Self Care Sunday ~ Dream Big

dream big
I’ve I spent some time this week reconnecting with my dreams and taking action to realign with what authentically makes me happy.

Yoga makes me happy. I’ve practiced yoga for a long time. Being on the mat brings me peace. My favorite style of yoga is Yin Yoga or Gentle Flow Yoga. I like slow meditative practices like Yin because it’s includes seated postures, longer holds, breath work and meditation. Yoga isn’t about burning calories for me. It’s not exercise for me. It’s a spiritual practice. It’s how I calm myself down and find peace. That’s why I prefer to practice at the end of the day. It helps me let go of the stress of the day.

I was not practicing yoga a lot in last year because I’ve had a few injuries and illnesses in that made a regular practice challenging. Last Sunday I engaged my inner yogi and started practicing Yin or Slow Yoga for 30 minutes a day using YouTube videos in my living room on my own eco-friendly recycled rubber mat from Jade Yoga.  Guess what?  I haven’t needed Xanax this week 😄I would like to say I will practice every day for 21 to 30 days but this is where I usually get myself into trouble. I over do it. So, I’m going to take a clue from my body and after practicing yoga for seven days straight, I will most likely take Self Care Sunday as a rest day. I might walk but no yoga. Going forward I will shoot to practice yoga 3 to 5 days a week for 30 minutes while I build up stamina again. I started with Yin videos and added in a Beginners flow class too. I am an advanced yogi but I wanted to revisit some basic beginner poses as a foundation for my new practice. I’m tight. I need to take it slow so I don’t injure myself.

I am 52 years old now. My yoga needs to be different now than it was when I was 35 years old. I’ve always been super flexible thanks to being double jointed. Yoga has always come easy and effortless to me but now I am older. My body is stiffer and some days my old injuries make me feel like Tinman from restriction in the body. I am learning to make accommodations and adjustment for injuries. I stopped judging myself. Just because I don’t look perfect in a pose anymore doesn’t mean I should stop doing yoga. It means that I allow my body to work to its limit without pushing or forcing. Naturally, over time, body will open up and give me space to move. This has been a lesson about self acceptance and letting go of who I used to be on the mat for who I am now. I am older and wiser. My body is still beautiful no matter how awkward I feel moving in and out of poses. This is also why I am practicing at home without a mirror for now instead of going to a studio. Watching myself in a mirror as I practice will only lead to me judging on myself and feeling sad about how my body has changed.

yoga tinmanOver the last week, I’ve been thinking about my friend Karen who passed away in April 2018 from Peritoneal Cancer. Karen was the best friend I’ve had – the absolute best friend I’ve ever had. I definitely feel the void of her loss in my life every day. Karen hated Yoga. Karen was a gym rat. She was usually in the gym by 4:30am getting a hard core workout in before she went to work. She hated the slowness of yoga. Back in 2013 I was considering enrolling in Yoga Teacher Training and I wanted to go to a Yoga Conference in New York City to get information. Surprisingly, she offered to take the day off from work and go with me. Karen hated yoga but she loved me. She spent all day in the yoga expo talking to yogis, reading literature and doing sample classes with me. While on the train on the way home she said, “I still hate yoga but I had a lot of fun with you today!” The point of this story is… Karen was willing to do something she didn’t enjoy all day just to hang out with me and support me. I ended up not enrolling in teacher training because the schedule would have been hard to manage while also working full time. My body just doesn’t have that stamina. I still haven’t enrolled in teacher training for the same reason. I can’t do that while working full time

I’ve talked on this blog that I was going to start reintroducing one glass of red wine back into diet.  I only stopped drinking wine because my tummy didn’t always enjoy it as much as my taste buds did.  I promised Karen  before she died when I had my first glass of wine, it would be with her.  So I bought an expense bottle of Argentina Malbec and poured two glasses. I toasted Karen and took a sip… Well, it didn’t go very well 🤣After four sips, my face became red, hot and itchy and my nose was stuffy.  It seemed like an allergic reaction. I know folks may say their face turns red with wine too but this wasn’t normal. I was starting to not feel well. So, I poured it all down the drain, threw out the bottle after four sips and took a Pepcid AC to settle the reaction down.  I am glad I conducted this experiment at home and not out in public 🍷So that’s that. I will not be drinking wine – period!  Maybe I’ll try a Guinness Stout next 🤣 Or maybe I’ll just continue being a non-drinker and be ok with it instead of trying to recreate something from my past.  It’s called self acceptance. Maybe I will work on that instead of experimenting with alcohol✌️

As I indulge myself in the fantasy of escaping my current reality and living a more authentic life, I open myself up to the possibility that my dream may come true one day. One day I may hit the lottery or save up enough money to totally immerse myself into building my Holistic Health Practitioner business. Or maybe it waits until I officially retire. Either way, I would first take a few months off to decompress. I would then enroll in Yin Yoga and Meditation Teacher Training. I have a friend who did her teacher training at 62 years old after she retired from teaching high school full time👍

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I think I will start working on a draft of business plan for my Holistic Health Practice. My target market is folks over 50 years old.  Yin Yoga and Meditation Instruction as well as personal training would fit into my services perfectly. I am also a Reiki Master. I would could start teaching Reiki and practicing Reiki. Other services I would provide include: guidance on supplements, educating folks on food labels. I would go food shopping with them and show them how to work the store to spend less money and make better food choices.  Here’ a tip:  stay out of the middle isles (if possible).  All of processed junk is in the middle.

I would love to own or be a partner in an eco-friendly Organic Coffee & Tea Shop where I could offer my holistic health Practitioner services including, Yoga Classes, Reiki, Food label reading classes, Nutritional Supplement classes, etc..💫

Some times you just have to give your dreams room to breathe…What’s your dream? Are there any small steps you can take today to reconnect to it?

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(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Exhaustion

exhaustion
It’s Saturday morning. I am drinking coffee, watching AMJOY on @MSNBC and feeling totally exhausted. I find myself mentally and physically exhausted. I am mentally tired because of my damn job. 😂 I am physically tired because I had a busy week. I was in the office for 10 hour days Monday through Wednesday. I was in DC on Thursday and I drove up to Philly early on Friday to spend the day with my Mom. Friday was a nice day but I drove a lot. Today is Saturday and I have absolutely no desire to go anywhere. I especially do not feel like driving.

I am emotionally exhausted today because I care about our Nation and what is happening in our Nation upsets me. I believe POTUS should be penalized for abusing his power but let me be clear — I would feel this way about any elected official whether Republican or Democrat who abused their office or power. Unchecked power is dangerous and is a slippery slope. What will he do next now that he knows he can do whatever he wants? This isn’t a Red or Blue issue for me. It’s a Right or Wrong issue for me. Do you really want a leader with unchecked power? I DO NOT – period! It worries me…

power

I don’t know what the future holds but I am not sure I would even want to be an official “manager”. While I have the knowledge, skills and abilities to work at that level, I am not sure I have drive, desire or even the stamina for it. I enjoy strategic work. I enjoy outreach work. This will be better for me…Lastly, Management had an extra seat for a leadership workshop that was already paid for so they asked me if I wanted to use the extra seat. Since it’s for an “Emotional Intelligence” leadership workshop, I accepted it and I am looking forward to it. It’s on 2/27✌️

emotional intelligence

Personally, I am still trying to figure out the best time to go back to the Berkshire Mountains. It’s either going to be for a Kundalini Yoga workshop March 16-19th or later in April or May. The only reason I am debating. It’s still can be really cold and snowy in the Berkshires in March. I am really hoping to get outside in the Mountains this time and do the guided hikes so warmer weather would be better for me. Here’s another photo of the Berkshires which is one of my happy places.

Berkshires

My plan for the rest of Saturday? I am fairly certain I will not be leaving the house today. I may not even leave the sofa and quite possibly will be heading back to bed this afternoon for a long nap. Sunday is still to be determined but I know for sure I’m teleworking on Monday ✌️😊

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Happy Places


It’s taken a village to keep me sane this week ☺️ Honestly, I’m not used to asking for help or asking for support. When I do reach out, it’s because I’ve hit the limit of what I am able to handle on my own.

First, I reached out to tell my leadership that I’m at my breaking point. I straight up told them I would be looking for the exit if we didn’t find some way to lessen my burden. As a result, they invited me to few meetings so I could see what management has been up to in hopes that I see why things have been so crazy and why I need to stay with them.  To my surprise — they are actually standing up a whole new group around me; I was only the first hire.  They intend to pull other similar programs into the new group with me.  They also recognized that part of my problem is that I’ve had three Divisional Managers in five months and the temporary folks didn’t want to make any hard decisions. Lol 🙂  That’s why it’s been so crazy. They asked me to participate on the team that is planning the new group too.  It’s seems to me someone is “Empire Building”. 🤣 But, I was happy to finally know structure is coming.

I am not easily impressed by managers. They are a dime a dozen where I work.  My experience the last five months helped me to see how much I really do respect and trust the group of managers I used to work with in my former group.  With that said,  I am already impressed by my new permanent Divisional Manager; that’s saying something.  She’s been in the job for two weeks and made more decisions in the last four days than the other two did in five months.  For example, I had “creative” ideas on how I could mitigate a couple risks & tighten up the schedule. I couldn’t get any traction with the temporary actors. However, the new permanent manager gave me the go ahead to move forward and present them later this week when I am in Headquarters.  She also took one for team by getting a meeting with the senior exec to ask for support positions.  She came back with four positions – not too shabby!  👏Two of the four will support my programs because — as of 4:00pm yesterday — they confirmed I am now going to be managing THREE new programs and my budget just grew by 50%. Lol 🙂 OMG… OMFG🤣

I will try to remember to breathe… I promise ☺️Thank God I can telework one or two days per week and I only have to go to HQ every other week. I go this Thursday and then every week going forward. They said I can take the train and stay overnight if I prefer to do that instead of flying down. They said I have a budget for travel and should feel free to use it 😄That’s a relief. I may actually switch and go Wednesday to Thursday this week – that’s if I can get a room…I suppose to get through the next year I am really going to have to focus on the LONG GAME and not get caught up in the daily bullshit. Perhaps I should try to get the bullshit sucked out of my head  each day🙃

While in the middle of a full on anxiety attack Tuesday, I reached out to my “Blue Love” 💙He has a rock solid stability about him that comforts me ☺️ He must have realized I was about to totally spin out…I definitely was… ☺️ I am thankful he was a good friend to me 😘 He does have a way of diffusing my “crazy” and helps to bring my anxiety level down 😊 So when he asked me to go to my happy place for a minute, I went to three place I enjoy in my mind:
(1) Berkshire Mountains in Mass (photo at top and first photo below)
(2) Beach view from my living room window (second photo below)
(3) Blue Love’s beautiful blue eyes 😍 Yes, his dreamy blue eyes are one of my happy places 💙✌️

I want to go to  the Berkshires for a weekend this Spring. I was thinking of going in late April or early May but there is a good program at Kripalu in March I would like to attend. hmm…


my viewNext topic — I can’t make myself feel good about going on SSRI Effexor for anxiety and hot flashes. I just can’t do it. I’m trying to deal with hot flashes and anxiety naturally.  I am now using Red Maca Powder. Red Maca is good for hot flashes and is also an adaptogenic herb which can help with stress.  It has to be cycled – meaning that you take it for four days and then take two days off.  I am also eating more Avocados because they are loaded with B vitamins.  When we are under stress, our bodies tend to burn through the B Vitamins.  Adding a B-Complex or multi that has high potency B Vitamins can help. Since I’m not eating meat or fish, my doctor recommended I start taking B-12 with Folate every day. It’s a chewable. I’ve also gone back to taking the Magnesium with dinner and 1/2 a Xanax at bedtime the doctor recommended a few years ago so I don’t clench my jaw from anxiety in my sleep. So why yes to a 1/2 of a Xanax at bedtime but no to a low does of Effexor? Because I can skip Xanax when I don’t have anxiety. I can’t skip the Effexor. Guess what?  No hot flashes or night sweats this week. That may be temporary or coincidental but I’ll take it! 

How was your week? Where do you go in your mind when you need to find happiness for a minute? Where’s your happy place? How are you managing stress? How do you manage your “crazy”?

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(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ It’s Been A Week

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My coworker who sits in the cubicle next to mine has a saying. At the end of a challenging day she says, “It’s been a day!” When I was leaving work for the weekend on Thursday evening, I said to her, “It’s been a week!” It was a challenging week for sure.

I traveled for work in a small plane on Wednesday. It was a one day trip. I don’t normally have trouble on those flights and actually the flights were ok that day. There was a little turbulence but that is normal on that plane. The problem was I wasn’t feeling great. The antibiotic I am on is really upsetting my stomach. However, I felt like I needed to talk to leadership in person so I traveled. The first flight was actually ok but the flight home was stressful. My stomach was upset all day. I started getting anxiety about getting sick on the plane. Ended up chewing on a half of Xanax on the way to plane. While my stomach never really settled down until after I got home, the anxiety went away about 10 minutes into the 45 minute flight. I’ve never been happier for a plane to land. Lol 🙂 By the time the plane landed I believe I looked something like this…🤣

hot-mess

My meeting with leadership overall went well. It was clear in the meeting my leadership wants to do whatever needs to be done to support me. It was clear they are committed to helping me in whatever way they can including resources. However, it was also clear to me many of the folks lack a basic understanding of the work. Many of the folks are new or temporary in their roles which means I am constantly bringing someone “up to speed”. It’s exhausting…The bottomline is the organization was not prepared to take on this type of program and lacks the infrastructure to provide the proper support. So now everyone is scrambling to figure things out. It sucks… The other reason I was having some anxiety that afternoon was because they dropped a bomb on me at the end of the meeting. They told me we are getting a third program which is similar to mine and they want to put it in my portfolio. I will have a portfolio of three new programs to stand up in one year without any staff but myself as of right now…. Do you see why I had anxiety that afternoon? know they want the money and shinny new high profile programs — but like, what the fuck?

I had two fires to put out on Thursday.  One was the new program.  We just don’t have enough information for me even to give a good assessment but they aren’t going to like the time it’s going to take to launch.  My boss pushed it back up to ask for more information.  All we really did was push this fire back a week probably🤣The next fire was more complicated.  I opposed a potential candidate they wanted to hire.  I knew it was coming. I was given 4-1-1 in the hallway a few months ago by someone who wanted to protect me🤣 I can’t say much more but they did understand why I opposed the selection, I had documentation.  They understood once I explained the potential conflicts it could present for the program.   I will most likely be successful in blocking the potential hire but come on…They should have known what I knew…Doesn’t anyone check references anymore?

On a positive note, I bumped into my former GM in the hallway earlier in the week. We chatted for a few minutes. It was nice to see her but she caught me at a vulnerable moment. As I was telling her everything that was going in this job, I almost cried🥺As I was saying it all out loud it became clear to me that it is really becoming too much…The gravity of that awareness makes me sad but there can also be freedom in finally accepting it.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning. I mentioned to her that not only am I in the most stressful job of my career right now but I am also having night sweat and hot flashes from Menopause. We decided to try a small dose of Effexor(SSRI) for the next 30 days. It’s recommended to help hot flashes and night sweats for women who are not candidates for hormone replacement. It’s also an anti-anxiety medication that may help me cope with job better. I have to call my doctor towards the end of the 30 days to let her know if it helps. If it does, I will stay on it at least for the next 6 to 12 months and then ween off. If it doesn’t help me, I will stop it. I will start it when I am done the antibiotic.  I am hoping the Effexor helps me.  The worst part of these dang hot flashes is that I generally like it cool.  I keep my condo around 70 degrees or under.  I often have my bedroom window cracked open at night – even in winter.  I don’t like to be hot 🔥

Lastly, committing to being a vegetarian is the easiest lifestyle change I’ve ever made. Technically, I am a lacto-ovo-vegetarian who occasionally eats fish. The main reason I will never be a Vegan is because I have long standing Vitamin D and Vitamin B-12 deficiency issues. I need to get as much nutrition through food as I can because my stomach doesn’t tolerate supplements well.  I also started ordering a few Vegetarian and Vegan dishes each week from Eat Clean Organization, a local food prep company.  I pick my order up on Mondays after work at a local Health Food Store. Their Thai Sweet Chili Cauliflower, Madras Lentils & Chana Marsala are awesome!  They make quick lunches or dinners. January is Veganuary.  Maybe give Meatless Monday a try this coming week 🙂

Below are some new items I’ve added into my diet to diversify my nutrition profile. I started eating a 1/2 of an Avocado every day.  Avocados are packed with good fats and nutrients.  It’s truly a superfood 🥑  Imagine Organic Soups are DA BOMB. They are Green and Clean products too!  I incorporated more Hemp products into my diet because Hemp is a natural source of Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Fatty Acids are good for the belly, the skin and the heart. Eating foods with Hemp in it is better than taking a Fish Oil pill for me:-) The Oatmeal tastes just like traditional Oatmeal minus the belly bloat for me.  I also included some of my snacks below.  I will share more new products in my future posts.  I’ve also started sharing photos of new recipes I’ve tried or doctored up in my twitter feed in the right sidebar 🙂

(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

Protected by Copyscape Online Copyright Search

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Self Care Sunday ~ Let It Happen

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Sometimes you just have to say it – speak it and let whatever is going to happen – happen! Let it happen. I say this because it became clear to me that the only way for me to move forward and get myself unstuck this week was to have the courage to speak and own my truth.

I write a lot about speaking the truth but speaking the truth isn’t always easy. Often it can lead to conflict, hurt feelings and change — but hanging out in limbo was wearing me out. I had to do something. I had to say something.

On Monday I sent my supervisor a note and asked if he had time to have a check-in meeting with me this week. He replied, “I’m free now but otherwise booked the rest of week.” 🤣I thought I would have time to prepare but I didn’t. It was “go time” so I took a deep breadth and called him.

At first we started talking about tasks and action items then eventually I started working towards the real topic I needed to discuss. Then I said it… I told him straight up the conflict this job presents me and amount of stress it is putting on me. I told him I enjoy the work and the challenge. I also stated that I know I am more than capable of doing this job successfully. However, the political agendas, oddball questionable requests from the folks above him put me in an uncomfortable position and it is no longer tolerable for me. WOW! YES, I SAID IT!
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It felt good to say it but I was also nauseous as I waited on his reply. After taking a pause, he not only said he understood but also said he feels the same way. That’s when he gave me the space to be completely 100% honest with him. I explained I don’t want to walk away from a job could be my legacy but I also have to look out for my long term holistic wellness. Me being stressed out over bullshit everyday isn’t good for me – period! I told him I don’t want to walk away – but I am also now prepared to do it. I can’t fight anymore! I felt the release of five months of stress as I said those words…Screen Shot 2020-01-11 at 8.58.31 AM
Well, things started shifting as a result of that conversation. My Supervisor and I worked with legal to establish an escalation path for my “sensitive” concerns. We addressed the fact that I am acting in two roles; I’m over it and we need to fix it. By Wednesday, my Divisional Manager asked me to come “downtown” this Wednesday to have meetings with them to do strategic planning so she can ensure I get proper support. She also assigned a management consultant to help me do strategic planning. I am meeting the consultant on Wednesday. The bottom line is – they heard me and have responded to my concerns. They also told me they are impressed that I was able to get the program under control in a relatively short period of time and understood the stress that must have put on me.

I don’t know how this will work out long term but for now it looks like we have a way forward and I am thankful for support. It was the right way for me to address my concerns.  I needed to give them an opportunity to fix it before walking away from a job that could be my legacy — but let me be clear… I AM OVER IT! I don’t give a F**K anymore! If it continues to stress me out and make me sick, I will be finding an exit ramp and have not one regret when I leave.   I am thankful I had the courage to say everything I had been holding back.   I said it… I let it happen.

So, I’ve haven’t been feeling a 100% and have had a sore throat for two weeks. I went to my ENT doctor Friday afternoon. I found out I have an infected ear and sinus; it is draining down and irritating my throat. The reason why this interesting is because the Throat Chakra, the area surrounding the ears and throat, is the area that balances the energies of speech and truth. So when you hold back words or speech or don’t speak your truth, you are creating an energetic imbalance which can lead to physical illness. I made myself sick by trying to hold everything in and not speaking my truth – literally made myself sick.
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Funny, as I was writing this I was reminded that I am also a Certified Reiki Master. I am actually certified to teach Reiki. I say I remind myself of it because I stopped practicing Reiki because I felt like I was absorbing too much energy and “seeing” too much stuff from clients. It was creeping me out🤣 If you are not familiar with Reiki, “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Visit www.reiki.org for more information.

Today is Saturday. Considering I just started an antibiotic, Mucinex and an additional probiotic, I am not leaving the house today. I will wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Since I have to prepare a lot of documents for my meetings “downtown” later this week, I am already scheduled to work from home on Monday which gives me another day at home to heal.

What’s your truth? Are you holding something back? Is it causing you stress? Are you ready to let it happen? Take care of yourself!  Know you are divinely supported and loved. I often call upon Archangel Michael when I need protection or assistance. I don’t say any prayer in particular. I just give him a shout and say what I need help with 🙂 Give him a shot…

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(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Truth & Choices

D7D50E3C-7EF8-4167-86D5-FC82C496DC67_1_201_aAs my two-week break from work comes to an end, I’m preparing myself to return to work on Monday.  One thing is for sure. I could get used to not working 🤣I balanced myself between rest and activity through the two weeks. I took one two-day trip to Philly for Christmas and then stayed close to home for the rest to time.  Yep, I am going to enjoy retirement 🤣Unfortunately, I am not eligible for eight more years… so I go back to work on Monday at 6:30am.

I was hoping being off from work for two weeks would help me gain clarity regarding my conflicting feelings in my current job.  I can’t say that it has given me a definitive answer.  All I know is I still feel uneasy and my intuition is on alert.  My biggest problem with the job is there is a political under-tone in the job. Folks are lobbying to use the work I am doing to their political advantage and in direct conflict to my beliefs.  Also, they’ve been cautiously lobbying me by broaching the subject of their preferences.   I am fighting to ensure decisions are made on the merit of the projects and the reach they could have in the industry.  However, at the end of the day, once I send the packages to our “parent company”, it will be out of my hands.  Also, the “Selection Official” often makes choices that benefit her husband and her home state. Again, in complete conflict with my beliefs…I can’t square myself with that…My worry is that I am going to eventually lose my temper and get myself into trouble as this plays out. I am getting tired of fighting. The decision will eventually come down to doing what is in authentic alignment with who I am and how I want to live.  Money, title, power and working on a high profile program isn’t worth being stressed out and conflicted everyday.

When I was wrestling with a career decision last year, a friend asked me one question, “Do you enjoy the work?”.  If I ask myself that question now, the answer is “No. I don’t.”  It makes me sad because under different circumstances without the politics, I would have really enjoyed this type of work and challenge. I just don’t see it changing. Actually, I see it getting worse as I get closer to the selection phase of the project.  So my choices are… (1) Talk to my leaders about my concerns.  I know for a fact my direct supervisor feels the same way I do. He has even told me he would not mind offloading my program.  The program is a hot potato….Leaders above him are feeling pressure from industry and political folks… Not sure talking to them would make anything any better  (2) I could ask to be reassigned to another role in my current Organization  (3) Or I can leave the organization all together. This would essentially cut all ties with the organization I am currently in – most likely for the rest of my career – but do I even care anymore?   I am already exploring other opportunities and my mind is open to trying new things.

After writing the above paragraph, I took a break from writing and scrolled through Instagram. The below photo was the first post in my newsfeed. Do you think it’s trying to tell me something? 🤣🤣

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While on the topic of truth…I’ve been thinking a lot about my connection with “Blue Love” and what that connection has meant in my life.  This is going to get deep so follow me… Loving him, holding space for him, speaking my truth to him and now being in separation from him taught me what real love, real unconditional BIG love, actually is.    It’s loving without expectation or attachments.  That’s a profound lesson to learn.  Loving this way healed parts of myself that were blocked by past traumas. Focusing on myself and moving on with life while in separation from him helped me to let go of who I was in the past and learn to love and accept myself.

My connection with Blue Love started as a sexual attraction and that sexual energy is still palpable between us even after all of these years.  Our connection is so much deeper now.  I have no idea what’s going to happen in our future. I don’t know if we will remain in separation or be reunited. I will love him either way but I will say I miss swimming into those beautiful blue eyes and hope to do it once again…. Honestly, I would like to sip a delicious glass of red win while talking to him one to one and swim in those beautiful eyes…That reminds me of the below poem I wrote a while ago about that…

I am a big fan of Todd Rundgren. He is a nominee for the 2020 Rock Hall of Fame Class. However, he still needs some votes to get in. Voting is open until 1/10/20. Head over to https://vote.rockhall.com to vote for him. “Love is the answer” & “Hello, it’s me” are my favs 💙🙌

Swim ~ Blue Love Poetry
Swimming
In your manhood
I find myself
Going deeper
Into the waters
Of your soul
To find
My own path
To contentment
I hold my breathe
As I dive
All the way down
Into the place
In your heart
Where the love
You withhold
From another
Waits patiently
For me
To believe you
Waits for me
For me
To relax into
Your hands
And trust you
With my future
And my heart
I swim to the top
Of reality
Gasping for air
Searching the horizon
For safety and security
I panic
And try to swim
To familiar land
Until I felt it
I felt your heart
Pulling me
Into the riptide
Of love again
Trying to gain control
Of my destiny
I try to change
My course
I am
So used to
Looking out myself
It’s my instinct
Or perhaps
Just a habit
To disengage
To protect myself
But I feel it
I feel myself
Drowning in your soul
I feel myself
Needing to be near you to
Feel my own heart beat
Get out
Leave

My inner skeptic
Shouts
Get out before
He breaks your heart

My wounded soul
Begs of me
As one barrier
Between us dissolves
And we move closer
To one another
I take a deep breathe
Before diving
Back down into the water
Swimming back down
To bottom of your heart
Until I find
The center of your world
Placing my lips
Against your chest
You give me oxygen
And tell me
To take a breathe
And trust you
Trust you
As I steady myself
I whisper to you
I do
Trust you
As much as I
Am capable of trusting
Another person
I trust you
I don’t want more
If I won’t have you
(C) 2016 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Photography “Kissed” by Libor Spacek

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Wrong Choices;Right Places

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I believe choices that appear to be bad or wrong are actually learning opportunities for reflection, self awareness and course correction. If we learn something about ourself and grow through those experiences, there are no mistakes. If every path presents a growth or learning opportunity, then you are never on the wrong path. If more people thought this way, they would stop beating themselves up for past choices. Perhaps they would start reflecting and find the what they were supposed to learn from the experience.

I’ve been thinking about choices I’ve made in my personal and professional life over the years. In my personal life, I wish I would have learned to stop beating myself up a long time ago. I wish I would have learned to forgive myself for not knowing better when I was younger. I wish I would have learned to love myself and heal the trauma inside of me long before I was 50 years old. I carried those wounds for a long time and used them as a shield. It’s only been in the last two years that I’ve allowed myself to the space to heal and learn through my experiences. Healing is a work in progress. The difference is I am now willing to see and feel the pain. I am now willing to learn from it.

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In my professional life, I’ve always been open to new opportunities and taking risks. Every role I’ve had over the years, offered me a new piece of wisdom and experience that became part of my knowledge base. I’ve been thinking about this because I’m extremely conflicted in my current role. It’s kind of crazy how I ended up here too….In the Fall of 2017, I was unhappy and restless in my job. I needed a break from the organization I was working in. So I took a temporary assignment which lasted 15 months. After turning down a permanent job offer, I went back to my former organization in a new role. I liked the work and I liked the team I was working on. However, the front line manager was not offering me a promotion. I kept looking for other opportunities. I applied for two promotions in two different groups at the same time. A GM saw my name on the candidate list for one of those promotions and instead poached me by offering me an unadvertised position. That’s how I got the job I am in now…

I’ve been in this role for just about five months. The first six weeks were really bad and it’s surprising I stayed through it. It was a really rough start. It was rough start because Execs were pressuring for a quick turnaround on a schedule. I found out they made a commitment before they completely understood the number of regulatory actions that needed to be done first. I knew it wasn’t going to happen the way they thought and I knew I was going to have to prove I was right.

