when the time is right.

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If you resonant with this post and find yourself having a dark night of the soul, I would encourage you to pull on the threads of your unhappiness. Find your answers. Enjoy your time of self discovery.

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Warning, I am about to get political. What is happening in America now is a battle between two extreme political positions – extreme right which seems to have chosen racism and hate speech vs. the extreme left (progressives). But the reality is the folks in the middle like me, a pragmatic Democrat, will decide the election in 2020. I chose LOVE. I choose love over hate. There is no room in my life anymore for anyone who chooses hate or uses hate speech.  I don’t mind friends being in a different political party but I have no tolerance for hate and racism – NONE, ZERO!

#MALA – Make America Love Again!

make America love again
(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC ~ All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good💙🦋

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Loving Kindness Prayer
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved