This is today’s Daily Writing Prompt from The Daily Post, http://dailypost.wordpress.com/
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?
I don’t usually do the Daily Writing Prompts but this one resonated with me today because it’s exactly how I feel about my health today.
This is the part where I caution my readers to prepare themselves. Most of you are used to my positive, motivational, inspirational, “I can do anything” posts. This is not one of those types of posts. I am going to whine and complain. It’s going to sound like I feel a little sorry for myself because guess what? I do! If you are not into reading this kind of post today, please feel free to stop reading now. I won’t take it personally. But, if you do understand I needed to express this openly before it swallowed me whole.
I’ve been hesitating sharing some recent information about my health on my blog because I truly believe the more you talk about negative things, the more power you give them. Talking about it, blogging about it and complaining about it is actually feeding it and giving life to it. So, I’ve chosen to practice the Law of Attraction by only keeping positive things on my blog instead of writing about my worry, frustration and anxiety. But, today with pressure bringing me to the edge of reason, living on the verge of tears most days and feeling frustration building, I feel the need to just release a bit.
First I’ll say the way I manage the flow of information about my health is my decision. It’s not that I am hiding anything or holding anything back. It’s just that I am not going to go out post on Facebook, make a million phones calls or send a lot text messages with my status updates. I call the people who I promised to call and I honor those requests. I have no secrets. At this point, I do not care who knows what is going on with my health anymore but it’s just exhausting trying to keep so many people in the loop and I am trying to not talk so much about it. I am trying to not feed the negativity. But, if you want to know how I am and are genuinely concerned about me, feel free to ask me. I will tell you. It’s that simple. But, I caution you. I don’t like whimps! I have grown up problems. So, if you are going to be a sissy and whimp out because you think you can’t handle it, don’t bother asking me because I am not going to sugar coat anything just to spare your feelings. Grow up. Life isn’t always a good time or a party. And, when life is hard, that is when we need the people who LOVE us to be strong and step up for us. It’s really that simple.
The last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. I’ve been knocked down a lot by health problems. Yes, I do keep getting back up. But, it’s getting harder and harder with each passing day to be strong and fight so hard. I am getting weary. And, I am exhausted most days because I am trying so hard. Trust me – I am trying!
In the last two years, I’ve managed to lose 80lbs, reverse Heart Disease, reverse Liver Disease, stop drinking alcohol and quit smoking. Guess what? None of it was easy. But, I did it. I showed up in my life and took control. So, right now I am feeling bit helpless that my Digestive System is uncooperative, unresponsive and causing me so many problems.
The results of a recent colonoscopy were less than stellar and included a list of about six diagnosis that I now have to manage. I also need a second procedure to evaluate kinks that are in my colon on my right side that could cause an obstruction. However, everything is on hold until the Pathology on the Polyps that were removed is returned. They won’t schedule the second procedure until they know for sure I don’t have cancer. For now I am on medicine to keep things moving while we wait for the biopsy results.
I knew when I scheduled the colonoscopy over a month ago that it was for diagnostic purposes and it was not a screening procedure. I knew what the Doctor suspected because I pushed him and made him tell me. So, basically I’ve known since early December about the tests and what he was suspecting. But, I said nothing to anyone as it was Christmas and everyone just wanted happy news. So, I walked around for month with this weight on my heart and consuming my thoughts. I guess everyone understands now why I wasn’t in a party mood on New Year’s Eve and why I just wanted to spend some quiet time alone with my Mom on Christmas Eve. Now that it is done. I feel a sense of relief. After the procedure was over my Doctor said he didn’t want to talk a lot because I was still under the effects of sedation and we would talk during my follow-up appointment. But, he also said I shouldn’t hesitate to call him any time of the day or night if I needed him. That was very reassuring but it was also worrisome that he was that concerned.But, I also feel a sense of helplessness. I’ve done everything right. I worked so fucking hard to improve my health. And, it really pisses me off. While it may not be Cancer, a kinked Colon that needs correction is no picnic and it may need major surgery. Excuse me for freaking out. But, I am freaking out.
I will now admit something I’ve been keeping private. In September I started noticing I wasn’t really handling my health issues very well, I knew I needed some help. So, I started seeing a therapist. It’s has been helping me to talk to an objective person who doesn’t judge me. She’s helped me wrap my head around these feelings of helplessness, worry and anxiey. She’s helped me address my fears of dying. She’s helped me find ways to satisfy my need to say I Love You to certain people. She helped me find compassionate ways to prepare others for what may happen. She’s helped me address my anxiety about possibly needing surgery and my frustation about working so fucking hard for two years and still being sick. Maybe I should have “gone out” drinking, smoking and partying. At least, I would have had a good time. Honestly, the reason I don’t confide lot in friends about all of my feelings regarding my health is because they don’t understand everything. It’s more work for me to explain everything. Then I end up giving them therapy for whatever issue is bothering them. Sometimes you just need to talk. Being a good listener is hard work. But, to be a good friend to someone we must listen and not talk or give advice. Life is very serious for me right now. It’s scary. I feel like everything is on the line while I also feel very helpless at the same time. It’s a strange place to be.
For now, I am taking things one day at a time. I am doing yoga, praying, meditating and exercising every day to relieve stress. And, because sometimes you just need some Chocolate to make yourself feel better, I have some Whole Foods Double Chocolate Gluten Free Cupcakes (all 470 calories each) stashed in the freezer ready for me to “break in case of emergency”.
Thanks for reading and listening to today’s rant. We will return to normal joyous, uplifting, blogging and poetry tomorrow.
Peace, Love & Happiness