Here’s the problem – I believe this kind of drama will continue going forward given the players involved with my program. It stresses me out. I just don’t know if it’s healthy for me.

The interesting thing about this is…I’ve been praying for intuitive guidance to help me with this. I figure Spirit will give me a sign in some way…So I thought it was funny when I bumped into my former boss on Christmas Eve morning in the local Target. He and I chatted for a while about personal stuff (holidays, etc.). Before he left, he asked if I heard my former supervisor accepted another job and then he asked me to stop by his office after the holidays. He may have an opportunity for me 🤣I believe in pursuing all opportunities… I will stop by and see him after the holidays are over. I know I can’t make any moves until after I get the Skin biopsy results and know what needs to be done. I am in an easy part of my schedule right now. I have space and time in my current job to take care of the health issue without impacting my work.

What I know for sure is… my holistic wellness is more important to me than money, title or power.  Living authentically is more important than any promotion opportunity this position would offer me.  Money and title don’t motivate me.  Doing what’s right and living truthfully is in alignment with who I am.  For now, I will go with the flow, do my best while I explore other options.  I guess we will see how this plays out…


(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

*This post was last edited at 1:21pm on 12/29/19.

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

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Self Care Sunday ~ Early Detection

5A812EB1-30DC-4C74-873D-82A20BAAAD65_1_201_a“Suck it up, spit it out and handle it”. That’s my Mother’s way of saying “You got this” or “Get over it” or “You’ll be fine” 🤣 I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard this in my life…My Mother was never a coddler nor was she sensitive to emotions and feelings. She’s softened after she turned 70 🤣 Now that she is 80, she is still a tough old lady but she also is more compassionate and loving. She says I helped her grow✌️

I shared the above story about my Mother’s favorite saying because she just said it to me Friday. However, Friday she followed it with “I love you and you have to give this one over to God.” The reason she said this to me is because my Dermatologist did a biopsy yesterday on a growth on my jawline. While doing the biopsy, the Dermatologist told me she was 95% sure the growth was Skin Cancer, Squamous Cell Carcinoma (SCC) to be exact. She told me, once the biopsy results were independently verified, she would refer me to Mohs Surgeon for removal. The whole thing was a bit surreal. I thought I was going to just get mole “looked at”. I figured they would just freeze it off and away I would go. Instead I found myself having a conversation about SCC being 99% curable when caught early and being told I need to make sure to get it taken care of because SCC can spread to Lymph Nodes and bones.

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Let me be clear I am not upset about this. I have enough friends who have had Skin Cancer and have had Mohs Surgery. I already two recommendations for surgeons in Philly. The reason it caught me off guard is because I really thought it was only a mole. I really only went to the doctor because I am vain and didn’t want to walk around with a mole on my jawline 🤣 And let me tell you, it grew quick. It wasn’t there at my last full body scan in June. I found it in mid November and it grew a good bit by the time it was biopsied. The doctor said I did everything right and catching it early is important. Seriously, I walked out of the Doctor’s office like “what the f**k just happened?” 🤣

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The conversation about SCC freaked me out a little because it’s exactly where I’ve been complaining about jaw pain for two years. After a MRI, Cat Scan and Ultrasound, they told me the pain in my jaw is Arthritis but a cancerous growth is there now too. Can you blame me for being a bit freaked out. Also, this is the second kind of Cancer I’ve caught early. I had pre-cancer in my colon removed and I have abnormal cells (that are not cancer but could become it) in my stomach that are being monitored. Is this just how getting old is? Is staying on top of stuff so you catch things early what we do after we turn 50? I still have a 5% chance it could not be SCC but it seems I just gotta “Suck it up, Spit it out and Handle it!” 🤣

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Switching topics…I had an appointment to test drive a new car (2020) after the biopsy yesterday. I loved the car but the numbers weren’t where I want them to be. It wasn’t financial advantageous for me leave my lease early so I left. I told them we can revisit it when I am closer to the end of my lease. They have already reached back out to me on Saturday morning saying they are still working on it 🤣Let them work it…I am not budging unless it’s where I want it to be…. Guess what? When I was in my 20s, I was an Assistant Buyer for a retail company. I spent all day in my cubicle negotiating cost, terms and lead times with vendors. The key to negotiating is to not show emotions or attachments. I can live without a new car and I can tell them “no thanks” all day long if they want to keep trying without meeting my terms…🤣

cat

My last topic today is work…this job has me so conflicted… Part of me loves it. Part of me hates it. I am doing a good job and they’ve told me it. I am capable of succeeding in this job but I find myself being routinely ethically challenged. Therefore, I am not attached to it. The opportunity to make a difference in the industry comes with a good bit of drama, pressure from political players and folks in industry who expect special consideration — which I won’t give them – period!  It’s gonna be a fight… I will be using scoring mechanisms that even the playing field – period!  Its up the primary applicants to partner with other entities and up to recipients to issue sub-awards and give contracts for services post award without pressure. My direct supervisor and I are completely in alignment with “no” being the answer. Fortunately, a scathing new audit of grant programs administered by our “parent” company gives me justification and the cover to say “no” but I do have legal looking for a way to help me give everyone a “win” so I don’t have to battle with leadership again. I will have to see how this plays out.…So, as much as I love the opportunity to make a difference in this job, I am still not attached to it. I am not sure I will stay in it for the long term if these types of issues continue to pop up. It’s exhausting and they have certainly found a way to f**k up my dream job. I am staying open to other opportunities that cause me less stress and conflicts. Again, the key is non-attachment or maybe it’s just a distraction to see if I am going to f**k up what I asked for???🤣 I am just not sure which way it’s going yet…

