Old Soul Eyes

0_24e59_cb7704fb_XLI am a Brown Eyed Girl. In my family, my father and I are the only two out of seven with brown eyes. Everyone else in the family has either Blue or Hazel eyes. I suppose that is why growing up I was always attracted to people with Blue eyes. I always thought Blue eyes were beautiful. You always want what you don’t have and I couldn’t figure out how I got eyes as dark as mine when everyone else in the family has fair eyes.

Then one day a mentor/friend said something to me that changed my perspective and made me truly appreciate the eyes I have. She said “You can see your soul in the depths and beauty of your eyes. You are an old soul. You can see it in your eyes. Old souls give comfort to the younger ones. And, that’s what you do.” I reflected upon this statement for a long time. I wondered “What’s an old soul?” At that time, I was only in my twenties and didn’t really get what she meant. I was still too emotionally immature to really understand or accept the depth of what she spoke. Nor was I willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being an old soul. You see old souls have been around the block a few times. If you believe in reincarnation, an old soul is someone who has lived many lifetimes before this one. If you believe in Buddism, an old soul is here again to achieve Nirvana and live their last lifetime. They are here in this lifetime to get it right.

As I reflect on this lifetime I am living and think of it in terms of being an old soul, I now understand and accept the many tragedies I’ve witnessed. I now know that God has me here on this earth at this time for a purpose. And, that purpose is to LOVE. It’s to offer compassion and comfort to the lost traveler. It’s to give guidance to person who left their soul in the lost and found. It’s to show empathy to the person who no one understands. And, I’ve made a commitment to myself that I am getting it right in this lifetime.

My sister passed away 14 years ago after a long tragic illness. I was one of her caretakers and it was the greatest privilege of my life.  Her death broke me for a long time. I couldn’t figure out how to live my life without her. But, her memory and her legacy now sets me free and has helped me put my heart back together again. By listening to my heart and following my very own instincts instead of listening to the advice or direction of others I was able to rebuild my life. I was able to reclaim my soul.

So, yes. I am an old soul. I’ve witnessed and experienced a great deal of heartache in my life. But, those heartaches have been a wonderful teacher. It was only recently that I finally figured out that my heartaches and disappointments didn’t have to be shields that protect me.  They needed to be the rock that I stand on so I can help someone else up. They were lessons God wanted me to learn so I can help others. They were lessons in love. Through the heartaches and disappointments I’ve learned just how much love my heart can hold. I’ve learned to express my love. I’ve learned how to love unconditionally without expectation.

I have old soul eyes and for that I am grateful.

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Photo Credit:

Bec Winnel

Retrieved From:
http://www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com/2011/02/bec-winnel.html
 

The Daily Post – Helplessness

helpless--large-msg-114970372439-2This is today’s Daily Writing Prompt from The Daily Post, http://dailypost.wordpress.com/
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

I don’t usually do the Daily Writing Prompts but this one resonated with me today because it’s exactly how I feel about my health today.

This is the part where I caution my readers to prepare themselves. Most of you are used to my positive, motivational, inspirational, “I can do anything” posts. This is not one of those types of posts. I am going to whine and complain. It’s going to sound like I feel a little sorry for myself because guess what? I do! If you are not into reading this kind of post today, please feel free to stop reading now. I won’t take it personally. But, if you do understand I needed to express this openly before it swallowed me whole.

I’ve been hesitating sharing some recent information about my health on my blog because I truly believe the more you talk about negative things, the more power you give them. Talking about it, blogging about it and complaining about it is actually feeding it and giving life to it. So, I’ve chosen to practice the Law of Attraction by only keeping positive things on my blog instead of writing about my worry, frustration and anxiety. But, today with pressure bringing me to the edge of reason, living on the verge of tears most days and feeling frustration building, I feel the need to just release a bit.

First I’ll say the way I manage the flow of information about my health is my decision. It’s not that I am hiding anything or holding anything back. It’s just that I am not going to go out post on Facebook, make a million phones calls or send a lot text messages with my status updates. I call the people who I promised to call and I honor those requests. I have no secrets. At this point, I do not care who knows what is going on with my health anymore but it’s just exhausting trying to keep so many people in the loop and I am trying to not talk so much about it. I am trying to not feed the negativity. But, if you want to know how I am and are genuinely concerned about me, feel free to ask me. I will tell you. It’s that simple. But, I caution you. I don’t like whimps! I have grown up problems. So, if you are going to be a sissy and whimp out because you think you can’t handle it, don’t bother asking me because I am not going to sugar coat anything just to spare your feelings. Grow up. Life isn’t always a good time or a party. And, when life is hard, that is when we need the people who LOVE us to be strong and step up for us. It’s really that simple.

The last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. I’ve been knocked down a lot by health problems. Yes, I do keep getting back up. But, it’s getting harder and harder with each passing day to be strong and fight so hard. I am getting weary. And, I am exhausted most days because I am trying so hard. Trust me – I am trying!

In the last two years, I’ve managed to lose 80lbs, reverse Heart Disease, reverse Liver Disease, stop drinking alcohol and quit smoking. Guess what? None of it was easy. But, I did it. I showed up in my life and took control. So, right now I am feeling bit helpless that my Digestive System is uncooperative, unresponsive and causing me so many problems.
The results of a recent colonoscopy were less than stellar and included a list of about six diagnosis that I now have to manage. I also need a second procedure to evaluate kinks that are in my colon on my right side that could cause an obstruction. However, everything is on hold until the Pathology on the Polyps that were removed is returned. They won’t schedule the second procedure until they know for sure I don’t have cancer. For now I am on medicine to keep things moving while we wait for the biopsy results.

I knew when I scheduled the colonoscopy over a month ago that it was for diagnostic purposes and it was not a screening procedure. I knew what the Doctor suspected because I pushed him and made him tell me.  So, basically I’ve known since early December about the tests and what he was suspecting. But, I said nothing to anyone as it was Christmas and everyone just wanted happy news. So, I walked around for month with this weight on my heart and consuming my thoughts. I guess everyone understands now why I wasn’t in a party mood on New Year’s Eve and why I just wanted to spend some quiet time alone with my Mom on Christmas Eve. Now that it is done. I feel a sense of relief. After the procedure was over my Doctor said he didn’t want to talk a lot because I was still under the effects of sedation and we would talk during my follow-up appointment. But, he also said I shouldn’t hesitate to call him any time of the day or night if I needed him. That was very reassuring but it was also worrisome that he was that concerned.But, I also feel a sense of helplessness. I’ve done everything right. I worked so fucking hard to improve my health. And, it really pisses me off. While it may not be Cancer, a kinked Colon that needs correction is no picnic and it may need major surgery. Excuse me for freaking out. But, I am freaking out.

I will now admit something I’ve been keeping private. In September I started noticing I wasn’t really handling my health issues very well, I knew I needed some help.  So, I started seeing a therapist. It’s has been helping me to talk to an objective person who doesn’t judge me. She’s helped me wrap my head around these feelings of helplessness, worry and anxiey. She’s helped me address my fears of dying.  She’s helped me find ways to satisfy my need to say I Love You to certain people.  She helped me find compassionate ways to prepare others for what may happen. She’s helped me address my anxiety about possibly needing surgery and my frustation about working so fucking hard for two years and still being sick.  Maybe I should have “gone out” drinking, smoking and partying. At least, I would have had a good time.  Honestly, the reason I don’t confide lot in friends about all of my feelings regarding my health is because they don’t understand everything. It’s more work for me to explain everything. Then I end up giving them therapy for whatever issue is bothering them. Sometimes you just need to talk. Being a good listener is hard work. But, to be a good friend to someone we must listen and not talk or give advice. Life is very serious for me right now. It’s scary.  I feel like everything is on the line while I also feel very helpless at the same time. It’s a strange place to be.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time. I am doing yoga, praying, meditating and exercising every day to relieve stress. And, because sometimes you just need some Chocolate to make yourself feel better, I have some Whole Foods Double Chocolate Gluten Free Cupcakes (all 470 calories each) stashed in the freezer ready for me to “break in case of emergency”.

Thanks for reading and listening to today’s rant. We will return to normal joyous, uplifting, blogging and poetry tomorrow.

Peace, Love & Happiness
Linda

Life Intentions Declared As Of January 2, 2013

namaste1I’ve never been one to make New Year’s Resolutions. They seem cliché to me. But, I do believe in setting Intentions for one’s life. I believe in goals. I am a planner by nature. I believe if you set a goal and make a plan, you can do whatever you set your mind to.