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Something that made me happy today…I gave every employee in the building I live in a $10 Dunkin’ Donuts Gift Card yesterday as a token of appreciation for their help throughout the year and I also contributed to their bonus fund. I’ve seen a bunch them walking around the building today with DD cups and they all had big smiles on their faces when they saw me. It made me happy🤣

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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

Protected by Copyscape Online Copyright Search

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Self Care Sunday ~ Use the pain

C61EE275-EE53-40A4-A257-9F61D81713B7_1_201_a.jpegThe focus of my self care this week has been centered mostly on relationships and physical self care.

I’ve taken opportunity to socialize a bit more this week than I normally do and I am glad I did it. I went to Christmas Chinese Auction party with 22 women. It was fun. The women in this crowd are a good bit older than I am and most of them were the first friends I made when I moved down here 25 years ago. I’ve always been most comfortable with folks older than I am, “Boomers” as they are now called.

The best thing that came out of that night was that I reconnected with one of the women who I fell out with a few years ago. It got pretty ugly between us a few years ago. Mostly because she likes to control things and I don’t like to be controlled ☺️🤣 I am an equal. I am not a child. I am not a follower. I make my own decisions…Well, our friendship became a constant tug of war and eventually it broke under the pressure. I accept my responsibility in the breakdown of the friendship. I could have talked to her instead of shutting her down but “shutting down” to folks who hurt me is my trauma response. It was how I protected myself since I was young. Until recently, I didn’t know any better. Her husband died around the time some of this was going on. I think she was just trying to control things because she felt out of control but she could have backed off, stopped trying to control me and been more sensitive to my feelings. Anyway, we were both wounded.

I guess since I’ve been focused on healing this year she’s been on my mind a lot in recent months. I miss her friendship.  Her best friend is dying from Pancreatic Cancer and she, herself, recovered from Breast Cancer. It just felt like it was time to say how I felt to her; no more shutting down to people. Also, there aren’t very many people in my life other than my sister who make me laugh as hard as she does. I mean seriously, snorting, soda out of my nose, full belly laughs when I am around her. We’ve always clicked. Even this passed Sunday she was cracking me up. For some reason I seem to get along very well with Geminis♊️  I must be drawn to the duality of the twins; it intrigues me 💞 But that dark twin can be straight up gangsta sometimes! That’s one I fight with 🤣 Anyway, I pulled her aside, hugged her and told her I loved and missed her. She said the same thing. We aren’t going to revisit the past. We are going to leave it in the past. We are just going to start from today building a new friendship from who we are today. It is a fresh start for our friendship. Do you shut down to people like I do? Are you willing to open up to someone who loves you?

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Physically I’ve been trying to manage a flare-up of arthritis in my left jaw this week. It hurts…The damp weather the last few days has been rough not to mention the low barometric pressure gave me a migraine. This is the worst time of year for my jaw issues and migraines. I also found a small external growth near my jaw earlier this week. I have an appointment with the Dermatologist to have it looked at and hopefully removed this week. Since I am allergic to NSAIDS and Aspirin, my pain relief choices are limited. I am going to try CBD Oil & found a reputable local CBD (Hemp) Oil Representative through a medical professional referral. I ordered the Pure 500 CBD Oil (Cinnamon Flavor) Tincture and my friend gave me a sample of the cream which I put lightly on my jaw today. It seemed to help but I will try it again. HempWorx. A friend told me it’s really helped her arthritis a lot. It should arrive this coming week. It was not cheap but I am hoping it helps not only my joint and muscles issues but it also is supposed to help migraines and sleep issues. I will let you know how that goes. Lastly, Accuweather has health forecast page for allergies, migraines and arthritis. Once you enter your location, it will show the health forecast options.  It was 100% on the money this week. Migraine started late Thursday. I started meds in enough time to prevent the full migraine and arthritis in the jaw flared up on Saturday too. Check out the site.

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I am working on changing my diet around lately. I tend to have a sweet tooth ☺️I have to work hard to keep it in check. It’s a slippery slope. Once I have sugar coffee, I want sugar all day every day🤣That’s why I typically don’t use sugar in the morning. I switched to oatmeal for breakfast. I’ve been adding a low sugar free protein powder from Bowmar Nutrition to it to bump up the nutrition too. The Hot Chocolate and French Toast Protein Powders from Bowmar are good. They use Monk Fruit to sweeten which is extremely low sugar but sweet.  As for dinner, I’ve been making bowls with cooked veggies and protein source each night. Since my belly feels best eating only cooked instead of raw vegetables, I am buying assorted cooked veggies every few days at a local prepared food store called (Done.) This week’s bowls have had a bed of Baby Spinach at the bottom with roasted Brussels Sprouts, Sweet Potatoes, Marinated Mushrooms with Barbecue Tofu & a little Crispy Pork Belly topped with Blue Cheese crumbles & a Balsamic Blue Cheese dressing I mix at home.  You could also mix and match from the image to make bowl combos. Just select a protein (4-6oz for women; 6-8oz for men) and a carb (1/4 cup) with as many as you like from the veggie list.  I need to eat cooked veggies because of my digestive issues but raw would be good too 🙂

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The only thing I am going to say about work this week is to encourage folks to accept the opportunity to learn and grow when it’s presented. Leadership approached me a while ago and asked me to get a Grants Management Certificate. The Certificate program is a series of seven courses and they are all available virtually. Work agreed to pay $7000 for all of the courses as long as I took virtual courses and I was allowed to take them all during work hours from home. They only thing I couldn’t do is travel for any of the courses. I completed three courses so far. This past week I teleworked three days and was only in the office Thursday and Friday. However, on Friday I was able to use knowledge from the course while working on strategy for the Call for Proposals.  I am finding the classes beneficial. It’s filling in a big knowledge gap for me and I am grateful my leaders were willing to invest in me. I should finish my certificate in March.