After reflecting back on the last few years of my life, I see some opportunities for growth and continued improvement. Below is a rough list of Intentions or goals that I am setting for my life. This list is not all-inclusive. There are a few things that are far too personal and I have chosen to not share them on my blog. This list is long-term and is a multi-year approach to my life. Basically, this list is a rough list of Intentions for my life and I will use it as a jumpstart to get me moving in the right direction 2013.

Physical Health

I will continue to focus on improving my health in all aspects so I can live a full active life. I will continue to make choices that promote health and wellness in my life. This includes continued commitment to fitness with regular exercise five to seven days per week. While I am now an average weight for my height, I would like to lose an extra 5 to 10 pounds. Since I came this far and lost 80lbs I may as well lose another 5 to 10lbs and get back to my college weight:-)

I will remain committed to being alcohol free. I know if I drink alcohol I will become sick again. I won’t let that happen.

I welcome physical health into my life in 2013.

Emotional and Mental Health

I will continue to make strong healthy choices for myself that focus on taking care of my emotional and mental health. I will make sure to look for ways to better manage stress and anxiety. I will continue speak my peace. I will not internalize. I will not bottle everything up inside. I will allow people to help me. I will allow those who love me to take care of me when I need support. I will seek help when I need it. I will say what I need to say.

I welcome emotional and mental health into my life in 2013.

Financial Health

I will focus my energies on managing money better. It’s been difficult to manage money because of the large medical expenses I’ve had in the last two years. Even with decent insurance I’ve racked up some medical bills for multiple hospital visits. But, I am hoping 2013 will be a year of improvement in my health which will also mean an improvement in discretionary dollars to use for travel or savings.

I welcome wealth and abundance into my life in 2013.

Spiritual Health

It is vitally important to me to keep up my spiritual well-being. I am committed to nurturing my connection to source strength which only comes by practicing Yoga, Meditating, praying, practicing Reiki, offering compassion and empathy to others, by protecting my Karma and the Karma of others. I will live my Mantra of Peace,  Love and Happiness. I will remember that change starts with me. I will allow myself to feel unbridled optimism and passion for my life. I will have the courage to do the hard things in life for the right reasons. I will not give up or give in. I will allow the fire in my belly to burn brightly for all to see.

I welcome spirituality in my life in 2013.

Relationship Health
I plan to continue to surround myself with like-minded people and with people who are good influences for me. We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t have to have all the same habits or make the same lifestyle choices. For example, I don’t drink Alcohol because I can’t. But, I don’t care if others do while we are out. I am out regularly with people who are drinking when I am not and it’s perfectly fine. But, we need to hold the same basic values.

I will continue to keep up and enforce my boundaries in all relationships.

I like to learn from people. Teach me something. Mold me, inspire me, encourage me and shape my world. Be someone I can respect and look up to. Make an impact on my life.

I will show my love and affection openly for those I love. I will make sure those I love know how I feel. I will continue to believe in LOVE.

I will continue to believe in people.

I will release the past so I can open both arms to welcome the here and now of my life.

I will not give up on LOVE.

I welcome LOVE in all forms into my life in 2013.

Now, here are some things I would like to work on or carry out in the future. There is no deadline on any of these. I just would like to do them sometime in the future whether that they happen this year or twenty years from now:-)  