Lastly, I can’t wait until current occupant of the White House is Impeached! I hope the Senate is courageousness enough to remove him. I am want to go back to having a President I respected. Honestly, I cringe every time I hear POTUS’s voice. Believe me I would be at every protest if I wasn’t afraid of getting arrested on being seen on camera 🤣✊ This is best red hat EVER…
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(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

Protected by Copyscape Online Copyright Search

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Self Care Sunday ~ Dark Places

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Each week I write Self Care Sunday posts to discuss holistic approaches to wellness and self care. I like to write about spiritual as well as physical and emotional wellness because the mind, body and spirit are the trinity of holistic wellness. True holistic wellness can only occur when the three aspects of being are in harmony and/or balance.

Some of the topics I present may be heavy and may even trigger feelings or an emotional response by readers. I write about them because often we don’t know what we don’t know. We don’t see what we don’t want to see. I am encouraging you to maintain an open mind and an open heart as you read these posts. Be gentle with yourself if painful memories are triggered and consider allowing yourself to sit in that pain for a little while to see it, understand it and to heal it.

For my own wellness, working to heal past traumas and let go of previous versions of myself has been the key to true holistic balance. In the past, I tried to heal my physical body without ever addressing repressed emotions or buried traumas. Stuffing down pain manifested in health issues, poor self care and emotional issues. I have chosen to see it and feel it so I could heal in 2019. Honestly, it feels like 2019 not only brought change in my professional life and in my relationships but it also changed how I look at myself. It changed how I approach life too. Almost like my reset button was pushed and I loaded back up as a healed version of myself😄💙

I realized over the last year that true growth happens when we are able to sit in our dark spaces without trying to numb ourselves or shield ourselves from the pain of our darkness. True healing happens when we allow ourselves to see the truth, the truth of who we are, what we accepted, who we’ve become, mistakes we’ve made and opportunities we missed. As for myself, it’s been painful to see and feel the truth but it has also been liberating. I’ve found freedom from the limitations of my trauma and healing in my heart and soul by finally slowing down long enough to allow the darkness within to surface. Once darkness is brought to the surface, the light transmutes it and heals it.

Can you maintain an open mind as unpleasant experiences from your past surface? Can you sit in the dark space with a heavy heart and feel the pain without trying to  numb   yourself to it? Can you let the darkest part of your soul come up and into the light to be finally healed? Can you forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved or for not knowing what you didn’t know? Can you love yourself enough today to choose to heal?


My work story this week is on the topic of – you don’t know what you don’t know. I’ve been dealing with a legal/ethics issue at work. Since my first milestones were met and are out for public comment, I assumed we were past the drama of the situation but I got a phone call from a Manager (not mine) with a new challenge🤬

A few leaders loaned me advisors when I first started. A manager for one of those teams started the phone call off with with “about this paperwork thing” 🤣 That should have been my first clue 😂…Bottomline is their team members provided me bad, out-dated information – period! I asked for clarification. They couldn’t give it to me because they were not following regulations…I went another path and moved on but it seems my program’s public notices shined a light on that team’s compliance issues. That team has already been chewed out once; I think they were trying to feel me out…So, I shared my legal documentation which has concurrence and directive from our “parent company” and I stated “we could try to get a waiver for the rest of the process to shave off time but any request would have to be coordinated back through legal and our parent company.” I could feel the breath in their long SIGH over the phone after I said it. They weren’t angry with me. I was just stating facts and had the documentation to support what I stated.

So, here’s bottom line. Leaders are in this predicament because they assumed they knew everything about grants and thought their “experts” knew it all too. They didn’t have a clue the team wasn’t staying up to date on regulations and compliance requirements. Now, you can argue they have been “under the radar” or getting away with it for this long…and I am going to tell you…the truth always comes out eventually and it’s best it doesn’t happen in the middle of an audit by the watchdog 🤣🤣 See where I am going with this??? When we assume we know everything, we not only close ourselves off to learning and new knowledge, we also make ourselves vulnerable. Our knowledge and experience will eventually become out-dated if we do not challenge ourselves to keep an open mind, learn, ask questions and stay humble. We don’t know what we don’t know but assuming we know everything is a vulnerable position to be in especially for a leader.

Wrapping this week’s post up…. The below meme accurately depicts me preparing to be normal at work and in social situations 😂I’m going to a girls Christmas Gift Exchange on Sunday afternoon. I’ll have to be super “normal” with that crowd; they are very straight-laced✌️I only see them a couple times a year so I am looking forward to it🎅🏻I just hope the Trump cult members in the group respect the “no politics” agreement! I am a moderate Democrat. I’ve always been moderate. I usually vote blue but, on occasion, I’ve voted red. Since Trump became President and both parties are being led by extremist, “moderate” is now a four letter word.  With everything that has come to light in the last three years, I don’t foresee me voting for a Republican for the rest of my life✊

(C) 2019 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Everything is always working out for my highest good 💙🦋

Loving Kindness Prayer💙
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be loved

DISCLAIMER: Poetry, views, thoughts,and opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to the author and Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC

Protected by Copyscape Online Copyright Search

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