  • I plan to do a Volunteer Vacation on Blackfeet Indian Reservation in the Glacier Mountains of Montana. Afterwards, I want to decompress for a few days with a Yoga Retreat at Big Sky Yoga Retreats in Bozeman, Montana and spend a few days in Glacier National Park. I always wanted to go to Montana and breathe in the fresh cold air and beautiful sky. I may have to do these two things in separate trips.  If possible, I would like to do the Yoga Retreat in the next year or two. Volunteer Vacation can wait until I have more free time.
  • plan to do a Yoga retreat in Bali.  This is my dream vacation. Yoga and relaxation in Bali. Anyone want to go to Bali with me?
  • I plan to continue to spend my birthday each year at Kripalu Center in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts. It’s a wonderful way to bring in my new birth year.  Anyone interested in a mini-vacation in mid-march?  Meet me at Kripalu:-)
  • I plan to go Zip Lining in Poconos.
  • I plan to go on a SPA Vacation at the Red Mountain Resort in Utah. This will be totally for R & R only. http://www.redmountainresort.com/
  • I plan to drive across the great USA one day. I am thinking I would take the Northern route to the West Coast and the Southern Route(Route 66) back East. 
  • I plan to go to the Kentucky Derby one day. I will wear a great, big, beautiful HAT that matches nothing! 
  • A lifelong friend of mine lives in Loughmacaory, Northern Ireland. She keeps inviting me to come for visit. I was planning to go last year until I go so sick. I would love to go. Maybe later this year or next year.
  • I plan to start working on a Memoir type of book. I’ve been told I have good story to tell and should write a book. With working full-time and being sick I really haven’t had the energy to devote to this project. But, I am hoping with the continued improvement in my health, I’ll have more energy. Otherwise, it will have to wait until I am 62 and retire from my full-time job.
  • I plan to attend a Writing Workshop. I have an idea for Fiction type of novel. But, again, I have no time to write it. And, I am having problems structuring it. The Writing Workshop would help get me centered and help me come up with plan.
  • I plan to write short stories and submit them for hard and soft copy publications.
  • I plan to enter writing contests, at least one per year, to continuously hone my craft.
  • Now that I’ve lost all the weight, it’s time to tighten things up. I plan to focus on muscle conditioning, toning and building to keep a thin strong body.
  • I plan to continue my Reiki training and obtain the level of Reiki Master.
  • I plan to include Tai Chi and Qi Gong into my life. I enjoy both.
  • I plan to nurture my intuitive “sensitive” abilities. While at times they scare me, I understand now I need to embrace it.
  • Finally, this list would not be complete unless I threw in, I plan on hitting the lottery, quitting work and doing everything I wrote above in the next year.  Yee hah!!!!

 

Well, this is just few things to start with to get me moving in the right direction. I am sure I missed something so I may edit this post and add on to it at times. But, this is a start.

Thanks for reading and joining me in my journey to find Peace, Love & Happiness. 

Namaste (the Divinity in me bows to the Divinity to you)!

January 1, 2013

image

This is me with my typical extra large coffee. Although it’s decaf now it’s still coffee. The picture was taken today at the Polar Plunge. It reminded me that on January 1, 2012 I was 50lbs heavier. I’ve lost 80lbs all together which also reminded me of other things that happened in 2012:
-I stopped drinking alcohol.
-I went on Yoga Retreat for the first time at Kripalu.
-I Parasailed for the first time.
-I opened my heart, hung it out on a limb and I am surprisingly ok with that:-)
-I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease.
-I reversed Liver and Heart Diseases
-I committed to working out, health and fitness.
-I bought a new car.

I can see now 2012 was a year of growth and preparation. Almost as if God was preparing me for something bigger and better. I was letting go of everything that no longer served me including the extra weight.

13 is going to be my lucky number. 2013 is the year all good things will come to me. I welcome love into my heart, health into my body and wealth and abundance into my life.

Happy New Year!!!!
I wish you all Peace, Love and Happiness.

In My Life – The Beatles

I’ve been fairly sentimental in recent months. Out of the blue my eyes have welled up with tears as I reflect back on my life.  I’ve thought of the people who have shaped me and the people who hold places in my heart. While it’s a little uncomfortable to have my emotions at the surface level for all to see, it also feels very free to me to finally let it show. Finally, I am being honest in where I stand today, what I want in my life, who I love and how I got here. The word authentic strikes me. I am finally authentic.

While driving home with my Mother on Christmas night I felt filled with gratitude that I finally see and feel clearly. I would rather live this way than the way I did when I filled my time with one party after another or with beer and wine to numb myself.  It was all meaningless chatter and not meaningful interactions. Now that all the meaningless stuff has fallen away I am focusing on the people and things that really matter in my life. I am finally down to what is real in my life. Nothing gives me greater peace and comfort than to take care of those I love.  It makes me feel good. 

This song kept playing in my head over the Christmas Holiday. In some ways this year felt like an ending of something. But, I am also hoping it symbolizes a brand new beginning as well. In any regards, in my life I’ve loved them all.